i spent last night curling up with bella and watching inane music videos on vh1.

and my computer's being a bitch.

anyway.  turns out both my parents now work at hunt.  i'm not sure what to think of that.

yesterday katrina and i went to see the village.  it was nothing how we expected it to be.  turns out it's more of a chick flick with testosterone injected.  it was rather good, and i won't give out the plot, so that it won't spoil it for anyone.  it's a movie i'd see again, though.  afterwards, she and i went out for a cruise.  it was raining a little out of crosslake, and we both wanted to go out in the rain.  well, as soon as we found a spot to get out - the rain stopped.  so, we decided to spell something out in rocks on the beach.  our profound message?  "LO..."  as we walked around making idiots of ourselves, we noticed that the boat on the shore wasn't empty like we thought.  nope, there was two men inside, and both were staring at us.  we walked hastily further down the beach, where we threw rocks at a snail shell, attempting to hit it.  it's pretty damn hard, since the shell is in the water.  and then we threw rocks in the water, trying to see who could throw it further.  ...wow, we sound like hicks.  once we were back in the car, i managed to get us lost, just like i do on every cruise.  it's a sad talent of mine.

i've been trying to sleep, as i'm supposed to be up around noon.  of course, i can't fall asleep.  oh, apparantly my 17 year old cousin's pregnancy is being viewed as a blessing, since she stopped smoking and drinking now.  god is allowing this because it will change her life for the better.  sigh.  and, of course, it has to be a cousin on the psychotic side of the family.  at least it's going up for adoption.

sweet, max is releasing another cd...

i'm trying to get as many sacred texts as i can.  my on-going project (started many months ago, probably will never finish...) is comparing religions to find all the similarities.  there are a number of them, which makes me wonder if there was one religion way, way, way back.  unfortunately, only three of my texts are in printed format, due to lack of funds and time (searching for them).  that reminds me.  does anyone have an extra bible laying around?  i only have a catholic one, and i'm interested in obtaining a protestant version.  currently, i have

• holy bible (catholic)
• qur'an
• book of mormon
• the gathas
• tao te ching
• kuj-iki
• the poetic edda (thorpe translation)
• the vedas

hrm.  i'm confused.  the soundcard apparantly works, as do the speakers... yet everything is so muted.  i went through mandrake and adjusted volumes...  anyone know what's wrong?  help me, i'm retarded.

josh schneider leaves for baghdad in a few months.  he'll be patrolling the streets - he's a gunner, or something.

anyone want to go see the village with me when it comes out?  i really want to see that movie.  and i got free movie tickets.  whoo.

i'm listening to zach -from exc- debate gene cook on "the narrow mind".  the show is well named, unfortunatly.  dave has an mp3 of it, if you want to download and listen to an apostate debate (informally, sorta) a fundie.

i never really realized that muslims believe in satan.  that's rather interesting.

i'm going to see if i can get sound working on my mandrake box.  hopefully i don't need to buy a new soundcard...

i really, really, really need to change my sleep schedule.  guess how bad it's gotten.  i go to bed around nine in the morning, and wake up at five in the evening.  how fucked up is that?

pay attention when shaving, okay?  otherwise you're in for some rather unexpected surprises... like me.

so, after emailing senator dayton, i got a copy of his floor statement on the marriage amendment.  he voted against it; yay.  i've pulled out a few quotes from it for your reading pleasure:

• I bring the Bible into this debate, because I often hear people, who denounce homosexuality, claiming that "the Bible" or "the New Testament" supports their views.
• However, in the entire New Testament, there is only one reference to same-sex relationships, in Chapter Two of Paul's Letter to the Romans. Jesus Christ does not mention them even once in any of the four Gospels.
• I do not understand how some religions developed their strong prejudices against gays and lesbians – prejudices which are not only unsupported by Jesus' teachings in the Bible, but which even violate his instructions to love one another, as I have loved you. To judge not, lest ye be judged. To spread love, not hatred.
• Some other Americans have spread this hatred and caused that harm, while professing their own religious piety and moral superiority.
• And which, contrary to the "marriage is under terrorist attack" hysteria, which some politicians are prompting, do not threaten either the federal law or other states' laws against same-sex marriages.
• So why are we being subjected to this charade of politicians' piety?
  An oxymoron, if there ever was one!
  It's an election year! A Presidential election year!
• That's what is really going on here. This political ploy isn't about "saving marriage." It's about "saving politicians' jobs."
  Thank goodness we have Senator So-and-So to save us from the heathen hordes.
  Thank goodness we have the President saving us, too.
  We may not have jobs. Or health care. We can't afford prescription drugs or gasoline.
  They're bankrupting the federal government with deficits.
  They're destroying our credibility throughout the world.
  They've made a mess of Iraq. They can't find weapons of mass destruction; or Osama bin Laden; or whoever shut down Congress with anthrax or ricin.
  But they're defending marriage. Again. And again and again and again.
  Let re-elect them!

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every
girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or
beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your
sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other
beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other
beginning's end

Ecstacy is all you need
Living in the big machine now
Oh, you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothin's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care

Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here, but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting

Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God, it's good to be alive

[Chorus]
And I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and ill begin
And I'll - I'll be waitin'
Livin' like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel

Now this angry little girl
Drownin in this petty world
And I'm who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

[Chorus]

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you

And I can't believe it's coming true
God, it's good to be alive
I'm still here and waitin' for you
And I can't believe it's coming true
I'm blind and waiting for you

i was absolutely fine today, until i got home, where upon i instantly burst into tears as soon as i walked in the door.  i thought i was going to die from the loneliness that i felt in that moment.

today's highlights include spilling hot coffee all over me and screeching just as a customer walked in, and locking myself out of the gas station.

i found my fishets.  i thought for sure i'd lost them, so i'm happy.  ...guess where i found one of them?  i was using it as a bookmark...

now, not too many fetishes faze me (well, maybe nasal sex) but i am disturbed by this one:  ab/dl.

in less than a month i'll be in bemidji.  that's crazy.

don't you just love quotable people?  from another christian forum, from hardcore christians themselves...

• Once you understand Christ, Logic goes out the window
• In the past few days after reading and studying, I see that much of science is a blatant attack on those of us who accept the truth. It's Satan's way of confusing us.
• the Holy Spirit translates your feelings into groanings not understood by man
• The idea that all other religions are valid comes from Satan himself, attempting to get us to focus on ourselves

i know i said i was going to boycott i, robot.  well, dad wanted to go see it, and obviously mom wasn't going to go with him.  even though it is nothing like the book (barring the character susan calvin - they did a good job of her) it was still good.  i liked the action scenes.  i think they also did a good job of portraying the three laws of robotics.

my mood has actually improved since the medication (thank god it's working).  except - today i was thinking about all the shit that i made locke suffer through for months, and i felt so bad about that i almost bawled.  i wish there was a way to make up for it.

i still haven't eaten yet today.

i really do think that this medication is helping me.  i haven't cut since i got out of the hospital.  the only thing is... my moods are a bit fucked up.  for example, i can think or see something vaguely sad, and i'll start to cry.  watch a minute or two of aqua teen hunger force or whatever, i'm perfectly fine.  luckily the crying only lasts for a minute or so before i can switch my moods, as crying randomly is kind of embarrasing.

i never thought i'd say this, but food has lost all of its appeal.  i am no longer hungry.  all i've eaten is a bowl of oatmeal, and i felt really full just after that.

i got about an hour of sleep last night before i had to go to work.  five hours into work, i had to leave because i was throwing up.  i'm still trying to figure out why i was.

my uncle's new girlfriend is from medellin, columbia.  medellin is one of two of the major drug cities in that country.  anyway.  we all got to meet her - she seems nice, and she's quite pretty.  afterwards, mom was commenting on her looks, and how "european women are beautiful."  okay, quick geography quiz here:  is south america 1) its own continent, or 2) part of europe?  dad and i had to correct her on that one.

itchy!  damn mosquito bites...

and... um, here's some quotes i came across on a forum today, real and unedited.

