i'm bored and lonely.  i'd call locke, but i don't know if he's with his friends or not.  i haven't seen him for a few days and i miss him.  and... here's another thing i stumbled across.  i want to know how i find this kind of stuff.  and i really wish i had something interesting to say, but i don't.  i went grocery shopping - for $9.45, i got healthy food that should last me somewhere around 15 meals.  i have a shirt hanging off the back of my chair, and everytime i touch it, i keep thinking that it's bella kitty.  oh, i saw a bulldog puppy today at target.  since when do they allow animals in there?  anyway, it was adorable.  blah, i'm currently listening to the clash, and trying to find something interesting to do.  i've spent the last few hours researching various things, such as abortion.  i've been reading both sides to it and, like most other things in life, both sides are fascinating.  god, i sound like a freak.  i'm not sure how to fix this so i don't sound like a sadist.  i just think everything in life is interesting, and i should know as much as i can about as much as i can.  so yeah.  i'm wide-awake, bored, and i miss my boyfriend.  and maybe i should quit whining.  hrm, i need more self-control so that i can quit eating.  i've been eating too much lately.  i've been meaning to read some gnostic texts.  i found some, but i lost them - then again, it won't take long to hunt them down again.  i also mean to start reading the satanic bible.  i'm not very stressed right now, which is surprising.  i think i got rather used to a state of perpetual stress.  this is kind of nice.  i'm babbling so i'll shut up for now, but honey?  you should give me a call if you read this.  i just want to see you.

my psychologist probably hates me by now.  this is the second time in a row i've forgotten that i've had an appointment with her.  i haven't seen her in over a month.  i'm bored out my mind and unsure what to do.  hrm.  i think locke and i should take more walks, like we used to.  that was always fun.  or just go sit by the lake and talk or something.  but i want to start getting outside more.  and i also want fish.  heh, i honestly do.  i'm a little hurt right now that val still hasn't called me, as she said she would once she gets down to texas.  however, she did call my parents to let them know she got there okay.  what the fuck?  they were the only people she's called so far, too.  my scanner is broken, and since my parents have two at home, dad offered me one of them.  mom got all pissy about it until dad told her one of them isn't even used.  i woke up crying this morning, and i'm not totally sure why.  i remember dreaming about babies, though.  i visited bella kitty tonight for well over an hour, which was great.  she purred almost the entire time i held her, and i wore her out playing with her.  when she got real tired, she walked around the couch, jumped onto the ottoman, and crashed there.  she was so cute.  do you ever get that intense feeling where you love someone so much you just want to hug them so hard and never let go?  does that even make sense?  ah, i wish locke was here.  i really wish i could just curl up with him right now, and just... be.  but he's with his friends, so that's good for him.  mom got all disgusted when she found out i'll be working sundays.  meh.  dad just shot her a look and she shut up.  she has yet to comment on my lack of church attendence, however.  ow... i think i have a sore on my tongue...

well, i have two jobs now.  yay for phoenix.  i'll finally have a source of income again!  whoohoo.  the owner of the gas station seems quite nice.  i start work there on tuesday.  two weeks after that, i start my other job.  i've been in a good mood almost all day.  even my landlord bitching at me for my parking job (and making me do it over, and over) didn't spoil it.  i even did some laundry today - phoenix being somewhat productive.  wow.  and i'm still in a good mood, even though i have the cramps from hell and i passed out soon after getting off the phone with locke.  i had a strange dream last night.  i dreamt of wandering around a surrealistic wal-mart with bella on my shoulders.  we were trying to decide what fish to buy.

my ass hurts.

Hey Phoenix, thanks!
As soon as I figure out what being a member of the Unholy Army entails I'll hook you up.
Thank you for the pics. You're darling.
Bob

i have a job interview tomorrow.  if i get that job, i'd have two jobs, and one guarenteed source of income.  whoo, i'm getting addicted to "precious things" by tori amos again.  that song kicks ass.  i ran home today to pick up some stuff to liven up by bare white walls.  dad was home, and he looked... uncomfortable.  there were tubes hooked up to him.  he came down the stairs, wearing sweatpants and a few clear tubes poking out the top, with a huge bulge in his crotch.  i don't even want to think about how and where all that stuff is hooked up to.  oh, and yes, i have red hair in the photo to the left.  it was spiked, but after i threw on a hat and took that off later, my hair was flattened down.  yeah, i should have taken a picture beforehand, but i didn't think about it.  anyway.  i saw bella kitty, which is always nice.  i also grabbed a wolf poster i had, as well as a poster that dad had when he was in college.  ...mmm, chocolate mint dilly bars.  life is good.

