hrm. happy halloween. i forgot what day it was until i noticed google's logo. locke and i are going to go see the college's rendition of the rocky horror show tonight. outta be interesting.
i made reservations today at the days inn, bloomington. you have no idea how long it took val and i to find a hotel that wasn't sold out, and that wasn't above our economic means.
fun with webcams...
because
this seems like a cute idea at the time, [sleep. desperately. needed...], i'm going to post a few favorite
webcam shots taken tonight. best viewed small.
all my worry was for nought, fortunatly. mom decided to not play 20 questions, and dad actually talked. [mom even commented later that locke was a "nice boy".] all in all, things went well. mom let locke in upon all my many little flaws [like, biting people. and cutting myself with a butter knife.] dad seemed to like him, inasmuch as that he actually spoke with him. holy webcam photos. i must have 200 or so to sort through - locke and i were messing with it tonight before we took off from my place. after, we ran to breezy so pick up the books from trent, then headed back to locke's. if nothing else, at least i'm semi-entertaining when i'm half-conscious. i'm barely coherant right now. he pointed out to me that my language abilities start to suffer when i get tired. as i was leaving, i walked out of his door, remarked, "ah, good. darkness." smack. i ran right into a wall. i have a bad feeling locke will probably make a note of that in his blog sometime, as well. heh, phoenix is so stupid sometimes.
i sent out transcripts - again. thing is, i have to take 19 credits next semester or not get my a.a. bah. val came over for a few hours. we checked hotels in andover, didn't find any, so that means i need to look again soon. very soon. we made a run into town, too, so that i could cash my check, and she could return some clothing. we were going to open her a checking account, but she didn't have a current driver's license.
hrm. um, so i'm starting to rethink my costume. i'll try the haltertop on tomorrow, but with these marks - they'll probably be highly visible. cover-up won't help enough, either. shrug.
right. i'm going to sort through those photos, then... go to bed, methinks.
i skipped both my classes today. i slept in late, then met val for lunch. we got a pizza and breadsticks at papa johns, grabbed two bottles of dr. pepper, then made our way back to the college to feast. afterwards, we headed over to target so that i could pick up some more gel, and val bought... something i don't recall. she bought me a card, which i'll scan in later. it reminds us both perfectly of each other. gah, i'm really tired and i don't know what to say. bella meow is driving me crazy. locke met up with me at work, and i ended up coming back home at 2:00 a.m. yay. i would have been home earlier [like, 1.5 hours earlier] if it wasn't for the fact that we had to, uh, sort something out. i, being hyper-sensitive phoenix, got pissed at him for something that he said. for a while, the more we talked the more agitated i became, as i felt that i was being mocked. we talked that over, and i calmed down a bit. at one point while he was driving, he put his hand over mine. i stared down at it, blankly, but with a hundred thoughts and emotions flying. maybe be sensed that, maybe not, but at any rate - he asked what i was thinking. "nothing. and everything. if that makes sense," i replied. i didn't know how to explain, nor was sure i should try, so i just said that. i do hope that tomorrow all goes well. so long as religion never comes up in the conversation...
goodbye, jamei. your friendship was wonderful while it lasted. i'll miss you.
whoo, i just realized that i actually got quoted on blayne's quote.txt. i feel special now.
it's odd how val and i speak now. we end up talking in unison, which is crazy. talk about a connection between people, eh? speaking of val, we're supposed to be meet tomorrow at the college at noon. i hope she remembers.
yay! kyle has a blog now, or rather, "b"log, as he calls it. everyone, go check it out. and force him to continue blogging, rather than cop out after a while like josh and blayne.
hrm, i should probably be at the college around 10:00 tomorrow, though, as i should talk to locke. granted, he said that he would come into work later tomorrow night, but still. we need to sort out the, uh, lies to tell my mom. thursday is gonna be a good day - no class, and locke's coming over. ...i hope all bodes well in that aspect.
hrm, i still have $100 (per minute) written on my hand. thanks, jim.
i got my hair chopped again; i love it. i am in such a great mood today and i have not the faintest idea why. hrm, even though i work with jim tonight, i don't feel like working. today is not one of those days that i want to be out there, dealing with customers and freezing: this is more of a cuddle-up-in-front-of-the-fireplace days. that sounds good. i should get a fire going tonight after work. oder etwas. but i should head off to class sometime soon, i guess.
val was coming over today, but before i headed home, i stopped by locke's. i shouldn't have, because i really did not want to leave today. i would have been quite happy staying there for a few more hours. i felt kind of bad, as val was driving to my house, whereas i was still back at locke's, not wanting to drag myself home. he's coming over for dinner on thursday, however, which out to be interesting. mom's excited, while dad seems to not care at all. then again, dad's not a people person whatsoever.
so i emailed travis about wanting to get my stuff back, and also included in the email a few choice things. he apologized for the marriage comment, but vehemently denied the comments about having that woman give up her kid. he also told me, "i am not dating anyone right now that i know of." that he knows of? either you're dating someone or not. heh, i don't know, i just found that comment funny.
val came over tonight, which was fun. we chatted, and later on in the evening made a run to the store to pick up food [chocolate, pizza, mozzie sticks. mmm.] we saw donna there, who whined about how we never come to see her.
hrm, yay for work tomorrow. oder etwas...
argh, is the irc server down for anyone else?
heh. so kyle is going to have a "b"log. excellent. so i found my beret that i thought i had lost. i got like three years ago and haven't worn it for at least two, because i didn't know where it was. now, there's only one downside to wearing it to class. locke, too, has a beret. that would look kind of sad to see me in my coat and beret, and locke in his coat and beret.
i think i need a day away from people. well, a few hours, at any rate.
