I think I lost my smile
I think you lost yours too
We have lost the power to make each other laugh

i can't sleep.  i've journaled, blogged, and finished my paper.  i feel like shit.  damn tears.

forgive me, i don't set out to cause hurt and pain.  but i do think this time it is not wholly my fault.  i am deeply wounded by what has happened today.  we did not part on even ground and i'm sorry about that, i know how hard we try not to end it on that note.  i don't enjoy seeing you hurt and neither do i enjoy feeling like this.

i don't know what went wrong today.  maybe it was something i said originally, maybe it was you.  in the end, it doesn't really matter, i guess.  mass went surprisingly well, i was proud of you.  i even bit my lip trying not to laugh at your "jesus is tasteless" comment.  you did quite well at mass... except when you stole the hymnals.  but i was kind of expecting that, anyway.  it was fine.  i can understand your need to vent and rant after you got out of the church.  i can't remember what we did after that.  oh, wait, yeah.  that's when we learned how easy i freak out when i think i hear my parents coming home.  you must admit, honey, now it's funny, even though my hands were shaking at the time.  hell, i even got my socks on in those 15 seconds or so.  oh, but i just noticed that the wine is still in my room.  i haven't had a chance to dump it, yet.  maybe i'll just down what's left tonight, even though it will be disgustingly warm.  getting back on topic, though...  please tell me, what was up with the dumbass comment?  all right, i will grant you the fact that you never explicitly said that "phoenix is a dumbass."  still, i don't think you would have ever let that slip that many times if somehow you didn't mean it.  maybe i'm wrong.  if i am, i'm sorry for an acusation.  but please, explain to me what you were thinking when you said that.  you said you would never date a dumbass.  but that doesn't mean that you don't sometimes think that of me.  i am sorry, however, for the dumbass comment that i made.  yes, i said it to tell you why i was hurt, but i also said it that way so that you would know how i felt when you said it.  that was stupid of me.  somedays, like today, i feel that you don't trust me.  it seems that you think i would happily go screw jim if given half the chance.  that's not true.  i am dating you.  i am happy dating you.  i can understand your view on jim, but please know that i am not going to do anything with him.  please realize that.  and then tonight, your comment about travis.  i told you i don't want you to be like travis, that i never want to date travis again.  you seem so unsure about that.  i guess i just don't understand why you would even be vaguely concerned about travis, who is nothing but a selfish, disgusting prick that i sometimes regret ever dating.  look.  i care about you.  i want to date you.  i don't want to date travis.  i don't want to date jim.  when i said you were hostile, though, i did mean that.  you seemed pissed at me, you seemed like you were out to hurt me somehow, and i could not figure out why, or what exactly i had done to put you in a mood like that.  i was hurt and confused.  i am sorry about val.  that is a give and take situation, however.  she is my best friend.  all i am asking is that you be civil towards her, and that you do not insult her in my presence.  i do see your point about me getting all the phone calls.  i can totally understand that, and how it would piss you off greatly.  i told val how you felt about me recieving calls all the time.  and we will have a nice, quiet day together with no phone calls from my mom or val.  that's my promise to you.  and honey, you're not the third wheel, and i'm sorry if you ever feel like that.  i don't want you to think like that.  when val comes up to visit my room, i ask her how her day is going, and what's up with josh.  you are playing mario.  you get frustrated with me when i talk to you while you are playing.  i'm sorry about us still parting not on the best of terms.  i asked kyle whether or not i should call you, or just let me be.  he told me to call you.  i'm sorry i didn't.  but it is two in the morning, and i don't want you even more pissed at me than already.

so locke and i went to go see gothika tonight, which unfortunatly was not worth the $6.50 we shelled out, each.  the movie was uber-predictable.  "that was my daughter - she has been dead for four years!"  well, duh.  i'm sure almost everyone expected that.  teenage girl, in the rain, at night, almost hit by a car.  it follows the classic ghost story plotline.  anyway.  all the other big 'shocks' in the movie were quite predictable, sadly enough.  it looked good in the previews, but then - most movies do.  but enough about that.  locke and i went back to his house.  there we watched frailty.  the creepy thing about that movie was that half the stuff one of the characters in the movie said [the crazy, christian guy that killed people] was stuff that mom says quite frequently.  oh, and before that, we watched the broken video yet again.  this time it was much worse due to the fact that locke added his own commentary.  he really fucked with my mind.  speaking of fucks, val told me about travis tonight.  seems that her cousin kassie went over to his house the other night to see ryan, shawn, and scott.  i guess he kissed her and sang a savage garden song to her.  she was going to leave at two, but somehow he kept her there `til three.  whether he locked her in, i don't yet know.  based on past experiences, i wouldn't rule that out.  but honestly, he kissed her?  they're not dating - and it took him like 6 damn weeks to kiss me when we were going out.  but, um, yeah...

i am a complete and utter idiot that should not be allowed to own a computer.  i cannot change the resolution on mandrake 9.2.  i have seldom felt more stupid than right now.  help.

i have spent the last few hours battling mandrake 9.2, as everytime it installs, it ends up with an error message stating that the bootloader fails.  um, happy turkey day.  i spent a grand total of 1 hour 45 minutes with my relatives and even that was too much.  i had gone over to my grandparents [mom's side of the family] and that was just awkward.  it's sad that i feel out of place among family members.  i did meet mark's new girlfriend, though:  i guess one of her daughters graduated with locke.  much to mom's dismay, all the people there liked my hair short.  dinner was fairly uneventful, except for the part where travis called.  nothing like ex-boyfriends calling you up in the middle of a thanksgiving dinner.  we talked for a few minutes, then i finally told him i had to get off the phone.  he asked me how classes were going, how locke and i were doing together, etc.  he laughed at my "leather fetish" [due to the fact i mentioned the black leather interior of the saturn].  as we said goodbye, he told me to eat the turkey.  no.  he's still trying to get me to eat meat, one year later.  he said he never minded the fact that i'm vegetarian, but all evidence points towards the contrary, doesn't it?  anyway.  tomorrow locke and i are going to go see gothika, which both val and i want to see.

