i'm making a st. cloud run today to pick up some sheet music; no one around here has what i want.  i was surfing musician's friend today, and i came across this and thought of zippy :).

If we help each other out along the way
Then maybe everything will be OK
Who decides if you'll succeed?
Who decides those things you want and need?

Looking back on all those years
All the smiles and all the tears
i never want those memories to fade
What we have done what can we do
We search our whole life for the truth
For always and always and always

I know sometimes well disagree
But no one here can absolutely see
Were just learning as we go
There's nothing in this world we just dont know

Honestly not interested

--"for always", mxpx.  yay for the class of 2003.

i'm bored and lonely; i have no clue what to do with myself right now.  i've been surfing musician's friend for guitars, as the acoustic i have is really not the greatest.  i found one that i really want:  a TCY10 Talman acoustic-electric guitar.

i'm scared to go back to wal-mart for a few days.  val and i got bored, and i decided that it would be fun to fill up a cart with crap and then just leave it.  i feel kinda bad about it, now, though.  we had all kinds of random stuff in it:  a huge bra, fluffy black slippers, baby's shorts, thongs, pillow cushion, shower curtain, bright pink towel, nail polish, tampons, a khaki hat, a wall clock, leopard-print candle, and so much more that i don't remember right now.  we then ditched the cart in the baby's clothing section, and casually (but quickly!) booked it out of wal-mart.

okay, i am seriously pissed now.  what makes her think that she has the right to just invade my personal space, to go through my closet?  what goes through her mind?  this isn't like two years ago, when yeah, maybe she could have had a reason to do this.  but i'm not like that anymore and she trusts me.  this is bothering me now.  i'm wide awake with nothing to do.  i can't practice guitar, not with my my aunt, uncle, and parents asleep in various parts of the house.  what to do...

quick blog before the relatives start to appear.  so val and i are doing something... no idea what, though.  i wonder if blayne is up for something, too?  graduation tonight.  whoo.  i'm not actually looking forward to the ceremony, but who cares.  so long as i recieve my diploma i'm happy.  thirteen years of hell are culminating in this one hour ceremony tonight.  erm.  i need to really start playing guitar again.  travis wants me to be in his band.  der.  i can play acoustic guitar, but... how well can i really play it?  the weird thing is, he wants me to play acoustic, and someone else to play electric.  obviously i can play electric also, but ah well.  i don't care; i prefer acoustic anyway.

poor blayne.  it's so funny though:  yesterday when he came in there were a zillion people.  today, ivan came in and, thus, donna had to tell blayne that he had to leave.  the whole 'no-loitering' thing, y'know.  donna herself doesn't care if blayne stays there for a while.  just not when the manager walks in.  speaking of, that reminds me.  justin talked to me today, and we may start carrying bawls.  that would rock.  i snagged one of the bawls out of my drunk and gave it to him, so that he could taste it, etc.  i was going through my cds and i 'rediscovered' garbage.  i love shirley manson's voice, as well as her lyrics... yay for garbage.  after work, val and i called blayne to see where he was.  i think the actual term we used, however, was "stalk".  we were bored.  unfortunatly, he was at home, and thus was much too far for us to drive.  um... yeah.  my mind is shot, i woke up much too early today.  blog done, and now off to other vaguely interesting activities... oder etwas.

how can people not be able to differentiate between communism and atheism?  geez...

bah.  travis just called.  we were going to go to the college today to pick up the books we needed for class.  he decided to eschew it today, as he's not feeling the best.  there's only a couple more days to go... i need that book.  thing is, i hate going by myself.  but now i'll have to, since i'm not willing to wait `til the last minute.  too, he asked me if i worked tonight.  that was odd.  he knows all the nights that i work.

mom decided to drench me with holy water because she thought it would be funny, and now as i type this, water is slowly dripping into my eyes.  but that's okay, because dad came home tonight, and announced that work is giving him one of these, and he's going to give it to me.  i'm highly excited; these look like fun.  that, and i get it free!  whoo.

