well, so much for the stipulations locke and i decided on when we decided to take a break.  that all went out the window when i surprised him this morning.  he woke up, looking groggy as hell, and asked "what are you doing here?" [it being tuesday, and i never come over in the mornings on tuesdays.]  so, um, we had fun, then he took off for class and i headed back home.  the real reason i had stopped by was actually to apologize for last night.  i stopped at the grocery store and bought some jalepaneo chips.  mmmm.  i went and visited val at work for a few hours, which was fun.  she slacked off and we just chatted.  after she got home, we went into town to wander around wal-mart, where we saw zippy and james. we had fun in wal-mart:  you know those little dog things that are new?  the ones that you press their paw and they play a beatles tune?  they kick ass.  anyway, we turned all of those on and sang along to some of them.  we went down a few more aisles, and spied a pink thing that was probably a chicken.  val pressed its wing, and it played the chicken dance and danced.  we laughed so hard we were doubled over - and so we turned all of them on and watched them dance, occasionally pushing one back so that it didn't fall off the shelf.  i can still smell locke on my jeans...

nothing like being flattered, and laughing your ass off at the same time.  i already miss locke, though.  am i pathetic?  maybe.  i talked to journey on the phone tonight and i was thrilled.  it was nice being able to talk to her.  maybe someday i'll actually see her, eh?  ha.  val talked to travis, which quite simply amazed me.  the conversation they had, i mean.  holy fuck.  locke and i are still together, contrary to popular opinion.  we're just... taking a break.  for the best, perhaps.  the best for now.  kyle and i got together for a while... i think i irritate him somewhat, sometimes.  heh, yay for sleep dep.  we watched an episode of south park, which was great.  we saw andy, who assured me that if i did get kicked out, i'd have a place to sleep.

oh god, travis is upset, locke is pissed at me (i assume)...

they seem to think that i'm a stupid slut that didn't realize that sex could entail pregnancy.  i'm not pregnant, but they seem to think if i do have sex, i will automatically get pregnant.  they know we used protection.  but still...  god fucking damnit.  they don't need to know every single fucking detail.  i don't even know what's going on with locke.  i'm not allowed to talk to him.  well, i could, but if my parents found out - either a restraining order or physical violence would ensue.  i don't know what to do anymore.  no one else should be legislating my morality, either.  this weekend was spent crying.  i didn't go to bed until 6:30 am.  i woke up at 9.  i feel completely and utterly drained.  devoid of anything.  i'm sick of fighting, i'm sick of crying, i just want nothingness.  i want to sleep, to dream, and never wake up.

i wept.  he held on and stroked my hair as i cried about what's going on.  we talked about our relationship, and we held each other tightly, tears streaming down our faces.  we were going to break up.  one song kept flitting through my head - "tears of pearls" by savage garden.  seeing locke hurt made me hurt that much more.  in the end, when i got home later, we decided to give it one more try.  i think i was with him for three hours, give or take.  afterwards, i didn't think i could cry anymore.  that is also perhaps the most emotional i've been for some time.  on the way home, i did a rolling stop at a stop sign.  a cop pulled me over - the first time in my life.  luckily i got off with just a warning.  dad talked to me, said that he wanted to tell mom tonight.  and he did.  i'm emotionally drained right now.  i'm also numb.  if i can, i'll write more later.  no guarentees.

And we stare each other down
Like victims in the grind
Probing all the weakness
And hurt still left behind and we cry
The tears of pearls
We do it, Oh we do it

Is love really the tradgedy the way you
Might describe
Or would a thousand lovers
Still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls

All these mixed emotions
We keep locked away like
Stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we
Keep locked away from all the world

Your kisses are like pearls
So different and so rare
But anger stole the jewels away
and love has left you bare
Made you cry...
These tears of pearls

Well I could be the tired joker
Pour my heart to get you in
Sacrifice my happiness
Just so I could win
Maybe cry...
These tears of pearls

All these mixed emotions
We keep locked away like
Stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we
Keep locked away from all the world

We twist and turn where angels burn
Like fallen soldiers we will learn
That once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you

All these mixed emotions
We keep locked away like
Stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we
Keep locked away from all the world

i am going to lose everything in these next few days.  tomorrow locke and i are going to have a talk about the relationship.  and dad has decided he wants to tell mom. i realize this is all my fault, but...  dad says this is killing him, not telling her.  what about me?  i think i'm more unstable than he realizes.  i am not okay.  i cannot handle this.  mom and dad went out to eat.  i'm now sitting here in paranoia, wondering if dad is telling her.  my relationship with my parents is shot to hell.  locke and i aren't doing well.  all i can do is cry about this, now.  please kill me.

i wasn't trying to snoop, i really wasn't.  i just needed a modem, so i went to your hardware drawer...

congratulations, phoenix, you have fucked up your life like never before.  are you happy yet?  dad has found my birth control pills.  he told me that i have broken his heart.  he hasn't told mom yet.  however, he feels he is lying to mom by not telling her about this.  thing is, he is worried to tell her.  she is exceedingly close to a break-down as it is.  you destroyed your family, are you happy now, phoenix?  dad is severely disappointed in me.  i'm sure you can guess his attitude towards locke.  home was found for kitty, but i don't feel like getting into that right now.  maybe more details about tonight later.  maybe.

