i'm a bit depressed and quite lonely, but i'm forcing myself to stay here and be fine.  i've already harassed locke for four nights - he doesn't need to suffer anymore.  well, i'll be able to make rent for july, which makes me quite happy.  granted, i'll have almost no money for food, but hey.  according to the scale in the doctor's office, i've gained.  the psychologist didn't seem too shocked when i told her what happened.  her response, "a lot of my patients seem to do that."  oh, that's reassuring...  but hey, i'm not being committed.  yay.  and check this out:
(click to read it)

well, in a couple hours i'll know if i'm going to be institionalized or not.  let's hope not.  the doctor is now putting me on celexa.  he wavered between that and prozac for a bit.  and let's all give locke a hand for putting up with me for, what was it, four nights?  things went relatively smoothly between us, except for the time when he physically held me down, grabbed my head, and yanked my eyelids so that i would look him in the eyes.  and when i punched him in the face.  and the heated arguement...  but yeah.  now that the cow blood and heart is out of my apartment, it smells normal again.  yay.  speaking of, locke and i went and did a lil' photoshoot yesterday; some photos can be seen here.  ugh.  i hope i don't get committed.  it's all up to ruth - hopefully i'll seem okay enough to remain on my own.

it was almost two in the morning, and all i wanted was to leave the e.r.  i was sick of arguing with the nurse and doctor who refused to believe my lie.  my doctor (incidentally, father of a girl i know) went to talk to the hospital psychiatrist, who agreed to let me leave under some conditions.  i go to my psycholist and my doctor, and i am under locke's care for the next few days.  maybe i should start more towards the beginning.  i ended up telling locke about what i had done.  he remained calm for a while, until i asked where we were going.  i freaked when he informed me we were going to the hospital.  he reprimanded me like a toddler, telling me how selfish i was.  scared to death of going to the hospital, i told him that if we did, i would get out and walk.  "and i'll just inform them of a suicidal runaway." he bitterly responded.  eventually we ended up... i'm not sure where.  when i refused to get out of the car, he raised his voice, telling me that if someone needs to come get me, i'll be instituntionalized for sure.  the person there informs locke that i should be okay, but i should go to the e.r. just in case, so off we go, me crouched in the seat and terrified.  in the end, it came down to either locke watching me, or the hospital watching me.  i'm not sure how i'm going to explain this to my parents.  they will commit me for sure.  locke actually thinks that's a good idea.  honestly, i would sooner commit myself than let them.  i don't want to let them have that much power over my life.

i feared locke would show up and i would have to explain myself to him and his anger.  then i realized, no, that's unlikely.  i doubt he cares enough to drive over here and check up on me.

who, and why, is someone calling me from london, ontario?  and andy's moving to illinois...

yesterday katrina and i hung out for a few hours.  after stopping by the bank, we headed over to the school to see what they were ripping up.  we're not sure what they're doing - making a new track, parking lot...?  no idea.  it downpoured, so we ended up soaking wet.  we took shelter in the school, where we stared up at the photos of our classmates.  between the two of us, we knew what happened to almost all of them.  it's only been a year and we're already doing that.  ah well.  afterwards, we grabbed some coffee (much to the dismay and hate of steph, it seemed) and went into town.  we ended up picking up some food (including a rather odd veggie "light" pizza.  it was good, though.) and just watching tv.

let's see.  today i've thrown up, passed out, and sobbed.  yep, sounds par for the course.

i just need someone to hold me and tell me everything is all right.  but i lost that long ago.

uber-venting blog.  if you are one of those sick of my crying, i suggest you skip this entry.

i'm bawling, i feel like everything is so messed up right now.  i feel one way, but it says another.  it's all in my mind, it's just side effects.  i retort back about it being side effects and i get called a psychotic bitch.  i sob even harder.  i hid my knife.  yeah, this could be stressful for him.  but i don't think he has any idea how this impacts me.  especially when i'm emotionally unstable as it is.  and now i'll go drown my sorrows in food.  which will make me cry even harder afterwards.  i'll ponder my body and wonder who is correct.  then i'll cry, as i do everynight.  then cry harder, recalling that through my own fault, i've lost everyone i had that could be here to help and comfort me.

