i need to decide what i want from life now.  i really can't afford to wait much longer.  a mopey 20-year-old is of no use to anyone, especially herself.  what do i want from life?  essentially - what do i enjoy?  i want to love and be loved; working with animals; and poetry.  am i going into an animal or literature related field?  no.  honestly, i'm scared of ever saying i don't want this for fear i'd be seen as lazy and anti-intellectual.  it's not that i'm stupid - i do think i'm fairly intelligent, but i despise school.  learning, however, is different.  if i could support myself on my poetry (psht, never going to happen) or by working with animals (like, say, an animal shelter) that would be wonderful.  since i was 10 i've wanted to work in an animal shelter.  and i've been writing free verse since third or fourth grade.

i think i went somewhere around 6-7 weeks without cutting.  i'm rather proud of myself for lasting so long.

i am going to go make pasta now, and soak in the tub.

pequot was good.  arrived around two in the morning, watched some penn and teller:  bullshit and saved! then curled up next to him and fell asleep.  i wanted to just sleep for so long today, but we had to get up; places to go.  yay for false positives.  anyway.  out to eat at green mill, then i had to take off back home.  it rained so incredibly hard all the way back here.

i'm going to sound like a bit of a bitch here.  today i just realized how often i hear terms like "person of color" "handicapable" and so on.  wtf?  does this mean that i am no longer white, but rather, "person of non-color"?  am i "mentally different"?  honestly, political correctness bothers me.  i have nothing against people that are "handicapable" or "of color" but honestly, the terms bother me.  it just sounds so... stupid.

anyway.  do a search for when the word "laugh" appears in the bible.  god only laughs at one thing - destruction and death.  the murder of non-believers amuses thy lord.  one christian website also claims that it is perhaps a good thing not to really have a sense of humour.  they say sadness and sobriety in spirit does indeed make the countenance better. and backs it up with scripture:

• Ecclesiastes 2:2 I said of laughter, It is mad: and of mirth, What doeth it?
• James 4:9 Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness.
• Ecclesiastes 7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

god, am i ever pathetic.  i'm on the verge of tears, due to just a few stupid things.  the fact that he isn't coming up tonight makes me a bit sad, as i feel like i rarely get to see him.  that, and i'm a bit worried, just hoping that he was all right, and that his car is okay, too.  i'm sick of drunk people.  drunk people last night, drunk people tonight.  i like this place, i really do.  it's just that i don't know so much about the drunks.  i'm trying hard to just shrug it off, as i have a feeling this is going to happen a lot.  ... and, turns out, i am going up to pequot.  so, i get to see him anyway.  gas is fucking expensive - $1.99/gallon.

so the charter guy came today.  internet?  3mb, woohoo.  that kicks ass.  it took him and i both to get it up and running, though.  and i went out and bought a router so i got that working.  next, get linux up on the network.  so, i'm happy.  sixty bucks a month for internet, and cable (73 channels - i may not watch it, but hey.  nice to have.)  oh, and my parents had a bed delivered here, so i have a brand new bed.  it came while the charter guy was here.  last night i slept on the floor.  i really need to organize my room.  oh, clarissa and i made some... interesting... artwork.  a window with stained glass, painted red, with bits of stained glass on the edges.  yeah.  we also made tables out of windows and cinder blocks.

last week i ran into marsha, ate lunch with her and her boyfriend.  i haven't talked to marsha in almost two years.

clarissa said if i'd dye my hair blond and put some eyeshadow on, i'd get a guy just like that.  uh, no thanks.  i don't need that.  nor do i want blond hair.

moving today and tomorrow; draven, if you come up, please give me a call beforehand, as i may not be in the dorm.

new blog as soon as possible.

i move out in a few days; i sign the lease tomorrow, start hauling tomorrow.  i have to remember to call about cable and dsl...  turns out it may just be angie, clarissa, and i in a 4-bedroom apartment.  yay.

god, i need to study for a test tomorrow.