it is a bad idea to blog while shaving.  i have the gash on my ankle to prove it.  dad went to the e.r. again last night, and this morning had surgery.  they don't tell me anything else, really.  so hopefully he's okay. nbsp;val's gone, off in texas now.  i saw her yesterday - we hugged goodbye, she took off, and as i walked back to my apartment i kept looking back.  i got a job, though.  i work a minimum of 40 hours a week, and pay is on commision.  it doesn't start until june 14, however.  and i narrowly got out of another speeding ticket.  i think the cop took pity on me for some reason.  thank god.  i don't even remember what town that was in.  locke and i were coming back from st. cloud.  we had wandered barnes & noble and the mall, and then had gone out to eat.  um.  i'll elaborate later.  i should be at boyfriend's house soon...

i hear what sounds like a cat outside my window.  that makes me sad, and i miss bella kitty all the more.  hrm.  i wonder if one of these days locke wants to go with me to buy some fish?  i'm sick of being the only living thing in my apartment.  so dad went to the emergency room again.  again, they won't tell me what's going on - just something with the prostate.

had an interesting conversation with journey, since i'm so stupid i don't even know street names in the town i live in.  it's good to know that she's alive, though.

locke and i checked out blayne's new house last night, when we went to the little lan.  wow, blayne's hair has gotten long.  he would kill me for saying this, but... when you view him from the side, he looks like jesus.  the goatee, the shoulder-length hair...

locke and i slept late today.  i think.  my sense of time is really messed up now, but that's okay.  he and i went off to china buffet, where locke laughed at my inability to cut food.  it's hard cutting brocoli (however you spell it) with a fork!  but it was quite good, at any rate.  i haven't eaten there for... well, almost a year, i think.  locke looked good, even though his clothing was, well, different.  he had on his gray dickies, a black tee, his black 'goth shirt' over that, red spiked hair, and a sexy red and black tie.  anyway, afterwards we went for a drive.  we found a cow that was really close to the car, but before we could get a shot, it meandered off.  too bad; i wanted to go out there and pet it and converse with it.  um.  locke picked me some flowers which he laughed at me for, also.  i kept sticking my face in them and smelling `em.  at one location, we stopped and locke wanted to take some photos.  he got ready and posed, while i took the photos.  self portrait, i think, turned out to be the best.

jim gave me a call after graduation, just to say hi and let me know how it went.  a few minutes after i got off the phone with him, travis called.  we only talked for about a minute (val told travis to call me for some reason), as i really didn't want to talk to him.  and then there was jesk, asking for photos of my "sweet ass".  and this is just odd...
<Jesk> so your single then?
<phoenix> um, no. what gave you that idea?
<Jesk> hehehe
<Jesk> you got a pic posted somewhere...?
<Jesk> who you with?
<phoenix> locke!
<Jesk> oh I see
<phoenix> lol, i thought you knew that...
<Jesk> somehow, I thought you two'd broke up
<Jesk> so you got a pic posted somewhere?
<phoenix> um, somewhere.
<phoenix> why?
<Jesk> just so liquid knows who you are when he meets you!@

i have no job.  i have no degree.  i didn't graduate.  i fucking failed a class and i don't know what to do.  of course, no sympathy from my boyfriend.  he just told me to get rid of my cell phone.  because that will fix everything goddamn thing.  i am fucking miserable and close to breaking down.  my emotional state is unbalanced.  far too unbalanced.  i cry at everything.  and locke doesn't understand.  not at all.  i feel so completely and utterly alone.  when someone is this miserable, don't tell them to just go kill themselves or that you won't see them for a week because you don't want to.  never underestimate the impact of words.  i'm fucked, i can't tell my family, but i have to, and i'm not getting any emotional support from the one i would hope i would get it from.  i hate myself.

