i can't believe it's already nine o'clock.  i actually only got three hours of sleep today - i went to bed at 6:30 and woke up at 9:30, for some reason i have yet to ascertain.  anyway.  i ran over to ladies today to go see val.  i feel so awful for her, and this has got to be so awkward.  she and josh are no longer, and yet, they're living together until the lease is up.  i can't imagine how strange that has got to be.  there was actually a bit of a deja vu sensation when she was telling me the details, because alot of what josh told her is what travis told me when we broke up.  that's a bit creepy.  so.  afterwards, i headed over to gibbon's, to go to his grad party.  surprisingly, there weren't too many of his friends.  himself, kyle, and moi.  gibbons and i chatted a bit, and i learned that he and steph are dating.  holy.  they haven't told kyle yet, who has a massive crush on steph.  hrm... this may not turn out well.  i guess andy's girlfriend is gibbon's ex... and that's a long story in and of itself.  anyway, we chatted, we made kyle suffer (he was text messaging some girl... let it suffice to say, by the end of the messaging, through urging via gibbons and i, the last few messages contained the word "naked".  if you catch my drift.), and we played bocce ball in the rain.  i lost each time, but hey, it was fun.  and now... i am beat.  yawn...

i was thinking about my blog entry titles.  each title does have a meaning, if you can believe that, and it's not just there because i liked the arrangement of the words:

i just realized that i'm sitting here with a smirk on my face.  i'm feeling rather self-satisfied for a change.  it all has to do with a decision i made - a decision i can't share.  off-topic, i was reading katie's blog and thinking, how does she write so much?  granted, if i upped my font size, it would appear to be more (her font is larger...), but still.  anyway.  i am wide-awake right now.  how is it that people actually sleep at this hour?

you'd think that i would do something productive with my time, since i'm stuck at home, alone.  but no; what i do do is this.  how miserably pathetic.  my cell went off during work tonight - oops.  our cells aren't even supposed to be on, then all of a sudden, mine began to ring.  i literally sprinted over and turned the sound off.  it was jello - i thought she knew when i worked, but i guess not.  i saw phil today for the first time in months.  that was probably the highlight of my day.  unfortunatly, i did not get to talk to him for very long, and he's only up for the weekend.  sigh.  maybe he'll be in the coffee shop tomorrow.  that'd be nice - i really want to sit down for a conversation.  he seems like he's doing better now, too.  it was vaguely interesting seeing who came into work today - travis came in twice, gio, jon, paula, josh, kyle, tyler...  rhonda calls travis "smart boy" and thinks that he uses large words.  that's kind of funny, actually.  and barb says that i have a large vocabulary.  i guess i do, but it seldom comes up in this blog.

whoo, yay for butthole surfers - "pepper".  anyway, it's been a long, strange day.  i wish i could help val, i honestly do.  but how can you help someone else when you can't even help yourself?  my room is disgustingly messy right now, and i need to do laundry.  except for the one, simple fact that i'm too lazy lately... ah well.  oh, i bought "the basic writings of nietzsche" today, when i was in town (i got my car back, btw - the battery was shot, so nothing big.).  so i'm excited that i finally have something interesting to read again.  right now i'm rereading "east of eden" by steinbeck.  i seriously need to just buy this book.  right.  it's been a bad day, and donna and moronic customers only make it worse.  actually, they're what makes the day bad in the first place.  donna's been so angry lately, and i just don't understand why.  it's like val and i can't do anything right when she is around us.  it's gotten to the point where i just utterly despise my job and want to quit.  i hate fridays, i honestly do, because i work with rhonda and donna.  i can't do this.  granted, the money is nice, but - i think i may have to back off on fridays.  i just can't do it.  mondays and thursdays are nice because i work with val.  tuesdays are survivable, but no more than that.  sigh.  i just don't know what to do.  i'm in a foul mood, aided by the fact that i didn't get off work until 10:10 or later again tonight.  donna's so mean; we have jehovah's witnesses that come in, and donna always calls them the "fags".  she says it loud, so that they could possibly hear.  she just doesn't understand either when i say she shouldn't say that so loud, or when i take offense at that.  they're nice people...  i don't know, i just hate my job.  that's all there is to it.  i don't think the raise is worth it anymore.  it's not.  anyway, i went over and visited blayne after i brought val home.  after a bit, tyler showed up.  that was... interesting.  chatting with tyler is always an experience, to say the least.

right.  i am extremely tired right now, and i would be sleeping, but i just got a text message from andy's cell, asking if i was awake.  i replied in the affirmative, and he has yet to reply now... then again, that was only four minutes ago.  ah, wait, he wanted rhonda's email address.  well, that's boring.

at any rate, it's been an insane day.  following travis around is like chasing after a five year old.  not that i'm complaining, i'm just merely stating a fact.  we got seperated from the rest of the class a few times, which was actually probably more interesting that way.  we ended up on the wrong side of the river at one point.  before that, travis made a leap for a rock, not noticing there wasn't one, and got intimatly acquainted with the river.  at one point, we did catch up with a few class members, but we soon went our own way, yet again.  and even came out ahead of them when we wound up on a road, confused.  right.  i don't have the energy to blog.