last night was fun.  josh was still working when i met up with kyle.  after killing time for a bit, the two of us decided to go out and grab something to eat.  once we got to perkins, kyle called josh, informing him that he was with a girl.  we hoped josh would get exited, thinking kyle had a date or whatnot...  eh...  never mind.  it doesn't make sense unless you sort of know them.  anyway.  josh finally showed up at perkins, bitching about his sore arms.  we ate, and somehow poor kyle ended up footing the bill.  i guess those two are also moving into an apartment by jake and lisa...  well, that should be interesting.  eventually we got back to josh's dad's, where i took some horrible photos of them.  i watched them play zombies at my neighbors, a nintendo game that looks pretty damn old.  god, i'm tired, and my mind is shot.  we drank a bit, and at one point we decided to go for a walk, josh bringing along a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne.  as we walked, he popped it, fake champagne flying everywhere, and making him reek.  as we walked, i kept running into josh - though, that's more or less normal for me, i guess.

my parents now own an organ - free, from the church.

i do need to work on shit, do better.  and i really have to concentrate and go to class.  after a talk with dad, mom agreed to stop sending me all that religious babble.  hopefully she'll stick with it; not expecting her to, but it would be really nice.  and i told dad to stop calling me, as it makes me physically ill.  they are not going to call, now.

come next september 26, the rapure cometh.  apparantly.

imagine trying to argue with someone that says any decision that is not based in the bible is arbritary, accuses everyone of commiting random fallacies, and deems you, and many other people, "inferior, violated, blemished, and substandard."  i think i'm going to give up.

my problem is that my depression is comfortable.  i'm used to it, it's too comfortable.  i'm half-scared to break out of it.  i'm not used to anything else.  but - i have to.

the letter i wrote a few days ago can be found here.  a transcipt of it is below.

i scream.  you may not always hear me, but i do.  i scream, wishing i were dead.  i scream, wishing i were more alive.  i am sick of being apathetic, the apathetic suicidal upper middle-class white bitch.  i try to garner your attention, only to push you away.  life isn't so bad, i hate myself all the more for wanting to die because i know life could be a lot worse.  i don't know who i'm writing to, or why i even bother.  i mean, it's not like this is a suicide note.  if it was, i'd make a mention who gets a go at my worthless belongings.  only 2 people.  what do you do, when you know you need to change yet you can't seem to do it at all?  i don't deserve what i have.  i don't know how to fix what i break, i just want to run away; please god let me run away.  why can't i be more elequent?  ah, it doesn't matter, i guess.  who'm i trying to impress?  myself?  i am a blip in the universe.  i am wholly insignificant.  but - to some - i am more.  and that never ceases to amaze me.  to those people, i love you even when it may not seem like it.  i'm a bitch, i don't show it, i don't tell you often enough.  i love you, draven, val.  i am coming to a wall.  a metamorphosis, a rise from the ashes will soon be near.  i can feel it.  maybe then i can be me, only without the pain.

~Phoenix

couple new photos up for you to gawk at.

judging by this test, i'm politically around gandhi, mandela, and the dalai lama.  essentially the opposite of bush.

so is he excommunicated or not?

did you know if you google depressing self injury quotes my site is the third that pops up?

"The very fact of our human nature brings damnation to us. According to the Bible, we are sinners as soon as the sperm meets the egg, and born worthy of torment!"

i'm so lonely.  i'm sick of being stuck here, i need out of here.  i talked to val for about an hour tonight, which only reinforced my feelings about this place.  fuck it, maybe i'll just go to bed.  nothing else to do, no one to talk to.

i'm losing my health insurance.  i don't even care.

october 17.  hrm...

my stomach hurts.  i feel the need to be creative, but i have no idea what to do.  i wrote a letter last night, a letter to no one in particular, but still.  if i can get my scanner to work, i'll scan it, let you read it.  god, i feel sick.  like i'm going to pass out.  anyway.  turns out dad is allergic to bella meow.  they're not going to get rid of her, though.  all hell would break loose if they tried, believe me.  i have to go to class tomorrow, i have to.  i don't want to, but that is beside the point.

