the laboured thud of rubber striking pavement.  aching muscles begging for relief, yet crying out for more.  cool, crisp air flowing in, and warm, rapid and eager breath, flowing out.

there is no other high quite like running.

val and i were discussing, last night, how she wants to have a little girl.  she would name her hailey page.  and, of course, her little blond-haired beauty would wear pink.  then she added, "but then you would come and corrupt her.  you'd be like, `here.  here's some hair dye and black clothing and chains and spikes.`"  at least val swore to never make her boys wear pink, unlike that little old man that came into work wearing hot pink pants...

today during mass we sung a song i could have sworn was called "lord, you have the worms".  i stared at the title for a good 10-15 seconds before i figured out it was words, not worms.  anyway, mom just informed me that not only was i born on september 8 [the nativity of mary], i was baptized on october 7 [the feast of the lady of our rosary].  hrm...

whistle, whistle.  i have yet to study for calculus, write an essay on fight club, or write about code heros in hemingway's stories, but hey.  i have more important things to do, like erase the hard drive on one of my linux boxes and reinstall mandrake 9.1.  right now i'm just sitting here gazing at the monitor, watching "network monitoring".  every once in a while i ping this box, just to make sure that all three computers really are networked and working.  i really wish it would let me access files, though.  i wonder what i'm doing wrong?  ah well, phoenix is just an idiot, i guess.

i feel sick.  it's been a horrible few days and i'm still pissy.  i'm sorry i've been such a bitch lately.  work sucked.  i'd much rather work with jim than val.  i love val, but jim is still more fun to work with.

i have so much homework.  i hate college.  i hate school.

why won't my printer work?  i hate microsoft and everything related to them.

i think i need to shut up now.

damn, i love "she sells" by wookiefoot.

holy shit, i am getting so fucking tired of all the hostility in #lanparty.  you know what?  all i fucking wanted was to be able to fucking talk to jamei.  that's all i fucking wanted.  why is it so much to ask to be able to talk to my friend?  and, damnit, i have to be careful when i call her [which is rare] because mom doesn't know i'm talking to her again [i'm not supposed to be].  i wish my friends would just fucking grow up and leave her alone.  but it's too damn late now, isn't it, because she fucking deleted her irc chat agent.  thanks guys for making talking to her that much harder now.

you have no idea how fucking angry i am.  i cannot fucking wait until i fucking move away from this shithole of a town.

i need to stop swearing.

and i don't feel like explaining the title again, either.  maybe later.

i was in a good mood, too.  blayne showed up at breezy while i was there.  i feel bad though for not really talking to him.  on the other hand, i didn't really have much to say.  anyway, why does everyone have to be a fucking prick to jamei?  i mean, what the hell, people?  why can't you be fucking civil to her, even if you don't agree with her opinions?

anyway.  i still haven't fixed the damn printer, and i missed calc today because i overslept.  ah well, whatever.  it was just a review day; i can ask dad for help this weekend.  i ended up just going to the library rather than calc for the last 20 minutes, as it would have been a waste.  i spent the next hour or so with judd, talking.  that was interesting...

i actually worked for an hour tonight.  jim wanted to go the game so i agreed to work the last hour for him.  and now... i'm copying my nickelback and wookiefoot cds, then burning a ton of mix cds.  yay for mixed cds...

"so when you think about kinky sex games, you think about me?  ... great.  thanks, ryan."

holy fucking hell.  [i just realized i swear a lot.  i need to cut back on that.]  so cole may or may not still call the cops on val, or get her fired.  or, an even happier alternative, beat the piss out of her.  so val could be thrown in jail, fired, or beat.  that's just great, as her boyfriend may be fucking going to prison too, though i doubt it.  [that's a story we're not going to get into.]  anyway.  val called while i was at work and after i got off the phone, i sat and glared at ryan, occasionally muttering random sentences:  "damnit.  what the fucking hell did spencer say?  fucking tell me ryan.  fuck..."  but yeah.  spencer claims he talked to me and that i said val took the money...  first off, he never talked to me.  nor did val take any money.  rhonda also got in this, too... damnit, there are way too many fucking people involved in this damn thing.  long story short.. ah shit.  this is why i can't blog and chat on irc at the same time.  i lose my train of thought way too often.  so screw the rest of the story, i'm supposed to go down there with her tomorow.  she works and she wants me there.  i asked judd to go, to just stand and look intimidating, but he's got plans.  sigh, ah well...

damnit, the whole gio thing...  he's a great guy and all, but i don't want to date him.  too late now, though, dawn has already talked to him...

i love vnv nation.  i am especially currently obsessed with "darkangel":

In your dream you see me clear
I have no restraint, no fear
Powerless I watched from faces I'd assumed.
My purpose set. My will defined.
Caress the air.
Embrace the skies.
Escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities.

Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What posesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.

So many years I stood among
the thoughts and tears of those I served.
Among my own I was alone through my own doing.
All the years I walked unknown behind the faces I assumed.
Powerless to clear your mind of what you'd suffered.