last night. gah. i was actually in a pretty decent mood at work [barring the fever i had]. kyle came in for a while, which was fun. we need to go check out the bemidji campus sometime. heh, maybe we can drag val along and go to the wal-mart there too. [um, long story]. anyway, just minutes after kyle pulls out of the parking lot, in walks blayne. okay, fine, nothing wrong with that. we got along for a few minutes, then... i don't even remember what it was, but i got severely pissed off at him. he appears to get some kind of perverse joy out of irritating the hell out of me. i don't understand. and, thing is, i don't tell him that his opinions are wrong or that he's wrong or illogical, etc., yet it seems fine to do that to me. he seems to be more hostile to me than others. i respect his opinions, why can't he mine? maybe i'm too naive or idealistic. or stupid. it really doesn't matter either way, in the end. shortly after i got home locke called and we decided to do something. he informed me that people were getting together at andy's, so we decided to head over there, at least for a little bit. everyone there already knew that i was pissed at blayne. tyler told me that he was going to call me to invite me over, but since blayne was coming over, he didn't. when blayne stepped out of his car, jimmy was like, "there's blayne!" and stood in front of me, to hide me, oder etwas. it was humorous. andy got a few photos of people, which i can't wait to see. there's a few of kyle [one with him looking like clint eastwood] and one of me holding a cigar. that's the most that they could get me to do. i refused to even hold it in my mouth, let alone take a drag. though blayne did. i don't know why i allow blayne to get to me. i tried to just avoid blayne while at andy's, thinking that would be best. i went and sat with josh and kyle, preferring their company to that of the others in the living room / kitchen. eventually blayne made his way in there, made further comments [including "brit", which everyone knows is a sure-fire way to get on my nerves], and so i left to go find locke. we talked, he took two shots, kyle took one, etc., etc., we went outside so he could smoke, and we talked. i wanted to leave. i love being with the guys, but i honestly could not take it much longer. we stepped back into the house. blayne started talking and he could tell i was irritated with him: "you're really mad at me, aren't you?" locke answered for me, with "yeah, she is." i walked past blayne to go say goodbye to the guys. having done so, i walked back to go put my clogs back on. all of a sudden, blayne started with a story that involved driving and his cavalier. assuming that he was going to tell me how he hit something again, i freaked out. "shut up, blayne! i don't want to hear it!" locke and i discussed alot last night, laying there on his mattress. i always feel a sense of guilt when i unload on him, probably because i'm used to mom and travis telling me to just be happy and stop with the self-pity and how i depress them when i do so... it never ceases to amaze me that locke actually seems to care about me.
i accidentally said "pissed" in front of mom today, and as she bolted upright i quickly tried to cover myself. as fast as i could i apologized and substituted "angered". she also asked me today if i wanted to invite locke over for dinner someday soon. he seems to have made quite the impression on her. she saw him again last night [he was even all in black] and was impressed by his "sincere politeness". she already likes him much more than she liked travis.
i feel better now, after that rant and listening to "building a mystery" over and over again...
If it's getting harder to face every day
Don't let it show, don't let it show
Though it's getting harder to take what they say
Just let it go, just let it go
And if it hurts when they mention my name
Say you don't know me
And if it helps when they say I'm to blame
Say you don't own me
Even if it's taking the easy way out
Keep it inside of you
Don't give in
Don't tell them anything
Don't let it
Don't let it show
Even though you know it's the wrong thing to say
Say you don't care, say you don't care
Even if you want to believe there's a way
I won't be there, I won't be there
But if you smile when they mention my name
They'll never know you
And if you laugh when they say I'm to blame
They'll never own you
Even if you feel you've got nothing to hide
Keep it inside of you
Don't give in
Don't tell them anything
Don't let it
Don't let it show
"don't let it show" - alan parsons project
okay, so for the next few days i'm going to be a bit careful on what shirts i choose to wear. but tonight went well, even though i did get pissed off at locke. i'm no longer irritated, though. i made a point to stay until i knew i calmed down. i didn't want to leave like that. we did talk it over, then just laid there for a while, silent, listening to the music and to the silence. as of right now, i am still in a pensive, introspective mood. i have "thru the eyes of ruby" playing in the background - it was also playing over at locke's. he is so sweet... i really hold back on affection until i am totally comfortable with people, and i feel bad about that. maybe because he's affectionate... he's so sweet, in both words and actions. </sappy blog entry>
work with val went well tonight. moo. i still feel so full: we ordered a pizza and mozzerella sticks from tasty. we ate it all, too. i guess i no longer work with ryan, which kicks ass. but yeah, i should get going to bed, as i have to go to confession tomorrow and then i also work.
so i'm guessing my bible just sucks then. i looked up the passage in one of mom's bibles, and here's what it said: and i will be to it, saith the lord, a wall of fire round about: and i will be in glory in the midst thereof. that a bit more profound, eh? and what's this i hear about val possibly going catholic? she and mom had a huge talk [5 hours!] today. mom invited her over to talk, about josh, the marriage, etc. and, of course, it morphed into religion. but...
anyway, work was great. by the end of the night, my face actually hurt from laughing so hard. jim is so much fun to work with. he says that i'm "by far, the most interesting person to work with." i guess that's a good thing. all of his amusement comes at my expense, but hey. i don't care. so long as i can make someone laugh.
my winamp playlist is kind of strange tonight. there's everclear, r.e.m., matchbox twenty, vnv nation, garbage, marilyn manson, nine inch nails, sarah mclachlan, moby, and coldplay.