would anyone define this as artistic nude?  ignore the weight.  look at the image.  i just don't get it; it screams "narcisstic naked webcam photos!" to me.  personally, i find this, and this, to be much more artistic.  even ignoring the fact that i find those people to be more attractive than the first.  ...hey, i think i have the same skirt.

anyway.  in a bad mood, so i'll shut up.

i'm updating from my parent's house.  what fun.  just as i suspected, dad didn't know much about the curse, or what mom was writing to me.  he's going to talk to her.  i tried to access my gmail from here - the browser is too old.  how sad.  i didn't do anything today; well, nothing worth mentioning, anyhow.  some bad news, though:  know how i was planning on dropping my cs class?  apparantly i lose all my insurance by doing so (as then i'm not a full time student.)  so, that whole situation culminated in me, off in my room, crying.  oh, i drove home last night, getting here around 11 pm.  driving here was fine, except for one incident a bit past walker.  all of a sudden, i just freaked.  i started to hyperventilate, wanted to cover my eyes and cry.  my entire life is resting inside a rolling, metal bubble.  yes, that's exactly what i thought and it scared me.  i wanted nothing more than to lay my face in my hands.  i knew i could not, however, as i would either crash into the car in front of me or into the lake on either side.  i was not particuarly suicidal.  wow, this keyboard is loud.  i'm trying hard not to wake anyone up.  and i'm trying hard not to be so depressed, et al.  i'm trying so hard to be normal.

I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

right; all's good.  emotional rollercoaster these past two days, as draven came late last night.  and my wrists hurt from the handcuffs (no, nothing kinky...).  ow.  i feel physically ill, but meh.  and i am so craving meat, which sucks.  i don't want to eat it!  i've been craving protein so bad lately.

you are free, contrary to what Fr. George told me, the Lord told me the curse and bondages have been lifted. I received three signs of confirmation.

anyway, like i said, draven was up here.  rawr.  we ended up getting in some fights, i felt like i was being accused of making certain things up just to get attention...  blah blah blah.  then came the almond incident.  i'm not sure how much into detail i really want to get into this.  let's just say shoving an almond up his dick is fair revenge for what i had to go through.  and eating it.  erm, next topic.  he shoved a tampon up his ass.  i'm not sure why i feel the urge to tell the world, but it made me laugh so incredibly hard, so there we go.  we had an interesting talk over breakfast/dinner (well, it was the first meal of the day at 5 pm), so that was good.  better than the discussion we had about taking psalm books from the chapel.  which were returned, so that made me happy.

i don't want to go home, but i don't want to stay here.

i just sneezed 7 times in a row.

i think... i may get the streaks in my hair in the next week or so.  i can't wait for that.

must have protein... but the only stuff i have is almonds.  hell if i'm eating them anytime soon.

first successful malaria vaccine reported
election issues in brief
epilepsy drug lowers baby iqs
treasury skirts $7.4 trillion debt limit
bovine genome
halo 2 leaked
is homosexuality inhereited?
mobile phone 'ear tumours risk'

besides being a shithead, i have lots of of endearing qualities.  like, being a bitch, and being high and mighty, and lacking the milk of human kindness.  this is a thread on the author of the book, katie.com.  essentially - stupid-ass girl gives out phone number, age, home address, etc. to random stranger.  she gets raped.  i lack pity (i don't pity idiots) and i got totally jumped on.  feel free to read it all, or scan for my parts, if you're lazy.  i find it rather entertaining.  yeah, it's sad she got raped.  but, honestly, how stupid can you be?