for some bizarre reason, i am slightly tired right now.  i've been so sleepy lately, i don't get it.  i shouldn't be sleep-deprived, i'm getting more than enough sleep.  ah, maybe there's the problem.  my body isn't used to getting nine hours of sleep.  as soon as i got home from work, mom and i got in an argument about my sleeping habits.  she doesn't like the fact that i go to bed around five or so.  i still see nothing wrong with it.  i want my car.  who knows when i'll ever get it back - first off, my battery was too dead to test, and then second of all, some expensive piece of machinery they needed broke and so they were forced to order another one.  sigh.  someone up there doesn't like me.  "unwell" is in an apple ad.  that was exciting...oder etwas.  yay for matchbox twenty - but macs still suck.  instant grits:  there's just something inherantly wrong about that.  and that reminds me of something... grit police.  who was i with that was discussing that?  must have been blayne and travis...  i still haven't studied for my geology quiz.  ah well, i guess i don't really care.  which is kind of sad, actually, since i should care whether or not i do well in that class.  i guess i can study later - or study in the car.  assuming, of course, that i end up caring enough to at least look that stuff over.  maybe i'll glance at what he said it was going to be on, then skim those portions of the book and notes.  again, assuming i have those notes, since i accidently missed a full day's worth of notes.  oops.  it's starting to thunder out - highly exciting.  jason kottke posted this, which i think would make great lyrics for a techno song.  oder etwas.

the cat is rolling around in the dog's hair right now.  i don't understand the appeal of shed-dog-hairs.  but hey, whatever makes her happy.  it's cheaper than catnip, anyway.  i think sometimes i creep mom out because i prefer the night (always have), prefer shadow to sun (again, always have) and have a new regard for storms.  before, they scared me.  now i love them.  what time is it?  ah... i have to wake her up in an hour and a half.  she has adoration tonight.  ... and i'm lonely...

i love the rain; you have no idea.  i am just so incredibly happy when i sit and watch the storm outside my window.  i can't wait until the screenhouse is done.  i'll sit out there and watch the lightning...  anyway, my mom is worried about me.  she wants me to get checked for depression.  look, either way, it doesn't matter:  i'm not going on medication or talking to a psychiatrist.  i just think there's something wrong with having to depend on a pill for your happiness.  of course, she doesn't always help matters.  she stuck a scale in my bathroom today - what, is this some not-so-subtle hint?  i'm a size 3, i don't think i'm fat... but this will only further add to the lack of what little self-esteem i do possess.

i regret ever sending that.  i honestly do.  i told you that, but i don't think you care.  as the day wore on, i pretty much forgot about it.  and now i checked my mail and i don't remember seeing you ever that pissed.  i'm sorry.  i should not have said anything, that was stupid of me, if only because i hate having people angry at me.  no, that's a lie.  i regret it because i angered you, and i feel awful about it because you're my friend.  but now... do you know what's hard to deal with, besides your anger?  your apathy: "I guess I missed something..... But I am not too worried about it..."  and with that you end your (second) email.  because obviously one email wasn't sufficient to bitch me out.  if it's any comfort to you, i feel horrible right now.  i'm not angry anymore.  i got a few sparks of rage with each email that you sent, but...  at any rate, i feel physically ill right now.  this is why i don't let emotions show.  this is where it gets me:  no where.  i thought we could be civilized about this.  i guess i thought wrong.  we seem more intent on taking sharp little jabs at each other.  and again, i am sorry.

it seems like no matter what i do, i'll always end up regretting it at some point.  no, i take that back.  if i stick up for myself in any way, shape, or form, then i'll end up regretting it rather quickly.  i sent travis a pm today, talking a bit about last night.  he's at work, still, so i have roughly 45 minutes or so before he sees it.  i wonder what he's gonna say?

i have a self-destructive personality.  not self-destructive as in cutting or burning, though.  other, more seemingly-innocent things.  things that normally probably would not be constued as self-destructive habits, oder etwas.  things like deliberate sleep-deprivation.  or, alternativly, sleeping 14 hours or more.  when i'm sad, i'll overeat - and gain weight.  when i'm happy - i'll pretty much just quit eating, resulting in weight loss.  so my weight fluctuates a lot.  right now i'm in an over-eating phase - and have been that way for a while now.

i'm debating whether or not to post the pm later.  i may, if he does respond to it like i asked him to.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

time to listen to "everything to everyone" by everclear.  i'm stupid like that.  travis and i were going to go to watch a movie.  we stopped at s.a. to rent one.  well, travis saw sam and wanted to talk to her.  he ran off for a sec, and i moved in and grilled her - gently.  guess what they were talking about?  jenny.  "i guess he kind of has a crush on her," she said.  "oh."  i went back and leaned against the building.  pat came out and offered me free coffee, which i took him up on.  i told him, when he asked, that they were talking about jenny.  "jenny, my sister, jenny?"  "yeah."  "tell him to stay clear of her."  "why?"  and... i don't know.  few comment later, i said, "why don't you tell him that?"  "i've tried.  he doesn't listen to me.  he's gotta find out the hard way, i guess."  so anyway, i stood around s.a. for 40 minutes, getting pissier and pissier by the minute, waiting for travis to finish his convo with sam.  pat said something, and i blurted out bitterly, "let's castrate him."  there was dead silence for a second.  "you're really angry at him, aren't you?"  "yeah."  pat told me to steal his car and go home.  he said he deserved it.  which he did, and does, i still think.  you don't do that.  you don't say you're gonna watch a movie with me, then ditch me for 40 minutes, talking to another girl about yet another girl.  you just don't.  he came in, smiling, oblivious.  i glared at him.  "she wanted to castrate you," pat told him.  travis just smiled and shrugged.  "40 minutes,"  pat told him.  he shrugged again, saying he hasn't talked to sam for a while.  well, if that was the case, you wouldn't have had to go around the corner to make sure i couldn't hear you now, is it?  i can't believe you're that stupid and callous.  and i can't believe that after that, i know i am still going to treat you to dinner.  i know myself too well - and i hate myself for it.  i wish i made off with his car.  i wish i had said screw you, you're being a prick, take me home now.  but i didn't; i went off to his house and watched the movie and told myself that this meant nothing.  stupid girl.