They fall again.
They fall again.

Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What posesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
There is no faith in which to hide.
Even truth is filled with lies.
Doubting angels fall to walk among the living.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.

I'd only come here seeking peace.
I'd only come here seeking me.

It seems I came to leave.

"do you like having your stomach show?"  she asks with a grin.  that little self-satisfied, holier-than-thou grin that makes me want to rip it off her face.  she's already ascertained that i'm destined for hell, so what does it matter?  and no, i don't enjoy showing off my fat belly.  but all you can see is a little tiny strip of flesh.  the shirts she purchased for me shows more.  on the other hand, i don't like long shirts and it's hard to find the perfect length of shirt, so these will have to do for now.  so shut up.

no car for phoenix.

and... i'm just pissy today.  for some reason, i woke up with "deer dance" in my head [i have not listened to that song for weeks, so that's odd].  i've just been irritable these past few days.  bella meow is driving me crazy, too.  sigh.

trent is a nice kid, but man does he get on the nerves sometimes.  i had gone down to breezy to give trent a few mixed cds [he paid me to give him some techno songs - whoo...] when val called wanting to do something.  so i swung over to pick her up, then we headed back to breezy.  val was in the mood for ice cream and company, so we invited trent along, too.  bad idea.  okay, the kid is fine for a while, but... gah.  we went out to eat, ran around wal-mart [with long-suffering trent, who seems embarrassed by us at times] and... stuff.  trent said he'd pay me if i wore all pink.  hell, if he pays me in the double digits, sure.  anyway, trent was still a bit touchy, but he's been alot better lately.  only problem is, i had to take val home and he wouldn't leave.  he would not freaking get out of my car, no matter what i said.

anyway, i am really freaking tired and in need of sleep.  jim did take me car shopping today, though, which was nice of him.  i think i actually found a car, too:  a 1997 honda accord with a sunroof.

right.  more later.  i need sleep, and i need to do my homework.

i'm not going to explain the title, nor will you figure out why from the rest of the blog.  just... suffice to say, it certainly fits.  [and no, it is not about travis.]

so larry's mom wants to set me up with gio.  that is frickin' hilarious.

i picked up a copy of nickelback's latest cd for jim today, during my three-hour break.  so, basically, that's all we listened to the entire night of work.  i love working with jim; i'd much rather work with him than anyone else.  thing is, do i just bring out the perverse side in males?  i can take it from jim, hell, i'm just as bad as he is.  for example, you know those little toys that look like colorful halves of tennis balls?  i held one up and commented, "don't you think that these would make a great bikini?"  "since that's coming from you, i'd have to say that's a great idea!"  jim responded.  he says that i'm really easy to talk to, that he can tell me anything.  also, i'm his favorite person to work with.  yay.  we were looking at maxim, and on the cover it said "naked in 60 seconds".  i bet jim that i could be faster than that, but i have yet to prove it.  heh.  also, just as he said, "what do you want to do tonight?"  i read off a blurb from the cover of the magazine:  "sex with your coworkers."  "okay!"  jim also grabbed my ass, which took me by surprise.  i had said that ryan says that i'm feeling my own ass when i have my hands in my back pocket.  so jim reached over and said, "here, i'll feel it for you."  anyway, after we closed, we sat on my car for an hour and just talked.  i love doing that and i have no idea why.  it was so nice out tonight, too...

i had another nightmare last night.  i haven't had nightmares for easily ten years, and now two in one week.

right, i should probably go do my homework now.

radiohead as interpreted by 5^th graders.

mom and i are not getting along again.  she says that i spend way too much on my computer crap.  i beg to differ.  i got mandrake 9.1 for free.  granted, i did spend money on a new surge protector and ink for my printer, but i needed those.  she doesn't understand why i need more ram in the mandrake box, either.  she doesn't appreciate computers as much as i do.  ah well, whatever.  she doesn't appreciate my taste in music, either [especially techno, which she despises].  speaking of techno, that reminds me.  some kid sat with us the other day and said techno wasn't as good as country music - only he called techno "technical".  he honestly thought "technical" was the correct term for all electronica.  hrm. i want more radiohead cds.  anyway, i need to buy more books; flesh out the "mom is unnerved and angered by this section" shelf:

gah.  aight, i'm going to attempt to say screw microsoft, and go with linux.  i'm debating whether to go to my slack or mandrake box.  yesterday was quite the night.  my printer still isn't working.  and... my damn mandrake box just ate a cd.  why the hell won't it eject it?  sigh.  maybe i'm too unlucky with computers to be a computer science major.  maybe i should go with the slack box - the one that blayne told me to use.  the real bitch will be attempting to learn linux in a hurry.  that, and copying all the damn files.  all three computers are networked together, but for some reason, the xp box won't see the other two.  looks like i've got a project tonight - get a linux box up and functioning.

fuck.  first the pda stops working, then the keyboard, then the pda again, and now the printer.