i spent the last couple hours copying music onto my drive, then cataloging it onto mp3s.html.  i woke up late, so i missed literature.  again.  mom actually woke me up, and bitched me out about missing class.  as i was racing out the door, she kept calling me back so that she could yell at me.  if i turned to head towards her, she yelled at me for not running off to class.  i couldn't win.  i slammed the door and left.  comp was only a few minutes long, which once again defeated the purpose of driving into brainerd.  i called locke, but he didn't answer.  since we were supposed to meet at his house, i just shrugged and drove over there, only to find out that he wasn't home.  he ended up calling me back, and all was good.  i headed over to his house, where i vented about how frustrating my mom was.  after that - work.  fairly uneventful, except for when i fell off my stool.  i got my legs tangled in the stool's legs, and when i tried to stand up, i came crashing down.  i smashed into the ground, but even as i was lying there, i was giggling.  it was funny, even at the time.  val is passed out on my floor again.  apologies for the boring blog; it was going to be more interesting, but then i started dealing with all the mp3s, and i'm just sick of typing now.  ah, one last thing.  once again, mom is comparing me to val.  val got her hair chopped to shoulder length.  mom saw it, and commented, "i wish brittany would grow her hair out to that length.  i liked it like that:  it looked sophisticated."  too bad i prefer it short, eh?  sigh.  i'm already sick of being compared to my best friend.  at least val doesn't encourage this, but i wish mom would stop.  damn good daughter / bad daughter scenario.  maybe i'm just too easily frustrated.  i'll just vent and stop dwelling on it.  until tomorrow comes, when it'll happen again.  oh, one last thing.  travis called me today while i was at work.  i missed the call, and he left a voicemail.  i'm kind of wondering why he called.  "haven't talked to you for a while, wondering how you are" etc. was the gist of the message.  well, okay.  still, i think it's strange that he called me up.

what do you say when someone asks you what you are thinking?  i think a hundred things at once, and yet i think of none of them.  that sounds asinine, but i know of no other way to phrase it.  seldom do i ever think just one thing - and that is usually only when i am taking in details or analyzing someone or something.  i did learn something today.  locke and i know how to hurt each other.  we know how to play each other.  not sure if that's good or bad.  it scares me, sometimes.  i worry about the two of us.  but... yeah.  i guess i don't know what to write.  i want to say everything that happened, but that would take hours to explain every little nuance that i took in.  i remember every little detail, and i know i'll be pondering them still.

coming home was not fun at all.  mom bitched at me because i was 15 minutes late.  i bitterly told her that locke and i had to work some stuff out.  of course she wanted details, but i refused to give them to her.  walking up to my room, she stopped me, saying she saw something that looked like a welt on my neck.  ah, shit.  peering at it, her eyebrows lifted.  i reassured her that it was not what she was thinking.  she then asked if it was a rash.  uh, yeah, sure.  i have a rash on my neck.  whether anyone believes that or not is debatable.

Baby go to bed and put out the light
We both know if we talk anymore
We're gonna end up in a great big fight
You can have your way again
Yeah, you believe what you wanna believe
You can walk all over me tomorrow
But tonight can we both just pretend to sleep

I think we're headed for a big fall
I think we're headed for a bad time
Ooh yeah you're gonna go downstairs
And sit in that chair you like
Gonna put a John Prine record on
I think we need to slow it down for a while

i'm so glad i have val to talk to.  i don't know what i would do without her.  at midnight, i crawled into her bed, and we talked for an hour.  but more on that in a bit.  today was pretty much a waste of any expenditure of energy.  first class was canceled, and the second class i shoudn't have bothered.  we had class for all of five minutes before we were dismissed.  i headed out to locke's, then, where mom called me a couple times to scream at me in frustration.  on the computer downstairs, i had set up another user for val.  mom did not understand how to deal with this.  she yelled at me for deleteting all of her files.  she couldn't figure out how to log off a user, or even how to reboot.  dad eventually had to leave work and come help her.  anyway, around seven, locke and i came back to my place where we played mario.  well, he played.  i watched.  he wants to talk to jim, but i don't want him to.  i don't feel that jim likes me in any way other than friendship.  and i guess i don't understand how locke could not think that it would be awkward to ask jim how he feels about me, which is what locke wanted me to do.  that, or he'll talk to the boy himself.  i guess i don't know how to explain why that bothers me so much, but it does.  at least val understands.  as soon as locke left, i went downstairs to go discuss matters with val.  we talked about jim, locke, josh.  those were our main subjects, but there was one other thing:  how everyone treats me like i am an idiot.  granted, i do stupid stuff, as does everyone.  normally i play the fool because i enjoy hearing people laugh.  thing is, i think people honestly do believe that i'm that stupid.  sometimes i think that locke is convinced that he has a crazy, dumb, girlfriend.  even my mom treats me like i'm too stupid to even feed myself.  she's in awe that i can bake cookies.  and she's already started comparing val and i.  i'm just sick of being treated like i have a room-temperature iq.  i feel horribly ill.  too bad i have work and class tomorrow...

the bitter, bitter irony - that i kind of expected.  lit was cancelled [that was the class that i wrote the paper in].  so i'm killing time until my 1:00 class, which i'll do nothing in.  i'm going over to locke's tonight, but i'll only stay a few hours.  i have mandrake to install, and i want to be home before val gets home [she works tonight].  yesterday at hunt, dad took val and i on a tour around the building.  he showed us the lab, the server room, and the room with the phone lines for breezy...

glorious, glorious sleep.  val and i did nothing earlier today.  around two or so, we made a run to hunt, so that we could download mandrake 9.2 for me.  when we came back, i did some crap online and val played mario.  at not even four o'clock, we both just kind of passed out.  i woke up once when locke called, then stumbled back into my bed.  a couple minutes past seven, i shot upright and looked out the window.  locke's car was there.  as soon as i got my bedroom door open, i saw locke coming up the steps to my room.  oops.  val was still lying on the floor.  she eventually moved, and locke and i laid on my bed for a little while before going to play mario.  val came up later.  i feel bad for locke; val and i talk alot when we're together, and he's trying so hard to concentrate on not dying.  i think he gets frustrated with us.  he left a quarter after ten, and val and i went downstairs to go make cookies.  we made molasses, and only have eight of those left.  i had a few, dad had some and will bring some to work tomorrow [he loves `em] and a baggie is going to locke.  we also made peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips, which are good, but not as good as the molasses cookies.  ...holy snow.

i'm in a really strange mood, a mood i'm unable to fully explain.  but.  i got out of work 1/2 hour early, due to the dual facts that 1) we hadn't had a customer in two hours, and 2) the weather was getting bad.  kyle came in while i was mopping the cafe, and we talked for a long while.  i don't even remember what we talked about, besides finding a car that would "humble blayne".  and... yeah.  driving home sucked, especially on 11 and 17.  today was so boring...