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind
A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love
Fire (she’s comin’ down on her own, now)
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I’ve left behind
Another prop has occupied my time
This one goes out to the one I love
"the one i love" - r.e.m.
i am not going to cry anymore.
i am not going to cry anymore. i am not going cry anymore.
and i thought things were going oh
so well, too. mom and i got in a huge fight when i came home and reluctantly let them know that i had dropped calc
and would take it at a later time. she freaked out. i don't understand why, because she didn't act half as bad
yesterday. we fought pretty heavily, and i'm starting to notice similarities in the way we argue. i can pick
out her style and dad's style in the way i argue. kind of strange. it does make things easier, however, because
due to that and the fact that we argue constantly, i have a rough idea of what's going to come out of her mouth next.
thus, i have a good offense.
i went over to locke's again today. oh, before that... we were driving, and he asked me what was one thing i wanted to do before i died. as an ...incentive... to answer, he switched lanes and sped towards an oncoming car. i refused to answer. would i have answered if i was less sure of the fact that he wouldn't actually kill us both? i don't know. i'm stupidly stubborn that way. erm. anyway. bah, i look bruised. it's actually kind of funny, if you ignore the fact that mom would kill me if she ever noticed and i was forced to explain. locke's was... fun. heh.
ah, i checked out locke's deviantart and found one poem of his that i love.
the only thing that is keeping me holding onto catholicism is fear. oh, that reminds me. one of mom's friends said that while praying, she got a message from god for me. it was a bible passage: zechariah, chapter 2, verse 5. it is perhaps one of the most inane passages i've read [that, or i am just not in the least theologically inclined]: again i raised my eyes and looked: there was a man with a measuring line in his hand. when i cracked open the bible to read, i was a bit frightened at what it would say. if it had said something about purity or being chaste... cough...
think this article will change a conservative's mind about the "gay-choice lifestyle"?
so, um, note to self: next time when going to locke's, be sure to bring along cover-up. when i got home tonight i ran straight up to my room to hide two marks. and, damnit, i just discovered that i missed one. ah well, that's... lower. anything else is, um, negligible. light markings that should be gone by tomorrow. okay, i'm not really blogging much tonight. use your imagination. [damn, i've gone farther with locke than with travis. i'm not sure what that says about me, or travis...] this alone is perhaps too much info. could be worse, though.
so my parents took me withdrawing from calc much better than i expected. dad was not too highly concerned, as i reassured him that i would take it next semester. mom gaped at me. but, hey, they understood, and i don't have to pay, either. life is good - especially today.
you have no idea how badly i am dreading tonight. i've decided to withdraw from calculus, and i have no idea how i'm going to tell my parents. no... i guess that's a lie. i know exactly what i am going to tell them, i just fear their anger. i'm perfectly willing to pay for those five damn credits. all four, five hundred dollars? damn. even if i do pass this class [which probably isn't going to happen, no matter how hard i try right now], i would fail in calc 2. it's not that i'm not smart enough, i am, but i can't do it right now. calc this semester is comparable to how trig was last year. i can do it, but nothing sinks in, and thus in the end it is useless. i have learned nothing, just went through the motions. if i am to pass calculus 2 later on, first i must understand calculus 1. my parents are not going to be at all happy, but i need to do this. even if they don't approve, i hope they at least understand. because i'm withdrawing.
i should have clarified that i'm not dreading everything tonight. i'm going over to locke's around five. before that, i'm supposed to head over to josh and andy's new bachelor pad.
but as soon as i finish this entry, i'm going to relax my mind and help me de-stress by taking a nice, long, bubble bath. mmmmm.
just because i seem to have a masochistic sense of procrasination involving calc, i read the lyrics to "building a mystery" by sarah mclachlan. this song is perhaps one of my top 10 all-time favorites. does this remind anyone else of locke?
you come out at night
that's when the energy comes
and the dark side's light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from a faith
that died before Jesus came
you're building a mystery
you live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away
can you look out the window
without your shadow getting in the way
oh you're so beautiful
with an edge and a charm
but so careful
when I'm in your arms
(chorus)
'cause you're working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you're working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully
you woke up screaming aloud
a prayer from your secret god
you feed off our fears
and hold back your tears
give us a tantrum
and a know it all grin
just when we need one
when the evening's thin
oh you're a beautiful
a beautiful fucked up man
you're setting up your
razor wire shrine
chorus
repeat chorus
i came home last night with a scratch on my stomach. i know it wasn't there before i left, and i didn't do it myself. hrm. well, i'll just blame it on locke, then. comp class was so bad today, as i kept zoning out, thinking about last night. i'd be replaying something in my mind, then i'd have to force myself to snap back to the reality of writing a works cited page. blah.
<val> why are you so mean to phoenix?
<ryan> because i feel like it.
holy uber-stress. i come home, worried as always about calc, and pissed off about ryan because of how he was treating me when i stopped into breezy earlier today, and so what does mom do? she bitches me out about me wanting to stay the night when the four of us go down to the concert. she tells me that if i miss mass it is a mortal sin. i won't have any more grace or protection then. i probably forfeited that long ago, however. i've skipped mass once or twice... naw, more than that. i can't recall. i've already gone further than what would be considered chaste [it doesn't take much in catholicism, does it?]. sigh. i wish i either had more faith, or less. there is nothing worse than a lukewarm catholic.
damnit, phoenix, cheer up and de-stress. don't push people away by depressing them anymore... that's not fricking healthy, whether or not it is a subconscious test.
so i'm currently obsessed with "unemployed boyfriend" by everclear. how can you not love a song that has lines like
i lost control of my car heading back from breezy. according to the bystanders, it whipped around in circles, twice. then i went into the ditch, where it temporarily died on me. i just remember seeing that i was going in the ditch, then i over-corrected, and spun around. i headed for the other side, where there were trees, and i thought for sure i was going to hit them. somehow, my car stopped in the dirt. i don't know what happened. that was perhaps the scariest thing that's happened to me in a long time, though. i sat there, shocked, for a second, then picked up my cell phone, remembering that i just had just left kyle at breezy. i was shaking, and there were five or six people milling about, wondering if i was all right. someone asked me if i had been drinking. i kept telling them that i was fine, just shaky, and that i didn't know what had happened. kyle showed up, and slowly the bystanders meandered back to wherever it was they had come from. kyle and i stood by the side of the road, behind my car, talking. i was still shaking. he offered to follow me home. at that moment, still shaking, i was so happy and relieved that i wanted to hug kyle for being so sweet. but, since i don't normally hug people, i thought that would perhaps be too akward for the both of us, and so i didn't... my parents are never going to know about this...
