i'm slightly better off, now.  spent some time pondering.  thought of some things draven said on the phone, which made me laugh.  talked to lokmer and michael (how can i meet people online, but not in person, ugh).  so, that was good.  cheered me up a bit.

and i haven't slept and i can hear people getting up for class.  not good.

i hurt more than you can ever know.  most of it i will never share with you.  i can't.  my house of cards has been hit by a gale and exists no longer.  i am loved.  i know that intellectually.  emotionally, though, it does not sink in.  there is always something just beyond my grasp.  my head hurts.  my entire body aches.  there is no peace of mind.  more and more for me to deal with everyday.  and as for college, i would drop out if only i had someone or somewhere.  in the past two years, i think, i have destroyed more than i can ever replace.  and that plagues me.  there are a million things i wish i could undo, not that it matters.  i really, truly do not wish to live.  there is so little good and so much bad, most of which i have caused.  every day i smile through my tears.  i shouldn't care anymore; i should be used to pain.  if there was a merciful god, he'd strike me down right now and save any further tears.  i'm sick, i'm coughing, i can barely talk.  mentally, hell, you know how i am.  if only i could learn to hide everything again.

fuck everything i ever believed in.

whoa.  kyle?

Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

some of you - fuck you, you have no idea.

i'm watching two things that lokmer sent me:  the blooper reel from his movie, and a scene from it.  trying to cheer myself up.

no wonder why i can't keep people in my life.

i thought you'd call back in an hour like you said you would.  i didn't even have the energy to sit here.  but, i crawled into bed, clutching my phone.  for a few hours.  it never rang.  not that this should surprise me.  i wouldn't want to talk to me, either.

 and it's more than i wrote about.  but, it really doesn't matter.  btw, did you call student welfare again?

this is not a fucking entry whining about how i'm going to kill myself because you want to date someone else.  this is not an "oh, i'm going to say my life sucks and threaten things just to get attention."  fuck anyone that even thinks that.

besides.

i don't even have anyone around, not for roughly 90 miles.  a few that distance, one across the country.  no one here.  i don't care anymore.  i've quit attending classes.  even if i do make it, i'll probably flunk out and have ended up wasting thousands of dollars.  i have no motivation.

and.

the car should have sufficient gas in it.  painless, i would think.  dark.  assuming energy to walk that far.

no worries.  i love you; bye.

"i have a cat." i explained to the three burly men from student welfare standing outside my dorm, after they wanted to see my wrist.  "can i see the other wrist, please?"  the blond asked.  i held it out - no cuts.  t-shirt covered the shoulders.  satisfied, they let me go.

bad enough your parents think i'm unhealthy for you and don't want me to see you.  that hurt.  but now i find that you think the exact same thing.  you have no idea how painful a blow that is.  sorry that i'm so miserable.  would it be healthy for you if i just left you alone?  right off the top of my head, i can think of three people that would be quite happy, i'm sure.

sorry you were nearly having a panic attack.  i never want to hurt you, though it may seem otherwise.  i love you.

when i find that even you deem me unhealthy to have in your life, it makes me wonder why i bother.  why i struggle to quit cutting, why i strive to keep my emotions "normal."  i do this so i'm less of a burden on you.  but now?  now what?  i'm having a fucking break down, and i don't care if i resort back to my addiction.

don't think i'm placing all the blame on you.  i'm not.  but try and understand why i feel as if i have been trampled upon.  i'm drowning already and i get thrown a life preserver with a hole in it.

i can't see through my tears anymore.  night.

lucky draven got sexy vnv nation dvd.

pretty boring blog entry today.  besides dad mocking my "boy-entering-puberty-while-razor-gargling" voice, there's not much else that happened today.  oh, and he decided to embarass me by apparantly snapping a ton of photos of me and bella sleeping together (i do not mean that in a sexual way, you perverts.)  when i woke up, my feet and hands were completely numb.  i'm not sure why or how, but somehow, it's the cat's fault.