i still have yet to work on my paper that's due monday, and i'm not doing it tonight.  i'm going to collapse into bed after this, then clean and do the paper after work tomorrow.  today i skipped class, made a run to target instead, then headed over to help val finish removing all her belongings from where she used to live.  all her clothes [or, most] took up all available room in my car.  i dropped the basket of make-up, which was none too fun.  there was make-up everywhere:  the garage, my duster, everything.  anyway, later on locke called and he said that he would stop by roughly two hours later.  in the meantime, mom vented on me about random things.  locke finally came over and i just flew out the door as soon as i got it open.  i had to get out of the house.  we drove around for a while, then headed back to my house.  we played mario, then headed off to breezy to buy mike's hard lemonade for my under-age coworker.  again, we headed back home, but never got there.  locke said something to me, and i couldn't figure out how serious he was.  i was hurt and confused.  we ended up driving around until i felt better about the whole situation.  we went down to the lake where we went last time, and stayed there for a bit.  right before we left, however, locke wanted to drive down right next to the lake.  well, he miscalculated.  we ended up getting stuck in the lake.  it wasn't too bad, although it reeked of dead fish.  i was sitting there, trying to take it all in, and he was trying to back the car up.  he got out, said "it's okay, honey" and tried to shove the car, to no avail.  i handed him my cell phone and told him to call the guys.  we called kyle first, but that didn't pan out.  next we called jimmy, but he didn't pick up, so locke left a voicemail.  jesk didn't answer, so we scrolled down some more and called josh, who did come down to help us.  he and matt successfully pulled the car out of the lake, so locke and i went to spirits, where locke bought drinks for them, to repay them.

truly.  val called me while i was in class, and on the voicemail she was sobbing.  i called her back as soon as i got out, and she wanted to make sure that it was all right that she was moving in.  she was finally escaping her grandma's.  so val is living with us now.  it's basically like i've gained a sister.  we set up a parking spot for her, so that's good.  she doesn't need to run over mary, now.  she's going to be in the bedroom downstairs, but we seriously need to redecorate in there.  the uber-catholicism that pervades that room has got to go.  we'll do that tomorrow.  she also wants me to work on the computer, install a 56k modem [i have one somewhere, i just need to find it.]  i gave her a scrolling mouse, and we may switch the printer in there out with one we have upstairs.  this is going to be so crazy.  val and i were saying that some night, we're going to invite locke and josh over for dinner.  'family' dinner plus boyfriends.  which reminds me.  sometime in december, my parents are supposed to be leaving for a while.  party at phoenix's, if that ever comes about.

i went over to locke's tonight, and just as i got there, val called.  she checked to see where i was, and where i had said where i was.  gotta love that.  she wanted to make sure what i had said, so that if need be, she'd lie.  does that make sense?  i'm kind of incoherant right now.

kyle came in to work a few times tonight.  the third time that he came to visit, we eventually persuaded him to run to freshway and buy us subs.  i've been craving subs lately.

anyway.  i think i'm going to skip my one class tomorrow, as i have yet to even start on the paper that is due tomorrow.  well, rough draft is due tomorrow.  the final copy is due monday.

19 credits.  i may go insane, but in the end - it might be worth it.  i'm taking three web classes [intro to personal computers, operating systems/windows, and general ecology].  my classes don't start until noon [walking, jog, & fitness and culture & enviroment].  the other classes i'm taking are intro to mass communication, international relations, applied music - instrumental 1 [i'm taking up the violin again].  this better be worth it.

i should be registering for spring semester or working on a paper i have due friday.  instead, i'm blogging.  bah, i'll register tomorrow morning, i guess.  although mom and i had a long-ass talk about this today.  i've already gone over this with locke and val, and i have no real desire to rehash this for a third time.  so, in short, here we go:  for two and a half hours we bickered back and forth, with her at one point leaping out of her chair to scream at me.  most everything that we had argued about earlier in the month came out now.  especially all the crap about locke.  she said she couldn't find anything about him to dislike, it's just that she was uneasy about him.  this was probably due to the fact that she thought we were having sex.  [she found out we kissed, so she figured sex was the next logical step?  gah!]  she asked if i felt safe with him, if i trusted him, if he ever forced himself upon me.  yes, yes, no.  anyway, at the end of the 'discussion', she said that she was sure that locke was a nice guy, and that she's not going to critize him, or say anything negative about him anymore.  in her mind, she's giving him a second chance.  hrm.  good thing mom hasn't seen locke's blue hair, or his make-up.  i really like his hair like this, though.  i got to see the make-up on him today, too, when i ran into him after class.  i was upset about my mom, and he sat with me as i talked with val, then i told him about it.  it's a comfort talking to him, even though i don't always show or say that to him.  anyway.  maybe more on the whole fight thing later.  i really don't want to talk about it.  locke and i went out to eat at the green mill, where he got wine, we both got pasta, and we split a sundae.  i felt bad; the meal was kinda spendy.  afterwards we headed back to his place to watch american beauty, which i've always wanted to see.  that was a wonderful movie.  we laid around for a few minutes, then he took me home, so that i could work on my paper.  speaking of which...

if there's a hell, it's probably something like my life.  mom told me flat out that she doesn't like locke, that she doesn't trust him.  she says that i've changed for the worse since i've begun dating him.  we got into a fight and she eventually left my room.  she left, both of us still angry.  she told me she doesn't trust me anymore.  i'm ungrateful, disrespectul, and untrustworthy.  even after she left, i tried to hold back the tears.  i ended up writing her a four-page letter, in which i apologized, but also explained my position on everything.  i'll leave it on the counter tomorrow before i leave.  locke and i had a long talk tonight, also, which is why i didn't get home until late.  i just have a tendency to create chaos and mess people's lives up, don't i?  i hurt people, ironically when i'm trying so hard not to.  i want something beautiful, something perfect.  i'll never have that, though - nothing can stay beautiful around me for long.  i need to escape.  if not by death, then by car.  i need to get away from here.  i don't know if i can explain how hard this is on me.  i can't trust mom any longer, however.  my journal is going wherever i go.  anything important stays on me at all times.  the computer is password protected.  more than anything, i have to resist the temptation to put my possessions in the saturn when she is not around, then drive.  drive anywhere.  i'm 19:  legally she cannot do anything.  i need to resist that urge, no matter how driving it is.  i don't enjoy life.  quite the contrary.  i live in fear.  and i'm scared of making locke's life miserable.