"phoenix, that guy was blatantly hitting on you. how the hell did you not notice?"
i came home and discovered that i had two voicemails - both from trent. he had called while i was with locke. he sounded upset and wanted me to call him back asap, so of course, i did. for the next 45 minutes, i listend to him apologize to me for not respecting me and for treating me "like a prostitute" and so on. it finally reached the point where i told him, "look, i'll stop into breezy tomorrow and we can talk. i have homework; i have to go."
bah. i'm such a bad kisser.
all right, today was excellent, from morning to now. i went and picked
up val at 11:00 a.m., and we headed out to st. cloud. we bummed around the mall for a while, then got too hungry and
decided to eat at olive garden. we go there every time we stop in st. cloud; ah, gotta love olive garden. our
waitress offered us wine, not seeming or caring to realize that both of us were underage. we declined, then ordered
virgin strawberry margaretas. we later came to find out that they weren't virgin, but hey, they gave us liquor.
not our
fault. after that it was back to shopping. i hit the used cd store, getting stabbing westward, chumbawamba,
everclear, and madonna. val seemed to think that was quite eclectic. hrm. we also went to plato's closet
where we decided on my costume: the anti-phoenix. basically this means that i'm wearing a pink halter top,
pink flip-flops, and tight white pants... that are just slightly um... yeah... so that means a white thong.
this out to be interesting. i'm dreading it.
just after i got into town and put gas in the car, locke called. i had to tell him that there was no way that we could go out of dinner tonight - if i did, i'd be sick. so it was decided that we would just go back to his house. he made quite the impression on my mom, who deemed him "polite and respectful". i was almost shocked when i saw him, because of what he was wearing: preppy hair, shirt, pants, and jacket. but at any rate, mom likes him... that, and she was thrilled with the roses that he brought me. they're gorgeous... so anyway, we went back to his house where we watched hamlet. kind of. let's just say that tonight was much better this way than had it been spent eating dinner. and... what else did we do? um... talk... watched some fear factor and prodigy music videos. those were quite odd. and... yeah...
mm, black camisol and black velour pants. not quite sexy, but oh-so-comfortable. i keep rubbing my new pants - i love them, they're just so soft! bah, but i really need to get cracking on that homework. sigh. i need to quit procrastinating.
ah, as i'm too lazy to fit these into where they actually belong in the blog entry, here's two random things from my day: coming into nisswa, i was following a little old lady. the light is green, so what does she do? stop. i honked, and she never moved. asinine little old ladies. oh, and travis called shortly before locke picked me up. he wanted to go to a movie, and i told him that i was doing something with locke instead. his reply? "oh... i guess i'll go back home and do homework, then."
is this what i want, is this what's best? am i just caught up in the moment, caught up in the flesh? when will i ever learn? are these all manipulative games of mine, or is there something really there? what do i even really want? whom is it that i'm trying so hard to please? me? my parents, my friends? did i ever really learn from past mistakes, or are they too filed somewhere way back in my mind, just ever-so-slightly out of reach? why can't i just be in bemidji right now, away from all my problems? would that even really change anything? am i ready for what i want? do i need what i desire? would life be better off with or without what i want? why am i so uneased? what is it that i truly need or what from life at this very moment in time? do i need to worry more about myself than others? maybe i think about too many things too much, too hard? why the hell can't i just make up my mind for once in my life?
after jim made me promise not to
hurt
him, he told me, "i can't picture you ever wearing pink, phoenix." i paused, and stared at him, quite confused.
then my eyes widened, realizing what he meant, and i quickly hiked up my pants. damn new thong.
work was
great tonight; i love working with jim. he says that i'm his favorite person to work with, which is always nice to
hear. my elbow hurts like hell right now, though, because one of the times when he picked me up, my elbow knocked
up against a counter. he feels bad, though, which makes it almost worthwhile. heh. anyway. he
dropped pennies and ice down my shirt, and damn when you can't get ice out your clothing, it sucks... so cold...
"smile, phoenix, you're cute," jim told me. i almost choked, laughing, on my cheeto. perhaps it
wouldn't have been so funny if he didn't seem so serious. i don't know why, but it always seems like he's trying to
get me to smile. he always tells me to smile, and he'll even attempt to lift up the corners of my mouth [on the
rare occasions when i allow him to touch my face].
so yeah. all my attempts at figuring out what, exactly, i want from life are ending up in a dead-end. what do i believe from my catholic upbringing, and is that the religion that i want for myself? do i want to be part of an organized religion? what do i even believe in anymore? what do i want, and what am i willing to give, in a relationship? as much as i want a relationship, is it a good idea right now, considering that i know it would be short-term, as i leave for bemidji in 9 months or so? [yes, it's a good idea, damnit. yes...] and... other questions... i'm just so confused about everything in my life right now.
i took a little quiz thing on jello's blog for what god/goddess would you be, and here's what i got for myself, and a few others:
"genesis [icon of coil version]" by vnv nation quite simply kicks ass...
right. i think i'm going to attempt to start on my homework finally.