my car died on the way back from brainerd today.  to be exact, it died right at the stoplight.  i put on my flashers, and... well, sat there.  i got off the phone with jello, called dad, and listened to the honking of horns behind me.  after a few minutes, some guy came and helped me get my car to the side of the road.  i sat there, sweating because of the heat, and watched the cars pass by and gawk.  finally dad showed me, and we called a tow truck.  so we sat for roughly 45 minutes waiting for them to appear.  long story short, that alone cost me $60.  and i won't have a car until monday.  come monday, i'll probably be out at least $200 more.  woe is car-less phoenix.

i am happy beyond words right now.  just a little while ago, i got back from a cruise with blayne.  that inexpressable feeling - it happens so few times; it's one of those things i thing everyone lives for - for that feeling.  we put up through all these tragedies for the inexplicable, little joys.  i don't know why it made me so happy, but it did.  cruising at 1 am, sunroof down, gazing at the stars, with orgy - "blue monday", just cranked...  somehow, the combination of those just... wow.  i love stargazing.  not the technical, nor the hollywood, aspect.  just gawking at the beauty of them.  i can't wait until we finish the screen house.  i'm going to sit in there at 2,3,4 in the morning and stare in awe and wonder at the sky.  it almost... it almost brings out my spiritual side, convinces me that there truly is a benign and merciful god.

anyway, next sunday i'm taking travis out to dinner, as his birthday is next monday...  i wonder where he wants to go?  ah well... doesn't matter, really.  so long as it's not uber-expensive, since i also have to pay for webhosting still.  but whatever, treating him to dinner i think is a nice birthday present.  ah, i'm listening to "wonderwall" by oasis right now.  i love this song; it sums up exactly how i'm feeling right now.  go on, read the lyrics.

and, of course, a quickie on the whole rhonda situation.  she told donna, "i hate phoenix right now.", yet she was sickly sweet to my face.  that pissed me off.  i prefer honest hatred to false friendship.  not only did she beg me to work tonight, she also called me this morning, asking me to work.  no.  i won't.  so she tried to guilt-trip me, by telling me how he was only nine years old.  i thought i was gonna break down from the guilt, but i stood my ground.  then she offered me $40.  money was tempting, but at this point, it was the principle of the thing.  no chance in hell i'm working tomorrow, er, today, for her.

kody sat down on the avenue
he tapped his feet, to the humming of the highway
he watched the light shine down on the broken glass, and
thought
I don't got no reasons, yet
there it is and there it was
it was clear to all of us
we kept this hat of broken dreams
and we pulled them out, when we needed them around

so please hand me the bottle, I think I'm lonely now
and please give me direction, I think the hurt set in
and I don't feel nothing

there's a squeak hinge down on the back gate
it lets us know if he comes around
I don't sleep that good anyway
if you've never heard that silence, it's a God awful sound

so please hand me the bottle, I think I'm lonely now
and please give me direction, I think the hurt set in
and I don't feel nothing

I don't feel nothing, no I don't feel nothing
there's nothing to feel good about here

don't much get down to the avenue
I could drive, but it takes so much to get there
don't get off on all the broken glass, the cadillac scene,

well I've seen a lot of good things die and I'm
in an over emotional way

so please hand me the bottle, I think I'm lonely now
and please give me direction, I think the hurt set in
and I don't feel nothing

--"kody", matchbox twenty

i love the gd.  gah, you gotta love the people there.  ...erm, yes, anyway, i'm so happy i no longer have a curfew.  but right now, life is so messed up at home.  tensions are running high - i'm an emotional roller coaster, and mom is going through menopause.  oh, it's fun around here... ugh.  so i lock myself in my room, crank up the music, and sit on irc and the gd.

i hate people.  almost all of them need to be weeded out.  i told val that we needed to shoot them in the face with an uzi.  she disagreed, so i suggested a bazooka instead.  "oh, that's all right then; god will forgive us."  right.  time to find a bazooka, then.  time to weed out all those asinine customers that get right up in my face and scream at me.  and when i say scream, i mean literally scream.  it's my fault that our store switched companies and so we don't stock certain food items anymore.  it's not my fault that we don't do the freaking stamps anymore!  i'm glad we got rid of stamps; i hate those things.  more trouble that they're worth.  but no, the stupid old people!  gah, let's just get rid of half the old people.  some old lady bitched at me today because i didn't give her the senior discount.  you're supposed to ask, you old hag, i don't just give you it.  so she yelled at me.  i made no move to give her some money back.  she bitched at me some more, and demanded i give her a whole quarter.  whoo, she got back a whopping $0.25, and wasted five minutes of her precious little time left on earth arguing with me.  they yelled at me because i forgot what brand of cigarettes they smoke.  sorry, i deal with over a hundred people a day, what do you expect?  gah.  they scream because we're out of stock on some items.  of course we're gonna be out of stock!  we're switching distributors!  don't yell at me because we're no longer doing stamps.  do i look like i'm the one making decisions?  no, i'm just a lowly cashier waiting on idiots like you.  a lowly cashier with plaster in her hair, because they are drilling a hole above my head to put in a security camera.  then, of course, let's not forget those people that yelled at val and i as we walked out of the store.  how dare we close at 10!  well, their watches say it's only 9:55.  and so on, and so on.  i hate people.  the woman was like, "so you already locked down and counted the money?  so what, does the store close at 9:30, then?"  she did this in the bitchiest tone you could imagine.  and then there's rhonda.  rhonda called me at work, wanting me to work saturday for her, 4-8.  first of all, that's stupid in and of itself.  what, she's gonna work two whole freaking hours?  she tried to guilt-trip me into working for her, saying i'm the only person left to work.  well, what about jenni?  oh, no, jenni can't do it:  she works five days a week.  jenni works truck three days a week, and two nights.  truck takes like three hours.  jenni works 21 hours a week, give or take.  i work 24 hours a week, plus a class that takes between 8-10 hours.  i do a hell of a lot more than jenni does.  anyway, rhonda knows what days she's required to work.  but no.  instead of planning her son's birthday party for a different day, or doing it earlier (why couldn't she start the party at say, 10, or noon?  rather than 2, when she has to work at 4?)  and really, how many little kid birthday parties last until 8 at night?  so, she tells me that if i don't work for her, it'll be all my fault that robbie's party is canceled.  he'll be so so disappointed.  yeah, well, you should have thought of that, shouldn't you have?  she came into the store tonight afterwards, and val carried out for her.  she whined about me behind my back.  she already does that, saying i should be required to work weekends.  but yeah, she said that it's so horrible that i won't work for her, and that she's worked for me like six times and i've never worked for her.  i'm sure.  i can recall quite clearly at least two times i've worked for her, and she has never worked for me.  we have only switched days.  i hate people.

