new layout should be up in, say, a couple days.  by the end of the weekend at the latest.

and the animal shelter has yet to get back to me.

sadly, i fear i may have to get used to the disgusting taste of beer.  that's pretty much all there is in the fridge, since my roomies love their beer.  ooh, root beer.  i can drink that without flinching and/or gagging.

i found an old children's book that i brought with me.  love you forever.  it's such an adorable book; i love it.

because i'm sorry, too.

so, officially, my cousin kicks ass.  honestly, what is cooler than opening your inbox and finding out that your cousin has invited to you stay with her?  in fucking england!  hrm, now to just get back to her on that.  i'm so bad at replying to emails, aren't it?

i have a question.  so, i flipped open my bible today to a random page (yes, an atheist cracking open the bible.  i know some of you are in shock there.) and found it dealt with marriage and celibacy.  hrm.  so anyway, 1 cor 7:4 states that, the wife hath not power of her own body: but the husband.  and in like manner the husband also hath not power of his own body: but the wife.  so, my question is:  could the first sentence possibly be construed as support for anti-abortion laws?  as in, a woman does not have complete control over her own body?  now, seriously, i am in no way advocating that, just asking.  `cause we all know my pro-choice views, do we not?

Don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came
and while you're alive
experience the warmth
before you grow old

what springs to mind when you hear pro-choice or pro-life?  just sit and think for a moment.  almost without exception, when it comes to pro-lifers, pro-choice is pro-death, and pro-life is fuzzy happy images of smiling babies.  now, pro-life is indeed pro-life - for the fetus.  not the mother.  who gives a damn if some woman got knocked up, who cares if she wants or even has the means for the baby?  make her give birth!  and, of course, all us pro-choicers are nothing but baby-killers.  now let's think this over.  pro-choice has nothing to do with, "omg, let's kill all the babies!"  rather, it is about offering the option to women, the option to have an abortion, to give the baby up for adoption, to have the baby and keep it.  pro-life does not have the same care for the mother.  (this is, of course, in my damned liberal viewpoint.)  pro-life is a viewpoint with little to no respect for humankind, no matter what they say.

now.  let's pretend you are the president.  it is time to appoint someone for the fda's reproductive health drugs advisory committee.  in a position like that, you would want a person fair, logical, informed, right?  or would you choose a person that has a history of refusing contraceptives to unmarried women, and recommending bible scripture as a solution to pms?  someone that is staunchly anti-abortion (read:  stubbornly "pro-life").  guess what our president chose?  yes, this is old news.  but this is disturbing enough to make mention of still.

as anyone that talks with me knows, i have little to no respect whatsoever for our president.  i do not have respect for a man that won a large portion of his vote through the use of fear.  i cannot happily accept or condone someone that makes decisions that are based in religion to govern the whole of the nation.  a nation which does not have an official religion.  how can one abide by a law, created not through logic, but rather through religious doctrine?  christian conservatives, let me ask you.  suppose that our country made laws because the president, and most of his officials, were hindu.  could you abide by that?  could you happily sit on the sidelines if you were decreed unamerican, unpatriotic, immoral?  would you be fine with the fact that your choices are impeded by what hindi religion says?  we liberals, non-theists, non-christians live that daily.

president bush still speaks of amending the constitution to institute a ban on gay marriage.  i do not care where the he stands on civil unions.  civil unions are joke; they are not "seperate but equal."  mr. president, has not history shown that "seperate but equal" does not work?  a common, but false, argument is that by allowing gay marriage, churches will have to change their stance.  now, as happy as i would be for religion to do that, that is simply not true.  marriage is not just involving religion.  there are secular marriages.

now, what is the difference between marriage and civil union?  they are not even close to being similar.  it is purely something that sounds good, meant to assauge the anger of those that are fighting against the amendment.  here are but a few differences:  first off, civil unions actually only exist thus far in vermont.  they are only legal in vermont.  a civil union is recognized only in the state where it is performed, and in no other, whereas marriage is viewed as legal in all states.  partners, when filling out forms, cannot check either single or married.  misrepresent yourself and it is fraud, which can bring serious legal action.  and, "marriage brings with it at least 1,049 legal protections and responsibilities from the federal government, including the right to take leave from work to care for a family member, the right to sponsor a spouse for immigration purposes, and Social Security survivor benefits that can make a difference between old age in poverty and old age in security. Civil unions bring none of these critical legal protections."  (source)

"a president is impeachable if he attempts to subvert the constitution".
-- president james madison

vote fraud.  two words thrown around in the last presidential election.  two words that are coming back in this election.  did our president truly, fairly, win this time at least?  now, i don't know enough to say either way, but i am a tad suspicious.  some information:

• spoilage.  roughly 3% of votes are discarded.  imagine the impact this could have had in ohio - most of the votes tossed out were democratic.
• extreme differences between states' exit polls and machine tallys.
• florida's election results.
• fewer voting booths in areas with a high concentration of african americans, usually who are democrats.
• roughly 88,000 more votes than voters in palm beach county.
• columbus, ohio.  638 voters, yet bush recieved 4,258 votes.

listening to the downward spiral.  hasn't been one of my better days...  i'm half tempted to go down to pequot tonight, but that wouldn't do me any good, considering the fact i don't know if he'd appreciate me showing up and wanting to talk.  and also the fact i can't just go up and knock on the door or let myself in. or even call.  so, yeah, best to just stay here.

i think i much prefer my linux box to xp.  though i do need to install suse 9.2.  i'm getting fed up with mandrake.

a week old, but still interesting:  a blogger's personal encounter with the patriot act.

i got a sweet text message from kyle today.  the timing was crazy, because i was lying in bed thinking morbid thoughts, along with how i basically felt unlovable.  then, beep.  i check my phone, it says "i love you!! :o)" which made me smile.  whether he was drunk, meant it, or sent it to me accidently in place of someone else, i don't care.  it cheered me up.

ugh.  i'm sick of the nightmares i have every night.  well, every night i'm alone.  for some reason, if i'm curled up next to someone, i don't.  but this has been going on since early september.  nightmares of death.  every night.  i've been discussing it with lokmer.  he said it made sense how that nightmares stop with that, due to the touch... touch is a powerful thing, and nightmares like that scream lonliness and powerlessness - two things that touch helps dispell .  i wonder if i can talk to my landlady about the possibility of me having bella?  if i could just pay a bit more..?

i actually kind of like this photo, though i don't know why.  probably partly due to the fact that i never really smile or laugh enough anymore.  not enough, anyway.

so i have an offer to spend thanksgiving with lokmer, if i so desire.

so, yeah.  someone come cuddle with me.  i need it.

i danced today.  just now, actually.  i'm hot and sticky and slightly happier now.  i need to do that more often.

If I could walk away from me

this morning sucked, hardcore.  i woke up crying from a dream i had.  i don't want to get into it, for fear of sounding even more pathetic than i usually do.  but i ended up crying for half an hour after waking up.  then, when i was finally sort-of okay enough to actually get up, wham.  as soon as i had stood up, i fell onto my knees, trying not to scream out in pain thanks to the cramps from hell.

when we rise it's like strawberry fields

by the time i dragged myself up to a standing position, and was dressed, it was time for my hair appointment.  i got red highlights in (much more subtle than i wanted - oh well, i'll know for next time.) and a bit of a trim.  though the red is much less vibrant than what i wanted, i like this for now.  it gives my hair a more natural reddish hue, and it's subtle enough for me to get used to fine, rather than just jumping into a... fire-engine-red streaks, i guess.  and easier for my parents to get used to it this way, too, if they see it.

could you take my picture, `cuz i won't remember

once out of there, i made a quick run to wal-mart, just because i didn't feel like heading back home yet.  nothing too exciting was purchased - sweet pea shampoo and body wash, and some teeth whitening stuff.  just got out of the shower, drinking some chai...  and i actually feel somewhat pretty, for a change.  don't know why; could be just the fact that i finally changed something i wanted to (my hair) and i like it...  whatever is, i'm enjoying the feeling while it lasts.  i look vaguely retarded in the photo to the left, but ah well.  neither can you tell the highlights too well, but... meh.

i'm encountering... difficulties in the new layout.  troubles with php and css.  anyway.  i can't sleep.  and i'm lonely and craving a warm body next to me.  fuck...

the past 24 hours have been... worse than normal.  though one person did tell me, "you make my day happier you know :)" so that was kind of nice.  i was flipping through my recieved files earlier today, looking for something.  and it's crazy what i have in there.  bloopreel and scenes from a movie still in production, a few webcam shots, photos of oregon and a few people, 3d images in progress for a movie, music...  anyway.  a few hours after i got home last night, my psyche decided to kick my ass.  i reached a low i haven't been at for, well, months.

neil brought up an interesting argument the other day.  jesus did not fulfill the messianic prophecy.  the messiah was supposed to come from a certain lineage - abraham's, i think (forgive me, i forget which right now).  now, lineages in that time were paternal.  jesus was not actually the son of joseph - rather, he was born of mary, who was impregnated by the holy spirit.  thus, he was not a decesdent of joseph's lineage (which is needed to fulfill the prophecy).