kyle and i left around 5:30 tonight to head for st. cloud. we got back sometime around 12:30. the two us didn't talk too much on the way back, but that's okay - it was a comfortable silence. i think it's a true sign of friendship when you realize that you don't have to keep talking or be interesting. you can each rest and think without worrying about filling the silence. anyway. scsu campus is strange... it has places called "quarry" and "apocolypse". i fear i'd get lost at that university - it's fricking huge. well, compared to clc, at least. we bought some food and pops from the little pizza hut on campus, and headed back to kyle's car, where we ate and people-watched. we called blayne to let him know that we were coming over then drove off to domino's, where we got a free pizza [yay for campus cash]. then it was off to blayne's. we found the apartment relatively easily and stayed there for the next couple hours. blayne's place is tinier than i thought it was. it seems larger in pictures, i guess. still, it's a cute little apartment. it's funny - walking into the bedroom, you just halt. so much computer parts... same is true for the main room. it's set up well, though.
ugh, i don't want to work tomorrow. i still have a lot of homework i need to get done, and i was going to start that tonight. i'm way too tired now, though...
i just realized i google strange things... i have that google toolbar, which i use constantly. a few of my last search entries include:
i'm working on a few mix cds for val... one will be a christmas gift for her, the other will be a going away present. i'm determined that they will be the best mixes i've done yet.
so kyle is supposed to call me after he gets off of work, which i think may be another hour or so. then it's off to st. cloud to spend that $500, visit his old roommate, and visit blayne. i gotta find those directions to blayne's apartment. or, i suppose i could just call his home phone... at any rate, i should probably call before we just show up.
i woke up emotionally numb today. does that make any sense whatsoever? it happens sometimes, and i can never predict how long it will last. granted, i don't feel stressed, yet i feel no joy, either. i'm basically incapable of feeling anything. it's a numb peace. but maybe i need this right now. i have a lot of things i need to think about and reconcile with other beliefs... things that i just need to sort out, and it's so much easier to do so without having all the emotions in the way. i actually enjoy my hyper-emotionality, but sometimes - this strange, awkward numbness is a godsend.
i wonder if there's something in my room causing me to cough? i'll have to check that out later... hrm.
so anyway. i have a glorious five day weekend, though i have to write two papers and do calc. bah. i'll start that tomorrow or so. i got out of fitness early today, which meant that i got to work half an hour early. whoo. to my dismay, ryan was still there when i got there. he greeted me with, "hi, hypocrite." bastard. as if i don't feel bad enough about my leather obsession. well, at least i won't have to work with him too often, as he requested to paula that he not work with me any longer. good. kyle, locke, trent, josh, and the lubke boy all made an appearance tonight. kyle actually stopped in twice, whilst locke stayed... well, he stayed for many hours. locke and val do not get along at all, sadly enough. she tried to keep out of his way for much of the night, which meant doing random bitch work chores and calling up her fiance and chatting with him in the restaurant. not that i care. well, i mean i care how she feels, not that she went off with her josh for a while. there was something i was going to blog about, but i can't recall it right now. anyway, after work, locke and i went for a long walk. that was great, and i did feel much better after that walk than i did earlier in the evening. i don't really remember what we talked about... religion was one topic, for sure [it always seems to be]. other than that, i don't recall. we sat on the little swing for a while, but that was so damn cold. my teeth chattered, and not only was i wearing my duster, but i had locke's on me as well. we were both chilly after a while, so then we moved into his car. i'm tired, so my memory is fading temporarily. i remember hitting him. a lot. locke and i went nine minutes being civil [read: for nine minutes, i didn't hit him]. we were quite proud of ourselves, as we had only aimed for two minutes. ...well, i was proud of us, at any rate.
"with that look on your face, you make me want to kill him." a trent comment, viewing my visage after me having spoken angrily of ryan.
sleep beckons. i'm sure i'll remember more details tomorrow... before kyle and i leave.
nothing at all exciting to report. i worked with val [yay for working with val!] and kyle stopped in for a bit. i drew an ugly little kyle on his hand and that was about it. come wednesday, we're going down to scsu. oh, and val thinks she has an idea for my costume. that reminds me... she had stickers in her purse. star stickers and playboy bunny stickers. we laughed, thinking of the costume idea that locke and jesse had suggested. on irc, blayne did have an interesting little parody on america's ways...
<phoenix> holy shit!
<phoenix> my pop bottle just... exploded..
<Leechy> what!?
<phoenix> yeah...
<phoenix> that was scary..
<phoenix> i didn't know it was possible
<Leechy> did it actually explode and.... fragment?
<draven> hmm the new age pipe bombs
<phoenix> yeah, it did..
* phoenix nudges the bottle gingerly with a pen...
<Blayne> it's all about shaking up pop cans, then throwing them straight up as hard as ya can..
<Leechy> yikes....
<Leechy> nope... beer cans work a lot better
<draven> or shaking them and exposing the to extreme heat ie a fire
<Blayne> well.. that's dangerous! we need more legislation!
<phoenix> lol
<draven> lol
<Blayne> and we need a fund for victims of pop bottle explosions.
<Blayne> manditory insurance for pop bottle users, too.
<draven> that no one can afford
<Blayne> and (jon will like this:) .. insurance for the insurance.
<Blayne> and pop-bottle-insurance brokers.
<Blayne> and re-writes of insurance fraud laws. .. 'cause they might not fit the new situation perfectly.
<Blayne> we'll question candidates for their stance on the controversial pop-bottle issue.
<Blayne> there will be '60 minutes' shows on the topic.
<Blayne> X-Files episodes with conspiracy theories relating to it.
<Blayne> South Park spoofs of it.