and ALL DAY, I'm thinking "I wonder if she's still coming down..." -- trying to tell myself "no, she's not. no." but not believing it.. still wondering.. still checking irc and email often..

you don't so much get my angry, as just hurt me.

i finished my homework about half an hour ago.  damnit.  there goes st. cloud.  i don't feel like talking now, though.

sigh.  i need to do homework before i can even think about making a run to st. cloud to visit blayne.

last night was quite the interesting night.  judd stopped in as promised.  once customers cleared, he removed himself from the magazine rack and leaned over the till to speak to trent.  basically he informed trent to stop harassing me, as it could be construed as sexual harassment and so on.  he added, "and you have a girlfriend, too, don't you?"  as soon as judd said something about masturbation, i ran out and motioned for him to follow me outside.  i was pretty embarassed, and i knew i had to get judd away from trent, for their sakes.  we stood outside and talked for a bit, discussing random things.  i owe judd for talking to trent - i wonder if i should be frightened with whatever he comes up with...  anyway, we finally parted ways and i walked back inside to face trent.  he informed me that he wished to punch judd.  once we got past that little violent outburst, i talked to him, and informed him that i did not hate him.  trent told me that he actually was a bit scared of judd.  judd's clothing [all black, duster, but of course.], the way he carried himself, just... everything.  he said that if judd got violent, he was scared that he might not be able to fully defend himself.

so megan doesn't care if all of us share a hotel room after the concert.  she just told me that i better not get myself pregnant with jim's child.  no worries there, megan.

travis also stopped in last night for a while.  at the end of the night, we had to lock the doors, but travis said that he would wait outside.  hrm, odd, but okay.  well, when i get into the parking lot, travis asks if i'm up to going over to shawn and ryan's.  sure.  we drop my car off, then head over there, first stopping at s.a. where we ran into ryan.  anyway.  we were over there for a couple hours, listened to various faith no more songs, and watched "crank yankers".  at around 12:30, travis asked, "do you want to leave now?"  sure.  as we left, i thought, great, now i can do some homework and not have so much to do tomorrow.  but no.  driving off, he asked if i wanted to go over to his house and watch a movie.  and, of course, i said yes.  and, of course, i fell asleep during the movie.  i woke up twice, i believe, and asked what time it was.  i promptly fell back asleep each time, after hearing travis mutter the time.  he brought me home sometime a little after 3 in the morning.

and ... i want chocolate.  now.

oh, work will be great fun tonight.  i'll try not to puke on trent.  gah, i feel so nauseous.  it's already turning out to be a wonderful day:  mom woke me up just to yell at me, i got out of the shower and discovered my nose was bleeding, my vision is now distorting... yay.

what katie describes in her sept.20^th entry is a "flash mob".  flash mobs are a recent cultural phenomenon, most often seen in larger cities, such as new york or london.  even the comic strip doonesbury did a strip on flash mobbing.  for the best information on flash mobs and where they're going on, check out flashmob.com.

gah, "at seventeen" is quite the depressing song...

judd and i had an interesting conversation last night.  let's see if he does stop in tomorrow night as promised.  if he does, it outta be interesting.  and... just because i feel like it, my current playlist:

i pity anyone i come into contact with this week.  i'm bloating, cramping, and highly hormonal [read:  extremely moody].  ryan touched a bare bit of skin on my back and i flipped out, spinning around and smacking him square in the chest.  "don't touch me!"  y'know, i am such a wench; i hate myself.  i promised blayne last night i would go down to his place on sunday.  i do want to go.  but i hate to go by myself, because, hey, phoenix driving to scsu alone, attempting to find blayne's apartment?  then getting back home?  well, i could probably do it.  i'm just nervous about it.  thing is, should i even deal with anyone in when i'm like this?  i haven't been this bad for months.  right.  well, i have two days to decide.  damnit, i'm such a wench, i feel awful about even questioning this.  i hate being a girl.  guys have no idea how lucky they are.  they don't have to deal with being bloated, or cramping, or bleeding for a week straight, or craving fatty foods at 3 a.m.  or caring about craving fatty foods at 3 a.m.

so mom and i got in yet another fight.  she doesn't want to go to the concert, as she feels i'll get raped or groped or stranded or a million other horrible things will befall me.  look.  i'm going to be with val and two guys.  do you honestly think jim is going to let something happen to me?  no.  mom is freaking out because i told her that i got floor tickets, rather than seating.  oh well, whatever.  i already paid for the tickets, so it doesn't matter now.  only thing is, jim and i were discussing just staying the weekend:  renting a hotel room that night.  stupid phoenix that i am, i mentioned that to mom.  she had a fit.  she proclaimed there was no way that i was getting a hotel room with two guys.  "can you imagine the scandal?"  screw scandal.  it's cheaper and more fun than two rooms.

i emailed travis today, as i was concerned because no one has talked to him for a week now, ever since the incident on irc.  he emailed me back, and part of the email read:

Thanks for writing, you don't know how much it means, for what that's worth.  I'm sorry I haven't talked to you much lately.  I am not mad at you or dislike you or anything.  You're probably the one that hates me, given the way things are going lately.

can i just order a new life, oder etwas?  please?  i guess ryan was talking to one of his friends about me, and they agreed i would look good in a leash and nothing else.  i'm not that kinky!  ...and why the hell were they talking about that?  which reminds me, ryan told val i had a nice ass.  honestly, why would you tell my friends that?  why would you tell anyone that?  and what is so cute about me shivering, or pouting, or walking behind someone...?  i can't remember what ryan did that pissed me off, but i threated to kick him in the balls.  he said he would never forgive me.  now, c'mon.  i bet that being kicked in the balls is a lot like having cramps, which women get every month.

i was supposed to go car shopping with jim today but called it off.  he asked me if i was okay.  i'm fine, i'm just... not.  i woke up from a nightmare today, with fists clenched so tightly it took almost a full minute to get them moving properly again.  i wish i could remember my nightmare.  all i remember is the end, something involving my parents, sue and joe, and a church.  some old man, travis, a tooth.  wow, that sounds cryptic, doesn't it?

i need to become a feminazi.

so ryan found out that i have paula's sex books in my car.  he made me drag them out as he wanted to page through them.  sigh.  i finally got the books back in my car and he whined about it.  he then asked if i'd be willing to bring them over to his house; we could try out the stuff in the books.  no, ryan.  and no, it was not worth a shot.

"phoenix?  if the situation were different - we didn't work together, i wasn't dating alicia - would you date me?"  "i don't know, trent, i never give absolutes when it comes to hypothetical situations."  he's already cheating on her, but i wouldn't know if he would consider it that.  he kissed me thrice.  twice on the back of the neck, and once on the forehead.  now, before anyone thinks that i encouraged this - i didn't.  all three of the times came as complete surprises.  it's not like i asked to be kissed, okay?  holy.  i just realized that he was the second guy ever to kiss me [excluding male relatives, of course.]

ryan told me i wasn't allowed to wear these khakis to work anymore.  i thought he was serious, like bob had mentioned no more [semi] low-riding jeans.  he quickly cleared up my confusion, though, stating "they're too distracting!"  i walked off to go do something, and as i meandered off, i heard him say, "oh, sure, you had to turn around, didn't you?"

i'm so confused.  i'm way too stupid to do forms:

The autoinstall script failed to create the .nmsai subdirectory, which it needs. The error message received from the operating system was Permission denied.

The most likely cause of this problem is that the web server process lacks write permission on the directory into which you uploaded the autoinstall CGI. You must give the web server process write permission on that directory before the installation can continue. Depending on server configuration, that may mean making the directory world writable (mode 0777).

i just ordered tickets for the nickelback concert.  i have to make sure to take that night off of work.  it was actually jim's idea; he, ryan [his friend, not coworker], val, and i are going to go together.  should be fun.  i'm not a huge fan of nickelback, but they're okay.  besides, jim, ryan, and val are my friends...oh, and we're going to hooters, too.  for ryan.  come to think of it, wow... jim, val, and i all have to take november 8^th off.  paula is not going to be happy about that.  i guess i dont' have much of a life.  i hung out at work for three hours, talking to val and jim.  i chased jim around the store for a bit, attempting to hit him.  he loves to see how deep a blush he get out of me.  eventually we made a pact, wherein he won't spray me with water and i won't kick him the balls.  i love jim to death, even though he makes me blush constantly.  megan is trying to talk me into dating trent.  i refuse.  he has a girlfriend, and he isn't even fricking legal [jailbait.  not that i would, i'm just saying...].  i'm getting sick of people thinking josh and i are dating.  he mentioned today how he should get a shirt that reads "i'm not dating phoenix".  he almost needs to.  honestly, it's not like this is some weird secret affair i'm having with him, and we refuse to tell anyone.  yes, we happen to spend one-on-one time together.  does that mean we're dating?  no.  i wish everyone would just shut up.

did i mention how much i hate forms?  hate.

i'm so excited.  my free pda finally came and it's beautiful.  i guess they retail for somewhere around $349.  something like that.  i downloaded some vnv nation onto it and walked through the house playing it.  "look!  it plays music!"  i proudly informed dad.  he walked off, muttering, "that's music?"  bah, no appreciation for fine techno.  it's capable of doing wireless, too, so i may have to cough up some cash and get that card.  yay for wardriving...?

i hate tables, and they hate me.  same with forms.  i wish i was lazy enough to use frontpage or some other editor.  but no, no no.  phoenix is stubbon and will drive herself crazy attempting to get it to work.  ...but why the hell does all the text in my tables appear as bold?  that's not normal.  anyway, i have to get some more ram for my linux box.  i now have two 256's sitting in a drawer, because they are the wrong kind.  on the bright side, i can stick one of them in this box.

oh, wait.  many thanks to jamei for helping me solve the tables incident.  wow, i feel stupid.