those nights with locke have spoiled me; i would much rather curl up with him at night than be by myself.  i was starting to get used to it.  i still have no job, and it's starting to worry me a bit, but hopefully i'll find one quickly.  my poor, small, little kitchen.  now that the microwave is in, there's no room for a toaster.  and no room for dishes to dry.  so, dishes go on top of the fridge and the bookshelf.  the toaster may have to sit in a cupboard, and be plugged in whenever i want to use it.  in less than a week, val will be in texas.  that's crazy.  i am a little hurt by her, though.  i'm supposed to be her best friend, and she asked me what i was doing tomorrow, because "kassy has plans."  thanks.  probably the last day i can see you, and you only want to do something because your cousin is busy.

it feels weird to blog again.  i finally got internet access today, so i'm happy.  didn't have it for about a week, which meant i had to sort through 300 emails.  fun, fun.  i don't even know where to begin about this past week, so i'll just hit some of it.  i guess dad was brought to the e.r. last night.  they didn't even tell me - i got it from val.  dad wasn't planning on telling me, i had to ask.  something about a prostate infection.  hrm, that sounds happy.  the past couple nights i've slept over at locke's.  i think it was two nights...  i don't recall.  couple nights ago i had a vodka sour with him, and to my surprise, i didn't even get buzzed.  i did get a slight headache, though, and turned down an offer for another one.  mom seems to think that i'm doing meth, but that's okay.  she seems to have a warped view of me anyway.  turns out she's been driving by my apartment looking to see if my car is there.  needless to say, i was none too happy to find that out.  dad and i ended up driving around for three hours discussing the situation between mom and i.  it has reached the point where she is not allowed any contact with me (she can send letters, though) and she cannot drive by the apartment.  then at locke's, when i woke up i informed him that i had a strange dream:  that he was talking about getting married.  he told me that wasn't a dream.  i'm still trying to figure that out.

this is my third night in my new apartment, and it will be the first night that i'll be sleeping alone.  the last two nights locke has been over.  the first night here, i invited him over and we just relaxed and watched south park - i actually had a few episodes that he hasn't seen yet.  last night locke crashed here after a party.  it was so nice curling up with him and falling asleep.  not much is better than sleeping next to another warm body.  i'm not used to living alone...  i'm a bit lonely.  val was supposed to come over tonight - well, i thought so, at least.  but she didn't show up, didn't even call.  i'll probably call the guys tomorrow.  hrm.  i kind of miss going on those drives with locke.  and i miss bella kitty.  i don't know what to do with myself right now, as i am sick of unpacking, and i have no internet, and i'm lonely.  i've spent the last hour or two reading the case against god, which is pretty interesting.  once i set up my webcam, i'll post some pictures of my new living quarters.  i still don't know what's going on with my employment.  blah, why bother blogging when i won't have internet until, at least, wednesday?

congratulations, phoenix.  the more you try and please people, the more you make yourself miserable.  i'm sorry this is a self-pitying blog, but i do need to vent.  when i got home today, mom pissed me off, and i went upstairs, locking her out.  when dad came to talk to her, i left to go for a drive.  "i hate you, i fucking hate you!  this is all going to hell and i'm always going to be fucked!"  i screamed, sobbing so violently that barely half of the words were coherent.  one step forward, two steps back.  for every thing good that comes my way, there is double the pain to accompany it.  since i got a fucking apartment in town, mom told val "now i can go drive by and see if locke is there."  fuck you, mom, fuck you.  thinking about this made me realize something, though.  i'd probably be seeing locke at night.  now, there are a few places to park there... is she going to drive in the parking lot to find his car?  and, of course, there's always the days when i can be with locke at his place, too.  it's just... god, i am so pissed and frustrated.  mom's been bitching at me about renter's insurance, as well as jobs.  i can't fucking help what's going on there about that.  not my fault they forgot to fill out paperwork...  and right now tears are in my eyes, which seems to be a perpetual thing nowadays, eh?  and i missed my psychologist appointment.  i know what i'm supposed to do, but i'm so scared.  my family is nothing anymore, and money is just money.  so why am i so terrified?

i got the network up and running again, finally.  the apartment people better call tomorrow.  my parents are sure that i'll get it, but i don't know.  i didn't need a co-signer, which i think is good.  i'm just worried that my lack of credit and the whole best buy thing is going to fuck this up.  but i'll hope for the best.