"hon, what's that on your neck?  it looks like something bit you."  a short laugh.  nervously i chuckled back.  trying desperatly to think of what i could say it was, i decided to use the fact that my parents sometimes wonder about my intelligence to my advantage:  "actually, i walked into a tree."  and they believed me.  i'm not sure yet if that's good or bad.

locke and i have been dating a month now.  that's crazy.  after class today we went shopping.  locke bought make-up for himself, and i just got a bra.  now he knows why i hate bra-shopping so much.  um, anyway.  we headed back to his house, and listened to lords of acid almost the entire time that i was over.  leg, chest, shoulder, back, neck.  neck was bad.  those damn things are going to be hard to hide.  random scratches.  ...i share too much sometimes.

locke blogged tonight, on the premise that i would wear the kitty ears.  ...as much as that sounds like a weird, kinky fetish... it's not.  anyway.  i'm still dressed in all black, even heading off to bed, which got me thinking.  i still have black nail polish, i just never wear it.  mom would flip if i ever did.  i made a comment about it once, kind of feeling her out before i wore it in front of her.  she dubbed it 'satanic' and evil.  so, i have yet to wear it around her.  the only times i've painted my nails have been when my parents have been gone for a few days.  black is actually the only color nail polish i own.  yay for shopping with locke tomorrow.

what the...?  a social engineering class, taught by kevin mitnick.  training only costs $1755.  google ads are a never-ending source of amazement and amusement.

that's it, i'm locking myself in my room tonight and not dealing with anyone.  i'm just feeling pissy right now.  i'm sick of being treated like i'm a fucking idiot.  i'm really not as dumb as i appear to be some of the time.  no one probably believes me, but that's fine.  locke was over for a bit, which was nice.  he's the only person besides my dad i could deal with today.

i figured out why i was so confused about my credits.  for some reason, one of my math classes never transferred over so i have go talk to clc about that tomorrow.  joy.  so i do need 19 credits, as i thought previously.

well, i'm excited.  i talked to my dad for a little bit this afternoon, and told him that i was doing research on hacking for a paper.  he told me to buy as many books as i wanted, and then he would pay me back, because it was research.  ha.  so for right now, i just ordered hacking exposed, masters of deception, the art of deception, and cuckoo's egg [gotta get the other side of the story, eh?]  i'll be buying more later, also at his expense.

val and i did nothing today.  we woke up late, got the oil in my car changed by an african-american midget, and ate salads at mcdonalds.  you know, the usual.

so locke, kyle, josh, jimmy, blayne, and i all went out to pizza hut.  jimmy bought us all stickers - blayne got two that said "god" and "got jesus?"  mine is kind of frightening - i'm not overly fond of the "watching over us 24:7".  anyway.  that was fun; i haven't been to pizza hut with a group of people for... well, since i dated travis.  our poor waitress.  we left her a sticker, with a note that said "with love from all six of us."  josh and kyle split an extra-extra cheese stuffed-crust cheese-lover's pizza.  holy cheese.  locke and i split a pizza, as did jimmy and blayne.  on the way back, locke and i rode with jimmy and blayne, and locke hucked a pop can at kyle's car - and hit it.  i don't know, i had fun.  after we got back to cascade, i dropped my car off at home, then locke and i took off for his place.  we relaxed for a while, chatted, a few times he said, "please don't hurt me."  there's just something wrong with that.  it was fun... i laughed... as did he, even though he was getting beat up by moi.  tonight went well with locke:  i was so happy and comfortable with him.  later in the night, we watched the "broken" video by nine inch nails.  it wasn't as horrible as he made it out to be, but still... the man being ground up, the gay s&m, etc...  watching it with him was fine, but if i had watched it by myself i'd probably be a bit disturbed, to say the least.  to lighten the mood, we just watched two futurama episodes after that.  argh, when locke and i ever do go shopping, i'm buying cover-up and keeping it there.  that, and maybe socks to keep there.  i scrounged around for mine, and ended up wearing one of mine and one of his until he pointed it out to me.

"look, val, these can double as a bra!"  val and i meandered around wal-mart for a while, and came across a pair of women's underwear that were huge.  i held it up to me, and it was like a swimsuit it was so high.

in less humorous news... the lie i told was so small, yet i feel so awful for it.  if i could take it back, i would, but that's impossible.  damnit, it was a little white lie:  i had nothing to say, i told him,  truthfully, it was just that i didn't want to be mocked.  but he found out ["i shouldn't have to find out from your blog that you lied to me."] and... yeah.  again all is not well between us.  we were talking on the phone - well, talking may be the wrong word, as we were silent for at least half of the conversation - and val showed up.  locke said he'd let me go, and so i said that i would talk to him tomorrow.  silence.  i repeated what i said.  "yeah, i heard you the first time," he replied.  i was crushed.  that stung more than i thought it would.  just his general disappointment and hurt in me wounds me more than i ever thought that it would.

honey, i am so sorry.  i didn't think about it, and i know saying sorry changes nothing.  even though it was a small lie, i still lied to you.  i'm sorry that we didn't end on very good terms tonight, either.  perhaps i just have a tendency to fuck things up.  but i apologize, and i hope that we can get along better tomorrow.  my sincerest apologies for ever hurting you.

val and i had an interesting talk about religion today while we were driving around.  i felt like i could actually discuss this topic with her, rather than just listen as she ranted on.  no offense to locke meant.  we freely traded ideas with the knowledge that each other would listen and not judge.  she explained what she believed and why, and i tried to explain what i believed in.  it's hard of hard explaining a melding of catholicism and wiccan/pagan beliefs.  next time locke asks, though, i'm going to do my best to explain.  i owe him that, at the very least.

i'm using mozilla now.  yay, yay for me.

locke came over tonight.  pretty uneventful - all the trouble started after we left my house and went for a drive.  as we drove, he got started on a rant about religion.  for some reason, tonight it just hit me especially hard.  he hit a nerve, an insecurity.  he hurt and angered me.  yet, for some reason, though i was seething with anger for what he was saying, the other half of me was calm, not bothered at all by any of it.  it was an odd sensation.  as he went on and on, i grew quieter and quieter.  try to imagine how i felt.  i'm being torn in two, emotionally, between my mother and locke.  both are preaching polar opposites to me.  almost every day this happens to me.  and imagine having something you believe in mocked, criticized, laughed at, by someone that you care about.  sometimes i feel like he won't be happy until i disavow all of christianity.  and, thing is, i'm not saying that i blindly believe all that christianity [or catholicism] teaches, though it sometimes seems that what he thinks.  sometimes i just get frustrated.  he asked me what i did believe.  i didn't tell him, as i didn't want to get mocked.  i don't think he would have, but still - that's what i felt at that moment.  anyway.  things weren't the best between us for a while.  we ended up parking by a lake, and we both sat there in silence.  i was close to tears.  at some point, locke began fiddling with the radio.  he stopped on the station that was playing "truly, madly, deeply" by savage garden.  i melted.  i don't know if he realized, but that song hit me hard and i lost almost all of my anger right then.  i'm pathetic, i know.  that helped, though - fights always make me nervous.  i'm deathly afraid of pushing someone away and that they'll be out of my life forever.  that's probably why i bottle everything up inside:  i'm scared of hurting / losing someone.  yeah, i am pretty pathetic...

.../words

And on my deathbed I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven

so i've been thinking about religion lately.  i'm slowly coming to terms with what i believe.  granted, i'm sure all this will eventually change, but i'm settling into something i'm more comfortable with right now.  i'm melding pagan aspects with my catholic belief system.  it's kind of hard to explain right now, but it is all slowly forming in my mind... and making sense.

ah, i need to get used to sleep deprivation again.  it's really messing with my mind right now.  and this is nothing compared to what i used to do to myself.  anyway, tonight went a lot better than earlier today.  around 8:30 or so i headed off to locke's, which was to be a welcome change of pace.  mom is really awkward to be around right now.  i need to start locking my door.  anyway.  locke's:  it's been a while since i've laughed that much.  i needed that...