<Blayne> ** and there's plenty of money to be made and jobs to be had, all the way around!! **
i attract fourteen-year-olds. how depressing is that? last night michael told his mom that he wished that he were five years older so that he could ask me out. and i guess josh olson likes me, according to dawn. i'm going to cry now. hopefully this is all just some sort of sick, cosmic joke. i don't know what it is, but for some bizarre reason, locke's little meow is oddly endearing. okay, right, i need to type this up and scurry off to breezy. ryan, the bastard, called and asked me to work, as he and bruce want to go fishing. i wanted to scream at him, explain that i have college, which means i have work to do other than that. they, on the other hand, have nothing to but fish. asinine fool that i am, though, i agreed, as val was working.
kyle and i are [hopefully] going to st. cloud on wednesday. whoo.
dawn, larry, sarah, michael, curt, and i all went to see kill bill tonight. it was even bloodier than may. the movie kicked ass [literally, heh] but was quite gory. that film was yet another mindfuck - not as bad as may in that regard - just portions. it even had anime in it. odd. anyway, i saw travis, along with pat, at the theatre. he looked at me, vaguely confused, and just waved. we didn't talk. i don't think either of us wanted to chat with each other. afterwards, i went over to val and kassy's, where we ate snicker salad and talked. i also showed val how to uninstall files, as well as defrag. i lead quite the exciting life, eh? it was still fun. i love val to death, and kassy is quite cute. but i have class tomorrow so i should probably get some sleep - and think about what, exactly, i told my mom about this weekend. she doesn't know that locke was over those two days, and we're going to keep it that way.
my aunt may be going to prison. not jail - prison. i swear, i am going to kill her ex-husband.
so sue told mom that there was a car over here friday night. now, when mom had called that night, i had denied that anyone was here. damn, this is going to be awkward. "it was just sitting there in the driveway, an old beater. like a buick or something." um... shit. all i can do is hope that sue didn't see anyone. i've got a lie going right now and i'll be damned if i'm going to get caught in it and be screwed over. oh, i'm a great daughter, aren't i? bah.
i've lost even more respect for travis. i guess nicole, that woman he's dating or whatever, has a child. he wants her to give the kid up for adoption. he hasn't actually told me this, but told val. she freaked out on him, bitching at him, asking why would he want some kid to go through what he has? what the hell, travis? honestly, why would you tell a woman to give up her kid? if i was dating someone and they told me to give up my child for adoption - i'd dump them right then and there. the child is much more important. i cannot believe he said that.
<mom> birch bark is one of the
most volatile things to put in a fireplace! it starts fires.
<me> isn't that the purpose of a
fireplace?
so i guess i'm on a quest to find a face-steamer. mom desperately wants one for me and for her. um... okay. so long as that means i don't have to stick my face in the kitchen sink with a red-and-white striped towel over my face ever again. that was humiliating. she wasn't going to back down tonight, either, so i had to do it. we are equally stubborn, but to attempt to keep the peace, i agreed to do it to make her happy.
today is kind of an odd day, as i've spent most of the time in my darkened bedroom with the rope lights on, just thinking. i was thinking about pretty much everything that's going on in my life right now. especially about relationships - friends, family, et al. i don't know if i could actually put into words what i was thinking: most of it was done in emotions and visuals. i'm trying to figure out who, exactly, i am and what i desire from this life. i'm deciding what i want out of my relationships with all those that are in my life, currently. i'm debating what i want to get out of my education. in short, i am reorganizing my life. how does one mesh together opposites in their life? a leather-and-camo-clad phoenix doing yoga? then again, i am a vegetarian and animal rightist and yet i wear leather. hypocrite. or doublethink. no, doublethink doesn't apply here, and... i'm digressing again. i seem to do that quite frequently. i need to rectify certain attitudes with each other...
i woke up this morning with blood on my teeth and lips. now, normally, i'd just shrug and wonder how that happened. today i noticed it and wondered, what the hell did i do last night? after watching may, i was vaguely concerned. which reminds me: i purchased a knife from jim last night. never mind the fact that i'm probably more a danger to myself than to anyone else. hrm, i think i really pissed blayne off with that "quasi-philosopher" comment...
so the cam ran for roughly 25 hours last night. `tis a new pornocam record, i believe.
don't think and drive.
it'll get ya killed.
i was distracted as i was driving home from class today. nearing the stoplights in
nisswa, all of a sudden i noticed that they were red. and there was a car, stopped, directly in front of me. i
could not stop in time, so as i hit the brakes, i swerved into the other lane. there still was not enough time to just
stop, so i ended up running a red light. good thing no one was coming at me, eh? my hands and legs shook the
entire way home.
locke left tonight at like 3:50 am - and arrived at 9:40 pm. i should probably actually not be blogging now, considering i just barely made it up the stairs. i should blog more than a couple obligatory lines, but i simply do not have the energy. we did watch two mindfuck movies while he was over: may and willard. excellent movies, though a cat died in each one. damn those directors! i don't care if the people get chopped up or eaten [well... the blind kids crawling on glass was kinda sad] but don't let the cats die! and... it was fun... and... i'm going to sleep now. perhaps there will be details in the morning. oder etwas.
on a side-note, the webcam has been going for 16 hours and counting today.
i skipped calc this morning, on account of feeling horrible. rather, i got out to bed to feed the zoo animals, then crawled back beneath the covers. a little after 10, josh called, waking me up. he was wondering where i was. at that point, i decided to just stay up. i took a shower, then ran to target, buying a book and a yoga...thing. so anyway, i worked with ryan tonight which wasn't too bad because he was pissed at me the entire night. he was probably pissed because i was pissed - he seems to have a knack for irritating me. we argued on politics... he was angry because he was bored and wanted me to entertain him. i was trying to do homework and read the book i had bought. my job is to do shit around the store, not entertain my coworkers. val came in and, basically, we kicked ryan out for the entire time that she was there. two people came in, bought pull-tabs, and won. one guy tipped me $35 [hell, i'm not sharing with ryan and he doesn't have to know about this]. the other one val sold, and i kept $1, giving her $4. then locke made his appearance. and speaking of locke, he's coming over tomorrow night. don't ask me how that happened. after work locke and i stayed in the parking lot for a while, and larry and sarah were there for a few. i'm sure they were wondering what, exactly, the hell was going on. i was running after locke around my car in vain, trying to get my backpack back. then he got inside my car and was holding onto my keys. i, of course, grabbed for them. larry told me to stop molesting locke. it wasn't that bad... was it? besides the fact that locke bit me a few times? which i'm still wondering about... i'm not used to randomly being bitten [even if i did do that when i was younger]. locke also stopped over for a bit tonight and we chatted... he left a little after 11 o'clock.