i give up.

why i even fucking bother?  i'm torn between cutting myself or not.  locke told me i should.  i had promised once i wouldn't cut, and i did.  so to locke, my promises mean nothing now.  go ahead and cut.  my car smells like fucking cat shit.  speaking of the cat, no one fucking understands how i feel about that.  i'm always teased about that - why do i care so much about a damn cat?  because i do.  for some goddamn reason, i feel intensly for animals.  especially cats.  maybe i'm crazy.  but we found the kitty a home - i just have to bring her to the vet tomorrow.  i'm behind in some of my classes.  to some degree i care, but yet, i don't.  i need the credits to go to bemidji and leave home and find a job.  but i hate classes.  i need to see the doctor.  at least i have an appointment in a week.  the depression is hitting hard again.  i have no energy or motivation to do anything.  all i want to do is sleep, at the expense of anything else.  i don't want to read, or go out, or even shower.  locke and i got in a tiff tonight.  i have to take a quiz but i don't have any motivation.  maybe i'll do it before i go over to locke's in the morning.  i don't want to fucking do anything.  my intelligence is negligable, artistic skills are zilch.  computer skills are laughable.  no skills.  i piss off my boyfriend.  he hates the fact that social situations scare me.  i'm a pathetic excuse for a human being.  he compares me to my mother.  he knows how to hurt me, and doesn't seem adverse to it sometimes.  i was going to overdose today.  i want to cut myself, but if i do, i'm breaking a promise.  not that my promises mean anything to locke, i guess.

ah, the joys of contacts.  when putting one of them in, i realized too late it was a bit dry.  i fell to the floor, clawing at my eye, trying to get it out.  it hurt too much to even open my eyes, though.  anyway.  is it wrong to get so angry at a religion?  i've already vented to my patient boyfriend about all of this, and i don't feel like rehashing, really, but here's some of it:  mom and i got into yet another fight today.  she accused me of trying to be cool and different.  instead, she said i'm being "Weird."  what in her mind is trying to be cool?  wanting to dye my hair for a day, as well as being liberal.  she claims that i've changed drastically and that i've lost my morals.  another discussion on homosexuality - this was just absurd.  she claimed that scientists said there are no gay animals - they're just "confused."  then, "gays can't love other people the real way," she spoke.  she went on to cite some propoganda on how homosexuals have 1000 sexual partners a year.  then something about how this country used to be christian [salem witch trials, anyone?].  that meandered onto witches.  she claims that "witches" use powers satan gave them to cast spells on people.  i almost said something about the wiccan rede, the threefold law, etc, but bit my tongue.  i did mention psi though, and she freaked.  she declared it "new age" and thus evil, and wanted none of it in her house.  she threatened to destroy my computer, my books, and my cds.  i lied, saying i had nothing like that.  i also reminded her that i possess precognition slightly.  she angrily told me it was from the devil, not god.  and then came the rant on satanism.  i couldn't help myself here, since she mentioned aleister crowley.  that branch of satanism does not worship satan - they are atheists, and essentially use satan as a figurehead.  that is satanism.  she started to scream.  she bellowed and stamped her foot like an irate elephant in heat.  she bemoaned all the black masses, which she claims happen quite reguarly.  i disagreed with her on that, saying seldom if ever is it done in seriousness - most is done in jest, or stupid kids "worshipping satan".  i mentioned the temple of set, saying they didn't worship satan - rather, a horned pagan god.  she screamed some more.  she told me to think morally, rather than just with my intellect.  she even informed me that making decisions based solely on logic and reasoning lead to the downfall of a society.  so i asked her about the roman empire.  "they're not an empire anymore, are they?" she crowed, triumphant she had won.  i asked her to prove any strong christian nations - she couldn't.  just claimed they start out good and moral, and once thinking takes precedence over christian morals, it's all downhill from there.  once again, she let me know i was headed for hell.

never have i been so happy to get my period.  not that i was worried, but...  ease of mind, just in case.  and now on sunday i can start taking the pills.  oh joy, eh?  hrm, tomorrow i go with val to her doctor's appointment.  anyway.  i have to get up early tomorrow so this is going to be brief.  my teacher was quite impressed with the site that i created for my project - and even more impressed when he was informed that it was hand-coded.  i think i need to lose weight.  mom and i had a talk today about a few different things.  she told me how the fact that i was changing so much scared her.  she said she's extremely close to having a breakdown now.  she said if i dyed my hair, that would probably be all the push she needs for that breakdown.  hrm, time to drag out the coloring that i bought?  i really am half-tempted to see if i can drive her off the brink.  she almost brought religion up, but quickly stopped.  i was a tad disappointed.  i wanted her to break down right there.

oh god, please don't let that moaning be what i think it is.