phoenixtx.com will be down for a bit starting june 28.  i can't currently afford hosting, and have to wait for the next paycheck.  first rent, then hosting.  i am also switching to a host where it will only cost me 1/4 of what i am paying now.  for those that care, entries will be posted on my da account during that time.

hrm.  well, um, quite... quite the day today.  locke brought along his camera for the day, and we ended up in town, where we've taken pictures before.  the entire time we were there we heard voices, as well as a few other things which i'm unsure as to what they were.  now, this wouldn't have been so creepy if it wasn't for the fact that these buildings were abandoned and had satanic symbols on them.  at one point, i got pissed and walked off.  i was paranoid the entire time i was walking away from locke.  especially when i saw a person in a window.  when i finally reached where we parked, i sat atop locke's car and trembled until i saw him coming.  a few times today my vision shifted suddenly, and i would feel like i was going to faint, but i never did.  that didn't concern me too much, though.  afterwards, we went to see dodgeball which was actually funnier than i thought it was going to be.  afterwards, we went to pizza hut, which was fun.  i haven't been there for ages.  and locke was nice and ordered stuffed crust - yay.  barring my little fit, it was a good day.

so, let's see... on my mom's side of the family, i:  have a cousin just getting out of jail, an uncle in jail for two months (and if gets another dui - 5 years), an aunt in jail and her daughter lost her job, quit school, lost her car, stole a friends credit card, racked up $500 on it, and is now getting sued.

most nights now i sit wishing for things that keep themselves hidden from me.  i know this is a topic i appear to moan about constantly, but i don't care.  it's something that's always on my mind.  i always used to laugh at those girls that would be overly dramatic:  "oh, woe is me!  i've been single for two weeks!  my life is at an end!"  but, that was then.  now almost everynight i break down crying.  the only thing i desire is love, and i feel like i am never going to find it.  perhaps i'm obsessive.  perhaps i'm crazy.  but to me, being with a loved one is nirvana.  and i feel so unloveable.  somedays i can't wait to move because maybe, just maybe, i'll find someone.  then doubt kicks in and i'm crying again.  i don't understand why i'm like this.  i really wish i could be more normal.  even my dreams forbid me relief.

this is not that hard to comprehend!  if you want a good relationship with your daughter, don't steal her stuff!  a couple weeks back, give or take, i noticed that a framed photo of locke was missing.  i had no idea what happened to it, and looked everywhere.  well, today i went over to my parents and they weren't there.  i went upstairs to see if i could find my digital camera.  open the drawer - guess what's right next to the camera?  that's right - the frame, minus the photo.  mom probably ripped the photo up and threw it away.  i grabbed the frame, made a cursory look for the picture, and stormed out of the house.  i'm extremely upset.  what did was illegal, first off.  and what, does she think getting rid of things she deems wrong will make me jump back into her life?  no.  in fact, i trust her much less now.  stay away from me and my apartment, capisce?

a package was sent to me from the oak ridge national laboratory: genome management information system.  i'm sure my parents were wondering what i was doing now.  the package contained information on genomics and poster listing all the genomes.  i forget when i even requested this...

i just fell asleep at the keyboard.  geez.

...

well, at 11:00, i decided to go back since i had told dad i would stop by.  i should at least see him, since he had nothing to do with it.  of course, i saw mom there.  apparantly i didn't look too happy, and she asked what was wrong.  i confronted her and we ended up in a big fight.  frustrated and stressed, i decided to take off.  just as i was slipping my shoes back on dad stopped me.  he and i just talked for 45 more minutes - just the two of us.  i'm still incredibly angry, however.

i am a dork.  it was the end of work, and i was listening to the radio when the dj asked, "in what country did paul mccartney spend a day in jail in 1980?"  i blurted out "japan!" before he even rattled off the choices.  japan was, of course, correct.  i should have called in.  i wonder what the prize was?

i can't wait for college.  i don't think i'll mind living in a dorm... too much.  and... i'll meet people.  which seems to be an unusually high priority right now for some reason.

i'm too tired to think.  g`night.