• why all ths talk about christains killing!!? WERE the ones being persecutied! u can't tell anyone theyre going to hell anymore without being treated like a fanatic!! and children can't be made to pray in public schools! this world is screwed up!
• I got confused too when i watched a documentry about those "dinosaurs" everyone talks about. Satanists bless those science shows and books behind the scenes because they know it will confuse true believers. It's a spiritual war!
• Your a scientist, so u should know dinosuars were created by god! they were even on the ark!
• I think u think too much. history is false unless it is a true believer writing it!! don't let the atheists trick you into thinking too much! all the education needed is the bible!
• Yeah! And what about elephants! And bees! u evolutist atheists can't explain those!!
• u don't understand because ur not Christian! until u can blindly believe and not question u will never understand!
• Well every one on earth believes ,there is a GOD
• the abortionists, whose entire platform is founded on Satanic lies

it's so nice to hear someone say they love you, even if they are hundreds of miles away.

no one has fessed up to sending me the condom yet.  it just sits here, right by the keyboard, mocking me.  c'mon, people, who sent it?

ugh.  i have to open in the morning, and i'm debating whether or not i should try to get a few hours of sleep, or just stay up and sleep after work.  i've done it before - it's not too bad.

have you ever read something so stupid that you have to think that the person is either 1) high, 2) below average intelligence, or 3) making it up?  thanks to neil, i've found one of these people.  her name is natalie and she is such an uber-christian, she almost puts certain people to shame...  this entry truly amazed me.  also in the same vein, kent hovind (famous creationist) has claimed that evolution is a religion, and the god is time.  time!

oh god, cramps from hell are back.  i forgot how bad i get them - when i was on the pill i was fine.  i should really just start taking the pill again, whether or not i'm dating someone.  it's worth it just to kill the pain of cramps.

being the narcissist that i am, i decided to put up a page of my poetry because, apparantly, having it at da too just isn't enough.  for those of you that follow my poetry through deviantart, no need to check it out (though you're more than welcome).  as for the rest of you - go read.  yeah, the older stuff is more angsty, but the newer stuff has a couple poems about whores and murderous nuns!  (and of course the usual poem stuff.)  i myself found it rather interesting to see how my poetry has changed in a few short months.  if i recall, the earliest poem i posted was from january.

i am a giant walking mosquito bite.

listening to the barenaked ladies right now - i haven't for a few months.  i still it find it odd that dad got me interested in the band.  he wants to go to one of their concerts sometime.  i'm singing along to "call and answer", which made me think of something:  even after taking voice lessons, i'm still scared to sing in front of anyone but val.

bin laden suicide virus

i'm doing pretty good right now.  all of you that email me - thank you.  it certainly brightens my day.  and josh, thank you for reminding me that i do have friends when i stupidly forget.  how can i forget those people that have put up with me for years, eh?  ...how long have we been friends?  since eighth grade?  yeah... `cause i met you in mr. blanck's class.  you sat in front of me...  damn.  that was six years ago.  that's crazy.

iraq seizes egyptian diplomat

i'm in a vaguely irrelevant mood right now.

tomorrow i'm doing laundry.  and by doing laundry, i mean stuffing almost all of my clothes into garbage bags and hauling them off to my parent's house.  i lack the cash to do it here:  cash-wise (excluding what i have in checking) i have $1.87.

my neighbor is snoring again.

golden calf (burn in hell)

scarlet and silver angels sing
of wisdom and life so serene
they are the lucky ones
that escape from being

scraped from under the sacred calf
golden hooves and ruby horns
fall down on your knees
remember that it is impossible

to ever keep a god adored
enough to satisfy his wrath
satan's wings and holy ghost
try to keep hold this luxury

of never knowing what this is
but knowing that he's doomed to fail
the one that drags your sacred calf
to be fattened up and bled

before the mighty throngs
of the heretical unwashed masses
charred limbs and burning souls
will greet those that dare to speak

in awe of fibonacci,
eutyches, and their like
sing glory to god and amen
when they're good and dead

i'm rather proud of this poem...