it's raining outside.  that has made me feel so much better.  yay for rain.  heh, 'rain' reminds me...
[02:21] < r4in > Me singing, nate playing bass, sean on drums, you doing lead guitar, me doing misc simple backup type guitar.
holy.  phoenix on lead guitar?  holy... holy!  that's just... i don't know.

but yeah, it's just been one of those days.  my wrists and portions of my arms are red, due to my running the sharp edge of a paperclip up and down them.  like i said, it's been one of those days.  and... oh.  there goes mom... i wonder where she's going?  eh, probably to adoration.  i wonder if she saw the rope lights through the window?  ah well.

my head is bleeding.  that's okay, the crimson contrasts quite nicely with the black/blue/purple that is covering the side of my elbow.  there are bugs in here; fruit flies.  odd.  i blame it on the random popcorn bits megan scattered around the carpeting.  so travis came in once tonight, which was nice, but i miss having him come in twice a night.  blayne didn't come in, and i was actually kind of hoping that he would stop in.  i need to remember to stop in and drop off my application tomorrow.  and to make a run to the bank, so that when webhosting renews, there's actually money of mine that they can gank.  anyway, looks like it's going to be yet another exciting night of sitting on my fat butt, while i stare at a monitor.  i'm going to cry.  i have no idea why, and that scares me.  but all of a sudden, i feel like i am about to break into tears.  i hate customers, i honestly do.  c'mon, idiots, you're not in the cities.  obviously we're not going to carry everything that you got used to having and desire.  that's just not going to happen.  you came here to experience the quaint, backwoods sensation.  this is quaintness, damnit; get used to it.

i am so obsessed with this song.  anyway, at any rate, jim and megan came over tonight, and jim wanted to see my guitar.  he played it, and is impressed with it.  jim's a great guy; megan's quite lucky.  i'm honored to be able to call him one of my friends, as he's just a sweet guy, a gentleman.  as is travis.  um.  anyway. ...i am getting pinged on irc every 13 minutes, this is hilarious.  i noticed this last night...  i'm not tired at all.  i both love and hate this sleep schedule.  and i'm sort of lonely right now.  sigh.  and, obviously, chatting on irc isn't the same as being right there with someone... which is what i want.

i just got off the phone with travis; we talked for little over an hour.  gah, it was so nice talking to him for that long again, about, well, anything.  he talked about his dad for a while and how he visited him.  i cannot even begin to imagine how that must feel.  my heart goes out to the both of them.  i have no idea how hard that must be, and i am thankful that i cannot ever realize that.  i just... i don't know what to do.  i just wish there was a way that i could make everything better for him and his family.  i just want travis to be happy.  when we were talking, he sounded so emotional.  i know that if he cried, i would have cried.  i almost did.  i don't understand how life can be so cold for some, while others get to escape suffering.  it's so unfair.  i know life is unfair.  but still...  right now, i'm not even thinking as i'm typing this out.  this is pure, unadulterated, unfiltered emotions, which is rare for me, because my life is led by the rule of not showing emotions.  i will only show what i am really feeling with so few people.  sometimes it doesn't seem like that, i know, because of this blog.  but alot of the time, i am careful (semi, at least) of what i post.  and in person, i don't show my emotions.  or, people will see a fake emotion.  i've gotten good at faking, and i can pretend whatever.  i can be the phoenix that people expect or want to see.  i don't think people fully realize how little they see of the 'real' phoenix in actuality.  my parents see the real me around half of the time.  the only people that i can truly say see the real me constantly, whether they want to or not, are travis and val.  i just want those two to be happy.  val is doing much better, and i'm thankful for that.  i don't know... i just love those two so much.  i would do anything in my power to make them happy or their life better or easier.  i almost cried thinking about travis today, and the torrent of emotions i'm sure that he went through.  i realize that i'm repeating myself quite frequently right now, but remember, what i'm typing is what i'm thinking at that exact moment, no going back and editing something.  i'm addicted to "kiss the rain" right now.  it makes me both happy and sad at the same time, which so very few songs can do.  it, too, reminds me of travis.  there's just something about having a certain song to remind you of someone.  then again, so many songs make me think of travis.  and "innocent" by our lady peace brings to mind val.  i cried this morning but i don't remember why i cried.  i don't think i even fully realized why i was at the time.  it was 5:36 in the morning, i know.  i don't remember if i cried because i was crying for something that i wanted but was unsure if i'd get back, if it was a sudden and unwarranted sense of loneliness, or just because for some reason that i cannot yet fathom - because it was morning.  mornings depress me.  it is simply amazing that the power of music has on a person.  i cannot imagine a life without it.  anyway, jumping around again, i remember asking blayne why it was so much fun for him to piss people off.  he responded, "arrogance."  i guess i still don't understand the joy of antagonizing others.  life is hard enough as it is, why should we go out of our way to make others miserable?  it's probably something that i will never understand.  same with donna - i hate people coming in at 9:59 as much as she does.  however, she harbors a stronger sense of revenge than i do, i think.  she wishes that she could find out where all these people work, and do the exact same thing to them.  i, personally, try to never go into a store in the last 15 minutes, because i know how much it bothers me, and i figure that it bothers other people.  donna's theory is, hey, they do it to me, so i can do it to them.  that reminds me of a quote by ghandi:  "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".  then again, that quote would appeal to me because i'm the stupid, over-emotional, vegetarian (thinking of going vegan), yoga-practicing, animal-rightist.