"red hat will stop supporting its free red hat linux operating system next year.  instead, the company last week introduced its fedora project, through which it will work with developers to build open-source operating systems.  says vp of marketing john young, "we felt one product, red hat linux, couldn't address all users.""  -information week

we are still not yet wholly getting along.  i woke up this morning [7 am] to find her standing in the middle of my room.  i guess dad told her everything that i told him, and she came to apologize.  for two frickin' hours.  a minute after she left my room my alarm went off.  i've been running on sleep dep today.  i don't remember everything that she apologized for, nor do i really care anymore.  her promises are shallow.  right now, though, we are engaged in an uneasy truce.  locke called today, and i met him down at the park.  he may be moving out.  as we spoke [well, he talked, i listened] i watched as one lone tear trickled down his cheek.  seeing that, i almost cried myself.  i hurt so badly for him.  i wish i could do something, anything.  even... i don't know.  there are no words or actions i can even say or do.  that has never been my strong point.  but i can listen.  truly listen.

the scratches i inflicted upon myself will disappear by morning.  they always do.  i can't take any more spats with her.  i come home, and it's the same thing every time.  this time, i'm irresponsible and lazy.  i never do anything that i'm supposed to.  they would treat me differently if only i would be responsible.  i never do anything.  to be honest - she's right, to a point.  i don't give a fuck about school.  i really don't give a fuck about anything at all, anymore.  but.  i finally escaped her and dragged myself upstairs.  dad, lying on the couch, cheerily asked how my day went.  after i grunted a reply, he asked me what was the matter.  about half of the crap i had bottled up inside myself i unleased upon him.  i told him how, night after night, i dealt with this constantly from her.  this is why i hated to come home.  he just listened and nodded.  when he mentioned that she has been stressed lately, though, i stormed off to my room.  i didn't care.  and that's when i took my fingernails to my flesh and gouged as hard as i could.  it was the only way i had to let loose.  it's the safest approach when it comes to that - the marks disappear quickly, so my parents never find them and wonder.  i think i'm going to throw up now.  my stomach hurts and i feel nausous.

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

so josh has finally blogged again.  yay.  anyway.  i got a new car!  it's a silver 2001 saturn, with black leather interior!  i was so excited when i saw it.  it only has 36000 miles on it, too.  i am so happy about this.  val will be buying the cavalier, too, which helps out.  being the pathetic, excited phoenix that i am, i wanted to get a picture up of it, but that'll have to wait a bit.  i need new batteries in my digital camera.  i showed locke my car, and val too [she ditched out of work for a few to ride with me].  mom called while i was down at breezy, wanting to talk to me.  my mood began to falter, and soon after locke and i left the store to go back to his house until i had to go home.  we discussed my mom, and he sweetly offered to come with me.  i greatly appreciated that, but i didn't take him up on his offer.  but yeah.  so i got home, and i went downstairs, asking "you wanted to talk?"  she snapped back at me, saying she didn't feel like talking anymore.  fuck that, i stressed - she better damn well talk to me now.  we didn't really talk.  basically, she insulted me and i sat there.  she said that i was ungrateful.  i always treat her like she's the bad guy.  i'm nicer to my father than i am to her.  val treats her better than i do.  now this is why i never want to come home anymore.  oh, and the thing about me driving at night?  revoked.  locke has to pick me up.  she even said that if he's not man enough to be able to do something like that, she "never wants to see him again".  i flipped out on that one.  but at least she's not telling me to dump him anymore.  she's respecting my wishes on that.  it's just that now i'm back to forcing locke to drive me around.  damnit, she used an illogical arguement:  1) he's the man.  2) what if her little baby girl gets into an accident?  well, what if locke gets into an accident?  what if he has no gas money?  what if, what if, what if?  i fucking hate hypotheticals.

last blog of the night, i promise.  val is doing better, she's calmed down somewhat.  she's talked to josh, which i guess is good and understandable, but still.  i want to hurt him for making her cry.  and i really fucking hate myself right now.  i'm so damn indecisive and it pisses everyone off.  it stems from not wanting to irritate anyone, and yet it has the opposite effect.  that, and i'm still kind of used to travis, who never let me make any decisions - he decided everything.  not that i'm condoning that, i'm just saying.  but now locke asks me one damn simple quesion, and i can't decide because i'd rather do what he'd prefer to do.  i feel like my opinion does not really matter, that he should decide, because then he can be happy.  is this what happens?  hell no.  again, quite the fucking opposite.  i'm a bad girlfriend.

i am going insane.  well, locke helped us figure out that `tis cassie that offered "i could fit in your shirt and pants. i'm not as boney as phoenix. although, small."  damn fucking hell, i hate this.  she's fucking with us all, and it's driving me crazy.  she's lying to josh about her meeting me in bemidji.  locke is telling me how psychotic she can be.  she too is telling me about it, in a roundabout way.  and all this because she wants to get into kyle's pants.  she knows who we all are, but at least we know who she is, too.  she told me that i believed viscious rumours about her, yet "i've always loved you pheonix, even if you have believed that shit".  locke informed me that "she is fucking crazy" and backed it up with a story.  val is crying because josh told her that he doesn't want to marry her.  i really don't need to be fucked with right now.  how dare cassie pull this shit with us.  i'm worried about val tremendously, i was on the phone with her bawling her eyes out, then i got to deal with this.  locke said she's made death threats before.  we may want a restraining order.  damnit, get me out of this mess.  i just want to hide out somewhere, away from cassie, away from my problems.  i want val happy.  i really, really want to be with locke right now.  just get me the fuck away from this life.