it's looking like i'm going to head off to bsu on the 22^nd.

do you think of me?  or am i already a memory?  i didn't mean for things to end this way.  there's so many things i want to share with you.  things i know you'd enjoy.  and i can't.  and that alone accounts for over 90% of my tears...

i don't have anyone.  no one i can talk to.  no one i can just hang out with for a few hours.  and it's all my fault.

my life is packed up in boxes.  i don't care enough.

dodge's vagina emblem
butt implants explode
hawkings new theory on black holes
sco lawsuit mainly dismissed
riaa trounces imesh
breast implants for soldiers
14 year old given fetus in a jar

i'm rather lonely...

for some reason, travis stopped into work tonight.  every time he sees me, he always finds someway to critique my appearance.  ugh.  he asked me if i wanted to go to a linkin park/korn concert at the end of august.  for starters, i don't like those bands (though i suppose he never paid attention, so he didn't realize).  i told him i would be setting up my dorm that day.  he told me go to college a day or so earlier, so i could then attend the concert.  no.  he doesn't understand that i don't want to spend time with him anymore.  i can think of many more people i'd rather spend time with.

i'm bored, and lonely.  if i drank, this would be a good time to get drunk.

rob stopped in for a couple minutes while travis was there.  rob's an interesting guy - if i wasn't leaving in a month, i'd try to strike up a friendship rather than an aquantience (however you spell it.)

when i was mentally reviewing a dream i had the other night, i started to think of [happy] memories associated with the people in the dream.  and then i broke down for 15 minutes.  but hey, that's a lot better than before.

so much encouragement, and yet i still falter.

so, uh, i got an unmarked package in the mail today.  no return address.  guess what was in the package?  a condom.  i am really confused and a bit unnerved now.

i'm surprised troy hasn't fired me yet.  lately i've been doing really asinine things accidentally - forgot to lock the safe.  accidentally voided a credit card payment.  etc.

i almost miss living at home.  when i was there, i didn't have to worry about rent, or bills... or cooking.

rob gave me copies of two of the aqua teen hunger force scripts he's written.  he's going to see if they'll accept it.  reading them, to me, it seemed like reading an actual episode's script.  they were hilarious and true to character.  i just wish locke could read `em; i'm sure he would love them.

trent reznor doing the soundtrack for "fight club - the musical"?  yep.

the medication that i am currently on is supposed to take effect anywhere from 1-3 weeks.  i do believe i am starting to feel a bit more normal now - not sure how long it's been, but that's irrelevant, i guess.  i haven't cried for two or three days.  that's quite good for me.

i miss talking to val, and it's weird not talking to locke.  i miss them both.  i'm also lonely, as i don't really have anyone to hang out with.  so i've been spending a lot of my time in my apartment.

girlfriend hit with alligator.

bored and curious, i decided to check out some christian forums to, basically, see how the other side thinks.  even though i debate with them everyday on exc, i was still amazed.  they wanted to outlaw premarital sex.  they wanted to outlaw other religions.  of course, deep down, non-christians believe in god, but we decide to rebel against him anyway.  atheists are illogical and believe in fairy tales.  context, context, context.  catholics believe that god and mary had sex.  evolution is a pagan religion.  atheism is a religion.  christians are not biased, they are only correctly informed.  pagan religions copied christianity.  you can not understand the bible until you are christian.  sex is best if you're a christian.  american needs to become a theocracy.

i know there are sane christians out there, but it seems one is hard-pressed to find them online.

i talked to lokmer online for a while, as well as talking to him on the phone.  i think me being able to finally vent to someone really helped.

i am insanely bored.

i have two bottles of pills, with roughly 90 pills between them.  the only thing that keeps them out of my stomach is the fear that if i don't succeed, i'll wind up back in the grace unit.  or worse.