god, my body and mind hurt.

so, yeah, the chimp is back in power.  hurrah, hurrah.

i actually did have a decent blog planned, but as soon as fingers hit keyboard, the thoughts fled like mice from a cat.  or something.  like deer into a car?  ah, yes, there's a better metaphor.

every time i think about college i cry now.

oops.  sorry, clarissa, didn't mean for the fire alarm to go off ... i have bad luck with ovens.

maybe i can just go marry a canadian and get the hell out of here.

have you noticed how some people seem to have it all together?  honestly, i'm envious of you guys.  in a ... good way, if that makes sense.  not in a, grrr, die bitches, i should be like that! kind of way.

so tocis referes to bush as "the shrub."  ha.  interesting name...  and gotta love the fact that almost the entire world hates him; almost all hoping kerry would win.

further prove that family knows little about me:  mark emailed me, asking if i would be interested in two tickets to steven curtis chapman.  i mean, i guess it's a nice thought and all, but i hoped my relatives knew me enough to not ask me if i want to go attend a christian concert.  i never wanted to do that when i was catholic, even.

should i switch to a php blog, that has comments?  or stick to this?  honestly, i really want opinions.  okay?

you know what?  fuck you, bush, and your "sanctity of marriage."  fuck you, conservative christians.  fuck you, north dakota, arkansas, georgia, utah, oregon, kentucky, oklahoma, michigan, montana, and mississippi.

we're turning into a goddamn theocracy.  give me one good logical reason why gays can't marry.  oh, because your god disaproves?  too fucking bad!  this is not how our country should be working!  don't fuck up people's lives just because you don't like it!  oh no, they're gay, them getting married is going to destroy the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.  a sanctity that doesn't even really exist anymore, in the land of 55 hour marriages!  fuck you, america!

atheism is not a fucking religion, people!  religion is Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe.  atheists don't believe in a supernatural power!  and it is not true that there are only public or christian schools.  there are jewish ones, i know.  there are probably muslim, i'm guessing.  there may be hindu, for all i know.  but, there are not just christian ones.

if bush wins, i'll cry.  i hate that man.  but i bet he wins.  our country is going to go to hell with him at the helm again.  currently, kerry 211, bush 249.

so val never called me back.  twice she was supposed to.  that kind of stings.

small-minded bigots, the lot of them.

bush currently leading.

i voted for kerry; i hope the majority did.  so far, bush has won three states, kerry one...  i so hope bush doesn't win.

this made me cry.  it's been a bad day.

sorry we never had a relationship, a relationship i think both of us craved.  you always wanted to be close to me.  i wanted a mother.  a father.  someone i could talk to, someone who could understand me.  life didn't work out that way, though.  we may be just too different, it may be religion.  who's to say.  as your daughter, i only wanted to be accepted for who i am.  i guess that will never happen, will it, no matter how much i desire it?  and i'm only here because i wanted to be a good daughter.  i don't care about my degree.  i've always been daddy's little girl, wanting to make you proud.  but what does it matter?  i don't care anymore, and so much of what i do disappoints you anyway.  i'm sorry.  but i can't handle this anymore, though.  i can't handle all the tears and stress that are so easily trigged now by your voice.  i don't want to live in fear of never getting your approval, of you looking down on so many things that define who i am.  especially my art.  i am proud of my poetry but i know that you two would never approve of it.  it's not the poetry that an innocent little girl would write.  i wish we got along, i really do.

leave me alone!  don't call me, don't talk to me.  have you any idea how much you contribute to my stress level?  meh, you don't care.  i'm your baby.  i don't like having to spend my whole life lying to you; don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.  i don't know what you saw, i don't know what you're thinking.  this can only go on just a little bit longer before i cut myself off totally from you.  i'll get a job, pay my rent.  screw college, it's not like i wanted to be here anyway.  you don't love me for myself anyway, you love an image you created.

so the halloween party was interesting.  there was one overly annoying drunk girl, however.  and one point she put her hand on my shoulder and peered down at me, attempting to make small talk.  it didn't work.  as she walked off, i muttered, "if she touches me again, i'll kill her."  zippy drank a ... butter and cheese shot.  something like that.  it was something and a slice of cheese.  we also got tina, the annoying drunk, to drink... something.  two different kinds of alcohol along with a slice of cheese and a cracker.  there may have been sausage, too, i don't remember.  i drank a bit, but not enough to really feel anything.  spent the night curled up in the computer room next to draven, where he hogged the blanket for most of the night.  came home to find that my parents had dropped off dishes, two rocking chairs, a table and chairs, bookshelf, and some food.  turns out they didn't find anything 'incriminating,' so all is good.

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