holy.  leave it to val and i to get horribly lost.  but more on that in a bit.  we drove down to the cities just fine, though it took us two tries to get the right exit to our hotel.  the days inn was nice enough, if you ignored the fact that the bathroom door did not shut.  to remedy that, i took the chair in the room and placed it behind the door.  the door still stayed open a crack, but it worked enough for our purposes.  it's not like val and i are going to watch each other in the shower or anything.  we went back to the jeep to head for the target center, but just as we got out the door, realized that we left the tickets in the room.  so we ran back in then ran back to the vehicle.  we did fairly well getting to the concert, though we were a bit spooked when we were paying for parking:  some black guys were hollering, "kill whitey!"  once in the target center and on the floor, we looked around for jim and ryan.  it only took us a sec to find them.  the concert itself was fun.  the first act was three days grace, who were all right.  next up was default.  val ogled the lead singer.  they were actually a good band.  finally, up came nickelback.  their set included fire and fireworks.  that was great.  we were up so close to the front, too.  we were about four people back from the stage.  val and i laughed when we noticed what the lead singer was wearing - a bemidji shirt.  that was cool.  near the end of the show, the band had a camcorder sweeping over the audience.  this would be going onto the dvd, perhaps.  so, as it swept over where the four of us were standing, jim picked me up and thrust me into the air so that i stood out over the heads of everyone else.  finally we left, which is when the trouble began.  val and i got lost.  somewhere along the line, an exit was taken that shouldn't have been taken.  it took us two hours to make our way back to our hotel.  i was freaking out in the passenger seat, just going crazy.  i was so stressed and trying to remain calm and not shout at val.  we must have asked directions at four or five different gas stations, trying to get back.  to top it off, neither of us had a driver's license with us.  at some point, we were headed for duluth.  at another point, we were actually out of state.  leave it to us to get that lost.  the next day, we check out and head for the mall of america.  we only get slighly lost going there.  val ended up buying underwear, pajama pants, and pants for josh.  i bought a pair of black pants and another wristband.  i was also looking at some leather pants, but val dragged me away from those.  leaving, we ran into more trouble.  again, a wrong exit was taken, a wrong turn, a wrong road somewhere.  we were lost and going south.  again, at one point we entered wisconsin.  this time we were only lost for an hour before we got ourselves corrected and going in the right direction.  i was supposed to go to mass tonight, but we did not get into brainerd until 45 minutes after mass began.  i just said screw it.  i dropped val off, then headed home.  tomorrow i'm supposed to go look at a car with my parents, i have to talk to locke, and i really need to get started on my research paper as it is now due in a week.  oh, and i guess bill whined to the boss about val and i.  argh.  that's not something i want to deal with right now.

we did not discuss locke at all today.  we did have another discussion, though.  i am now allowed to drive my car at night, provided i call when i leave.  this is much better than the previous arrangement.  argh, i'm attempting to burn cds, and after burning three of them, asinine windows media player refuses to copy any more for me.  anyway.  i don't think the topic of locke will be coming up for a few days.  mom did apologize for many things, both yesterday and today.  she told me that she is not trying to control me.  she realizes that i am 19, that i am adult, but it is just so hard for her to let go of her little girl.  still, no matter what she says, she leaves me frustrated beyond belief.  tonight will be nice, as i'll have a chance to get away from her for a while and just chill with val.  speaking of val, mom is more than willing to have her move in with us.  i guess here would be better than her grandma's, at any rate.  i'll speak to her again tonight about that, methinks.  val and i have a lot to talk about tonight, actually.  she has stories of last night, as do i.  i'm perfectly happy with locke right now; just because mom wants me to dump him does not mean that i have any plans to do so.  anyway.  i'm going to call locke, run to the bank, then go meet val so we can pick up some munchies for the trip.  i probably won't get back into town until late night sunday.  y'know, it seems kind of pathetic:  i'm more excited to stay in the hotel room and go shopping at the megamall than i am to go to the concert tonight.

"did he ever try and force himself on you in any way?"  this is why i do not enjoy talks with my mother.  she is now telling me that locke seems like a nice boy and all - but she doesn't trust him.  she asked god for a sign if i should break up with him.  the bitter, bitter irony is that locke asked me a few days ago, what i would do if my mom ever wanted me to stop seeing him.  she says she doesn't trust me anymore.  she says she knows that he is not the one for me, and that i should not date him.  although nice, she repeats, there is something about him.  the words that come to her mind are "danger" and "possessive".  she bitched at me for not dropping my car off at the house.  i'm irresponsible and i don't think.  i abuse their trust.  i can't wait until i leave this place.  i had such a good day, too.  she knows oh-too-well how to ruin a decent day.  come sunday, let's see what she says about her sign.  i want to scream.

"it was so nice to hear you laugh, the other day," she told me.  i asked what she meant.  "i never hear you laugh anymore," she told me. "smile, phoenix" he asks of me sometimes.  i smile and laugh much more around val and locke.  generally, i don't feel any reason to smile, though.  school, work, etc. are all getting to me - much more than i know that they should.  in literature today we had to analyze a poem - something that i had missed out on before.  i didn't know what i was doing, yet i only slightly cared that i didn't understand.  i feel trapped here.  i want to just leave.  leave in the middle of the night, taking only what will fit into my car, and then just fleeing.  where to, i don't know.  somewhere.  anywhere.  and i would be fine.  it's not like i'm a minor and they're going to haul me back up here.  it's horrible, but when i was thinking about the concert today, part of me wanted something to happen.  sometimes, i'd rather be dead than just going through the motions, day in and day out, and hating every minute of it.  i should not feel like this.  i just want out of here.  away from this town, away from this college, away from my parents.  away from this hell.

but.  if nothing else, i should feel better for a little while today.  i'm going to go visit val at breezy for a little while, then i'm heading off to locke's.

"phoenix, you were such a bitch to him.  i was so proud."  thank you, val, though i didn't realize my hostility was quite so blatant.  i hate bill so much - i feel so bad for val, as she'll be forced to work with him next week.  now, he came in tonight because neither val nor i had a key to lock up the store.  jim wouldn't come in, either would paula.  she told us to call bill.  quite unhappily, we did so.  so bill said that he would come in at 8:30.  but no, much to our dismay, the damn old man decided to come down at 8:00.  as soon as he walks in, he starts critisizing everything that val and i are doing.  i wanted to bash that man's face in.  watching me count down the tills, he asked, "are you counting down the tills?"  i nodded.  he then told me that i had better leave change in the change bag so that he wouldn't have to do it in the morning.  fuck you, old man.  if you demand something of me, you won't get it.  if you had only asked, i would have complied.  he went over a list, asking if we did this, or this, or this, etc.  you get the idea.  i tersely replied that we had done everything.  whenever he spoke to me, i would reply in short, clipped sentences or not at all.  i glared directly at him the few times that he spoke right to me.  he whined that we didn't do anything on night shift, that we didn't have enough to do, that we just plain did not do anything.  he quickly learned my displeasure with those thoughts.  blah, i'm not really in rant mode anymore, so it's hard for me to type this up right now.  the "elderly gentleman" [mom didn't like me saying "old man"] was a slow, doddering, idiot that didn't have any clue what we do on night shift.  he even admitted to that.  he did not know how to lock up.  you put the key in the damn door, you fucking moron.  erm, i was even more hostile at work.  anyway, speaking of mom, i came home and began ranting about how much i loathe that man.  mom eventually doused me with holy water to get me stop.  she told me to be respectful to him, but i retorted that he doesn't respect me.  it doesn't matter, she told me, he's elderly - respect him.  respect be damned, i tried that before.  he honestly does not deserve my respect.