locke and i had a little adventure today.  we had gone out on a drive with the intention of taking some photos.  well, when he and i got out of the car, we heard a loud meow, over and over.  we slowly walked over through the snow and brittle vegetation, and saw a small white cat crouched in the rocks.  we made a decision to do something with her, and so luna, as we so dubbed her, was placed in my car.  she talked incessently, and clawed us [accidentally, though].  she was quite sweet though, and never tried to hurt us.  we ended up making a run to fleet farm to buy a cat carrier to put her in, after stopping to grab some food for her.  well, locke's parents weren't going to allow him to keep her.  i thought i'd have more luck with my house, but quite the opposite.  mom was pissed as hell, and eventually relegated that cat to the garage - and she even suggested letting luna go.  i had to have her out of the house tonight, so locke and i spent our time making phone calls.  we got andy to agree to at least take her for a few days until we can find a home for her.  she's so skinny - she's like a skeleton with fur.  but she's so adorable and sweet-tempered.  i really do wish i could keep her.  if i could, i think i'd love to spend my life running/working at a no-kill animal shelter.  i've wanted to do that for as long as i can remember - well, for at least a decade or so, i think.  but it's kinda hard to make a living that way.  sigh.

as val laid snoring on my bed, i attempted to learn what ionispheric radiation was.  somehow it's connected to schumann resonance, which in turn relates to psi.  val probably thinks i'm going crazy:  before she fell asleep, she asked me what i was doing.  i responded i was reading about lucid dreaming.  anyway, i have absolutely nothing exciting to say, i guess.  i found an abandoned house and barn, if i recall correctly, when i was out driving today.  locke told me to check and make sure that smb was checked.  it was, oddly enough.  i left it as is, and switched back to the xp box to see if i could access files.  it works now.  no idea how that happened, but... yay.

bella kitty is so cute; she care barely keep her eyes open.  only problem is that everytime i get up for a second, she steals my chair then complains when i reclaim it.  val and i watched battle royale tonight.  she talked through most of it, preferring to ask questions rather than just watch.  i almost fell asleep - not that it's a bad movie, i enjoy it, it's just that whenever i watch a movie, i get sleepy.  i need to remember to call the doctor.  my leg sporadically twitches through out the day, and locke is getting concerned.  i also have to speak to my doctor about social anxiety disorder.  the depression hit hard today, too - first class i had tears running down my cheeks for no apparent reason.  somedays i just wish that i was normal.  and i'm scared to go talk to the doctor about sad.  i'm used it to, as well as depression.  it's a part of my personality [well, no, but that's how i view it.]  who am i without those?  a different phoenix?  i don't know...  bah, and i may have to switch medications, as the depression is still coming on strong, the weird trembling, an uneasy feeling - and i'm taking 100mg a day.  hrm, zoloft is supposed to be for social anxiety disorder, too.  yeah, i need to call the doctor, even though i don't want to.  other than that, not a whole lot happened.  locke and i watched cartoons, relaxed, chatted, and played chess.  i think he let me win a game.

all right, if anyone wants to take a gander at my quick-ass gip project on overpopulation, click.  yes, it's the same layout, but hey, i was lazy.  besides, it's still a hell of a lot better than the other websites.  locke called around 9:30, and sounded a little irritated.  he freaked out on me when i made the mistake of calling anime "cartoons".  i didn't mean it in a derogative way - i was just thinking that if it's not cgi or real, it's cartoon.  my bad.  he apologized though, and he is having a bad day...  i'm such a bad student.  i don't want to go to violin tomorrow.  i didn't even practice for two weeks.  sigh.  bah, i should go to bed, i suppose.  i hope locke is in a better mood tomorrow.  ah, on the upside, i got to talk to journey for a long time tonight.  i guess she saw me in brainerd, and ran off, too scared to talk to me.  and she peeked in my car windows.  heh, it was a lot of fun talking to her.  argh, why do i feel so strange tonight?  almost hesitant...

after a little bit of tweaking, i got the linux box able to access the xp box, but as of yet, xp can't still access the linux box.  val and i went into brainerd today.  i was so nervous when we pulled up to planned parenthood.  the nurse i had was a bitch, even worse when she found out that i took zoloft.  she told me that i must have insurance, then, and so i was forced to explain that i'm under my parents insurance and i don't want them to know.  anyway.  the gynocologist was so nice.  she explained everything as she went along, and it only took a few minutes.  then i walked off with birth control pills and a bag of condoms ["they're colored! val squealed].  hrm, i wonder if locke got the job he wanted?  i hope so.  i had to help mom find an image of a monstrance tonight, then how to save the image...  dad helped her with putting it in the email, as i was eating at the time.  when i came back up, she asked if there was a way to view it so that she could "see what it looks like."  "mom, this is what it looks like," i informed her.  to her credit, mom laughed pretty hard at her stupidity.  dad chuckled to himself.  just now i had to explain that she could write an email while offline, she just couldn't send.