i really didn't do much at all today.  i attempted a bit more job hunting, after i stormed out of the house.  mom also said that she would stop talking to me until i move out, if that will help my depression.  argh, i hope the apartment people call tomorrow.  and i want to see locke.  ...who mentions on his blog that he masturbates, due to the fact i don't come over much.  or, as he put it, "never cums over".  he says it's a typo, but i'm not sure i believe him.  anyway.  things aren't too interesting right now.  all i can do is sit around and wait for the apartment to call me back, telling me if i get the efficiency or not.

good god, i'm never going to escape.  today has been absolutely shitty, almost soley thanks to my parents.  i had the apartment key in my hand.  i had dropped off much of my stuff.  i ran home to finish packing stuff into my car, but took a short break to go to breezy with val.  and then it all goes downhill from there.  mom called the landlord and cancelled.  apparantly, she talked with a friend of hers, who said that people do drugs there.  so mom decided that i was not to live there.  yeah, i'm so happy she decided for me...  so i scream and cry and all those happy things, just breaking down.  i don't even know if locke has seen me cry that hard.  mom dragged dad out of a meeting to come home, which he later told me if he loses his job it's my fault.  when i was crying, he told me to shut up.  we went back to the landlord, where mom tried to get the $25 application fee back.  she and the guy argued about that.  spittle flying, the landlord screamed "if you stop payment on that check, i'll see you in court!"  i bawled as dad drove my car around, since no one considered me fit to drive.  they wasted half a tank of gas, and gas is fucking expensive now.  i don't have money for this...  it's all my fault if dad loses his job, moves out, mom goes insane, and i end up in an instition.  how the hell does that work?  they're sick of me, that much i can tell.  and now it looks like no matter what, i'll be paying for college.  they said if i get a speeding ticket, that's it, they're cutting me off.  shit... they better not find out.  they promised me to get me an apartment in the morning.  i don't believe them.  i don't trust their promises anymore.  later i left to go meet locke.  i needed and wanted to see him so badly.  and when i got home, i got grilled.  they demanded to know where i was, and who i was with.  was i with locke?  no.  was i with any of his friends?  no.

so much for daddy's little girl.  i loathe my family.

miracle pill won honorable mention in a small writing contest.  and... i did have more to say, but i don't recall what it was.  moving day tomorrow, then my final final.  ...that looks odd.  last final.  there, that's better.  there's a couple people i need to get ahold of, which i should do tomorrow.  ha, no more mass, or rosary...  i'm happy about that.  one woman from the church gave me a statue of mary that is a rosary holder.  mom wants me to bring it with, but i'll leave it here.  it was the thought that counts, really...  awww, i'm going to really miss bella kitty...

i was planning on blogging last night, but a damn virus kept me from it.  i had some variation of the w32.goabot.  according to one program that i have, it had opened over 2000 ports...  oh, yay.  so i closed those, and all is fine for now.  i didn't do too much yesterday.  jim, val, and i decided to go to applebees (well, they decided, and told me we were going later) and then off to wal-mart so val could pick up shaving cream, which mom stole from her.  at the restaurant, the waitress asked to see jim's id, and when she handed it back to him, she called him "james".  val and i laughed, repeating that.  it just sounded weird to hear him called that.  jim retorted by calling val "valerie."  smugly, i crowed that they couldn't do the same to me.  grinning, in unison, they spoke "brittany!"  this is going to sound really, really stupid, but know what i want to do sometime when i have some spare cash lying around?  yeah, besides getting a rat, i want to get an ankh tatoo on the small of my back.  hrm.  happy mother's day.  i'm going to be offline for a few days until i can get internet access at my apartment.  bah.  journey, i'd love it if you'd give me a call sometime... and if you lost my number again, contact locke.

i'm so frustrated i want to scream.  we loaded my shit into the car and took off to the apartments, because i was supposed to sign the lease and move in today.  no.  miscommunication, apparantly.  we can't sign because the guy was gone, so i'll have to sign and move in on monday.  so we had to haul all my crap back home...  i'm quite frustrated, and mom didn't help anything.  she seemed incapable of understanding that i was going to take more than one trip to grab everything.  argh, i have stuff from bemidji to fill out, too, which i've been putting off.  and... i'm going to shut up and blog later.