my cell phone just rang:  "hey, phoenix, what are you doing?"  "nothing."  "want to do something?"  "sure."  "okay.  jim and i will be over around eight."  uh... okay... y'know, 6 oz of raspberries really isn't that much.  i went to cub, and i didn't even reach bir before i consumed them all.  i want more; i love raspberries.  i went to bed around 6:30 this morning, and got up at exactly 8:00 a.m.  got back home shortly after 10 a.m., and slept until 3:45.

i was listening to tabitha's secret, "jesus was an alien", and decided to google the lyrics.  then, this ad came up... i don't know, i just found it hilarious...  wow, i've only been up for a little over twelve hours, now.  anyway, i had the webcam going again for a while tonight.  not that that is overly exciting, but... meh.  at least the image on "webcam" is different, for a change...

megan, jim, and steph came over tonight.  that was nice, i haven't seen them for a while.  and, i guess, jim said that as soon as the position opens up, i got the job.  so come fall, i'll have two jobs.  ah well, money will be nice.  well, that, or i could just quit the store.  then again, it might be best to work the two jobs and class... though that will be hard, it'll be good for me, i think.  whatever, i'll just decide then.  anyway, yeah, those three came over and we watched old school.  holy topless women combined with no plot whatsoever.  ah well, i guess it was a decent enough movie.  we ate pizza, drank bawls, tormented the cat, and the three of us girls whined about our jobs.  and life was good.  and i'm sick of sitting here by myself.  it's saturday night and i want to do something.  i called travis, but as usual, he's not answering his phone.  woe is phoenix.

the bitter irony:   the one thing i care about is the one thing that i can't have.

what is with me?  i don't have the energy to do anything anymore.  but still, i want to do something.  it's friday night, i want to go some place!  i don't want to sit at home... earlier i thought about calling blayne, but i don't know if he's pissed at me or not.  val has to work tomorrow... and i don't know about travis.  he probably wouldn't want to do anything.  anyway.  i'm wearing twistie-ties like rings, and i don't recall doing that... or why.  ditto with the "special!  not advertised!" sticker on my stomach.

i honestly don't have the requisite mental energy to blog today.  so, time for random factoids, courtesy of the gd:

yep, phoenix needs to watch herself just a bit more.  i knew blayne would read that, yet i wanted to vent... so i just scratched it out.  blayne was none too happy with that post, methinks.  at any rate, i'm too tired to really care right now.  i've been up since 6:15, didn't get home `til 8:00.  i spent my entire freaking day in the car.  i left for travis' at 7:40, then we headed off to the college, and then off to southwestern minnesota.  occasionally we left the vehicle to go look at rocks, or stumble into a gas station for food and drink.  highly non-eventful.  i think i slept, but i don't remember.  anyway, travis' shoulder makes a good pillow.  i think i'm going to throw up.  never again am i going to go a day where i just eat dq, combos, and m&ms (and all travis' food, at that...).  ah well, he offered...

so they called again.  talked to jimmy, jesse, and blayne.  no idea what they were talking about.  something about jimmy having to call me to tell me that they are eating meat.  someone was close to passing out, i think... and blayne was muttering something about strands falling apart.  strands of ideas?  i'm not real sure.  i got confused pretty quickly.  der, i need to stop talking to travis, get off irc, and get some sleep...

that was the funniest thing to happen to me in a long time.  the guys are all on the island, and since they're all smashed, decided to give phoenix a call!  i couldn't hear too well, and they couldn't talk too well.  the phone kept getting passed around, and i could hear each person talking in the background.  i think in three minutes, i ended up talking to about five people... jimmy, blayne, jesse, shawn, and jon.  i think...  i know i talked to jimmy, blayne, and jesse, but i can't remember if i talked to jon and shawn, or if i just heard them in the background.  they were babbling about all kinds of odd, random things.  they kept saying something about a seagull, but never got around to mentioning what it was about the seagull that they wanted to tell me.  they just kept saying, "tell her about the seagull!" and "i gotta tell you about the seagull!".  then shawn mentioned that he was drunk when he came into the store yesterday and he couldn't tell if it was me or not.  the rest... the rest of the conversation consisted of various people telling me how smashed everyone was.