i'm so lazy.  before class i went over to locke's, and just laid there for a while with him.  so relaxing, so comfortable.  he let me borrow his beret, and off we went to class.  that was more or less uneventful, except for politics.  damn redneck nationalistic republicans!  they hate the united nations... their global issue project is on that, so i wonder how that will turn out.  almost always whenever they say something, i want to beat them over the head with a blunt object.  after class, locke and i watched x and then i took off.  val came home quite pissed off and wanting revenge on her husband.  he has been going out to the bar every night, wants to buy a new car [they just started to lease a house... they haven't got money for a $10,000 car], goes out to eat quite often...  he doesn't seem to understand money.  plus, she hates him going out to the bars every night.  she wanted to do something that would hurt him - like doing something with ryan.  i do believe i talked her out of it.  she wasn't exactly hellbound to do something with ryan, but she did want to hurt josh.  if she did, though, that would just make her marriage that much worse.  anyway.  exam and pick up birth control pills tomorrow.  lucky me, eh?  travis was on irc tonight, which was a huge surprise.  it's been... what, 8-9 months since he's been on?  i feel really out of it, so if this entry bounces around alot i'm sorry.  locke and i have been dating for five months.  yay.  what the hell?  locke was talking a bit to travis, and the subject of me came up.  travis commented, "I know that I'd like to be with her.. that is for sure.."  gah, i have a line from the theme song of x resonating in my brain.  locke sings it when we watch.  it's so weird when i think about it who i am now, compared to a year ago.  look how much i've changed:  heretic, birth control, just... various things.  i do believe mentally i've changed a lot.  i was concerned for a while tonight, as val wanted to cut herself.

i'm so sleepy, and i don't want to do anything.  i kind of feel guilty about it, but... i don't know.  all of a sudden i have this huge lack of ambition, and i don't want to go to class, or do anything.  i just want to lay here.  i want to curl up with my boyfriend and just relax.  i'm horrible, aren't i?  anyway, i have no energy, so... blah.  val's husband picked out a house down in texas, so she moves the middle of april.  i'm really going to miss her - that is just going to be so strange.  locke has an idea for some photos he wants to take, which we'll probably do sunday... that'll be fun.  i finished my global issue project, which i'll upload tomorrow.  tonight i went over to locke's, where we played chess, watched x and just relaxed.  gah, i don't want to go to class tomorrow.  i just realized right now there's a homework assignment i forgot to do - and it's watching t.v.  hrm.  maybe locke wants to watch the news tomorrow with me?

it's been quite an eventful day.  val and i went into town to planned parenthood so that i could get my morning after pill.  i was shaking, and could barely fill out the form.  while we were talking to the doctor, val reminded me to ask about getting birth control pills.  i go in on thursday for a check-up [oh, god...] and to get the pills.  i get them free, yay.  from the two pills i took today, i felt nauseus, light-headed, and i had a headache.  val and i decided to make dinner tonight for locke and kyle, which ended up being... interesting.  we had no idea what to make, so when locke finally showed up, we demanded he answer what kind of chicken he liked.  we also had a fruit salad, baked potatoes, smoothies, and snicker salad [of which all those i could eat].  while the three of us were working on the food [yes, we invited locke for dinner, then enlisted his aid in preperation], dad came home and wanted to talk to me.  we went in to his room, sat on the bed, and began to talk.  he was not going to show the email to mom.  and he told me that although her personally disagrees with my religious beliefs, he was going to treat me like i'm 19, and not try to convince me otherwise.  he would leave the choice of telling mom about my ideas to me.  however, that could be a bad decision on my part.  if mom knew that i didn't even consider myself christian, i could lose my college money, be kicked out of the house, or mom could have a nervous breakdown.  that would be nice.  dad admitted that the third option was a very real possibility - if she did, no psychologist could help.  she'd be in a mental ward for the rest of her life, because religion is who she is, essentially.  anyway.  afterwards, kyle showed up while the food was still cooking.  we talked and stuff, and eventually most of the food was done - we just needed the smoothies.  then val wanted to make stuffing, and the guys just wanted to eat.  conversation at dinner was just plain odd.  i'm sure kyle heard more about me and locke than he wanted to know.  bah, and the computers are networked but not working.  it's starting to get a bit frustrating, but eventually we'll get it.  i'm thankful locke teaches me as he works on it.

fuckin' a, guess where locke and i get to go tomorrow?  planned parenthood.  locke's trying, but i don't think he fully understands why i'm stressed about this.  i need to stop thinking about this, or else i'll work myself up and get naseuous.  basically, the morning after pill can be taken up to 3 days (or some cases, 5 days) later, but ideally should be taken between 12-24 hours after.  most women that take the morning after pill suffer from severe upset stomachs, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and light bleeding.  it typically lasts anywhere from 4-48 hours.  oh, joy.

i sent dad a long email today, which he will probably read tomorrow.  i'm almost dreading it.  it spoke of religion, and living under mom's thumb.  i said how i needed to live my life and not the way mom wants me to live it.  i told him that i didn't consider my self catholic, let alone christian.  i informed him that atheists and agnostics still have morals, that morality is not defined by a religion.  i reassured him that i wasn't doing this to hurt him or mom, and that i know mom only has my best intentions at heart.  it's just that i need to be me, and stop appeasing people all the time.  i am seriously dreading his reply.

blayne got beat up yesterday... check out locke's blog for details.