why am i coughing so much lately? i hope i'm not still sick.
to all the guys in my life now or in the future, let me offer you a hint: do not tell me that seeing me naked is one of your goals in life. i'm serious; i was just a bit frightened when trent told me that. it was a... interesting night. i did explain to jim, though, why girls argue with guys when complimented. it's basically for two reasons: either the girl does not believe the compliment, or she is fishing for more compliments. trent still tells me that i'm pretty. he does his best to persuade me that it's true, but i don't believe him [and no, i am not fishing for compliments from him either, mmkay].
oops. i accidentally deleted
the last entry last night. that's okay, though - no great loss to humanity, eh?
jesse and i went out to eat today, which was fun. we ate at subway, where the people seemed to have trouble with my order. no matter where i go, it seems, i cause problems. anyway, we chatted about all kinds of random crap, including the halloween party. "phoenix is going to get stoned!" jesse said happily. i had told him i would ponder one of his, uh... brownies. let's just wait and see. i'll probably chicken out later.
i don't know. blayne and locke have got me thinking lately, and i'm disagreeing with them right now, slightly. maybe i just don't understand. they tell me to just have an open mind, yet that's not what they are doing. they're christian bashing. so why is it that i must deny that there is a god to be open-minded? shouldn't it just mean that i'm open to the fact that there may or may not be a god? this is not being open-minded. this is still closed-mindedness, only doing a 180. it sort of reminds me of this node from everything2.
travis is quite the cocky bastard. how dare he think he has me all wrapped up in the palm of his hand. "if i asked phoenix to marry me, she would say yes," he told val the other night. oh, please do, travis. i would love for the chance to show you exactly how wrong you really are. it'll be quite the blow to your ego, believe me. and it would bring me great joy to do so. going on and on to val about what a nice guy you are, what a great kisser you are... oh, and i'm sure it made her day to have you tell her that zippy is a great kisser, too. you just had to share your thoughts on marriage, didn't you? and the whole damn "get a kick-ass living room and fall asleep on the couch and wake up to cartoons" thing, didn't you? you are a sad, pathetic man. you are still my friend, but now i must ask myself what the hell did i ever see in you? i have never met anyone more arrogant than you, travis. well, at least others admit their arrogance. not you, no, you're just one hell of a nice guy. the nicest guy anyone could ever meet. such a nice guy, it doesn't surprise you that i still want you back. get a fucking clue, my friend. i don't care that you went to the movies with some girl. i bet she has great hair [we all know how into hair you are] and will fuck you to your heart's desire, unlike moi. why the hell do you share this with val, anyhow? do you think that she's not going to tell me this? i don't care that you fucking told her not to tell me. she's my friend, she cares about me, and she knows that i need to hear this. so go fuck yourself, travis. and i don't give a shit about you in regards to a relationship other than friendship. so go impress your new girlfriend. let her know what a great guy you are, how everyone loves you, how you're so intelligent. tell her how your female coworkers are jealous because you treat your girlfriends so wonderful. she'll find out the truth soon enough. but at least maybe you'll get some ass before then. and hopefully she won't depress you as much as i did you. i'm so glad you never told me that to my face, either. never told me that when we fucking broke up. i'm oh-so-glad that val knows more about where you and i stand than i fucking do. holy going off on a tangent, phoenix. i digressed, methinks. but yes. to sum it up, travis thinks i'm his little bitch he has off on the side, to use and abuse. oh, how i'd love to clear that up for him.
other than that, today was a good day. calc was canceled yet again. hopefully roger stays gone for another day or so. that would really make my week. anyway, i worked with jim again, which did make my day. it's amazing what jim can get away with me. any other guy that tries the same on me gets whacked or bitched at. for example, ryan took a feather duster to me. i grabbed it and told him to fuck off. jim does likewise, i don't care. ryan smacked me in the ass, i freak out on him. then there's what jim did... which still amazes me that i let him get away with it. he attempted to unhook my bra - through my shirt. jim also picks me up and carries me around, which means he has his hands on my ass. for some reason i tolerate anything from him. he's one of my top two favorite people. i feel like i can tell him anything. we actually stayed after work tonight and discussed the whole guy situation and how that's a stress for me. yay for jim and a few others, death to travis and ryan.
damn. gotta love america. sigh.
i'm glad my parents have such faith
in
me. i begged dad for help with calc and he told me, "you're going to fail calculus, it's all going to be a waste, and
then you won't be able to do computer science." thank you for the confidence. i really needed that right now.
but for now, back to mindless, horrible homework.
She...
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
We...
Wait for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
She...
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
We...
Walking up this time
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
Are you locked up in a world
Thats been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
"she" - green day
"phoenix? are you looking at my ass?"
my car totally died today so i was forced to drive around in the pick-up that's as loud as, um... as loud as [insert a good analogy here]. so locke is still asking me whether or not i am going to join him and blayne. as he put it, " so do you still want to be a sheep or a shepherd?"
holy pinkness, eh? the layout actually reminds me of val and i. i'm into black, she's into pink. so, in a way, this is a sentimental layout. sigh. she can't move to texas... that's only a few months away...
* God laughs at how mindless his sheep are
<Leechy> hehe
<Leechy> i'm not a sheep, God
<God> that is good my son
<God> but phoenix is
<God> she goes baaa baaa all the time
<phoenix> i just can't win..
* Leechy is scared of sheep and the scary noises they make
<phoenix> so i scare kyle?
<Leechy> no, just sheep that make scary noises
<Leechy> the crazy ones
<phoenix> oh. damn.