damnit.  i wish that i was smarter than i am.

holy.  locke and i talked on the phone for 1 hour, 37 minutes.  what did we talk about?  i honestly could not tell you.  probably half the time was spent in silence.

so i took my bra off at work tonight.  it was scratching the hell out of me.  i probably wouldn't have done that if anyone other than val was working.  that would have been just awkward.

sigh.  i don't want to go to class tomorrow.  i possess no drive whatsoever.  no ambition.  i just plain don't care.  i wish i did; i just don't.  i need to figure out what to do about that.  more than anything, i need to figure that out, as this is my future.  education should be my priority, yet it's not.  it never has been.  this needs to change, or i need to know what to do about this.

so it went better than i thought it would, though that boy just frustrates me.  he came over to drop my stuff off, so i invited him inside, thinking he would stay just a minute.  no, no no.  he made his way upstairs, sat on my bed, then moved down to the floor.  specifically, like two inches away from me.  i moved even closer to locke to make sure that... i don't know...  as horrible as this sounds, i half hoped that travis would say something stupid so that locke would beat the shit out of him, either physically or psychologically.  i'm a bad friend.  we were all civil, which i guess was good.  locke sat there, playing my nintendo the entire time, which was perfectly fine with me.  i hoped travis would get the hint and book out.  but, alas, no.  at one point, i ran downstairs to see who else had come over.  during the short time i was gone, travis asked locke how the two of us were doing and also informed him of the girl that he was dating - the same girl that he told to give up the kid.  the same girl that he told me that he wasn't dating.  damn liar.  but eventually he left and all was well.

i was so happy that i got to see locke today.  he made dealing with travis a lot easier.  it was also so much fun playing nintendo with him.  i haven't had that much fun playing that for... i can't even remember.  years.  i also made rice tonight, but he refused to try it.  ah well.  at any rate, it was just so nice being with him.  i wasn't having a very good day, but after getting together with him it made it that much better.  school is just a constant headache for me.  today i overslept, missing one of my classes.  in the other class, i turned in a paper, and had points docked because it was late.  i didn't realize that it was supposed to be turned in earlier.  to be honest, i just have no desire for college.  i know that intellectually, i'm more then capable.  it's just emotionally, i'm not.  i have no drive, no ambition - i just plain don't care about my classes.  that bothers me.  i should want to go to class, i should want to learn.  but i don't.  i'd rather sit at home, on my computer, and teach myself java, javascript, c, c++, etc.  i've never been a fan of the classroom.  i want to learn how to hack.  this just drives me crazy.  i know that i should want to go to school, but i can't make myself believe that.  i don't want to drop-out, but that's only because i know the chances of getting a decent job are slim that way [plus, my parents would kill me].  i could do exceedingly well in school if i cared, but i just don't.  i hate this.  i hate having to drag my sorry little ass to school.  i should want to go.  damnit, i hate being conflicted about every important thing in my life.

argh.  ryan pisses the hell out of me.  i don't understand that immature little bastard.  those few nights that i had a shitload of coins in the till [$17 in dimes, $12 in nickels, and so on] ryan deliberatly put them in there because he knew that i would have to count down the tills.

"The most prolific serial killer in U.S. history was driven by hatred and arrogance."  and that's shocking news?  oh, quote from cnn's story on the green river killer.

<phoenix> i'm going to take my socks off.  i hate socks.
<locke> i hate pants!

most of my rantings i've already written for today, so all that's left to report is time spent with locke.  he asked me to bring over a rosary, travis' songs, the tape of travis singing, and the kitty ears.  he insisted on getting a few pictures of me with the kitty ears on, so i had to suffer through that.  all the photos turned out horrible.  anyway.  we forgot to the lock the door, which had unforseen consequences.  my eyes got wide, and the only thing that really went through my mind was "oh, shit.  somehow mom's purity prayers have come to wreak havoc upon my life."  well, something to that effect anyway.  we listened to travis singing, and locke laughed pretty hard at that.  it is amusing, i must admit.  he is also making a fake wedding invitation, due to travis' comment about inviting him to the wedding.  anyway, we watched south park again, which as locke mentioned in his blog, is sort of becoming a tradition.  we discussed my whole religion issue for a while, which sort of helped.  i enjoy getting his feedback on this, but i know ultimately i have no figure it all out for myself.  we also talked about how we met, which is funny, as i remember a lot more things than he does [the very early stuff, at any rate].  that was interesting, seeing how i went from hating him to dating him.  ah, the bitter, bitter irony.  but now - i need to really get some sleep.

"you don't want to get pregnant, do you?"  yes, mom, this is the only reason that i am dating locke.  i just want his sperm so that i can have a baby.  gah, honestly, what goes through her mind?  and she wonders why i get frustrated with her.  anyway.  i got to the college an hour early today, and went sat at the booth with josh, josh, buck, dawn, and some random guy.  the guy pissed the hell out of me.  dawn learned today that i was a vegetarian.  mr. random-guy shared with me that i wasn't a true vegetarian.  why?  i don't know; he had nothing to back that up with.  then he grandly informed me that milk is meat.  i replied that no, it's a dairy product.  dumbass.  still he held onto the belief that milk is meat.  i didn't want to argue with him, so i let him win.  i wasn't going to argue with someone that stupid.  you can never win an illogical arguement.  he also seems confused about the difference between menstruation and menopause.  he spoke of wanting to live in an apartment with "five hot chicks who walk around, not caring what they're wearing."  dawn and i told him it wouldn't be that great, because when girls live together for a while, they tend to get their periods together.  imagine the pms.  "doesn't that only happen when they're older?"  he asked.  then he said that he would want a seperate bathroom, because he didn't want "all that period blood" in his toilet.  oh, dawn and i wanted to chop that boy's balls off.  death to mr. random-guy.

i am immensely frustrated.  i believe in some aspects of catholicism - but not all.  i don't have a strong enough faith to refute others when criticism is flying at my religion, yet neither am i irreligious enough to not care about it.  i am stuck in a middle ground, which is unhealthy.  hell, even the bible says so, if you want to use that arguement:  so, because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, i will spit you out of my mouth. - rev 3:16.  i need to figure out what, precisely, i believe.  hrm.  i did some yoga for a while, which relaxed me.  i needed that, after my conversation with mom earlier today.  she asked me how all was going with locke, as compared to travis.  blah, i really don't want to compare the two.  she asked me if he "tried anything" with me.  i just looked at her, playing dumb:  "try anything?"  so, she asked if he had kissed me yet.  about this time i was getting irritated, as i felt she had no right prying in my private life.  none of this pertains to her, so why does she need to know?  i told her as much.  she then correctly assumed that she was right.  "so that means you're kissing him," she said to me.  i sighed.  i repeated that whether i was or not had no impact on her life.  what did she expect, when i'm living in bemidji i'm going to call her up and tell her all about my boyfriend and what we do?  no.  at any rate, she thinks my first kiss was with locke.  bah.  let's just let her keep believing that.  she commented that it seemed strange that i dated travis for 4 months and never kissed him, yet i'm kissing locke.  "things change," i softly replied.  but all seems... okay.  she's just praying for my purity, so that it doesn't go beyond kissing.  erm, good luck with that.  sigh.  it seems as if josh is angry at me.