holy, it's been a long day.  i didn't go to bed until sometime after 5 a.m., and i woke up at noon.  val and i talked for a while, and we made lunch at two:  fries, onion rings, smoothies, corndog for her, and veggie dog for me.  afterwards we thought we were going to throw up.  we both felt like doing something today, so we discussed it, and decided to go to duluth.  why?  well, we felt like it, and val had never been to duluth, so why not?  we printed out a map from mapquest, then headed out to breezy to fill my tank.  we had problems right from the start.  i'm used to getting to duluth from brainerd, the map said a route neither of us knew, we called her husband who told us to go through hibbing, and val thought we had to go through the cities.  we eventually went on 16,and ended up on 11, going through crosby.  by the time we had made it that far, however, we had to turn around twice and call josh once.  it's not that we were lost - we were just confused on the directions.  things went fine until we had to find a certain road.  val informed me that it was only for .1 miles, then we had to turn.  there was one road to turn on in that distance, but i was sure it was wrong.  since i was driving, i kept going.  15 minutes later, we turned around and went back down the other road.  we had no idea where we were.  i grabbed the directions from val and irritably pointed something out to her:  we were supposed to continue on this road for 55 miles - the .1 mile was the next step after this.  in mcgregor, we stopped at an uber-creepy gas station to get drinks and took off again, too frightened to spend any more time there.  the rest of the way to our destination was fairly uneventful.  val decided to drive, and so she drove into duluth and was amazed by all the fog.  we decided to go to superior, and she freaked out when she had to go across the brige:  "i don't love you anymore, phoenix!"  we got back fine, and that's when the trouble began.  do we go on 35 towards the cities, or towards grand rapids?  i thought maybe the cities, val decided grand rapids.  and that's where the adventure begins.  this is kind of a blur, so forgive me.  somehow we ended up in adolph, kept going to hermantown, and thought hermantown was still adolph.  we filled up with gas and left quite quickly, unsure of where we were heading.  val decided the best option was to go straight, after we ended up going in a huge-ass circle that took us 45 minutes.  i called kyle, and asked if he knew where these towns were.  he had not a clue.  i tried calling my boyfriend, but the line was busy.  i gave up, and we drove some more.  we drove a long ways, and i wanted to turn around and go to a gas station and ask.  val wanted to drive a bit further, which we did, before i demanded that she turn around.  we went to the gas station and i asked if they knew how to get onto 210.  not a clue.  val and i sighed, walked out to the parking lot, and grabbed our cell phones.  she called josh, to no avail.  i tried calling locke twice, then tried jim.  jim just laughed.  "fuck it.  i'm calling travis." i announced.  as we drove, i talked to him, hoping for some help.  i took out all my aggression on him, which was nice.  to his credit, i must admit he tried to help.  i, however, was extremely stressed out.  he said to just look at signs and find our way.  my overly-loud reply was "it's fucking dark out!  and it's fucking snowing!  "that's not good," he said in return.  "no shit!  we're in the fucking middle of nowhere, and we're fucking lost!  we have no idea where we are, what town, what road, nothing!"  he asked what town was the last town we were in, and i replied adolph.  he couldn't find it on the map, and insisted that we were in wisconsin.  "we are not in fucking wisconson!" i screamed into my phone.  val and i had thought we were on 35, but then i saw a road that said 13 on it, and told travis.  then we saw a sign that said 2.  he tried to find that on the map.  then val asked me to ask him about 53.  well, he thought that we were on 53 then, and couldn't seem to understand otherwise.  val followed a road, and we reached a sign that read "road ends in 500 ft".  val and i almost bawled.  we go back to a gas station we had been at before, and val went in to ask directions.  i was still on the phone, and i walked in after her a few minutes later.  he told me to ask what state we were in.  bitterly, i asked:  we were in minnesota.  i told him i'd call him back.  turns out we had passed adolph, and were in hermantown.  the lady was quite nice, and gave us good directions to get back.  i took over driving and it went pretty well.  we found all our roads.  we ended up going through brainerd, however, and val almost cried because she was so desperate to get home.  while leaving brainerd, travis called me back to check on us and see how we were doing.  we talked for a few minutes, then he got off the phone.  a few seconds after val and i pulled into the garage, kyle called to check on us.  we reassured him we weren't still lost.  this was worse than being lost in the cities.  much worse.

this is going to kick-ass:  next month my parents are going on vacation for a few days.  hrm... i'll have to see for how long... i wonder if locke would want to stay over for a bit, then?

locke dropped me off, and i strolled into the kitchen to grab something to drink before heading upstairs.  mom saw me, and talked to me for a second.  i got to my room and happened to glance in the mirror:  hickey.  i hadn't even known about it - obviously mom didn't see it, which is good.  bah, i'm trying to find some mp3s by the industrial band "cat rapes dog", but i'm having a hard time of it.  but i digress.  locke stopped by today to borrow something.  a few hours later, he called and was going to pick me up.  tonight was fun.  we played a couple games of chess [i did decent this time... not great, but hey!].  we just kinda relaxed, and later on we watched another episode of x.  oh, and guess what?  mom had yet another vision of me - me getting married.  hrm.  she didn't see the guy, though.  some vision.  gah!  i have huge hickey on my arm...

