i have been so tired these past few days. and travis woke me up this morning, wanting to just chat. and see my thong. and he asked if locke and i were engaged yet. anyway. i'm so tired i barely have the energy to blog. locke came into work tonight. he was such a sweetheart that he actually went to the dairy queen for val and i. i ate about half of my small blizzard and then thought i was going to puke. locke and val seem to be getting along right now, which makes me quite happy. minutes after he left, an old pervert wandered in. he pissed me off, and began to hit on me. i ended up getting him to believe that i had a gun, and he wandered off. after work, val and i went to the lan, where we stayed for a little bit. i talked to josh for a few minutes, then went to go talk to locke. after, val and i went to wal-mart, where she bought food and i bought thongs. highly exciting. coming home, val was talking about a girl we both knew:
<val> you know stigmata? she's like that, only it's dogmata!
<phoenix> i don't get it.
<val> stigmata, only she's like a dog, so it's dogmata!
<phoenix> are we even thinking of the same word?
<val> i don't know. what's stigmata mean?
<phoenix> stigmata is having the wounds of christ. you know, like the blood in the hands...
awkward pause
<val> oh. oops...
it's been an emotional rollercoaster today. but first off, because i'm still in a good mood, i'll mention what went on at locke's. i got to locke's an hour later than i thought i would, due to a fight with mom. he was very understanding and sweet and listened to me bitch and moan and whine. we just laid there for a while and talked about everything, which i really needed. i was thirsty, and so locke handed me a glass of water. trying to get water to come out my nose, he decided to make me laugh. it back-fired on him. water flew out of my nose and mouth and landed on... well, the nether regions of the male anatomy. i thought he had learned his lesson, but obviously not. i can't help that when i laugh when i'm drinking, it... sprays. he gets way too much enjoyment out of that, though. he kept doing it. he was safe for a bit, except for the end, when his face got too close to mine. we just kind of messed around after that, just having fun. it was so nice. it definatly took my mind off of mom.
about the fight. mom told me that just hearing locke's name made her physically ill. she also told me that i am the one responsible for tearing apart our family, and that i am making her depressed. i am basically ruining everyone's life.
oh, i'm supposed to write this for locke, but i don't think i'll be able to finish it... it's a bit hard to think of things for the list:
pené pros
he always rises
to the occasion.
he's playful.
french accent count?
he knows a few tricks.
pené cons
he spits.
he's insistent.
he's constantly horny.
my mouth went dry as i watched val pick up the yellow razor and idly play with it. the urge was so driving tonight. i'm sorry i frustrate you. i gave you my word and i shall keep it, but the urge is tearing at me. i shouldn't even say anything. i shouldn't bring up any more of my problems. but i need to write and it is easier for me to type than it is to write with a pen. i will write, and maybe i will cry, and maybe i will feel better. maybe the medicine will eventually kick in, and not just the side effects.
i'm sorry i frustrate and hurt you...
i sit curled up, holding myself. tears glide down, silently, with muffled sobs. you call. you're frustrated with me.
i need to change.
i'm sorry.
"never mind. i'll let you go."
"`kay... bye..."
"yeah."
bill's son just pisses me off. he's 27, and will date no one older than 18 [19 at the absolute maximum]. the kind of girl he wants to date must be 5'7", long blond hair, and weigh no more than 105 pounds. he would settle for a 5'4" girl with long blond hair that weighs 100 or less, however. oh, and they must be at least a dd in bra size. at least that rules me out, though.
i've lost weight. how much, i don't know, but my pants are looser now than they were previously. not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. probably both. today i went for 25 hours without eating. i haven't gone that long since the summer.
i just realized how comfortable val and i are with each other. we were comparing leg and abdomen hair. [no, neither of us have hairy abdomens - val just thought she was weird for having any hair there.] erm... yeah...
the rest of the day wasn't too highly exciting. i woke up late and took an uber-quick shower, then headed over to locke's. from waking up to leaving my house, it only took me 20 minutes. that's damn fast for me in the mornings [since i usually take a 20 minute shower...]. after class, we went back to locke's for a bit. i still wasn't hungry, then, either. i watched him eat a few tacos, then we headed off downstairs, where we dicussed yoga for a bit. we watched an episode of x and south park and talked.
i've been odd lately in my behavior. i've been more of a loner, wanting to spend less and less time with people. i come home earlier, do homework, and lock myself in my room. not good.
with locke's patient help, i'm slowly getting linux tweaked to how i want it. the linux box now has a strange name, though: pasht. it refers to an egyptian goddess - bast. there are two theories on the name. one is that it is just another name for her, while the other theory states that pasht is the dark side of bast.
so kyle got accepted to bsu! i'm excited. i told him that if he lives in the dorms, i'll find him a girl to shower with. "and maybe it'll be the same person that will fit in m' pants." he added. long story, i explained that before, i'm not going to go into it. but it was funny. now to make sure he goes to bsu...