i think my bladder hates me.

driving back home, i noticed that my car needed gas.  however, when i checked it, at the time i was in cass lake and it was dark out.  hell if i'm going to a gas station, at night, in that town.  i'll just have to remember to fill it in one of the less seedy places here in town.  in daylight.

i didn't fall asleep until 6 in the morning.  my sleeping habits are so screwed up.

emotions are evil.

i cranked up the volume in the car as i was driving home so that i would be unable to hear even my thoughts.

so, i'm flipping through the manila envelope full of stuff from bsu.  along with a calendar and such, there are three things that stuck out:  a coupon for pizza hut, 15% off a motel room, and then an ad for birthright.  does anyone else notice the humour in that?

i've become like val, pissing every twenty minutes.  my god, how much did i drink?  ah well, at least it's not because i have a monster baby pressing on my bladder.  (aren't you glad i share such things?)

i have to run home later.  i realized i forgot my medication there, and haven't taken my pills since thursday.

i've been playing with my colored charcoals for a bit today.  it's rather fun doing cartoons with them.

And she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

i'm lonely, but i don't feel like cutting.  how's that for amazing?  yay for phoenix.

well, i went to the store earlier today, feeling lonely and my throat was sore (i think draven got me sick.)  i decided to treat myself to a small thing of hagen daaz, along with some other groceries.  i got back to my dorm, all excited about my treat.  yeah, wasn't there.  they must have put it in another bag.  that makes me sad.

also, my computer is demon spawn.

y'know, there's something depressing about the fact that a friend's parent deliberatly asks them not to come see me.

wow.  i think i'm losing my voice.  i sound like a boy hitting puberty with knives in his throat.

val and eli are doing good, it sounds.  it's weird to think of my best friend as a mom, now.  then, there's a friend due in may.  babies everywhere.

ha, i've spent over an hour so far talking to an admin from da on msn.  normally i'm like, admin=better than phoenix (lowly subscriber).  but - he sent me a message and so we've been randomly chatting.  random is the best word by far.  we've discussed his new sheets, the attractiveness of a girl on a webpage, his hairless ex, college majors, taste in music, and more.  i feel almost special now.

so, sifting through old irc logs can be quite interesting.  it really makes me miss talking to blayne.  and some of the stuff in there is pretty damn hilarious.  ...reading through those cheers me up.  parts of last summer kicked ass.  just rereading stuff from kyle, josh, blayne, draven, travis...

i'm fucking sick of dealing with this every few years.  every few years, i change schools - have to make a totally new set of friends.  two years in one school, then one year, then four, one, five years, one year.  now here.  every fucking year it gets harder, not easier.  and, believe it or not, i was going to see if clarissa wanted to do something.  that's pretty goddamn brave for me, now.  of course, she's not around.  won't be `til like monday.  so, totally alone until classes start up on monday.  fucking joy.  i'm going to try and make myself go eat in the cafeteria tomorrow.  haven't done that yet.  dad's yelling at me, telling me i have to go eat there since he paid for 150 meals.  like i'll eat that many there in a semester.  i'll bring a book or something.  i don't like eating alone, but i'm sure as hell not going to just randomly sit with someone, either.

oh, fuck 9/11.  i'm sick of hearing about it.

i'm hungry, but it looks like i'm limited to eating bread and bawls.  nothing is open to eat on campus.  no money for vending machine.  can barely walk, so i don't want to have to go to wal-mart, which is the only place open that i could get food.  oh, wait, i have peanut butter, too.  hurrah.

i'm going to vent by shooting things.  hopefully the computer doesn't freeze and crash again.

comp support finally came through!

last night i did a lot of thinking as i laid in bed.  for roughly 90% of my life (~18 years) i didn't show emotion.  not sadness, anger, depression, excitement... nothing.  took exactly after dad, really.  then in the past two years, i did a 180.  i became hyper-emotional and showed almost everything.  unfortunately, this is the only side a few people have seen.  i really need to balance this out.  either way is not healthy for me.  i'm really going to try and strike a balance - it will be best for me and all those around me.  after all, if i don't, i'll continue to destroy those things precious to me.  it's been done enough, as it is.

in a further display of my inherrent elegance, i misstepped and fell on my face in the grass, twisting my ankle.  i now walk as if i am severely crippled.

in human nature today we dissected the christian creation story and discussed why it was illogical.  we also had a side conversation about religion and psychotropic drugs.