now if only i could figure out movable type, so that i could have comments.

please tell me this is some form of a sick joke.  i stopped into work to get fuel and see how jim was doing.  he stopped the pump on me and laughed pretty hard at that.  it's fun to tortue phoenix, according to the general census.  anyway.  jim asked me if i was still fine working with trent.  of course i was, and wondered why he asked that.  "paula asked me if you'd be comfortable working with trent, because it's so obvious he likes you."

what's up with blayne, as of late?  this weekend i must have said hi three or four times, yet all he ever did was cock an eyebrow or nod.  and today he came into breezy while i was talking to the guys.  i said hi, and he just sort of looked at me.  i attempted to talk to him to no avail.  leaving, i said bye, and he stopped and turned around.  it almost appeared as if he was glaring at me.

holy, what a crazy night.  i got home tonight at quarter to three in the morning.  i've been gone since two this afternoon.  some crazy ladies came into work tonight, wearing the u.n. flag with a slash through it.  on their car was a giant sign that read:  liberate america!  wipe out socialism!  painted on was the u.n. flag with a slash, and an american flag - the original 13 colonies flag.  strange ladies, they were.  afterwards, trent showed up, angering ryan.  we chatted, then he asked if i felt like going to brainerd after work to go play poker with him and his friends.  "no."  "oh, well, now that you've crushed my plans for tonight..."  right.  i like trent and all, but i don't know him well and i certainly don't want to go to brainerd with him and people i don't know.  at the very least, i'd hear more stories, like the one about what he did yesterday:  he, his girlfriend, and her friend went over to one of their houses.  well, the girlfriend went down on her friend and he watched.  then the girls gave him a blowjob.  both, at the same time.  what i want to know is, how does that work?

anyway.  i went to the lan again after work.  heh, poor jimmy.  he discovered jake and his [jake's, not jimmy's] girlfriend on jimmy's air mattress.  ah, the horror.  jimmy is now selling the mattress on ebay.  he offered it to travis and i for $29.95 when he saw the two of us heading towards the back of travis' vibe.  we two laid there for a while, just talking and listening to music.  travis finds my soap-opera life hilarious.  we ended up deciding to go for a walk, so we at 1/2 a.m., we were walking through nisswa.  we talked as we stared at the stars, locating both the big and little dipper, then attempting to discern where orian's belt was.  we eventually made it back to the community center, where we sat/laid on the hood of my car and talked some more.

<tyler> so what's going on between you and travis, now, brittany?
<phoenix> we're not talking about that
<tyler> i just want to know what's...
<phoenix> shut up, tyler.  we're not talking about that.
<tyler>but i saw...
<phoenix> shut up.  i know what you saw.

frankly, i don't care anymore.  let travis do what he wants with who he wants.  i'm so sick of the bullshit and mind games.  i don't need this.  on a side note, tyler needs to learn when and where certain topics of conversation are approriate.  oh, and tyler thought blayne and i were getting along great.  tyler, how could you not notice the awkwardness that was so prevalent?  well, i noticed, at least.

i stopped by the LAN tonight for a few hours, and i had so much fun, mainly just talking to paula.  i've never really talked to her much before tonight.  we laughed so hard, just being idiots.  barring the comments about our little glowing things and harvesting toenails [i'll get to that in a bit, i promise] most of our talk consisted of something somehow relating to sex.  like, threesomes and castration.  we learned how to kill a guy [hint:  it involves the balls].  we decided to test our theory about men and the perfect movie and asked those we knew if they liked blowing stuff up.  yes.  lesbians?  hell, yes!  our theory is still going strong.  we were talking about bawls and judd commented on the bumps on the bottle:  "ribbed for her pleasure."  i rubbed the bottle, muttered, "yeah, that is pretty pleasurable" and paula laughed so freaking hard.  we both did, actually.  i don't know, maybe it was one of those you-have-to-be-there moments, but...  i don't know, we had fun tonight tonight, chatting.  laughed a lot.  i haven't laughed that hard for a while.  oh, about the toenails:  paula read somewhere that toenails contain minute traces of gold.  thus, we were going to collect toenail clippings from everyone, in hopes to eventually have enough gold to purchase a gumball.  or, if we're really lucky, a snickers.

my hair has been chopped yet again.  i feel so... androgenous.

i am currently addicted to "sometimes it hurts" by stabbing westward.  i don't know why; it doesn't relate to anything i'm currently feeling right now.

damnit, i have so much homework to do and no time this weekend.

i visited with ryan and val at work today, before and after kyle and i went to bemidji [we didn't get lost.  whoo].  val told me that she had commented to ryan about how shawn had gone on a date with stephanie, and how she was midly jealous.  ryan then said something about yeah, that's how he feels about phoenix and trent.  what the hell?  there's nothing going on between us, as should be blatantly obvious.  oder etwas.