i cry every day.  not that it matters.

i've never felt so alone.  i'm too much of an emotional burden; a person would have to be crazy to deal with me.

i wish i was normal.  maybe then i could keep someone in my life.

i missed the orientation at bsu, because i'm too stupid to find the room.  i'm too dumb for college.

it's just been a horrible day...

i've lost my appetite.  i'm rather glad, actually.

if you tell me you don't like cutters, and i cheerily respond, "i'm a cutter.  i had to go to the hospital!"  that is a not-so-subtle indicator that i don't want to talk to you, i'm not interested, so please go away.  a kid that i know chatted with me for a fair amount of time that i was working.  i caught him staring at my chest whenever he thought i wasn't looking.  at one point, i said something about being glad i'm not a guy.  he said something while pointing at my chest, and then said in an approving tone, "be glad you're not with a body like that."  the most hilarious incident, though, was when i made a comment about computers.  he replied, "then you'd be a nerd" and quickly muttered under his breath, "even though you're fricken hot."

goodbye.

the amendment that would ban gay marriages failed!  the vote was 50-48.  reuters article.  that made my day.

believe it or not, i've been somewhat productive today.  i washed the dishes, i (sort of) cleaned the apartment, and i went to my interview.  i'm terrified if i get the job.  i don't know enough about mysql.  among other things.  i really want the job, because it would be really good money, but on the other hand... argh.

i've been trying to get everything working, but if you come across an error, please let me know.  if there are any, they are more likely to be found in the archives.  but few people access that, so i'm not too worried.

i do wish that locke and i could just be friends.

dad got my car working, but i still need to get another battery sometime soon.  i just hope my car works tomorrow, because i have an interview.

ugh.  i am so sick of people saying that if homosexual marriages become law, why shouldn't incestual relationships, or with animals, and so on.  oh, and the ever-so-logical "they can't reproduce, so they can't marry."  way to go back to the early days of the church.  besides, the world's population is large enough.  ah, yes, homosexuals can't really love.  they can only lust.  god, people like that should be weeded out of the gene pool.  that reminds me.  the amendment apparantly failed miserably, and is not even going in for a test vote.  yay.

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on
_{"the lover after me" - savage garden}

i just want to stop the pain.

and i'm angry at the world.  no, scratch that.  i'm angry at the world, save for a couple people i cherish.  i need to create, if only to destroy.  mom "forgave" me.  and locke.  i'm past the point of caring.  i'm sleeping alot again.  i don't know if that is the depression, or a side effect of my medication.  it's pouring out.  i'm tempted to go running through town in the rain.  just another way to feel alive.  children are screaming again, the couple upstairs are fighting.  doors slamming.  urge to feel, to scream, rising.

thursday i go up to bemidji for orientation.  i can't wait, if only because then i can get out of this town that reeks of bitter memr'ies.  i actually ended up not sleeping at all last night, so i was pretty out of it while i was working.  today was insanely busy, and i was kept quite busy until it was time to leave.  unfortunately, i had a couple of drive-offs that amounted to more than seventy bucks.  ouch.  i'm back on my meds again, too.  welburtrin... well, the generic form of it, anyway.  so my car broke down today.  my saturn works great, nary a problem... except the battery has a tendency to die frequently.  what am i doing wrong?  so, i'm going to have to hitch a ride from someone sometime soon and go get another battery.  i did get some exercise today, though, thanks to that.  i had been planning to go grocery shopping, but obviously that was out.  so, i walked up to s.a. to get chocolate, because we all know phoenix is more sane when she has chocolate in her system.

so, uh, i have to be at work at 5:45 am, and i can't sleep.  work is going to be... interesting, in my sleep-deprived state, i bet.  and the thing is, if i could just stop thinking, i'm sure i'd be able to fall asleep.  i had a huge blog entry written up in my mind, but i decided not to post it.  i depress people enough as it is.  if you love someone, set them free... yes, yes.  intellectually i understand, emotionally - it's hard as hell.  i'm trying so hard, but still...