to add to the weird day, travis showed up unannounced at my house today.  i heard the dog barking, and thought, "oh, mom and mike are home."  but no, the dog kept barking... so, slightly curious, i looked out the window and there was the vibe.  how odd...  but whatever.  we went rock hunting, me in bare feet and dirtied up my work pants.  ah well.  yay for walking in bare feet through mud and wet grass and various other things.  and then off to oh-so-exciting work.

i should finish up my geology homework, but i'll blog (yay for procrastination) and then do it.  so.  mike is with us for a week.  so far, all is good, i don't really even notice that he's here.  then again, it's not like i'm at home very often, either.  i've been gone all day so far.  i just got home, ran outside to find rocks, and just now came inside to run up to my room and blog.  mmm, coffee oreos.  the world's best almost-banned-cookie just got better - "now with caffeine flavoring!"  whoohoo.  well, i went and got my hair chopped today.  i went down to the gas station to show jim, and he said it was cute.  i like it - but i feel so weird.  almost naked.  jim wants me to spike it.  mom, as i predicted, freaked when she saw it.  she likes it, but... but yeah, here's a couple of pictures taken with the webcam... click to view full size.

it's always been my thinking that if someone is different enough from the rest of the herd, they don't feel the urge to go out of their way to mark themselves off as different.  they feel it, and that's enough for them.  they don't need to prove themselves.  don't mind me, i'm still licking my wounds from last night.  ah well, at least i got to vent later on.  i'm good now, i swear.  i must admit i was pissed last night, though.  but whatever; i'm not angry now, and my little above rant was going absolutely nowhere and was only somewhat coherant.  der.  i feel fat right now.  if i didn't have to work, i'd go for a walk.  ah well, i'll just go after work.  it'll be darker then, anyway.  ahh, falling asleep to "soul" by matchbox twenty and waking up to "in search of sunrise 3" by dj tiesto:  life is good.  ...except when you burn the back of your neck on a hair dryer.

y'know, when you think about it, even non-conformists are conformists...

so.  i guess my cousin is coming up for a week.  just one of them, though.  i'm not sure how told mike is, though... 10, maybe?  well, this out to be interesting - like having a little brother, oder etwas.  if he touches my stuff, though, he's going down.  i guess he's going to be sleeping in the basement, so that's good.

i'm talking to travis right now as i type this, which is nice.  i haven't really talked to travis on irc for a while now.  i was going to go to bed, since i'm going to go into town with blayne around noon or so... but i guess sleep is out of the question right now.  besides, i'm really not that tired, i guess.  i wonder how long i can last... plus tomorrow..er, today, i have to work.  i work with val, yay.  i wonder why travis is on irc at such weird times.  i mean, he didn't start talking until 2:30 a.m.  ah well, whatever.  lately i haven't been logging on until midnight or so.  ah, yes, good ranting convo with travis.  yay.

... holy undirected babbling ...

i adore walking in the rain.  when it was nice and sunny out today, i holed up in my room and slept.  but when it finally got dark out and began to rain, well, of course i'm going to go for a walk.  who cares if i'm dripping wet right now?  i actually got around to scanning some stuff, so there are a couple more pictures added to the cartoon drawings section.  and, of course, quotes and linkage are updated.  those are constantly being updated.

i hate america.  our culture is so shallow, cheap, and plastic. i hate the way our society is and i think i always will.  my mind-set is so different from that of the rest of american mainstream.  i don't know how to explain myself, but it's a natural thing with me.  however, it's not something i usually show.  it's not in the way i dress or speak.  it's in the way i think and feel.

i'm in a robert frost mood right now.  i dragged out my book of poetry by him and bookmarked my favorites.  one i'll post here on the blog, and since the other one is five pages long, click here to read it (it's good, i promise - but my hands hurt now from typing it.  ah, woe is phoenix):

escapist - never
he is no fugitive - escaped, escaping.
no one has seen him stumble looking back.
his fear is not behind him but beside him
on either hand to make his course perhaps
a crooked straightness yet no less a straightness.
he runs face forward.  he is a pursuer.
he seeks a seeker who in his turn seeks
another still, lost far into the distance.
any who seek him seek in him the seeker.
his life is a pursuit of a pursuit forever.
it is the future that creates his present.
all is an interminable chain of longing.

i have to get up early in the morning so i should probably go to bed soon.  der, the stupid cat.  well, we fixed the printer.  the problem was that there were misc. small objects shoved into the printer, courtesy of bella kitty.  so.  i bought the guitar.  i honestly am not going to buy any more crap after this, barring webhosting.  i'm sick of shelling out money, i want to just save it so that i can get out of this house.  and... i thought this was vaguely interesting:
Women really do lead men on for the first few minutes after they meet - but without knowing it...
read the article...

i must be on a female singer kick, oder etwas.  the only things i'm listening to are songs by garbage and evanescence.  i have yet to listen to darude, dj tiesto, or natalie imbruglia.  so.  the gd is debating the legalization of weed right now.  i think it's pretty evenly split; it's amazing how many people do or have done marijuana.  personally, i am all for the decriminalization of it.  gah, i want to buy that guitar, but i still have to shell out $148 or so for webhosting.  bah.