this is my last day at home.  i've been packing like crazy, and mom keeps wanting to give me more and more stuff.  argh.  tomorrow i'm going to ask if i can have a rat at the apartments, too, as that would kick ass.  so much to do, so little time.  val and i ran into phil last night, whic was interesting.  i haven't seen him for a while.  we talked for a few minutes.  i guess he's going to be a manager at a convienence store.  fun, fun.  i think i might have found someone to buy my guitar...  and i got $83 for my college books.  yay for running around like crazy.  i have to finish packing, give a friend a call, and... try to hold onto my sanity.  wish me luck.

one of my shirts smells strongly of locke, so i'm curling up with that right now.  i haven't made too much progress packing.  shame on me.  i stopped in to see locke today, and we laid outside on the grass for a bit, where he attempted to get me to flash people, as well as stick dandelions in various facial orifices.  and as much as i loathe to admit it, he did make some good points.  but i reacted bitchily and got quite pissed at him for saying such [can i blame the birth control pills for my bitchiness?]  he told me that i'm too materialistic, because i really don't want to give up either my cell phone or internet access when i move out.  i scanned through all my old blogs today, mainly searching out those that i mentioned locke in.  aww.  and...  i'mm tired, so short blog.  i ran into travis today at sa, and we talked for a few minutes.

wow, jonathon's voice has gotten deeper since the last i've seen him.  he gave me a futon and a small little table today for my apartment.  his stance, the dog tags, and his tatoo reminded me of josh, val's husband.  it still seems strange to me that jonathon is married and has a kid, and he's younger than i am.  val gave me some dishes, an iron, and ironing board, and... something else, i think.  my god, i'm wired right now.  part of it is excitement, part of it is caffeine.  i haven't had much caffeine for so long [that's got to be a shock to the guys.  remember senior year and my addiction?].  i've been taking a ton of tests online, and i am supposed to write something, but... fuck it.  i think i can pass the class with out it.  i hope, i hope.  god, i'm terrified of moving out, but also thrilled as hell.  i've been trying to figure out what to bring with me.  photos, definatly.  of locke, bella kitty, and val.  heh, i'm pathetic, aren't i?  wow, jme, that's fucked up...  oh, that reminds me of a few things i wanted to share, but kept forgetting to link:  exploding penis and baby soup.  heh, it's gotten to the point where locke seems hesitant to view the links i send him.  of course, after some of the things, can't say i blame him.  i got my hair cut today, isn't that exciting?  no?  yeah, it really isn't that exciting.  i'm not sure i like it...  then again, it's my own fault.  i told karen to do whatever she wanted to my hair.  ha, i'm moving out!  i'm probably going to defiantly need two jobs, but that's okay.  i am so excited.  but i'm going to miss bella!  as weird as this sounds, i cry thinking about that.  locke, you may have to comfort me.  heh...  i'm still hoping for the job at hart, though.

fuck you all.  i'm bitter as hell and tears are silently sliding down my cheeks.  i'm calling the guy at the apartments tomorrow.  even if i don't get in full time at my job, i can always get a second job.  i don't care.  dad and i talked, and we were fine.  he's a bit upset that we don't think the same anymore, though, and that i seem "illogical" and think more with emotion than logic.  maybe.  but i hope not.  mom is much worse.  dad didn't want her talking to me, and intruded a few times telling her to stop, but she continued.  she and i ended up verbally attacking each other.  we were both in tears.  she seems to find me totally mentally incompetent.  she thinks i won't be able to take care of myself, that i'm just mindlessly rebelling.  all i've eaten today is a baked potato.  my stomach is growling, but i'd rather go hungry than have to go downstairs and face my parents.  i probably have a candy bar or something hiding in here.  mom constantly asks loaded questions, too.  and they seem to think that once i move out, i'll do something horrid, then ruin my life, and then they'll never see me again.  and i got accused of ruining the family again tonight.  and mom has decided that i am obsessed with sex because i don't always wear underwear.  and now i can hear them screaming and crying.  this never happens.  step by step, i slowly fuck up my life.  i'm deemed illogical, a whore, a liar, that i ruin the family.  daddy's little girl has gone away, to be replaced with a woman he doesn't know.  he told me to just follow the mainstream and don't try to be different; life will be easier that way.  he thinks i'm just trying to be different because i wear black.  tsch.  that's not true.  i'm trying to be happy, i'm trying so hard.  but could many people be happy in an environment like this?  i will be strong.  i'll get through this, i'll survive, i won't hurt myself.  i will be happy.

so locke and i talked today, and i sincerely hope things get a lot better soon.  we decided to stay together, rather than break up.  i hope we made the right decision.