whenever i get depressed, i eat.  that needs to stop, though, because when i went home to pick up my new medication, mom's first words to me were:  "have your clothes shrunk?"  talk about an ego-booster.

i applied to hunt.  if i get the job, i'll be a "lte data analyst".  hrm.  i applied mainly because the one job doesn't pay enough to survive, and the second job - well, who knows what's going on with that.  wish me luck.

is the background working for everyone?  i'm on dial-up, and it's taking a bit for it to load.  i want to make sure everyone can view it, though, because without it, well, the layout is uber-boring.  let me know either way by firing off an email or message via the forum.

ta da.  the layout that took only one day to do.  i really like this one; simple, yet... well, simple.  but i still like it.  there are no frames in this layout, which is quite surprising for me.  it's been years, i think, since i had a layout that didn't include frames or iframes.  i experimented with a bit of css, and a script i grabbed [for the dropbox].  oh, and this should be compatible in all browsers.  except maybe lynx.

i am currently looking for a phoenix earcuff or earwrap.  if you can find one, i'll love you forever.  i've found dragons, bats, spiders, goddesses, cats... everything but a phoenix.

i have a forum now.

i talked to val for an hour or two on the phone today, which was wonderful.  i really needed that, i think.  i miss her so much.  at least she and josh are doing good, even if chris does have a tendency to piss her off.  we talked about everything that's been going on in our lives, and - it's a lot.  bah.  i have more to say, but i'm sleepy from coding for a few hours straight.

my mood.  not that it matters.

i want to do something.  anything.  i'm so bored.  oh, and i broke down in the car today... had to pull off to the side of the road.  hrm.  the domain may be up, may be down, randomly for a bit.  i'm having trouble with the host(s).

new layout in the works.  don't have much to say.  broke down crying at home.  cried at work for a bit, ran in the back room to compose myself.  that's all.  the psychiatrist was wrong...

i'm hyper and don't know what to do with myself.  and it's been a weird day. apparantly journey is back to stalking me again; she saw me at the store with josh, and parked right next to my car.  of course, she never says anything...  and i guess like look like a "mobster" in my bandana.  ah well.  oh, and blayne almost ran down journey, too., in his thunderbird.

josh and i hung out at his house, eating pizza and watching bruce almighty.  it was actually a good movie.  we then played "ten", where he proceeded to own me.  good thing we weren't playing for money.  though i don't know how you'd bet on that...  actually, scratch that.  i played "go fish" for money with tyler, so...  if you can bet on that, you can bet on anything, i guess.

it's been rainy all day.  yay.  i love the rain...

apparantly it's not only the residents of the psych ward that are slightly off.  my psychiatrist there told me to date 60 guys before i get married.  uh...  i don't think i could emotionally handle that.  then she also read a passage out of the rules to me.  i still don't know why, according to the book, i can't talk to a guy first, or if asked out, it must be at least three days in advance.

kerry has picked a running mate:  edwards.  kerry will probably get my vote.  i could be idealistic and vote for nader, or be sensible and vote for kerry.  check this out.

josh and i are getting together in a bit.  i haven't really talked to him for months.  should be fun.

i refuse to see i, robot.  i loved the book, but hollywood has bastardized it.  bah.