always an adventure on the da forums.  ha, i said megadeth sucks, and i got this reply:  You listen to rap dont you? You shithead. If you can think of a band that you listen to thats more talented than Megadeth or Metallica Id like to hear it.  because we all know that metallica and megadeth are vastly more talented than anyone else out there.  like, mozart, or yo yo ma, or bach, or...  all right, i'm stuck in classical.  but i'm sure there are many more talented ones in jazz and rock.  ones more talented than metallica and megadeth.  and you gotta love those people that speak of kissing their boyfriend - "cyberkiss"  no actual physical kiss.

conflicting data.  yay.  a yes and a no.
none of you have any idea what i'm talking about, but that's a good thing.

i think i lost weight again.  i just discovered that i can remove my pants without unbuttoning/unizipping them.

so, how does dad know my schedule better than me?  he asked if i was coming home friday, which, apparantly, i have off.  he knew this, i didn't.  hrm.

the correlation between christianity and the stockholm syndrome.  interesting.

i want to leave this town, this country.  but you know i never will, because i don't want to take off to another country without him.

what the hell?  for a few minutes, i had a song by dana in my head.  dana is a christian artist - someone my mom listens to, though i haven't heard her for at least three years.  how bizarre.  i bought an earcuff for $3.99.  technically, it's a lovebird, but i tell myself it's a phoenix; it's... close enough.

i still want to move to canada.  seriously.  we should move.

god, i felt so sick earlier today.  i wanted to curl up in the fetal position and die.  it was like cramps, sort of.  a mix between stomachache and cramps.

god, i'm frustrated.  at everything, really.  and i'm trying not to break down and cry, and i'm wondering if i should open the mail from mom, and...  i don't know.  ...  opened the mail, ripped it up.  fuck it.  fuck it all.

i fucking hate everything.

trying to calm down, i took a few tests from the bbc...

Your score puts you in the highest category of social reasoning. You will see ethical and moral values as important to the needs of society and will appeal to basic rights or values. You might say "Honesty is a standard which everyone should accept" or "Life is sacred." Conformity to ethical norms is important to you, in terms of a responsibility, obligation or commitment for all individuals, although you may be willing to consider exceptions in some particular circumstances. You are likely to suggest that with entitlement or privilege comes responsibility. You will appeal to considerations of responsible character or integrity in others, preferring a consistent or standard practice of behaviour in order to avoid damage to social institutions such as the legal system. However, you will want to see an adjusted case-by-case application of standards for the sake of fairness to all people. Lastly, you are very likely to appeal to standards of individual or personal conscience, as well as of honour, dignity or integrity.
and
You are an Existential Thinker
Existential thinkers:
* Like to spend time thinking about philosophical issues such as "What is the meaning of life?"
* Try to see beyond the 'here and now', and understand deeper meanings
* consider moral and ethical implications of problems as well as practical solutions

Other Existential Thinkers include The Buddha, Gandhi, Plato, Socrates, Martin Luther King
Careers which suit Existential Thinkers include Philosopher, Religious leader, Head of state, Artist, Writer

Today I was driving through pequot and I saw a funny looking man driving a pontiac vibe shaking his hands crazily and jumping in his seat. YES, jumping in his seat.
sounds like she ran into travis.  in fact, i can almost guarentee that it was him.

so.  somehow both draven and i slept through two loud alarms that were supposed to wake us up in time to get to class.  oops.  i feel a bit bad about that, thinking that if i hadn't slept over, he wouldn't have been so tired, and so would have woken up.

but anyway.  sunday was a good day.  i went over there, we hung out, ate, watched donnie darko, which i have never seen.  then, at the end of the night, after cheesecake from applebees (yummmmm) i was going to head back home.  yeah, that didn't happen.  phone call from mom, nothing bad, according to draven who listened to the message.  but - that was enough to set me off and my depression kicked in hardcore.  i was trying so hard not to cry.  of course, later when he and i got into a stupid arguement, then the tears really did kick in and i couldn't hold them back, though i didn't sob - silent.

the more i read, the more i want to live in canada.

wow.  a certain christian forum has rewritten their code so that if you are coming from exchristian.net, you will be rerouted to yahoo.  they hate us that much, now.  i like to think that they feel threatened by us; i mean, even when we're nice, if we disagree at all there - we get banned.  anything other than a literal intrepreation on the bible is wrong, so questioning is ban-worthy.  calling the president "dubya" is also going to get you banned.

there was a discussion about abortion going on in a forum, and the subject of partial-birth was breached.  here's what we learned:

I did a little more research, and the latest statistics according to the AMA seem to be that intact dilatation and extraction comprise about .17% of all abortions.