blah.  today is one of those days wherein i have no drive to do anything.  i woke up late, which meant i was 10 minutes late meeting locke this morning.  it turned out that one of my classes was canceled, so he and i went down to the commons and ate [see, locke - i do eat].  comp was a complete and utter waste of my time, as was work.  i worked with bruce, and during those 6 hours, i read 4 magazines and completed my homework.  it was mind-numbingly boring.  at least kyle visited for a minute.  whoa.  i'm in the mood to watch south park.  i never thought that would happen.  hrm, too bad i don't have any downloaded.  ah well.  oh, gah, travis is coming over on wednesday to bring me my stuff.  i'm half-tempted to invite val or locke over that night.  odd.  mom had me just call my cousin.  i was told to tell danielle to call my mom.  why, i have no idea.  i guess mom's cell is blocked or something.  i don't know what is up with kathy; she seems quite pissed at my mom.  and to top it off, she's suicidal, her court date is coming up, and her daughter's court date for possession is coming up.  yay.

<locke> you need to have a whole right -there-
<phoenix> i do have a pair of khakis with a hole there - but i don't wear them
<locke> why not?
<phoenix> because i don't want to wear pants with a hole there
<locke> but it could be our hole!

i must resist the urge to scream.  when i got home, i was happy for a change.  after i ran upstairs to do some covering-up, i made my way downstairs to deal with a silent mom.  this was not going to be good, i felt.  in short, she was angry.  she's bitter about the fact that i spent 9 hours over there.  she wants to know why locke doesn't come here, because "what do you two do over there that you can't do here?"  uh...  she was also upset at the fact that i was driving at night.  it was 10:12 when i got home, c'mon, that shouldn't count.  besides, i left home at 1:00, how was i supposed to know what time i'd get home?  then, she told me, "you've been seeing a lot of locke lately."  i asked her, in a tone somewhere between sarcasm and placating, if she wanted me to cut back my time with him.  no, she said, she wasn't asking me to do that.  instead, she told me to not get too attached or serious with him.  i stared at her, not saying anything.  this was coming from a woman that had always told me never to date to just date, rather to just date with intent to marry.  what was going on here?  mom reminded me that i was leaving in 9 months, and that she knew me well enough to know that i get attached to people fairly easily.  "do you like him?"  she asked, inanely.  i replied with, "i'm dating him, aren't i?"  she paused, reconsidering her question.  "do you really like him?  are you serious about him?"  i coldly asked if it mattered, which stopped her.  there was a slight stare-down, then she broke the gaze, and i wandered back to be by myself.  she has no right to dictate how my relationships should or should not go.  gah.

well, at any rate, locke's went well tonight.  it was much better that it was yesterday.  i felt kind of bad waking him up, but ah well.  i think i stood outside his locked door for a minute or two, knocking and saying his name.  his dad told me that i had to pound harder and to yell his name.  when he finally opened the door, he had a sheet draped around him.  i kind of just stared, slighly confused, for a second before he told me to come in.  maybe i'm just not used to seeing people dressed in sheets.  we relaxed for a while, then he went off to go smoke and brush his teeth.  we watched a few south park episodes, i recall.  later in the day, we took daisy for a walk.  it was actually decent outside - not too cold, but crisp out.  coming back in, we settled down to watch the crow, which i have never seen before.  we ate penne, which was delicious.  he's a better cook than i [which, uh, i guess would include most people].  afterwards, we just relaxed some more in his room.  which reminds me.  i am really, really, screwed this time.  i don't know what shirts i am going to wear, unless these marks miraculously disappear overnight.  there's more than i thought there were when i left his place.

i so do not want to go to any of my classes tomorrow.

there is something sweet about this.  it's slightly strange, but it's cute.  locke called shortly after i got home, and i've been sitting here, talking to him on my cell, and also on irc.  and attempting to blog.  ...except now he's talking about putting a "giant cock" on my site.  thank you, locke, thank you.  but at any rate, i do feel better after talking for an hour on the phone.

<phoenix> do you know what time locke will arrive at jesse's?
<paula> why do you want to know?  because he's an asshole?
<phoenix> actually... we're dating.

argh.  sometimes i want to scream at my stupidity.  i drive myself crazy with my irrationality.  i get overly concerned, i over-react, i'm just plain hyper-emotional and that's horrible to deal with, for both me and others.  the worst thing in the world for me is hurting someone that i care about.  i'm not even sure i can adequatly explain how much that kills me.  my world revolves around those i feel for.  my relationships with others mean the world to me, and miscommunication hurts me so much, because i believe that i have somehow failed them.  even when they tell me that all is fine, i still ache for hours, thinking about it.  i over-react to silences.  i over-react to everything, and i know that it is irrational, and then i beat myself up for that too.  it's a vicious cycle.  i just feel awful about tonight because of the miscommunication.  i'm used to taking blame for everything, and even when told it's not wholly my fault - i still believe that it is.  i have a massive guilt complex, probably stemming from my natural personality, and my upbringing [both catholicism and my mother].  but yeah.  i don't know what to say or how to explain myself.  nonetheless, i'm sorry, locke.

that's what mom will do if she ever finds out what i really do when i leave the house.  i entered the house in cat ears, explaining as i speed-walked to the stairs that locke made me buy them.  mom thought they were cute.  i didn't add that i'm supposed to wear them until he and i make a run to target.  there is no way i'm going through with that one - that could be days or weeks.  as i dashed up the stairs, i lied, saying that i was extremely tired and heading off to bed.  as soon as i shut the door, i surveyed the ...damage [okay, bad choice of words.  my vocabulary is suffering right now].  perhaps it's time for phoenix to start wearing turtlenecks.  and no low-cut shirts for a while, either.  meh.  i don't mind; it just makes me nervous to think what mom would say if she saw.  but yeah, anyway.  the rocky horror show went well - quite humorous.  ran into marissa, who commented "so that's locke."  nicole performed quite well.  i was kind of surprised at how far they actually did strip those two down during the performance.  i know i wouldn't want to be half-naked in front of an audience.  afterwards we headed back to locke's place.  hrm, one of these nights i'm just going to tell mom that i'm spending the night at val's, then head over to locke's.  i'm so comfortable over there with him.

erm.  sounds like kyle is having a bad day..?

right.  i'm going to go check out locke's newest blog entry then go to bed.

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