i'm so angry i am literally shaking.  i'm sick of discussing my hair, my work schedule, guys.  leave me the fuck alone.  if i want to have short hair, i'm going to.  no, i will not fucking date trent just because val and megan think so.  first off, neither of us are interested in each other.  second, he has a girlfriend.  finally, he's a junier in high school.  no, i am not getting back together with travis.  shut up about it already, will you?  i'm getting really sick of sticking up for people, too.  i don't care anymore, let the bashing of my friends continue unabated from now on.  if i want to go to bemidji tomorrow, i will.  i don't care what my parents think, this is my life.  get me out of this town and all that it represents.  i'm going to shut up and quit whining.  no one fucking cares anyway.

i'm bleeding all over the keyboard, and i have no idea how that happened.  i'm fucking sick of people.  i'm sick of putting up with all their shit, sick of doing stuff for them and getting jackshit in return.  i hate everyone.  i can't wait until i move to bemidji and get the hell away from here and these people.

i had a huge entry planned, but i'm not in the mood anymore tonight.

damn "patriot day" pisses me off, too...

some little old lady in a caddy with a jesus fish frickin' raced me just outta nisswa...

anyway.  today really wasn't interesting, but neither was it uninteresting.  talked to josh, jesse, mike, and marissa for a bit.  ate by myself [which is rather pathetic] while reading "everything's eventual" by stephen king.  erm, i bought a new cd:  rare:  the collected b-sides 1989-1993, by moby.

i hope it rains storms tonight.

i got home at exactly midnight tonight.  needless to say, my parents were not very happy with me, as i have been gone since 8 am until midnight.  luckily i don't have any homework tonight, because i need to think about going to bed.  work was good, though.  both kyle and val made an appearance.  i worked with trent tonight.  we actually got off at nine tonight, but stayed there talking until 11:50.  why?  no clue.  we talked, we walked in the rain, we sat on the swing, i made him walk the runway with me [that was fun].  he is the most affectionate male i have ever known, which kind of weirds me out, but he has a girlfriend, so that's good.  one less thing to worry about.  at any rate, even though my parents are pissed, i had fun.

in class today, i was walking behind a girl who was half my size, wearing preppy capris, a soft yellow tank, strappy sandals, and long curly hair.  i felt inadequate when i compared myself:  clogs, camo pants, black hoodie with the sleeves rolled up, messy chopped hair.

i need to find a place that sells cds by wookiefoot...

i wish blayne was speaking to me again.

completing the awkward night was a fight with mom.  i'm not going to delve into details, but let it suffice to say that she says i'm cruel to people.

i think i never should have gone to the movies tonight.  i can't deal with ryan.  i can't let him think that i am interested in him when i'm not.  sitting in the movie theatre, i kept feeling his shoulder brush up against mine.  i would move.  he would tickle me.  inwardly, i would cringe, praying that he would just ignore me.  after the movie, he asked "so what else are we doing tonight?"  "um, i need to get home."  "what are you doing tomorrow?"  "working."  i later attempted the old tried-and-true:  scare them off.  "i'm a really moody person, you don't want to be around me.  i can be really bitchy, and go to huge extremes.  i'm a bad person to be around."  "i think i could handle that."  shit.

so funny, all four presents i got from my parents were black.  a black shirt [that shows an inch of midriff.  holy.], a black hoodie, a black italian leather jacket that is simply gorgeous, and a black italian cabbie hat [like my brown one, only better].  oh, i just love that jacket and cap...  a girl can never have enough black!

happy 19^th birthday, phoenix.  no one remembered.  not that i was expecting anyone to, but still, it would have been nice.  megan, jim, kyle, and i got together last night, but it was moreso about megan's birthday than mine.  after all, we used my house, i paid for the movies, and kyle paid for the food.  somehow, i feel gypped.  ah well, it could have been worse:  it could have been like last year.  i was going to do something with travis last night, but he cancelled.  i'm going to a movie with ryan tonight, but i really don't feel like it.  i don't feel well at all.  i hate people.

i cannot believe that val is getting married and moving to texas.  texas!  home of dubya, cows, and guns!  how horrible.  and thing is, as her friend, i am not sure that i can, in good conscience, let her marry josh.  he hits her.

blayne came into work tonight.  i chatted with him for a few, then had to go get minnows for customers.  well, ryan attempted to make conversation with blayne:  "so, you must be travis."  wrong thing to say...  that reminds me of a bitchy customer that came in tonight.  now, to get a fishing or hunting license, you now need a social security number.  a woman came in w/ her 18 year old son, and flipped out on me when i told her that.  "in the cities, you don't have to give your social security number out anywhere!  you don't need it!"  "yes, ma'am, i do.  there is no way to bypass that."  "only the federal goverment needs our numbers!  without our number, we don't exist!  i don't allow my children to give our their social security number."  well, too bad.  guess you don't get to kill our deer, then, do you?