"are you and travis still friends?"  his mother asked me, vaguely concerned.  i assured that we were friends, still.  at least we are in my mind.  i saw larry and mary at garland's grad party today.  i talked to mary for a few minutes before i booked out of that place.  larry, of course, never said a word.  i did see garland's dad, but the only thing that he said to me was, "it's 3 p.m.!  what are you doing up so early?"  it must be fun to tease phoenix.  i don't care, i didn't mind, but it was a tad strange.  afterwards, i made a quick run to best buy to splurge, which i rarely do.  i ended up purchasing a natalie imbruglia cd, a dj tiesto cd, and a darude cd.  and with that, i depleted their entire stock of dj tiesto and darude.

get me out of this house.  now.  i can't take it any longer.  i need to get away from here.  i'm sick of worrying that they'll hear or see or touch or find something that they shouldn't.  i'm sick of living a lie around them.  i'm getting worse and i fear that if i don't get out now, someday soon they'll send me to a psychiatrist or stick me on some medication.  i'm paranoid because of them.  i fear even typing at this hour, scared it will wake them and they'll come up and see what i am doing.  the slightest noise petrifies me.  at this hour and time and scenario, i am like winston from 1984, when he was scrawling in that journal.  i need to type, i need to vent, i need to release, i need to feel less.  the cat is driving me crazy, i am going to scream.  she pounds on the door to be let out, she pounds on the door to be let in.  i could leave the door open, but then all my parents have to do is come up on the stairs and peer in.  an open door is never an option.  i hear movement downstairs or maybe it's just the dog.  i need out of this place.  someone get me out of here before i fully snap.  i can't take this much longer.

moo.  i feel so fat and lazy today.  whoo, i get to work with val tonight.  that makes work that much better.  speaking of val, that reminds me.  i printed off some pictures and i want to show them to her.  i'm trying to figure out if that haircut i want would look good on me.  i slept so much yesterday.  well, for a while my parents kept barging into my room to see if i was awake, or they felt like talking, or wanted to know i wanted to go to the dairy queen.  i just wanted to sleep, and finally freaked out, "why won't you let me sleep?  why why why?"  yeah, i think i definately needed the sleep, eh?  anyway, i need to get my butt out of this chair and actually do something.  i still have to write all those thank-you cards, run to the bank, and make a run to the post office.  oh, i hope it rains again today.  i love the rain.  and... no more food, ever again.  ugh.

why do i have such intense mood swings?  class was actually all right, much better than i thought it would be.  i was pretty happy, travis and i made decent partners (we got done with all the labs before everyone else), and it was nice having someone to talk to throughout the day.  in short, i was in a much better mood than i've been in for a few days.  then, i don't know what happened to me.  we finally got to leave, and sitting in the vibe, my mood just crashed.  i felt so depressed, and i have no idea why.  i'm still feeling that way right now.  sometimes i scare myself.

ah, crap.  i just sliced my already-bloody finger with my fingernail.  ah well, this finger will really scar over.  it'll be interesting, anyway. i want to get my hair chopped.  there's a certain way i want it - i'm not yet sure if it will look good on me, though.  heh, mom'll be in for a shock if i do it.  as will everyone else except for val. i think... it's time for a nap, now.

i am going to crash in the middle of class; i didn't get enough sleep.  i tried to go to bed early, but i can't fall asleep at midnight!  i'm thinking, when i get back home (around 5...ugh), i'm going to take a nap.  yay for sleep.  it probably didn't help that there was something making noises outside all night.  it sounded like either my neighbor's shih tzu, a small child, or a diseased chicken.  my bet is a on the rabid, diseased chicken.

"ewwww, your room never gets clean!"  shut up, you shouldn't be in here anyway.  i was in a decent mood.  last night i was so emotional that travis' comment bothered me.  today, just call him a bish and all is good.  some customer i see often gave me a graduation card.  that was sweet of her... it was homemade, too.  i was starving and needing chocolate, so at work i grabbed a sobe drive bar.  i've never had one before, but it sounded good.  donna immediatly asked if it contained caffeine.  i glanced down at the label:  "`milk chocolate with triple mocha blast.'  yep, i think it has caffeine, donna."

today was a typical day at work, as evidenced below by the following handy-dandy checklist:

i don't want to work.  erm, i didn't bring up notepad to whine... where is swaziland?  i ran across this article, thanks to jason kottke.  i recommend reading the article, it's uber-short, but pretty funny.

you can drive faster than 30 mph on the highway, you freaking morons!  gah!  anyway.  yes.  so i'm now on a garbage binge.  i just went out and bought garbage v.2, so now i have all the cds.  whoo.  highly exciting.  i have to work tonight with jenni.  i hate jenni.  everytime i put my foot on the gas, the battery light comes on.  that can't be good.  right, i'm babbling, time to shut up.

i hate being phoenix, i hate being me, i hate myself.  you have no idea.  i've begun crying myself to sleep at night again.  why do other people still have the power to make me cry?  all i wish for is that someone loved me.  that's all i want from life.  why is that so much to ask?

grrr.  i've already been severely disappointed and hurt once tonight, travis.  don't further irritate me.  don't ever piss off an already over-emotional girl.  by the way, both the title and my /quit are from "i think i'm paranoid" by garbage.  yay.