"And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong"

today was a good day, i'm happy to say (good god, that rhymed).  i'm sleepy, so this will be relatively short (i have to get up at 7:30 to head back to college.  whoo.)  first off - val had her baby early thursday morning.  a boy - 9 pounds, 8 ounces.  i only talked to her for a minute this morning; she sounded pretty groggy.

a bit later, draven and i got together.  after he ate, we went to... eep, i forget what it's called.  i remember going there in october...  this is going to bug me now.  i'm sleepy and i'm babbling, sorry.  we sat on one of the blue ... ski lifts(?) and chatted.  he took a few pictures - essentially, just what we normally do... yeah.  stayed there for a few hours, then headed out to 371 diner to get him something to drink.  like a shake, two pops, and two waters.  eh.  well, we split a shake as well as a platter of appetizers.  i barely ate, and he didn't eat too much, either.  we just chilled there for a while, after which we just kind of drove around.  for a while we ended up going in circles, passing a garage sale about five times.  ...and then there was the church parking lot.  we just relaxed there, which was good for the most part (barring the bit i got pissed and we had to sort that out.)  also, due to my 1) inability to run in knee-high boots, and 2) natural clumsiness, went rolling through the parking lot, ending up in two bloodied knees.  ah well.  on the plus side, when i got home, my parents never even noticed the rather odd condition of my neck.  it truly does look like i was strangled.  oh, and i now have a new crop of mosquito bites, but i think he still has grass in his hair.  mwah.  draven did scare me a bit while driving, however.  driving in the other lane, going into the dirt, whipping around so that he can "ride a cow."  (he scared them away.)  anyway.  all in all, it was actually a very good day.  one of the best i've had in a while.

yay for vnv nation.

Warum liebe ich, wenn ich den Schmerz spüre?

all right, well, computer support was no help today.  i'll just keep calling them.  though proxy may work, too, if i can figure that out.

val is going to get a c-section on friday, due to doctor's orders.  i guess they're thinking the baby may be 10.5 pounds, though the ultrasound can be a pound off either way.  so her baby is somewhere between 9.5 - 11.5 pounds.

mom gave me a present that i'm not ever going to let her live down:  soap.  (she bought it `cause it's all natural.)  my parents had no clue what to get me for my birthday, so my other presents were a big bag of almonds, a picture frame, a cd, and a case of bawls.  mmmm, bawls.

i ran into senor at sa, and we talked for a minute.  that was a bit odd, but kinda cool.

awww.  draven surprised me.  i wasn't expecting him to get me anything for my birthday, but he got me a 3-month sub to da, as well as a print!  thank you!

apparantly men that have been circumcised have a shorter erect penis than do those that are uncircumcised.  i also learned about smegma, which i don't recommend reading in your spare time.  i'm still not sure how i came across this.

i can't sleep.  i have class at nine.

yay for another exciting birthday that will be spent alone.

i had a rare, non-masochistic dream last night.  yeah, too bad nice things like in that dream don't happen to me.  i don't fucking care anymore; i'm going to whine.  draven correctly guessed how i was feeling when he called up.  my mood hasn't changed since then.  my knife is my only company.  ...that, and the stuffed cat i got from draven...

blah.  bloody fucking pissed as hell.  lots of things, really.  the school is a bitch (besides not letting me upload.  other ways.)  and... just other shit.  i hate a lot of things right now.  don't mind me.  i'm just going to curl up and cry.  not like i deserve any better, anyway.