holy crap, what a bizarre night it has been.  i remember i got to work and just a few minutes into the shift, i remarked to sarah, "this is going to be a weird night.  i don't know why, but it is going to be."  and wow, was i ever right.  i should probably attempt to get some sleep - at least before three or so - because i have to make a clc run tomorrow.  my eyes hurt.  anyway, yeah, back onto the subject of work tonight.  however, this is just going to be a short blog... anyway.  blayne came into work today and i felt kinda bad, actually.  the store was pretty dead up until the moment that he came into the store.  that's when everyone else felt that they had to buy lots of groceries.  so the entire time that blayne was there, it was uber-busy.  as soon as he left, everyone else did too.  oh, the bitter, bitter irony.  donna attempted to talk to him a bit, though i'm not sure how he felt about that.  donna's probably used to travis, who's always like "how's it going, donna!", as compared to blayne who just stands there.  speaking of travis, he too came in tonight.  he wasn't in the store overly long, just long enough to show me two songs he's written and see if i wanted to go down to the college tomorrow and pick up our books.  and i got home.  my phone was on silent and it wasn't until i escaped to my room that i noticed that someone had called.  specifically, blayne called.  he wanted to go for a cruise.  i, on the other hand, wanted to eat and change out of my work clothes before anything else.  all i wanted was just half an hour... so he said he'd pick me up at 11:00.  he was right on time, i was surprised.  that was fun.  we cruised around for roughly an hour and 15 minutes, oder etwas.  yay.

yay for matchbox twenty.  i can listen to their cds over and over, and never get sick of them.  i truly hope that they do tour again in the fall so that val and i can go.  der!  why does this computer keep locking up?  every once in a while, it does this for like three days straight, then is fine for a month or two.  i just don't get it.  i really don't want to work tonight.  i work with sarah (who doesn't really talk...) and andy.  mm, highly exciting.  i wonder if blayne will come in tonight at 9:58?  i'd bet on it.  it drives me crazy, yet it's so funny at the same time...  i'm thinking i should get outside for at least a little bit today.  i seriously need to do that, as much as i would like to hide out here in my room.  ;D  anyway, i still need to find someone to do something with on friday after graduation.  val says she's going to try to keep that night open, but who knows...  holy babbling today, phoenix.  i can't stick with one subject at all and keep bouncing around!  ah well.

it truly does feel like summer right now.  no school and it's boiling hot... whoo.  where is everyone?  they can't be sleeping, can they?  i'm wide awake right now.  val left at one, so i'm all alone with no one to talk to.  we had so much fun tonight.  i especially liked it when we were coming home from wal-mart at midnight, and i spilled peach-mango water all over me, making it look like i peed all over myself.  it was hilarious.  outside it was hailing, and that was fun, too.  it was kind of like a really weird ride, oder etwas.  i swear, it gets hotter and hotter in here every night...  or i'm just uber-sensitive to weather.

where is everyone?  i'm feeling social and i'm bored out of my mind.  ever since the last day of school i've been feeling social.  how odd is that?  val is coming over; i'm so glad i have her to talk to.  a girl needs at least one girl friend.  it's funny, though, how different we are.  we're basically total opposites.  i don't know what i'd do without her, however.  kyle, steph, and i made a run to spirits today so that i could buy another case of bawls.  i get there, and ask the guy if they have any cases left.  the man replies in the affirmative, then adds, "shawn said you'd probably be in."  i don't know, maybe you had to be there.  the three of us laughed pretty hard, though.  i need to do something friday since i'm not going to gradblast.  so, that narrows my options down to about three whole people.  travis probably won't want to do anything.  i'm not sure yet if val is open.  or, i could do something with blayne...

so i get to work today, see andy, say hi.  then the following conversation ensued (of which i'm only going to post a few lines; i don't want to delve into the whole thing...):  "hey, phoenix.  ..so what about you and blayne?"  "what about me and blayne?"  "are you two going out?  jake said you guys were dating."  "what?"  and yeah.  i'm not going to divulge the rest of our rather odd conversation...

holy, i am going to be so fat.  i bought a pack of oreos this morning shortly after i woke up.  like, 11:30 or so.  (i didn't sleep until 5:30!).  i've eaten way too many of them...  phoenix is such a fat cow.  oh, and i bought a 12-pack of dr. pepper, which i've hidden away in my room, under the pretense that this way i won't have to go downstairs and wake up my parents whenever i get thirsty.  or so i tell myself.

can we say "blog whore"?  i'm blogging, with nothing to blog about.  crap, it's hot in here.  i'm listening to chumbawamba - "amnesia" right now.  yay for chumbawamba.  i do blog a lot, don't i?  val was right.  hrm, no one is talking on irc, yet someone is pinging me.  who else is awake at this hour?  this is great.  holy condensed books.