That's a decimel point before the 1.

By the way, if you google "partial birth abortion" you get religious sites and congressional debate transcripts, because the term was coined by those supporting the ban on the procedure. The medical description is as above.

my stomach hurts so bad.  and i am uber, uber thirsty.  i think i've refilled the water bottle about 3 times in the past couple hours.  add to that two bottles of bawls, too.  anyway.  it's been quite interesting, the past day or so.

yesterday morning i grabbed the tickets, the letters from my parents, and a few other things, and headed out the door.  it feels quite weird for me to be walking around in a skirt...  anyway.  trying to get to town to meet draven was hell.  i got stuck behind the old, slow, handicapped people that refuse to speed up past 40.  and i couldn't pass them because of people in the other lane.  then one asshole i passed apparantly got pissed and rode my ass for 50 miles.  this guy was in a towering suv, so it made me more than a bit nervous when he came this close to hitting my car; he had to swerve to the side to avoid it, and he still came within an inch or so of smashing me.  i was screaming expletives the entire time i was driving.  and, of course, i am even more hostile than normal because i have my period.  so, anyway, we finally meet up, me so tired after my drive, plus having had only two hours of sleep the night before.  so we go back to his place for a bit, then take off for a nice long drive to the cities.  the only thing i remember from the drive is reading a card that mom sent me, something about jesus.  he thirsts for me.  he thirsts for me a lot.  seriously.  "i thirst for you" was repeated about 20 times.  jesus thirsts for you and me, goddamnit!

so.  problems hit once we get around the vicinity of the cities.  travis called and draven greeted him up, "what the fuck do you want?"  it went downhill from there.  luckily the conversation lasted only 30 seconds or so.  driving in the cities = pain.  it stresses me out, even when i'm not the one driving.  i can only imagine how draven was doing.  we also had problems finding our way to his friend's house, so we had to call.  and, apparantly, he lives in a red house.  which is, actually, cream-ish.  never mind.  it was vaguely humourous at the time.

so, i got to meet two of his friends, josh and buck, who are... quite interesting.  josh also looked familar for some reason.  i also met buck's friend, emily, who seemed nice.  after hanging out for a bit, we decided to finally head out to the concert, an hour after the doors opened.  so, five of us struggle to fit inside the little ... geo storm, i believe it was.  so, josh is driving, emily is navigator, and i'm in the middle, crushed between draven and buck.  ("you need to move over" "i can't!  my butt's too big.")  buck is occasionally grabbing at his dick, wailing how bad he has to take a piss.  this didn't bother me; i found it rather funny.  the gas tank was e, so a trip to the gas station was in order.  did we put gas in the car?  no.  it was pre-pay and josh either hated the idea or couldn't figure it out, so he refused to do that, so no gas for us.  so we're off, and buck is begging to be let out of the car so he can go pee.  josh ignores him, more focused on, what it seems, trying to kill us.  there was a car in front of us that stopped suddenly.  josh's tires squealed as he tried to stop so quickly; i'm not sure if he bumped the car or not.  of course, it didn't help that draven was having fun taking a lighter to josh's shirt.

so, by the time we drop off emily, it's been about 45 minutes.  add to that 15 more minutes driving around, buck navigating, driving josh crazy because he'll say to turn left once josh was in the lane to go straight or whatnot.  so, we're trying to figure out how to get to the quest, and we turn onto what we thought was a road.  it was tracks, or something.  definetely not a road, though.  buck yelled out the window, "it's okay!  we're from a small town!  it's okay.  also, he doesn't have a driver's license!"  the complete strangers he was yelling to, i'm sure, were somewhat confused and amused.