<--phoenix has quit (Quit: heaven knows what a girl can do)
< r4in > Heaven knows what a girl can do, why do you think satan left.
< r4in > ..
< r4in > I like that..
< r4in > Add it to the quotes..

so travis got his dsl back up and running.  whoo.  and, to tell the truth, i'm only blogging right now to stay awake.  i can hear my parents moving around downstairs and that unnerves me.  i hope they don't come up here; i don't want to talk to them.  the cat is pounding on the closet door.  stop, bella.  please?  i'm listening to a copy of the cd i made for val.  this is a decent mix, i do believe; an eclectic misture of:  our lady peace, matchbox twenty, alanis morissette, jimmy eat world, p!nk, everclear, good charlotte, goo goo dolls, tabitha's secret, third eye blind, oasis, newsboys, and green day.  so yeah.  but now time to switch over to my garbage, everclear, chumbawamba, boy hits car, and green day mix.  that'll keep me awake moreso than jimmy eat world will.  c'mon, travis, please hurry up; i need sleep.  post your song soon before i crash.

that's about the way it is, too.  do i just naturally gravitate towards people with slightly messed-up lives, or what?  maybe not... some of the people i interact with are normal.  or quasi-normal.  anyway.  work was pretty non-eventful, except for two incidents:  blayne walked in at 9:58, and we all freaked and told him he wasn't going to buy anything.  that, and i (stupidly, i now realize) told donna that i haven't been sleeping much lately.  "lay off the fucking caffeine!" she growled.

sometimes i think travis could be easily manipulated.  everyone has their achilles heel.  his is logic.  now, in that context, it doesn't make sense.  but you can get travis to do pretty much anything if you say it's logical.  like, for example, us riding together to class.  i didn't suggest it because that would be the logical thing to do, but i phrased it that way.  and so he replied, "Yeah, as it would be incredibly stupid to drive separate and waste gas. Meet at my house at like... 7:50?"

poor val.  i'm always here for you.  remember that.  and enjoy your cake, and pop, and scrolling mouse, and mix cd!  ;D
bah, i still have the hiccups.  i've had them on and off all day.
and now, just because this is my blog and i can do whatever i want, and the fact that i still find this amusing for some reason:

*Blayne heads home.. . sometime..
< Blayne > phoenix does too (?)
< val > hey phoenix
< Blayne > she punched me.
< val > hey blayne....does she have here phone with here
< Blayne > and told me... to tell you... that she'd be home soon...
< Blayne > in her car.
< val > hmm...oh well i left 2 messages...lol
< Blayne > she looks sleep deprived.
< val > hey tell her that josh now has maggies phone # is his phone..
< Blayne > "tell her I'll be home in like. 10 minutes."
< val > hmmm what are you guys doing?
< val > or what were you doing?
*Blayne tells phoenix " that josh now has maggies phone # is his phone.."
< Blayne > she mutters "this is entertaining. I don't want to leave, now."
< val > haha..
< jimmy > phoenix
< val > yeah and that the cd she burnt me is awsome!
< Blayne > I'm caffeine-intoxicated. it seems.
< Blayne > ..
< jimmy > you need to get hypnotised
< val > who am i talkin to?
< Blayne > "tell val that I'll be home shortly."
< jimmy >i cant spell
< Blayne > (she said it again)
< val > oh my gosh...sorry
< val > im soo confused!
< jimmy > 1 hour of that is like 8 hours of sleep
*Blayne is at the keyboard. .. and phoenix is peering over.
< jimmy > wonders if she is over ---> there
< Blayne > and I'm being a conduit or sorts.
< Blayne > she's over there <- .. kinda.
< Blayne > she'd be behind you, jimmy. if you haven't rearranged your room lately.
< jimmy > im in the office
< jimmy > on my server
< Blayne > "I'm so confused"
< jimmy >i moved it in there
< Blayne > "k. I am heading home now. and I'm going to talk to val."
< jimmy > it gets too warm in my room
< Blayne > it's really hot at cascade, as well.
< Blayne > phoenix just walked out.

i am both emotionally and physically drained right now.  my heart goes out to val; i wish i could do something, anything, for her.  just remember i'm always here for you, and you can call me at anytime.  and if you need me, i can always come over or you can come here.  i love you, and don't worry.

heh, i ran out to my car to get some bawls for blayne.  a cop drove by, as i was bent over my trunk extracting five blue bottles that look suspicially like skyy.  i ran inside, dropped `em off, then went back to my car.  the cop was sitting there watching me.

holy!  there are bad drivers, and then there is phoenix.  driving, i saw travis, blayne, and scott.  they pulled off a road a car behind me.  we got to a set of lights further up, and they pulled up right next to my car.  i, being a distracted driver, looked over at them, not noticing the hulking red s.u.v. in front of me.  the hulking red s.u.v. that was stopped.  i glanced back towards my side of the road and slammed on the brakes, eyes wide.  from where i was, it looked like the vehicle in front of me was two inches away, give or take.

i'm a better lyricist than guitarist, methinks.  sadly, that's not saying much.  then again, i've been playing guitar off and on for so long, i haven't practiced steady for any decent length of time.  i still want that guitar... i should just order it, regardless of whether or not travis' band gets off the ground.  i need to find a garbage songbook.  yay for shirley manson.

i have a warped view of life that is not wholly compatible with american culture.

i'm listening to "don't let it show" by alan parsons project.  dad bought this cd yesterday, and told me that i'd like this song, as it's about not showing your emotions.  it is a decent song, i must admit.  very low key.  low key is always nice when you're not fully awake.  of course, the wallflowers are always good, too.  jakob dylan sounds so much like his father.  in a good way.  speaking of the wallflowers, i think the book of sheet music that i just bought has "sleepwalker" in it.  i was flipping through that book last night on the way home and realized how easy green day music is.  whoo, phoenix can play green day on guitar.  ugh, i'm thinking i'm going to head back to bed for a bit.  i only got a couple hours of sleep.  holdingford.  holy.  that was insane.  when i realized where we were, i freaked.  it was one in the morning, and we were almost to holdingford.  i wonder how far blayne would have driven if i hadn't made him turn around and head back home.  as it was, i didn't get back home until 2:20 a.m.  ah well.  heh, so blayne has a blog now?  yay...  der.  back to sleep now.

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