naked lunch!  i finally got my hands on a copy of that book.  i've been searching for it for a long while.  the bookstores i checked never had it, and i could never find it online - it always said that it was out of print.  they must have started to print them again, because while waiting for my oil in my car to be changed, i walked to the bookstore in the mall.  in a corner half-hidden by another book, was a bright yellow book with sideways lettering:  naked lunch.  i grabbed it, and bought it.  i checked amazon when i got home, and found that they're selling it now.  hrm.  the book actually used to be banned in the states because it was found to be obscene.  it was written by a gay heroin addict, and... it's just an amazing book.  it's definatly worth reading.

i had a mouse nest in the hood of my car, i just recently found out.  the black midget mechanic took me back there and showed me the nest, as well as the wire that had been chewed through.  joy.  so that, too, had to get fixed.  while i waited [i refused to wander around anymore - i had twice already, and it was quite cold outside and i had nowhere to go] so i stayed and talked to the guy.  he asked me a lot of questions about college and my boyfriend and my jacket and so on.  i was talking, and all of a sudden he said, "you have a very pretty smile."  i turned bright red.  it was a nice compliment, but i usually blush when strangers give me compliments.  it just seems weird to me.  he was a very nice man, and i enjoyed our little conversation.

today was decent enough.  i laid around for most of the day, talking and playing with bella kitty, and browsing online.  i was supposed to go to the cities today with val to drop off her husband at the airport, but that fell through.  she came home, ran in to get something, and took off again.  she never even talked to me.  that hurt, especially since last night she never called as promised, and i never got to go to the wedding.  val and i are talking about it... we talked a bit tonight, but she fell asleep.  we'll go more in-depth tomorrow.  locke called in the evening, and we decided to get together.  we really didn't do anything too exciting.  we watched a few cartoons and played two games of chess.  i haven't played chess for ages, and that kicked ass.  i suck at it, but it was fun, nonetheless.

yay for my dad's side of the family.  mom had sent out a mass email, mainly to his side of the family and me, about how good and moral the president is.  missy (my aunt) told mom to take her off her mailing list, as she could not side with mom -ever- on religion or politics.  gia (my cousin in london) took even more of an offense at the email.  she sent back a long one.  perhaps my favorite parts of the letter are:

I’m afraid that I cannot take Jesus as my saviour (I’d first have to try and convince myself of the existence of a God, a belief in the Bible as the truth and throw away all of my rational thought that I’ve worked so hard to cultivate over the years)

If to you my not accepting Jesus means that you think I will go to Hell and you feel the need to pray for me, please don’t. If going to Heaven means sitting around with Jerry Fallwell, Pat Boone and a bunch of Death Row inmates that accepted Jesus into their hearts hours before going to the chair, then I’d rather be sharing eternity with the Buddha (I’d like to find out if he’s thought of anything new in the last 2,500 years), Albert Einstein, Carl Sagan and Richard Feynman (I’m sure they’ve had lots of discoveries), John Lennon, George Harrison, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, Irving Berlin and Ravi Shankar (when he arrives) will make a great band, maybe we can get Noel Coward going on the lyrics, I’d like to meet Cleopatra, in fact all of the Egyptian Pharaohs would be pretty interesting, I always loved Katherine Hepburn as well, maybe she and Richard Burton could act in the new plays written by Christopher Marlowe and Voltaire, Charles Shultz could do the comics and Gene Roddenbury could make the TV programmes, Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain and George Orwell will have a lot to talk about right now. All of them were atheists, non-theists or non-Christians...

when i got home i ran into the bathroom before my parents had a chance to look at me.  i looked in the mirror, and almost cried for the fourth time today.  my parents, even after i put make-up on, told me that i looked "unusually tired."  i look like i've been fucking beat.  i have one black eye, and the other is semi-decent, but there's a huge black and blue mark next to the eye.  that's going to be awkward to deal with for a while.  marks around my eyes courtesy of my boyfriend.  locke called me a prude today - jokingly - but i'm starting to wonder.  does he honestly think i'm a prude?  i'm sleeping with him!  i bought a damn miniskirt and top that he picked out...  i don't know, i guess.  we had a disagreement tonight, in which i cried three seperate times - with tears trickling down my cheeks.  in our disagreements, i always feel like i'm the one with the wrong view.  it hurts after a while.  other than that, i guess, it was a good day.  locke and i had fun before that.  he took some photos of me, and i laughed through most of it, probably annoying him.  the two of us also went to see my psychologist, which went... interesting.  i guess i don't know how to explain it any better.  it was just really strange.  at any rate, it seemed to go well.

maybe i'm not aggressive enough when it comes to some things...  maybe i do need to change.  change is good, right?  ...but frightning.