at any rate, after work i went over to jesse's, hitching a ride with travis.  judd handed me a blue drink, claiming it was kool aid.  i declined, knowing full well it wasn't kool aid - at least, not wholly.  eventually i gave in and drank it.  it was a "blueberry martini" and i only drank half a dixie cup of it.  i'm still feeling the effects, actually.  i was only sipping it, but...  i got along with judd for a while, but then he started to piss me off.  like, when he wrapped the string around my toe and i had to cut it off, but i could just barely do that because it was so tight.  that, and when he chucked a magazine in my face.  among other things.  anyway, i met ryan tonight.  we've talked on irc before, but i've never actually met him in person.  and... anyway.  after a bit, i stepped outside to use my cell phone.  right before i came back in, travis walked out.  we ended up laying in the back of the vibe, talking.  we watched blayne and jon and paula leave.  when we finally emerged, we didn't realize that people were still outside.  we came out from the back of the car, only to hear hooting and clapping.  we didn't even think about that until then.  there was someone we never met there... some drunk blond... she was a tad annoying.  oh, i forgot about the cat.  travis was explaining the sound of ryan's cat, and jesse's cat was hiding under the couch.  well, travis made the noise and the cat came out from under, with murder in it's eyes.  travis did it again and the cat leapt upon him.  he backed up, did it again.  the cat must have jumped three feet, landing on travis and biting him, drawing blood.  it was hilarious, actually... at least to me.

funny, on irc today, travis called jamei "jme".  i bet anything that he picked that up from me, as i'm the only one that does that.

blayne, jesk, you have my undying gratitude for the help you've given me in writing that freaking essay...  so in return for the favor, i guess i will have to show up for the party, dance in black leather, and make jesk that muffin.  as promised.  heh, i love my friends.

well, this sucks.  i hope that mom and i are wrong about ryan.  he better just be my friend, because that's the only way that i'm viewing him.  it's different with trent, jim, josh... i know where we all stand.  trent and jim have girlfriends, and josh and i would never date each other.  so i don't have to worry about anything with those three.  i'm not so sure anymore with ryan, which is really bothering me.  he better not like me.  i enjoy working with him, but it's starting to get weird and awkward.  he touches me constantly and insinuates things...  well, here's one example, i guess:  i told him that i was hypersensitive to touch, and he responded with, "that could be fun.  i'll have to remember that."  he also mentioned something about handcuffs.  and chocolate syrup.  but let's not get into that.  oh, and he found a dollar on the floor... so he placed it in my back pocket.  erm.  the boy has a bit of a perverted mind - moreso than anyone i have ever met.  i could maybe hold my own with him [damn all those male friends for corrupting my mind.  heh...] but i feign naivette instead.  there's no chance in hell i'm going to respond with a comment that could possibly make it sound like i'm interested in him.

so travis called tonight while i was at work.  he never called back, though, so i'm not going to call him back.

jim is going to go car shopping with me on tuesday.  yay.  i'm so glad that megan doesn't get pissed when jim and i make plans to do something without her - i mean, he is her boyfriend.  it's nice that she's not suspicious of us two...  i can fit jim's watch around my bicep.  heh.  i can't believe i was at work for four hours today, and i wasn't even working.  i was just tormenting the guys.  well, maybe not tormenting.  they told me i should do that more often.  jim and i got bored, so we meandered outside, me with matches, him with a lighter.  he let the matches on fire and i shrieked, dropping them from my hand.  he just laughed at me.  y'know, when i finally move away, i'm going to miss him.  him moreso than megan.  he remembered that i'm going into philosophy and he was pretty excited about that.  he's going into psychology, but wants to do philosophy more than anything.  i can't wait to work with him...  anyway, we promised each other that we'd visit each other at college.  that's what i'm hoping for, anyway.  ahh, trent gave me a back-rub.  that felt so good...

larry and i decided that the perfect guy movie would consist of naked lesbians blowing stuff up.  i stayed after class for an hour, talking to him, his girlfriend, and buck.  i ended up chasing after buck a few times, as he had the audicity to steal my bawls and shake them up so that when i opened it, it went all over me and my seat.  an elderly woman gave me an odd look when i was standing in front of buck, demanding "i paid for those bawls!  now gimme!"

so anyway, i went and visited jim and trent at work tonight, and i'm gonna go back after i eat.  well, trent stole my cell and he and jim kept tossing it back and forth between them, keeping it away from me.  i finally grabbed jim's hands when they were behind his back and held on, attempting to disengage the cell from his fingertips.  all of a sudden, i noticed that i was rising.  no, let me correct that - my lower half was rising.  trent had grabbed onto my legs and was hoisting them into the air.  i clenched jim even tighter hoping i wouldn't fall.  let's just say that if i had sunk an inch or so lower, i would have known jim much more intimately that i want to.  but jim carried me out to my car.  yay.  heh, he even spun me around, and when he set me down, he opened the car door.  that makes me wish i had a boyfriend right now.  i'm really craving all that affection.  but anyway, chatting with those two was so much fun...