i got new boots.  yay.  brown, zippered like my other pair.  mom saw them and thought that i'd like them.  she was right.  i really do like them...

bought myself a present.  you'll never guess.

my insides are being ripped apart.

i am not going to randomly find people to hang out with.  fuck that.

masochistic dreams befall me every night.  i wish they'd come true.  i'd give anything for them to be true.

happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday dear phoenix
happy birthday to me...

interesting.  i'm reading an email that gia sent out.  it contains some interesting statistics about bush.  like, for example, between august and october 2002, 7 arabic linguists were fired for being gay.  whoa, how's this for disturbing:  130 nations (of the 191 recognized by the u.n.) have u.s. military presence.  i don't feel like typing a bunch up, but if anyone wants a copy, it's an interesting read.

ah, here we go.  guantánamo bay.  camp x-ray.  camp delta.  number of suspected al-qa'ida members held there:  680.  confirmed suicide attempts by prisoners?  32.  number of detainees under watch by psychiatrists?  24.  hours spent shackled, blindfolded, handcuffed, made to wear earmuff and surgical masks during the flight to guantánamo?  22.  and there's more.

shit, get this.  countries were ranked according to whether they were a threat to world peace.  israel, iran, and north korea took the top three spots.  number four?  the united states of america.

my cousin so kicks ass.

one of my cousins had a baby girl:  isabella ivy.  guess what they call her?  bella.  ha.

i'm googling info on porphyria.  dad thinks i'm weird.

talked to val for a while today.  the doctors are saying that her baby will probably be 9.5 lbs.  good god!  that's huge.  poor girl.  she's so sick of being pregnant.  val was telling me how she used to be so excited to be having a baby.  now, she says, she must have been on crack.

i swear, come christmas break - my computer is coming back here with me, even though i have a hell of a time carrying it.  it's so weird using this one.  anyway.  didn't do a whole lot today, actually.  i sat and watched some episode on vh1 about one-hit wonders.  the #1 on the list was "macarena."  c'mon who doesn't remember that song?  all right, i'm going to embarass myself, but at least i can't hear you laugh at me.  yet.  i remember my parents bought me the single and i used to play it all the time.  i loved that song!  and bridget and i actually used to know the macarena, and so we dance to it.  yes, that's right.  i used to dance the macarena.  that's hilarious and highly embarassing all at the same time.  that reminded me of even more embarassing moments in my life (like getting yelled at by a teacher for doodling on all of my spelling tests) but you guys have enough reasons already to laugh at me.

yay for using a really old, slow computer.

danny was holding a garage sale, and my parents decided to drop some stuff off and help him with it.  after i showered et al., i decided to join them.  the sale was fairly uneventful, although danny did give me some stuff for free.  so now i have even more cables, plus three dsl routers (plus all the stuff that they came with).  he has a ton of routers.  `course, that's probably because he used to work for qwest, too.  he also gave me a book about hacking/security.  it's 10 years old, but it's still kind of interesting.  as danny rifled through it, he asked me if there were still bulletin boards.  i answered in the affirmative, just as mom said, "of course there are!  we just sold one, remember?"  dad, danny, and i laughed so hard.  i thought i was going to piss myself.  after learning what we were laughing at, she replied, "i'm so used to being embarrased it doesn't even matter anymore."

i guess my uncle is going back to house arrest in december.  he hasn't stopped drinking, actually, and unbeknownst to the proper authorities, he is still driving (he had his license taken away for a few months.)  so, if he gets caught - jail time.  pity.  oh, and i guess my aunt is under house arrest right now.

anyway.  danny took us out to eat at ernies, which was okay.  i had a bit of a time attempting to find something that i could eat.  y'know, in the 24 hours that i've been home, i've eaten more than i normally do in a few days.  crazy.

whoo.  i feel like typing, but i have nothing of interest to say.  and i can't really go out and find any interesting stories to link to, either, since the modem is so incredibly slow.  actually, the entire computer is slow, but i'll deal.  though i do miss the t1 line.  and a scrolling mouse.  but the keyboard is nice, i must admit that.  and the mousepad has a little gel thing to rest my wrist on.