<Leechy> aka. the cloned ones
<God> hardly anyone fears phoenix
* Leechy is scared of sheep duplicates
<Leechy> are you afraid of sheep duplicates too God, or is it just me
<Leechy> hehe
<God> they can be scary my child
<God> i like to shave them and then eat them
<Leechy> yeah. then they're just tasty
<God> and they cant make the noise
<Leechy> exactly
<God> lambchops taste great
yay. i'm excited: not only is there a link to me on katie's splash page, but also on her links page. a link that reads phoenix - goddess in black leather. ahhh, life is good.
know what song i love? "the scientist" by coldplay:
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
"guys don't go in for anorexic chicks", ryan told me tonight. how many times have guys told me that? i believe them, yet still i believe that i could stand to lose just a bit more. i will always be that way, mehthinks.
ryan pissed me off today, but at least i figured out a way to make him shut up: tell him all about my quasi-social life. the one thing that kept him quiet the longest was when i told him how yesterday travis and i went to target and perused through the lingerie section for a while. i actually just followed travis around there. um, anyway. so ryan really pissed me off tonight. i can't even recall all the reasons why. i do remember, though, that he called me a player. me. i'm not a player! he accused me of dating two people at once [ah, yes, we'll just ignore the fact that i'm not dating anyone right now...] and ... some other things. trent actually called my cell while i was at work and asked how things were going with ryan; if he was behaving himself and not groping me, etc. i flat-out told ryan tonight that he'll have a hard time ever getting a girlfriend. he doesn't know when to stop teasing [he takes things too far and it's no longer cute nor funny, just irritating] and all he ever thinks about is sex. he has no real goals in life - just getting laid. yeah, great, i know i look for that in a man. speaking as a girl, i told him most all girls i know find that [that being talking about sex all the time] a turn-off. i don't think he believed me.
val and i made a st. cloud run after work. never mind the fact that we don't know of any places to go or do anything at in st. cloud at 11:00 p.m. we still had fun driving around and talking. this wasn't stupid little chitchat, either, which was nice. we had long, deep, serious discussions.
i got a thing from aarp. there is something seriously wrong with that. i'm 19, not 50.
quite the night. do you have any idea how hard it is to talk on the phone while being manuvered around from behind, and being spun around? tyler called me, wanting me to come down to andy's house. i declined, and he told me that josh wanted me there. i declined again, informing him that i had plans for the evening. "i'll pay you!" that reminds me. trent pulled out a coupon that read 20% off any service and asked me, "do you take coupons?" i smacked him hard in the chest. i think i hit a good spot, because it actually seemed to hurt. anyway, travis and i eventually left breezy and decided to go into town. along the way, travis asked me if i was dating josh. he also wondered how i felt about locke. the two of us ended up going to see out of time, which, surprisingly, was a good movie. travis paid for the both of us - a shock to me. he hasn't done that since we broke up. he's been pretty strict about making me pay my own way ever since we were no longer dating. i wish i was hungry, as he was willing to pay for dinner, too. holy. at any rate, after the movie, we went back to his house and watched life of brian [holy naked people!] and jerry maguire, which i fell asleep during. i ended up getting home a little before 4 [and left at 7:30. heh.] i need to get some sleep, however, as i work tomorrow.
i attended calc today, skipping lit. i needed to; sleep was much more important than anything else at that time.
So you're the kind that deals with the games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known
damn cheap $4.46 earbuds. maybe it's time to buy some real headphones, eh? i'm trying to blog, chat on irc, and do calculus all at the same time. oh, and argue with my mom about trent and ryan. long story. so what's this i hear about the college holding a gaming class in the summer? that's so cool. i have jim's leather jacket. i have no idea when i'll see him next, either. i felt bad borrowing it, as i don't know what he'll use. but hey, great. the only thing is, i drown in it. kinda, sorta. so anyway, i talked to paula today as she was unsure whether all of us could take the day of the concert off, as it is the opening of deer season or something asinine like that. damn those hunters. well, ryan could possibly work, but he would be hunting. "damnit, maybe if i give into one of his little things..." i muttered to val. at first i didn't realize that paula had overheard. it only hit me when i heard her say, "i hear he's a virgin. be gentle, girls." well, not 10 seconds later ryan walked in. he agreed to work that day for us. then paula mentioned that maybe he should have talked to us first, as we were willing to... i cut her off before she could finish.
"i hate talking! talking just makes things worse." "you're too much like your father."
do the eurythmics have a thing for 1984? their song titles include "julia", "for the love of big brother", "doubleplusgood", and "sexcrime (nineteen eighty-four)".
speaking of 1984, that reminds me. i lent out my copy to locke. somehow i also got conned into reading the first chapter to him. then he fell asleep while i was reading. anyway. today went well. locke and i went for a walk in the park, the one close to the college. for a while we stood on the creepy little dock that floated and bobbed as you walked. er, bobbed as you walked. it was already floating. i need to write more precisely, methinks. i digress as usual, though. after that we went to this new-agey coffee shop / ...something. i got an apple pie chai [right?], which was good. we stayed there for a while and chatted. we ended up going to see once upon a time in mexico. we had a hell of a time trying to get money, though. couldn't at the gas station or atm, as locke didn't know his pin. so we drove to the bank, where the woman forgot to give him the money for a few minutes, until he reminded her. and... my mind is shot. locke dropped me off at my car and then blocked me in. he nudged my car a few times with his, and blocked me in. and.. yeah. i don't know. it was fun. right. perhaps another blog later. i feel sick and like i'm about to pass out.
what's up with kyle, as of late? he's been agreeing with blayne on everything. that's not the kyle i know... is it?
i seriously need to do my calc now. damnit, i can't wait until classes are done with.
woe is phoenix and her cold. maybe i need to cut out the caffeine and drink some orange juice, eh?