blah.  locke and i are going to the pyschologist today, which should be interesting.  hrm, i wonder if locke would mind if we did that, and then got together later in the day?  val and josh are going to stop by for a bit.  i'll have to ask him.  anyway, val got married yesterday.  congratulations, val.  i love you, and i wish you the best.  i didn't actually go to the wedding - she didn't seem concerned whether i went or not.  but it's her wedding, so...  it's just a bit strange, since she had planned to get married this spring and i was going to be a bridesmaid.  but then josh came up, and they decided it was for the best to get married now - so they had a 15 minute ceremony at the courthouse.  oh, and the dyed hair?  i made the mistake of telling mom about it before i did it.  she said if i did it, it would kill her.  judging from the expression on her face, it seemed that dying my hair would be as horrible as murdering the pope.  even if my hair dye washes out right away.  bah.  i put some dye in my hair last after mom went to bed, just to see if i like it.  i really like it.  so, i'm going to have to do that one of these days now, for sure.  locke and i watched pulp fiction last night, which is a great movie.  after that, we laid on his car and looked at the stars.  i saw a shooting star; i was quite excited.  and locke bought me jalepano chips, yay!

cow bones.  i forgot to mention those last night.  locke and i had gone for a drive, and there was an abandoned house that we decided to go take a closer look at.  we walked around it taking photos, when we suddenly looked down at the ground.  less than a foot away from the house lay bones:  pelvic bone, femurs, rib cage, and more.  both of us were like, what the hell?  we took photos of the bones... it was a little creepy though.  i want to know why there were cow bones right next to the house like that.

"cigarettes?"  dad questioned as he settled himself into the passenger seat.  i glanced over and noticed a pack of locke's camels.  thank god dad was with me, and not mom, because he believed me that they were my boyfriend's.  we dialogued a bit about how smoking was disgusting, and that was the end of that.

i was talking to kyle tonight.  and, well, don't be surprised if i have blue or red hair tomorrow.  not for long, but... meh.  it should be fun.  we'll see if i have the balls to go through with it.

sex is over-rated.  i always thought that losing my virginity would have a much larger impact on me.  i thought that i would cry.  or something, at least.  it's said that sex usually hurts the first time.  nope.  bleeding?  nope.  did i cry?  not at all.  did i feel anything?  not really.  i was really hoping it would be a bit more... something... i guess.  it's said that sex creates a special bond between the two people.  did i feel that?  nope.  ah well.  at least i don't regret it.  that would be much, much worse.  i still feel the same as i did 24 hours ago, so i guess that means it wasn't too bad or anything, eh?  the candles were nice, though.

i got my hair cut again.  it's shorter, which is nice.  karen also spiked it a bit before i left, and mom actually kind of liked it like that.  or she was lying.  either way, i don't care.  y'know, it's bizarre how i've turned out.  i've pretty much become the opposite of what mom wanted in a daughter.  am i girly (make-up, dresses, etc)?  ha.  long hair/permed hair?  absolutely not.  interprets bible literally?  no.  catholic?  sorry.  religious?  not really.  illustrator for children's books?  i lack the talent.  dating a nice catholic boy?  ha!  uber-chaste (not even kissing before marriage):  um, obviously not.  and so on.

some people have really odd fetishes.  i came across a website devoted to sex-doll porn today.  hrm.  anyway, not much to really write about today.  travis called.  i knew that he was going to call sometime around the 3^rd.  and he called on the fifth.  yay for my intuition.  or something.  politics was interesting, though.  there are two people in my class that decided that warfare has become "too pc."  they went people exterminated, shot if they look suspicous at all, and if there's a riot in the street - kill them all, even the little kids.  they also went on to say that france, germany, and japan have no place in today's society.  further on, let's wipe out all other cultures:  have an american empire with solely american culture.  and they honestly believed that this was best.  and... yeah.  nothing too exciting tonight.

holy.  fuck.  today was decent until mom decided she wanted to come bitch at me.  she whined about my room, my hair, and the fact that i'm wearing a hat.  she wants me to look more feminine.  and as for the room, she says it is her right to have a clean house, and i'm being a horrible selfish daughter by not doing that.  and somehow, i don't even know how, we got onto the topic of religion.  i explained i don't feel the same way about religion she does.  i didn't plan on really telling her anything.  then she asked if i would go to church when i moved away.  when i said i wouldn't, she looked like she was psychotic.  she raised her hand, and i thought that she was going to hit me.  "liar" she hissed, over and over again.  i'm a liar because a year and a half ago, i told her that i would go to church.  she said because of the fact that i won't go to church, they will not pay for my tuition.  literally shaking with rage, she demanded to know how this all came about.  i failed to give an adequate response, and she exploded.  "is it your atheist friends!" she screamed, not really asking, but stating.  no.  she then blamed it on my "stupid depression."  i was trying my hardest to remain calm and rational.  she got angry about that.  she looked crazy as she bitched about me being liberal, as it is "evil" and the "downfall of society."  after yelling that i "hate god and hate religion!" she stormed out of my room.  i sat there, stunned, for a few minutes.  i got my computers hooked up, then dad knocked on the door.  he was much more calm and logical than mom.  we discussed my lack of faith and the fact that mom did, indeed, drive me away from religion.  for many years he had told her what she was doing, but she didn't believe him.  she never saw it.  he saw what was coming, but it's too late now.  he sympathizes with me.  and i feel awful for him.  he says he loves her, but even if you love someone, why put up with such hell?  even he described it as hell.  that, and he said that "the next six months will be hell."  though he does love her, i wish for his sake he would leave her.  he's not real happy with his life.  he said he has to walk perpetually on eggshells around her, since 10 years ago.  i guess mom's even told dad that he's going to hell.  before i was born, dad told me, mom and dad didn't really go to church.  they didn't care too much.  when i was born, they decided it would be good to start going.  dad told me something i never knew [and which mom doesn't know]:  five years ago, he had a huge crisis of faith.  he was trying to logically decide if there was a god.  he suffered for six months, thinking about religion every day, for hours.  he didn't know if there was a god or not.  he thought there wasn't, and it crushed him.  eventually, he basically went with pascal's wager, and went back to catholicism.  he is not devout, but he believes.  he feels mom is an extremeist, and said that "if all catholics were like your mother, i would not be catholic."  he and i had a good long discussion.  even though we may not agree on everything, we're both very respectful.  how the hell is it that it's that way with dad, but not mom?  these next few months are going to be horrible for all of us.  i offered to move out.  dad told me that if there was a place for me to stay, he'd bring me there [he meant it in a nice way, not bad].  being at home is going to be really awkward now.  but my lack of faith is now out, and there's nothing more i can do about it.  let mom bemoan it and whine to her friends about her evil daughter.  i wonder if she'll keep more tabs on me or not, now.  she is using this as her excuse why she felt she couldn't trust me.  it was god telling her!  i hate her deity.