but yeah, we make it to the quest... holy sea of black!  honestly, that was like the only color people were wearing.  though, i did expect that.  and, what was i wearing...?  hrm, black.  so we go, not too bad.  we had missed the first band, but ah well.  shortly after we got in, thrill kill kult started playing.  they were good, not great, but good.  then ministry took the stage.  that was quite fun, ignoring all the times i got smashed, stepped on, or otherwise shoved around.  no, it really was good.  even if there was a dumbfuck who grabbed my ass.  he didn't do it after i cocked a fist in his face, though.  i'm surprised; i knew i wouldn't punch him, couldn't punch him, but still.  it stopped him.  ministry opened up with someone with a suit and tie on, and a dubya mask.  then, one or two (i forget) band members proceeded to beat him.  er, yeah.

at the end, though, claustrophobia kicked in and i was starting to hyperventilate.  of course, i survived, and the fresh air, finally, helped.  when draven and i found buck and josh, they were talking to dan bye and a few other pequot people.  one of the girls recognized me, though i didn't know her.  (also - back at josh's, a girl recognized me from nfk and i didn't know her.)  while we were standing there a guy came through, jingling a cup full of change.  when asked, he honestly stated that he would use the money for beer.  so, he got money in exchange for his honesty.  buck offered to buy him beer if he'd hang out with him, but the guy declined.  the walk back to the car was fairly uneventful.  the drive back, though, was somewhat like the drive there.  we cut in front of a... i believe it was a semi, which caused me to shriek, "oh, god!" as the driver leaned on the horn and barely managed to not hit us.

an hour later, draven and i decided to take off.  by the time we hit st. cloud, we were both extremely tired and also hungry.  thank god for restaurants open 24 hours.  we swung in to perkins and ordered food.  i think this is the first time that i've eaten more than him - while he ate half his meal, i ate all of mine plus dessert.  during the meal, he read a letter that mom sent me.  honestly, i don't recall any of it.  something about satan.  and praying.

somehow, we made it to his house, where i took off my boots and slowly, trying to be silent, walked down into his room.  ah, it's so nice just laying next to him.  i was trying to be silent, which was hard, because he kept making me laugh.  we didn't really have a conversation - just random things.  like,

<him> [fake snoring]
<me> you sound like a sheep dying of a disease.  like, stds.
<him> how does a sheep get stds?
<me> farmers?
<him> [laugh] you have changed so much since i met you.

i hate shaving.  i have insanely sensitive skin, and even with the "sensitive skin" aloe shaving gel (then lotion afterwards) my legs still get irritated, and wind up with those irritating little bumps.

sex and god.  what's more fun to argue than that?

i want this and this.
and... this.  :(  ...bitch...

2, the ranting gryphon.  oh my fucking god, go check this site out now.  i was laughing so hard at his rants...  over background techno, he rants, barely taking a breath between sentences.  his subjects range from yiffing to gay marriage to vegetarians to babies.  go.  listen.  now!

sweet.  my cousin got mentioned in wil wheaton's blog.  [a well-known in the blogging circle.]  i'm easily impressed.

i'm bloating and have cramps.  being a girl sucks.

Even homosexuals can get married in homosexual churchs with homosexual priests.  i am quite tempted to just quit arguing with people.  no more arguments about premarital sex with confused [conservative?] christians any longer.

the guy in the dorm next to me is playing "she will be loved."  maroon 5.  i like that song, as of late.  used to hate it for some reason.  i'm like that with a few things, though, it seems, doesn't it?

know what sucks?  concert tomorrow - drive there, attend concert, drive back.  bloody fucking hell, i'm going to be so incredibly tired.  and i don't have class until 2pm on friday.  argh.

my host has two different programs that provide stats.  trying to fall asleep, i decided to go through them.  you, my lovely readers, are quite odd.  here are the searches that people have found my site though, some of them rather insulting:

• fugly
  
• bawls
  
• aarp
  
• towlie
  
• hilary clinton phoenix pin
  
• guitar cords for the song how's it going to be from third eye b
  
• lyrics to lovepassionfuryenergy
  
• phoenixtx lyrics
  
• anorexia
  
• primates
  
• polygamy
  
• depressing
  
• self injury
  
• phoenix
  
• phoenixtx
  

great.  i can't sleep now.  i'm trying to, but to no avail.  and my stomach is growling.  sigh.  i do wish draven was here; i'm rather lonely.  i wish i could just curl up next to him and fall asleep.  the world seems so much better during those moments.  at those times - life is good, and actually worth living.  sometimes i'm girlier than i think, as evidenced by this thought:  hrm, what should i wear to the concert thursday?

writing does jackshit for me now.  it's not a release.  poetry?  tsch.  i can't write, i can't, not anymore.  the words elude me.  i want to take the knife to my arms, i do, but i can't.  i know if i do - that's it.  no little cuts on the upper arm, no, these would be straight down the vein.  so i can't cut.  even if my body is screaming for it.  and i'm really fucking aggressive right now.  i want to fucking beat the shit out of someone.  yeah, that's good, isn't it?  i'm hungry.  i have no food except for some cereal.  i don't want to drive and go grab something; i'm scared i'd fall asleep at the wheel.  why am i so tired all the time?  i can barely stay awake and yet, all i do is sleep.  i can't do this i can't i can't i can't.  i just want to be happy and normal and thats never going to happen is it.  and some of you - some of you can just go fuck yourselves.  my typing ability is disintegrating isnt it.  i cant help it its like fucking 1984 how winston drops all rules of grammar et al the more he writes.  hard to explain, if you've read it you know what im talking about.  i cant fucking take this anymore i swear i'm going crazy i don't know what to do.  i break out into tears and random intervals.  perfectly fine one moment the next im sobbing like my best friend just got killed right in front of me.  god im fucking angry and everything sets me off.  i shouldnt look at forums in this mood.  no dont have sex if youre not married, if he really loves he'll wait until you two get married.  oh go fuck yourself.  the person asked a comment about birth control, not your opinion on fucking sex you asshole.  no, atheists arent american, and neither are muslims.  muslims are a death cult!  when will people fucking learn?  i hate idiots.  dont state opinions as fact.  i'm fucking crazy.  and hungry.  what do i do about class i know i have to go but i just can't make myself no matter how hard i try.  i am useless and will end up no better than most of the girls i graduated with - married and popping out babies.  a boring housewife.  ...god im hungry.

today has been... grey.  it's the only way i know how to describe it.  last night i had a difficult time falling asleep - i cried for a while.  i set my alarm to make sure that i would go to class.  yeah, that went well.  apparantly it went off, i turned it off, then fall back asleep.  i don't remember that, though.  so i slept through two classes.  i decided i was going to go to my other one, however.  well, about an hour later, i felt sick, so i decided i would just lie down for a bit.  i fell asleep.  woke up a few hours after the class was already over.  my stomach hurts.  i have no desire or motivation to do anything today; not even blog (gasp!).  i did, however, pick up my mail and make a short run to luekens for food.  $800+ from the college - going to the bank tomorrow.  once the money is deposited, then i may tell my parents i'm moving out.  looks like we'll move around the 23 or 24 of this month.  oh, and i also recieved some mail from my parents, but i'm hesitant about opening it - the last thing i need is a breakdown from something or other.

i'm so pathetic.  for about half of today, when i was actually awake, i was crying.  not hard, just the little sniffle thing with tears sliding down cheeks.

i'm thinking i may drop my cs class.  there has been a programming assignment every week; what are the chances i can just easily make those up without me stressing myself out alot?  my parents would be so pissed, though.  but - i do need to do what is best for me, even if i don't know what that is at the moment.  something to think about, anyway, for me.  sometimes i wonder if i am even intelligent enough for college.  actually - i probably am.  it's the depression, though, and that kills everything so going to class or studying is 10 times harder...  blah.  i just can't seem to break out of this.  i can only last a few days at a time.