i live my life in depression and paranoia.  it wouldn't be so bad if i wouldn't get random phone calls from home at strange times that just leave messages that sound upset and request i call them.  and send poems expressing their deep, deep sorrow at something.  it makes me uneasy, to say the least.

you stay out of my life, all right?  i don't want to talk to you anymore.  you're cocky and arrogant.  and i lied when i was dating you - you have no musical talent whatsoever.  so get over yourself.  you're 22 - go to college, get a degree in something.  like teaching - you probably have talent there.  but not singing.  first of all, if you want to major in that, you need to pass an audition.  small chance you will.  face it - you don't have the abilities.  you're brain is not set to understand music the way someone else would.  you cannot grasp certain things sufficiently.  you sing in falsetto, you're out of tune, and everyone laughs at you behind your back.  so stop thinking you're so great.  once you can sing in key, and understand the basic concept of notes and rests, then maybe - just maybe, you could have a tiny chance.  until then, you sound like a drunken prepubescent squirrel.  i think it's time we stopped humouring you.  or you're in for a shock the first time you audition...  oh, and one other thing:  if you ever start a band, i will never join you, capisce?  frankly, i'm sick of you and all that you stand for.

i feel like such an idiot.  every time i try to install something in mandrake, i have problems...

how did i get on the national dean's list?  only 1/2 of 1% apparantly get it.  my grades don't warrant it.  hrm... i'm confused.

so when you're standing by a lake with nothing to do, what do you do?  that's right:  throw rocks at dead fish and watch dragonflies mate.  wow, i'm pathetic.

right.  not much else to babble on about.  talked to val for 45 minutes on the phone, which was wonderful.  i miss her so much.  she sent a couple photos, too - her puppy, and her covered in kool whip.  locke got dsl, and made sure to rub it in.  i'm jealous.  ah well - not like i can afford dsl right now anyway.

i want to do something fun with myself, but i'm not sure what.

today was actually a pretty good day, even if i did learn that gas masks make me clausterphobic.  the two of us went out and took some shots, which i think turned out really well.  the only downside was the vast swarms of mosquitos intent on sucking out all my blood.  if he uploads them, i'll try to remember to link to them so you can see.  well, i figured out something to help me stop cutting.  whenever i get the urge to cut, i tweeze.  i realize that doesn't sound like it makes any sense.  instead of cutting, i grab a tweezers, and take off the hair on my legs and what-have-you.  now, about half the time this is a good idea.  the rest of the time, i'm noticing something odd.  the spot where i pluck the hair turns red.  so, it's a good thing that no one wants to see phoenix naked right now, because in a couple spots, it looks like i have a skin disease.  that makes me sad.  journey, see, you never have to worry about me stalking you.  you live in the same town as me, apparantly extremely close to me, and yet i still can't find your residence.  and i'm still hopelessly confused by your directions.  ah well...

poor baby.  my tasha had an abscessed tooth removed, she has incontinence, a urinary tract infection, and urine scald.

is it just me, or does this sentence sound utterly strange?  David discusses how poor choices led to the horrific murders he committed, and how he eventually became a Christian.  no, it's not a chick tract.  it's about david "son of sam" berkowitz, from forgiven for life.  and terry nichols, the oklahoma city bomber, was spared the death penalty because he became a christian.  now, i'm against the death penalty myself, but still!  if he was atheist, i bet they would have no problems with him getting the death penalty.  and... this is just disturbing.  if you do a search on google for "fundamentalist christian" guess what the first link is?  jeffrey dahmer.  dad showed me some scottish liquor he had recieved.  he seemed pretty excited about it.  he then gave me some scottish crackers - they look kinda scary.

currently addicted to:  soul into hades - lacuna coil.

you know you have way too much free time when you think tweezing your legs would be a good idea.  i was invited to erick's graduation party, and i stayed for a couple of hours.  of course, i knew no one there besides the obvious.  well, one other person i used to see at the grocery store almost every day, but i don't think he remembered me.  it was fairly uneventful, even counting when i got a martini spilled on me.  which, i guess, really isn't that exciting.  but anyway.  life has been pretty noneventful as of late.  ew, for some reason i can smell cigarette smoke.  disgusting.  work's been all right - i hate the idea of going there, but once i'm there i'm fine.  i rather like not working with anyone else, too.  though closing is a bit creepy.  ugh, i don't know what it is, but no matter what, i'm always tired.  i wish i knew why.  ...i think i want to go for a walk...