i am way too easily distracted.  instead of doing my calc homework, i'm talking with josh on irc.  i'm also pondering changing the layout again, cutting about half the pages, and doing something kottke-style.

but perhaps another day.  i may be spending the rest of tonight with my head hung over the toilet bowl.  joy.

brr!  it's frickin' freezing in here.  maybe i should put socks on.  or not.  socks are evil.

anyway.  i still have to finish calc homework i got today, as well as write my "the effect of open source on the software industry" essay for comp2.  today was anti-eventful.  i talked to josh for a while, as well as jesse.  speaking of jesse, i was driving when i heard my phone beep, which meant a text message.  it listed my license plate number with a question mark, and it it said it was from "jesk cell".  i craned my neck around and saw jesse driving behind me.  when we eventually got to the college, he told me i'm a crazy driver.  i am not... not normally.  although, i guess i did go 90 attempting to catch up when he passed me.

all right, blayne bet me that he had more leather than i... here's what i've got:

men need to learn how to aim!  gah!  when i took this job, i didn't realize that it involved scraping piss off of the men's toilet.

mom thinks that ryan likes me just because we're going to go to the movies together.  yeah, and we'll just ignore the fact that josh and i go out to eat together all the time, yet we're just friends.  and that reminds me, what is this, torment-phoenix-just-because-she-happens-to-have-male- friends night?  honestly.  i can take larry's comments about josh and i ["what date is this, now?  seventh?  eighth?  c'mon, don't deny it, we saw you holding hands!"] because on some level he and i both know that he is kidding.  but then there's mom:  "you and josh look cute together."  "i bet you that ryan likes you."  and on, and on, and on.  she seriously over-estimates how i am with guys.  she did say something, though, that simultaneously made me laugh and yet irritated me.  i ended up almost yelling back in response, throwing her words back at her:  "there is not a 'trail of men'!  there never was and never will be, a 'trail of men' behind me!"

poor kyle isn't enjoying st. cloud yet.  poor kid.

blayne stopped in at work tonight.  i don't know how long he stayed, but total must have been somewhere around the two-hour mark.  not that i mind.  it was great to talk to him again... and if nothing else, work was mind-numbingly boring.  i will seriously cry if i have to work with bruce anymore times than friday.  we are inept when we work together.  don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy [who also happens to share my birthday.  hrm.]  however, i was closing down tills, and he decided to help me.  i stared at the screen, and the only thing that escaped my mouth was just a soft utterance of "oh, shit."  as soon as he hit that button, the printer died.  the screen switched to something i wasn't supposed to be in, and i couldn't get it back to what it was supposed to be.  if this wasn't a new job, i would have messed around with the computer, but i don't feel like screwing anything up just yet.  so, i can close with aaron, i can close with ryan... but i can't close with bruce.  please.  never again.  i can't wait for saturday to work with ryan again.

<Draven> btw phoenix i was just kidding, i do want to see you naked
<Draven> i mean
<Draven> ummm
<phoenix> lol
<Draven> hmm give me a minute
* jamei smells sexual tension
<Towelie> you do want to...but I have
<phoenix> josh!
<Draven> who's towlie
<phoenix> gibbons
* Towelie is now known as Gnomie
<Gnomie> what?
<Draven> ah ic
<Draven> so on a scale of one to ten?
* phoenix sighs and glares at josh
<Draven> where does she stand
<Gnomie> 9.7
<phoenix> whoo
<Draven> ok so your saying 10 is low then?
<Gnomie> lol
<Draven> i've seen her naked too
<Gnomie> no...10 is high
<Draven> travis has pics
<Draven> man you must be high
<phoenix> pics? liar.
<Gnomie> I've never been high in my life
<Gnomie> travis only has pics...I have movies
<Draven> sweet send some
<Draven> we'lll put them on the projector at the lan
<Gnomie> yeah!!!
<phoenix> erm?
<Draven> hi phoenix
<phoenix> lol, hi judd
<Draven> you gonna be at the lan
<phoenix> yeah
<Draven> good then can we have a live dance
<Draven> with the movie in the background
<phoenix> bellydance, lap, or strip?
<Gnomie> why not all?
<phoenix> hell, why not?
<Draven> those in order please
<phoenix> okay
<Draven> really...
<Draven> ok

der, i better do my calc homework now.

i am so psyched:  i'm actually going to be doing something on my birthday!  megan, jim, and i are supposed to go out to eat friday [well, let's see if that happens].  i bet anything that travis has forgotten that monday is my birthday, so we probably won't do anything.  then today ryan offered to take me out to a movie oder etwas that day.  i do want to stress the fact that this isn't a date - we're just friends.  yay for having a good birthday finally.  i'm in a really good mood right now.  val ended up getting the job [though the chances of us working together is practically nill, since we're both female].  one of these days soon i get to work with trent, which will be great.  'i'm getting really comfortable with those two and can't wait to finally work with trent and jim...  ryan i work with almost every night i work.  `cept, this week i work twice with bruce.  sigh.  woe is phoenix.

back to archives