i'm watching cheers.  haven't seen this for years.

eek.  it's storming out; i'll shut up, now.

sometime between friday evening and tuesday evening you should call me.  you know you want to.

ugh.  it's been close to 36 hours since i've been able to access ftp or email.  damn you, hosting!

in the computer lab today (all set up with fedora), we had to do some quick, basic work in the terminal.  i was the only one that knew what to do without instructions.  i'm sure that will be the last time that happens.

every day i get more disgusted with my fellow americans.  everyone hates us.  we are no better than the countries we bomb.  and... one person, who shall remain nameless, was asked

If you had the power to choose between these two future scenarios, which would you prefer?
1) The European Race (White) still in tact but in a violent world such as we see now.
2) A worldwide homogenous race (brownish) living peacefully.

that pretty much sums up my mood right now.  never mind the fact that bsu's computer support staff is worthless, or that the server this is on has been down for 12+ hours so that i can't access anything, or the fact that i'm suicidal, or that dad is pissed at me.  those are all fucking trivial.  everything in this goddamn life is trivial.  i sometimes wonder why i even try.  why waste money on the fucking meal plan, or classes that won't do me any good anyway.  books that i will only peruse prior to a test.  what if i'm too stupid for computer science?  remember - i was failing calculus before, what makes me think i can do it now?  i'll end up with a fucking philosophy degree, which only means that i'll be the most educated at some gas station.  i'm going to go to the cafeteria to eat tonight.  dad is so pissed that i haven't gone yet.  i have fucking 150 meals i have to use in one semester.  that is too much.  since i'll be eating alone, i'll bring my books and read the chapters for class tomorrow.  comp sci, human nature, aesthetics.  i have lab tomorrow at nine in the morning.  fuck.  starting sept. 17, i won't have aesthetics for a month.  but then we'll have 3 3-hour night classes when he returns from denmark.  i hate eating alone.  though i should be used to it.  then again, there's a lot i should be used to, but still makes me cry.

... mormons got my phone number...  creepy.

drinking cherry coke.  i can feel my teeth rotting.

regarding harlequin babies:  i posted some thoughts on it at exc.  basically, the regulars (mainly exchristian, though one jew and a christian) expressed sorrow and agreed with me on the points pertaining to god.  if he existed, why did he do this; why allow it; etc. and so on.  you get the gist.  one woman stepped in and said, and i quote

EXCUSE ME?! I'm getting sick of this question. God is God. He does what He wants and we cannot comprehend His divine plan as mere mortals. We're talking potters and pots!

You atheists love to go on about "logic." Well, use logic! Just look at that thing: it was a demonic influence. Perhaps the baby was born in sin and God found it merciful to end its existance early. Babies always get into heaven so who really cares anyway?

don't try and fucking correct me when you don't even know the difference between atheist and agnostic!  "you don't say there isn't a god; that makes you agnostic."  no, it does not, you idiot.  agnostic is the belief that we cannot know whether or not god(s) exist.  atheism is a disbelief or denial of god(s).

anyway.  i think i'm going to like the teacher of my comp sci class.  not necessarily the class, but the teacher at least.  he's starting to go bald (think heslop, for those that know.), wore denim shorts, sandals, and a neon yellow tee.  he seems cool.  socialogy... i hope that goes okay.  the class seems rather snobbish.  aesthetics teacher seems great.  he's very relaxed.  human nature.  that class outta be interesting.  a majority of the class is going to be spent on whether we are solely material beings or if we have a second nature (i.e. soul).

three day weekend coming up.  i'll be in town all of saturday, sunday, monday, and part of tuesday.  actually, probably friday night, too.  then wednesday night and thursday afternoon.  hint hint.

it's my birthday in a week.  i'll be 20.

debating with an ignorant sterotypical fundy.  how fun.  .txt file of our argument so far.  i'm sure it will get longer.

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