dear united states military -

thank you for the information you sent me.  i'm sure that it is very interesting, but i do not speak spanish.  i must admit that under no circumstances would i ever join any branch of the armed forces.  it goes against my beliefs.  that, and i am a chicken.  however, thank you very much for the shirt you sent me, even though it is long enough to double as a dress.

sincerely,
phoenix

i just wrote a rather bizarre poem.  no idea how, or why, that idea got implanted in my brain.  anyway.  my smoke alarm went off twice tonight, giving me headache, and forcing me to jump around like a caffeinated chihuahua with a.d.d. so that i could try and take out the batteries.  i'm too short.  travis has dyed his hair a rather strange shade.  it's black, with a slight blue undertone.  on someone else it would look fantastic.  on him... it's just wrong.  he's not meant to have dark hair, methinks.  and, if someone could clarify this for me, what does "plastic gothic melodramatic" all entail?  because, apparantly, that sums me up.  i hope not.  congratulate me.  one gallon of blood, one cow heart, and i did not puke.  i wish i could get past some of the queasiness that i have, though.  i mean, i used to love dissecting things, so in theory this shouldn't bother me.  then again, a gallon of beef blood is just ... not normal.  and please, whoever reads this, keep journey in your thoughts/prayers.  she needs it.  i wish i knew how to help you, journey.

i am comfortable with all choices made.  i accept, truely, all the consquences that have come, and have yet to descend.  in some ways, i welcome some of the pain that i chose.  perhaps i'm a masochist.  perhaps not, but in the end it doesn't matter.  i shall go on striving for the one thing that i seek in life.  someday, soon i hope, i shall find it.  and to all those close to me, i hope you find your dream, whatever or whoever it may be.

i honestly, truly, do not care anymore.  have you ever gotten so depressed that everything is numb?  there is a dull ache, but that's all that is possible to feel?  i honestly have no motivation to stay alive.  i would rather just curl up in my bed and stay there for days.  some people are too stupid to be in the workforce.  and by some people, i mean me.  i got schedules mixed up and showed up at 1.  hour and a half later, i look at the schedule:  i wasn't supposed to come in until 6.  so i'm home for a few hours now.  and i don't want to go back to work.  i just want to stay here.  and sleep.  and i don't care if i die.  i'm not afraid of death.  hopefully i can make myself go to work in a few hours.  if not - meh.  one more thing phoenix failed at.  in the grand scheme of things, what's a gas station job?

i will never say "hold me" even if that's the only thing that i want.  i cannot bring myself to look at someone and say that.  and so i work ways around it, to get what i want.  i'm sure that's partly how my spasming whenever i'm tickled came about.  i can wiggle my way into their arms and get the comfort i need.  which is what happened tonight.  for 45 minutes i breathed in a comforting scent and let myself be held and talked to.  i have issues.  at age 19, most people are not out looking for the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.  i am.  all i desire is love.  and i think i react to relationships a lot differently than others do.  it's not that i'm desperate, it's just... i'm not sure how to explain it, really.  it's such a strong desire.  and a rejection of love sends me into a depression that makes me hunger for it even more.  i'm in college, i shouldn't be wanting a relationship so badly.  i'm still so young.  but that doesn't matter.  mom's life is christianity.  my life is love.  i wish i knew how to explain it, but i cannot.  it is a hunger that makes me break down and cry for fear of never finding it.  like i said, i have issues.  i'm sure i unease people, too, due to this.