four legs good, two legs bad.

whoo, i am so wired.  it's probably due to the fact that i consumed two bawls in under thirty minutes, eh?  but all's good.  i've been feeling social lately; that's rather odd, actually.  i was thinking, blogs can be a scary thing.  lately i've been scared (well, kind of) of knowing who reads this, because i really don't want to offend people.  but then again, a blog isn't really a blog without honesty.  wow, this room is really hot right now.  i'm sitting here with the fan going, the window cracked open, (three computers running - ah well) and i'm in shorts and a spagetti strap.  holy.  good thing the webcams aren't running.

doublethink, blayne, doublethink.  that's the only thing i can think of to explain my position.  'i'm all for the legalization of marijuana, yet i am a bit leery of you doing it.  whoa, i did not know that a caffeine overdose even has it's own name:  caffeinism.  oh, and one of the side effects is sleep problems:  "Heavy users may also experience sleep disturbances; however, their increased tolerance to the effects of caffeine affects their perceptions of disturbed sleep.  Often they sleep for shorter periods of time, but have grown accustomed to this pattern."  whistle, whistle.  info gleaned from erowid.

well, i got three hours of sleep.  i forgot i had to be up at eight this morning.  ah well.  only trouble is, i attempted to put my contacts in and it freaking hurt.  my eyes are uber-sensitive today.  so, screw the contacts.  i still haven't put them in, and needless to say, i still can't see.  but yeah, my eyes are so sensitive right now i spent the entire time in church with my eyes closed, because it was too bright for me.  that's kind of pathetic, actually.  so i'm locking myself in my room until it gets dark again so i don't have to deal with the light anymore today.  i wonder what everyone is doing tonight; i want to do something.  val's working, and is probably too tired later.  hrm.  i wonder if travis or blayne is up to anything?  oder etwas.

heh, yay for chumbawamba.  i'm not sure what to do with myself right now.  i keep checking the irc logs, to see if anyone of interest is on.  nope.  i should read, do something.  actually, i just feel like being with someone right now.  there's about three people i want to call, but one i know is asleep and the other two i'm not sure of.  bah, i want to do something!  i'm bleeding again.  ah well, it's just a finger this time.  anyway, i got a couple of months archived.  i'm attempting to find all the others.  this would rock.  i want one.  now.  i'm listening to "paperdoll" by kittie right now.  i haven't heard this song for roughly two years.  they never play it on the radio.  i love this song, even if the lyrics are a tad... morbid, oder etwas:

I look at her in that paper dress
I wonder why she won't burn
She's just a paperdoll, that's all
Just a paperdoll

I dress her up, she knocks me down
I dress her up, she knocks me down

They try her on for size
She fits nice, one size fits all
They try her on for size
She fits nice, one size fits all

Now her soul is dead
Now her body's raw
You can numb her pain

Watch the blood run down her face
But don't take notice
Watch the blood run down her arms
Please don't take notice

I know you have her soul
I see it in your eyes
She knows you have her soul
She sees it in your eyes

Now her soul is dead
Now her body's raw
You can numb her pain

She wants you to eat her pain
She wants you to eat her remains
She wants you to eat her pain
She wants you to eat her remains

Now her soul is dead
Now her body's gone
Wash away her pain

well, i see bush got his beloved tax cut approved.  hrm...

i've already started my messed-up sleeping schedule.  i didn't get up until 1:45 today.

last night rocked.  i'm still a bit out of it and not really in the mood to write, so here's just a quickie.  josh, blayne, and i went into town to go eat at appleebees (where i saw my trig teacher..hrm.) and then drove around for a few minutes.  at one point, there were two girls in a car behind us.  josh said something, and i replied, "what?  am i just supposed to sit here while you guys make out with two strangers?" simultaneously they both replied, "yes".  that was hilarious.  um, yeah.  i'm still not quite myself.  one girl from school checked my eyes to see if i was stoned, if only because blayne was informing those around us that i was tripping.  josh is stronger than i thought.  we were mock-fighting, when he picked me up and spun me around a couple of times.  that was fun.  i was sitting on the hood of my car and began to laugh (which i did pretty much all night; i probably seemed drunk at times), my head went down, and i broke a windshield wiper.  oops.  and... yeah.  more later, when i can actually concentrate on something.  last night was so much fun, though...  we should do it again sometime.