"i never wanted children, because i was afraid i'd be a bad mom."  mom sobbed to me, as i stared in blank amazement.  then she added, "and i am, and i've ruined your life."  that was one of the more surreal moments i've experienced in the past few years.  she says all she wants is me to be happy, she doesn't care if i'm successful.  dad, on the other hand, stresses success, saying that will bring happiness.  dad's mad at her, too, right now, since she initially tried to talk to me.

and I am not alone. I am not afraid. I'm not unhappy
The words I say to myself everyday
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy
Such a stupid ritual to have to say to myself everyday
I'm not alone but I found my answer and set myself free
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not unhappy

i wish i knew what was wrong with me.  the stress of everything lately has been weighing me down, sending me spiralling into into suicidal desires often.  and then i listen to "bang, bang" by nancy sinatra and weep uncontrollably.  i don't know what's wrong with me.  for right now, i'm blaming it on stress and nothing more.  i have an interview tomorrow, so i hope that goes well.  if it does - i can move out!  (cue "fanfare for the common man" - emerson lake & palmer)  i'm listening to "don't let it show" by the alan parsons project right now.  dad introduced me to this song a while back, because he regards this as my theme song.  and it really is, sadly enough.

anyone else get the w32.sasser.worm?  god, that sucked.

i started on birth control pills today.  let's hope i can hide these ones better, eh?

don't mind me... i'm just in a really odd mood and i don't know what to do about it.  i wonder if moving out will help at all or not?

Even if it's taking the easy way out
Keep it inside of you
Don't give in
Don't tell them anything
Don't let it
Don't let it show

Even though you know it's the wrong thing to say
Say you don't care, say you don't care
Even if you want to believe there's a way

my poor boyfriend tried to explain the appeal of porn to me today.  i honestly don't get it; naked people, so what?  locke tells me i lack lust, so i'll never understand.  but it's naked people you don't even know!  i just... well, as he said before, i'm attracted to the emotional aspect.  the physical doesn't do anything for me, without the emotional part behind it.  i will never understand why people like porn...

anyway, another day, another chance to get dismissed by capitalist america.  yeah, no jobs yet.  it's really starting to depress me.  that makes it all the harder then, as it's a vicious circle.  no jobs = depression.  depressed enough, and i can't bring myself to look for a job.  around and around it goes.

i feel odd.  lost, almost.  confused about all the people in my life.  confused about my priorities.  i used to know myself so well, and now... i guess i don't know.  granted, so much of what i presented to people before was false, but still.  it was comfortable, and i knew it.  and now i'm slowly showing who i really am, and it is insanely difficult.  i'm really babbling, just please ignore me.  i'm just feeling lost and a bit lonely.  and something's different, but i don't know what made it happen.  probably me.  i have a tendency to do things inadvertently, which come back to fuck me.  and not in a pleasurable way, either.

i'm down to nine toenails again.  notice how it looks like there's black nail polish on the toenail?  nope.  there's no toenail there, and that's all dried blood.  i accidentally ripped it off again.  meh.  i gave locke his present today.  i hope he liked `em - i was kind of desperate to do something for him, and that's all i could come up with.  he didn't seem too happy today; i hope he feels better soon.  probably his birthday is getting him down, since there's no one to really celebrate with him.  i wonder how he's doing.  still no job.  i came home in tears and bawled for a few hours, missing an online quiz i was supposed to take.  so then i cried some more.  being unwanted, job-wise, is depressing.  and moving out isn't an option until a job comes along.  my parents aren't making things any easier - they tell me i used to be sensible (implying that moving out isn't exactly one of my smarter moves in life).  i was absolutely miserable today.  actually, come to think of it, ripping my toenail off was probably a half-conscious thing.  sort of like cutting, only... not.  speaking of cutting, mom wanted to see my arms.  the marks aren't gone yet, though, so i bluffed my way out of it.  wow, i'm babbling.  i think i just need to write, though, to destress and be in a better mood.  val and i aren't talking much.  i got to see locke for a few minutes, and i talked to joe for a bit.  that's it for my social life.  i'm just confused about everything right now...

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