If you think I'm controlling
Then why do you follow me around
If you're not co-dependent
Then why do you let others drag you down

I don't know why you're messed up
I don't know why your whole life is a chore
Just do me a favor
And check your baggage at the door

i can't do this!  all i want is someone to hold me, to reassure me.  i'm so alone.  so lonely.  just bawling.  i just want to sit with someone and talk about my day.  i just want to be able to touch someone.  to know someone is there.  the tears don't stop, they only fade away for a few minutes, and then they come back.  i want to know how locke is doing.  is he all right.  i'm sure he's not how i am.  oh god, big spider big spider big spider.  i'm terrified of spiders.  i need to clean, do dishes.  but i can't when i'm crying.  i'm going insane i hate this help me i just need human contact help me all i want is to be held please help me

as much as i like to pretend i'm a realist, i'm more of a romantic and a dreamer at heart.  there was a discussion going on about how if you were on a deserted island, what would you bring.  that got me thinking.  i'd love to be on a tropical island, with my love (and a boat, of course).  i'm so lonely right now.  why is it when you're the lonliest, there's so few people to talk to?  i talked to andy for a second, can't get ahold of val at all.  no one to talk to online.  i spoke with jim for a few minutes.  so right now i'm just eating chocolate and letting tears slowly run down my cheeks.  i didn't take my medication again today, either.  i just don't care enough.  the only thing on my mind is loneliness.  distraction doesn't work for very long, either.  and i'm scared of tomorrow.

i heard a few ani difranco songs today, and those are stuck in my mind right now.  i'm tired, numb, depressed, and unmotivated.  lovely combination, eh?  and i'm dreading monday.  turns out, my second job?  it got pushed back a month.  ugh!  i'm also lonely right now, but not a whole lot i can do about that, i guess.  i wrote a little bit of poetry.  that art seems to waver back forth quite a bit.  i don't know what i want anymore.  a million conflicting desires.  the one thing i know is that i seek to love, and to be loved.  that is all i want.  my emotions are all out of whack right now, though.  i forgot to take my medication, and quite simply, i don't care.  it's not working anyway.  though i am a bit leery on what happens if you stop cold-turkey on zoloft.  don't mind me.  i'm just babbling on, with just emotion behind this piece, with no thinking in it whatsoever, really.  and, uh... ronald reagan died.

and numbness sets in.  i'm single once again.  it was a mutual break-up, as it was in the best of both our interests.  well, i know a few people that will be happy now.  val, by the way, if you're reading this?  your hotmail account is full, so i can't send.  and you gave me the wrong phone number.  slow, hurt songs are on my playlist right now.  i guess it's for the best.  and... at least... it was mutual, and we don't hate each other.

i feel like i have to blog.  it's so hard for me not to.  these past few days have been, to use a cliche, an emotional rollercoaster.  i have gone through almost every single concievable emotion.  these past few days i have been utterly nauseous, probably due to stress.  i registered for classes at the college - computer science 1, social professional ethical issues (computer science), human nature, and socialogy of marriage and family.  nice, relaxing schedule that will be quite interesting.  i guess my dorm is a double-single, which makes me happy.  no roommate for me!  i'd probably go crazy living with someone in a tiny room anyway.  right now i'm incredibly stressed, so my stomach hurts and i have a throbbing headache.  hopefully they go away soon.  i don't know how the mess with my family will go, but i can only hope for the best.  i love dad, but i don't want to be forced into someone that i am not.  ...i want doughnuts.

i'm scared to blog now, as the last entry got me in a ton of trouble - can we say "disowned"?  i'm exceedingly emotional right now, and just barely beginning to finally process all this.  i don't know what to say or do.  i have options, none of which sound good.  last night still seems so surreal.  never thought i'd hear "i don't have a daughter."

locke stayed the night, which is always nice.  first off, though, i met some of his relatives.  they appeared to be quite friendly and open, something i'm not really used to.  he was hungry, so we made a midnight run to taco bell, or something.  something like that.  i start one of my jobs tomorrow, and that makes me a bit nervous.  although, granted, it's a gas station job, and so obviously i should be able to handle it.  new jobs just unnerve me a tich, however.  it's a good thing that locke didn't draw all over my body, as sometimes pen takes more than one shower to come out.  thanks to him, i have an anarchy sign and a property of locke scrawled on my ass, and random body parts are labeled with their name.  oh, and a pentacle, and a random drawing, and on my thigh it reads sex me ^ (erm, that's supposed to be an arrow, btw).  currently addicted to "working class hero" by john lennon.  yeah, i'm babbling.  turns out locke seems to think that i resemble a gerbil, and that i have tourettes.  i am a gerbil with tourettes.  hrm.

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