oh god, it's one of those days again.  last night was good, and locke was so sweet.  psychogist visit went well, and i bought some red "colored spiking styling gel".  when i'll use it, not sure, but hey.  at least i have it if i want it.  but then there's today.  fuck college, fuck religion, fuck life.  after leaving locke's today, i pondered the option of just leaving.  pack my stuff in my car and go.  when i got home, i actually made a list of all the items that i wanted, and all of those that i could actually bring with.  my problem is that i feel everything too deeply, and maybe i read too much into things.  locke and i had a little tiff, but i think we got that sorted through.  then i was going to leave, and he seemed... i don't know, just quiet and different.  he kept telling me there was nothing wrong, but it felt like there was.  when i hugged him goodbye, he hugged back, but it was loose.  not a normal lockely hug.  i took a break from homework a while ago to work on a drawing - "shackled angel".  i like it, though i don't know how to finish it:  charcoal, pencil, pastel, what?  i think i might do charcoal...  dad bought me a kvm switch.  i'm excited about that.  now i can finally share a monitor, keyboard, and mouse.  yay.  mom talked to me today.  she said god spoke to her, and told her that she was harbouring anger towards me for the last six months.  she explained she had difficulty adjusting to who i am becoming, and so she withdrew.  she no longer offered unconditional love.  now she says god healed her and she has no more anger towards me.  let's see how long that lasts.  i'm frustrated.  i'm debating whether or not to go for a run.  i need to be outside.  my mind is screaming to be immersed in nature.  but no.  i spend my life staring at a computer screen.  i really do wish that i had artistic talent.  why can't i draw like this?  hrm.  locke has me nervous to go to bemidji now.  he talked about the high crime rate and how his friends' cars were stolen, and all that fun, happy stuff.

what is wrong with me?  i feel so utterly lost, and like i'm about to break down and cry.  why can't i just be like a normal person?  what is wrong with me?  why can't i just be happy?  damnit, i need to change the way i think.  i can't concentrate on homework.  i simply don't care anymore.  give me time, i'll fuck my life up somehow.  with my luck i'll fail out of college and end up a single mom.  erm, think happy thoughts, phoenix.  i need to drastically change something, but i don't know what.  something in my life needs to change.  argh, i hate homework, i can't concentrate, i don't care.  i like order, but all my life i have attracted chaos.  i'm desperatly trying to find a talent of mine.  i'm mediocre, if not downright bad, in the arts.  i'm all right with computers.  all i want is to be with animals and nature.  but, damnit, there is nothing to do in life that i could make money off of with that.  gah, i'm just a horribly pathetic person, i guess.

hrm, so the topic in #koopidieo right now is "what turns on phe*phe".  argh, damnit, i have too much to do and i can't do it.  how `bout i just move to canada and... live off the land or something.  no, i'm too bad with plants.

yay for garbage and liz phair.

it's been an emotional day.  before i headed out to locke's today, mom and i got into an arguement about the rosary.  dad ended up telling me to just get out.  about half an hour later, when i was at locke's, mom called.  she said dad had told her that our fighting was "killing him" and that he just left and didn't take the phone, and she had no idea where he was.  anyway, we took the saturn out today to go look for the school, which is still eluding us.  i wanted to bring my camera along on the drive, but only just now did i find it.  sigh.  locke took photos of a strange half-completed, abandoned building.  we walked around inside it.  i want to go back there and take some photos of it... he got some nice ones.  locke and i broached the topic of sex today.  i feel that i'm ready, i'm comfortable enough to lose my virginity with him.  we discussed it, as he wanted to make sure that is what i really want.  so much for the good little catholic daughter.

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