i walked into my closet today, and i noticed the little white box.  i thought about that necklace; i haven't looked at it for almost three months now.  i loved that necklace, i still do...  i still miss him so much...

so yeah.  another strange day.  but i'm happy:  only three more hours left of high school.  and blayne?  you better sign my yearbook!  i'll even give up caffeine for a freaking week!  whoa, that'd be difficult... wow, i'm wired.  i just had one of those fabulous xtz mints.  mmm, chocolate covered caffeine warnings, basically.  yum.  i guess matchbox twenty is having a second leg of their tour in fall.  that would rock.  time to give even more of my money to them.

honestly, why do i let stupid stuff like that bother me?  he's my best friend.  that's all, yes?  yes...

so anyway, i guess my workplace has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy.  does that mean a raise is out of the question?  i guess two people got fired, also, and two people are quitting.  wow, we have an insane turnover rate.  it's rare that anyone stays for more than a couple months.  i cannot believe that i have been there for over two years now.

i was talking to marsha today, ignoring my better judgement.  she's your typical teenage girl, and that bothers me.  frankly, it's a bit scary, and it makes me glad that i'm not an average teen girl.  she attempted to talk to me about make-up.  that conversation went nowhere.  then guys.  she's under the misguided assumption that any guy that talks to her for more than five minutes must want to date her.  that she would think that depresses me.  no wonder she's so awkward with any member of the male gender.  i don't know how many boyfriends she's had; i don't want to know.  however, she was telling me about the last one.  he dumped her, she cried for a day, and a week later she was over him.  i don't want to be like that.

i just realized how violent my mood swings are.  anyway.  i just woke up again.  i fell asleep shortly after the last blog.  i'm sick; it hurts to sit here, but it hurts even more to lay down.  my stomach hurts so bad.  need bawls.  ...must not throw up...

i'm sucking down the caffeine, in an effort to help me study/concentrate for my trig final tomorrow.  i stopped by the coffee shop after school, and they have a whole crapload of the mints again.  so i bought three, which was all i could afford, even at $0.50 each.  i just finished a bottle of bawls, and i have a dr. pepper sitting right next to me, at the moment.  this is funny...

the hard thing about blogging is that you have to write knowing that other people read your works.  and you must also write like no one is reading.  on the up-side today, i talked them out of bringing me to the doctor.  i'm just not sure yet that that was a wise move, but who cares, i hate the doctor.  i've been light-headed lately, on the verge of passing out quite frequently, just like i used to do.  and last night my stomach hurt so bad, i cried.  let's get this straight:  i never cry about physical discomfort; i'm strong in that sense.  so the pain was horrible.  nothing could touch the skin or i'd freak out.  wow, i'm craving salsa right now.  i'm not eating sweet stuff for a long time, methinks.  that only seemed to aggravate my problems.  time to go back to my diet of veggies, fruits, and grains, like i did this fall.

it's weird when i think about the people in my life.  granted, i have friends.  but only a few of those are what i would consider true friends, that is, people i truly open myself up to.  and of those three or four true friends, there are only two that i truly love.  i would die for those people.  i don't know if they know it or not, but that doesn't matter.  more than anything, i want them to be happy.  i would rather them be happy than me, if that's ever a choice that would be offered to me.

Sing as though no one can hear you
Dance as if no one were watching
Love as if you've never been hurt
Live as though heaven is on earth

what a day.  i'm so angry at travis right now.  he's not coming to graduation.  c'mon, is it really that big of a deal?  just take a freaking hour off from work, it's not that bad.  i'm your friend; can't you at least do this for me?  i would do it for you, you bastard.

again, i repeat, it's been a weird day.  i came home from school to discover that my aunt is in jail.  for a felony.  a felony that is not, technically, a felony.  her two kids are at home, alone.  her husband is living with the woman that he's having an affair with.  for just a second today, she lost it, and went over there and slapped the woman.  so her husband and the woman are pressing charges.  assault and battery.  so now she's in jail while danielle and michael sit at home, alone.  i would give anything to be there for danielle right now.  i cannot imagine how she's feeling.  but she's in sartell, and i'm stuck here...