argh, my skin is insanely dry.

i'm a left-wing communist.  what are you?

bah.  i'm still in a foul mood.  i really, truly, want to move the fuck away from here.  and you come with?  move somewhere far away from here?

i am addicted to "american idiot" by green day.  also listening to "judith" - apc.  i'm in my "fuck your god" mood.

the bitch burned my birthday present.  that topped my weekend off; i ended up bawling instantly and cried all the way back to my dorm - all one hour, 30 minutes.  wonderful.  she opens my mail, then proceeds to burn what is inside it.  i fucking hate her.  i have so few tangible things from him.  i was really looking forward to that print, too.  i hope the wench is happy, now.  fucking opening my mail and destroying my birthday present.  a present i was looking forward to from someone i love.  that's great.  i really wanted that print, but, well, fuck you, phoenix!

i am so goddamn fucking sick of religion.  i know there are religous people that live normal lives out there - why couldn't i have been born to them, rather than to a family that doesn't care for the real me?  i hate religion and the perversity it brings.  fuck your god.

i sat staring at my arm for a while, wondering when and how this all started.  it started in 10^th grade, i remember, with just scratching and gouging my arms with my fingernails.  and has progressed to... this.

i hate religion.  i despise it.  it has fucked up so much in my life.  it's not a goddamn curse, guru, it's called "genetics."  and it sure as hell would have been nice to know a relative committed suicide.  that probably would have been a good thing to tell the doctors.  that, and how many relatives suffer from suicidal desires.  but no.  that's shameful, and so we'll only tell the priest that.  besides, it's only due to the curse.  oh, no!  how horrible!  there's (gasp!) homosexuals in the family tree, too!  i never knew that.  never knew that or the abortions or any other dirty family secrets.  i was never the daughter you wanted.  i have been told time and time again i am the reason you hurt.  and you wonder why i cry.  i am not accepted.  when i go home, i must censor myself or pay for it harshly.

i find myself falling.  i never really drank because alchoholism runs rampant in my family, and i have an addictive/obsessive personality.  i never thought it wise to really start drinking.  now, fuck, if it will calm the pain - give me a fucking drink.  give me fucking drugs for all i care.  how do you soothe the pain of knowing that you will never be loved for who you are, by the few that are supposed to love unconditionally?  in their eyes, i am a fat rebellious child, under the influence of satan.  i am now even down to the weight range mom wants and i am still fat.  i am 114.  i still look in the mirror, pinch my fat, and cry.  i despise who i am.  sometimes - sometimes - i do feel loved and accepted.  but never by them.  rather, by the one person they never wish for me to have any contact with.

>>You only want to believe your own truth, Patty. You don't want to know THE TRUTH. And you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to desperately cling on to the lies. Are they making your life any better? Are you happier hating gays and hating people who take drugs and hating people who have sex out of marriage etc? Does it somehow make you happy to hate? Does projecting that hate onto other people allow you to stay away from confronting your own feelings about yourself?

i love my cousin.

well, that was... somewhat surreal.  i thought it would be another day of sitting there eating by myself.  no, by the end of my meal, i was sitting with 11 black guys, all dressed ghetto, discussing economics.  damn.

god, i don't want to do anything; i'm so lazy.

oh, nope, i got the quote wrong.   here's what what was really said (him mocking him, in a 'female' voice:  "my last boyfriend jerked off a lot because i sucked in bed!"

don't know if i made mention of this site before.  a few memorable quotes from the "evolution" comic:

• "don't you know that evolution is basically a racist concept?  some evolutionists still teach that white people evolved from negroes who evolved from apes - meaning white people are more evolved!"
• "what they don't realize is that they are letting their own religious belief of atheism override their examination of the facts."