i don't even know how to where to begin.  late thursday night, i drove over to locke's, as i was cutting and feeling suicidal, and thought that i should admit myself to the grace unit.  so we called, and found out that they didn't want to admit me.  basically, i'd have to attempt suicide again before they would let me in.  so we call back and try again, after getting an opinion at another hospital via phone.  the nurse said she'd call back.  well, she accidentally dialed the wrong number and got my parents.  they called locke's, and i lost it.  i was sobbing and hyperventilating.  i was supposed to be brought to the e.r. by my parents.  i didn't want to.  locke's dad basically took over.  he argued with the hospital worker on the phone for a few minutes, then locke and i took off to the e.r., where an intern or something gawked at me as we filled out papers.  by the time we got to an examination room, my parents were out there, which unnerved the both of us.  eventually i got checked in, and he got to leave.  i was woken up at seven in the morning so they could take my blood pressure and take a blood sample.  i was extremely tired, and laid around for most of the day in my bed.  i think that was the day that locke had to come in for a meeting.  and it was the opinion of both a psychiatrist and locke that i stay there longer.  after the meeting, he and i talked for a couple minutes in my room.  that didn't bode too well:  i was trying not to bawl.  the entire night the only thing i wanted to do was cry, because i felt like everything was wrong.  i didn't want to be stuck here...  and who was that little old lady, and why was she wandering around my room?  next day, psychiatrist told me that if i get up and mingle, i could probably be out of here tomorrow or so.  time to mingle.  i got introduced to carla, a tattooed mother of three.  we hit it off, and spent a fair amount of time watching air force one, which is hilarious if you pick it apart.  which of course we did.  muriel, the depressed klepto with alzheimers, wandered in and out, mumbling the entire time.  heather kept talking, repeating herself and just generally being annoying.  she also attempted to buy a pint of vodka with monopoly money.  dinner was spent barely eating, and instead watching muriel.  not only would she steal my coffee, she would take random things off of carla's plate, shuffle them around, then walk off.  then there was nate.  if blayne shaved and cut his hair slightly, they could be twins.  nate was schizophrenic and highly tense.  he didn't talk, though.  he would just mumble about speaking with the devil.  afterwards, carla and i went to watch some movie where lots of people died.  i wondered aloud if it was good or normal for us to be laughing at this.  she shrugged, and replied that it was the most normal thing we've seen all day.  i doodled one the white board, and it got way too much attention.  all the nurses commented on it, and so did heather.  constantly.  she would also tell people in the hallway to move when i came by, because i was "the artist!"  eventually, we were forced back to our rooms, where i read toxic parents.  next morning, the nurses chided me again for not eating.  i barely ate the entire time i was there.  i guess my blood pressure was really low one morning and the nurses got nervous, practically forcing fruit juice down my throat.  and my shoes were missing, courtesy of the resident klepto.  carla and i went back to one of the rooms, where heather was sitting, much to our dismay.  carla informed me that heather has been there for a few months now.  eventually she left when we didn't talk to her.  and then in dodders lavern.  he walked around with the oxygen tubes stuck in his nose, and at the other end - a nurse led him around.  a nose leash.  he sat down, looked me up and down, then commented, "someone outta saw you in half."  after i inched away, he proceeded to pound on the walls for a bit.  he was stronger than he looked, too.  it took six nurses to hold him down when he got a shot that he didn't want.  more comments on my doodles - "you should go to art school!  do cartooning!"  mid-morning, carla got to go home, and i met the new patient... who had been here four times before.  he looked like locke.  not a clone, like blayne/nate, but pretty damn close, only shorter...  we got along quite well, and so somehow we got yelled at for holding hands.  which we didn't do.  he taught me a couple of card games, which we played during dinner.  after, a nurse wanted to talk to me.  "has he done anything inappropriate?" she asked.  i shook my head, confused.  "has he touched you?"  she got another negative reply, and a question about it.  her enigmatic response?  "tyler likes girls.  alot.  and he's impulsive."  two more times nurses would corner me and warn me about him.  after entertaining the thought that maybe he's a rapist, i decided that if he was - he would be in jail, not here.  so i just brushed off the nurses' comments.  next morning - got woken up at 6 a.m.  i staggered out of my room, only to run into tyler.  we were the only residents up, so we went to go watch t.v. and wait for breakfast, which i wouldn't eat.  tyler talked a lot about relationships, and love, and how girls should be treated like princesses, and how ever since he was young, the only thing he's wanted was to get married.  i just eyed him warily.  shortly before i got to go home today, muriel was in the halls without her pants, and refusing to go into her room.  ruth was still telling everyone she came across how she was dragged out of her home and brought here against her will.  and then a girl i knew from high school showed up as a new patient minutes before i finally was free.

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