travis never went to st. cloud to go shopping, i guess. hrm.
before work today, i had to
go and see father george. it took half an hour, and he didn't even pray over me, which was nice, yet surprising.
all he did was talk to me, which was sort of awkward. he says if i want, next time he will pray over me.
there won't be a next time. i went to see father, i kept my promise. no more.
he's a nice man, don't get me wrong, it's just that i don't want to be prayed over, or talk to him. he asked
me how my prayer life was, and i told him nonexistant. he nodded, then mentioned that he's praying for me.
as i sat there listening to him, the song "judith" by a perfect circle popped into my head. specifically,
the first two lines:
you're such an inspiration for the ways
that i'll never ever choose to be
i think that if i keep my eating habits up how they are now, i won't have my period on valentine's day, which would be quite nice. the less i eat, the less chance i have of getting my period.
"just put something down your throat," mom begged me. i deep-throated a banana and walked off. now that i don't eat, she's worried about me, and wanting me to eat. i can't help that i'm just not hungry anymore. first she wanted me to lose weight, now she's scared of me losing too much weight. i don't understand her. argh,this computer is really starting to annoy me. i have a virus scan up and running, but i don't know if it's working. and my scanner won't work, for some random reason. wow, i feel so completely drained right now. i've felt like that all day, though, actually. last night was really rough. locke and i were arguing, and i was crying, and hyperventilating, and... yeah. at one point i grabbed the razor blade and held it against my wrist, as i held the phone to my ear. suffice to say, today was better than this weekend. ah, i guess josh doesn't have to go to iraq, so that's a plus for val. i lost locke's dog. how's that for happy? i didn't know that i had to hold onto daisy as i unchained her, and so off she ran. locke and i went looking for her, but couldn't find her. i still feel bad. coming home tonight was a bitch. i got stuck in locke's driveway and he tried to help me. first he tried pushing, but that didn't work. eventually he got in the car and drove back and forth, clearing a bit of a path. the snow is so deep. we got 16 inches since sunday. anyway, he got the car, i got in, and wham. i was stuck again. driving out, his mom was coming in, so locke, who was behind me, had to back up, then as did i, so that she could pass. i skidded coming out of his road. the fastest speed i got up to in the saturn was 40 mph, as i literally could not go faster than that. the tires would spin and whir, and i would skid. and now, as i type this, my car is sitting - stuck- in the driveway. i got partway into the driveway, and the snow is too deep. dad came out to help me, but he couldn't get it either. so he's going out in a bit to snowblow around the car so that we can move it to the garage.
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. i installed xp pro earlier today. highly exciting, right? mmhmm. i'm still transfering files to the linux box. my appetite has been shot to hell. i'm never hungry anymore. i went from 25mg of zoloft to 50mg. whoo. i'm blogging as american beauty plays in the background. this dvd sucks [the dvd, not the movie itself] as it's a bitch to try to get to play on the computer. anyway. have you ever hurt so bad, emotionally, that you can feel it all over your body? your fingers tingle with the pain that's in your mind. sometimes i wonder why people are scared to die. i'm not. there is no fear of death, nor what comes after that. i am comfortable in my not knowing. if any of the christian or muslim sects are true, i am probably fucked. however, i harbor a disbelief in the truth of those religions. whether there is something after death or not, i don't know. but i am not worried. and right now, the only thing keeping me from making a slice or two on my flesh is the fact that i made a promise to locke not to. the desire is there, but i will honor my promise to do no harm to myself. i hurt. i hurt more than i can begin to explain. i spent about half an hour with val helping her make a blanket, and that was it for my interaction with people. i cannot be with people. i cannot handle them today. i felt a part of me dying today. i cannot explain it any better. i want things to be fine. but i can't deal with it today. i got two or three hours of sleep. i tried to nap today but it didn't work. my mind wouldn't let me. bev [a woman at church i only barely know] said that i was beautiful. yeah, `cause i'm obviously so attractive when i have on glasses and have semi-spiky hair, wearing jeans and a hoodie. meh, thanks for the compliment, though. this entry is really meandering. sorry about that. that's the way my brain is working this evening. i'm not fine. i'm not anything. i never want to leave my room again. why do i have such a strong urge to keep typing when i have nothing to say? is it to prove to myself that i am still alive and functioning? no, probably not. a cry for help? fuck no. a plea for someone to listen? no, not really. maybe all it is, is just another form of therapy. i want to be alone. and yet... i want to wrap myself up in locke's arms and never leave.
damnit, i fucking hate microsoft. i had to install xp pro twice before it quit spontaneously rebooting. must get linux working...
He said that he would tell no secrets
He said that he would never lie
He said that he would spring eternal
He said that we would never die
gah. when i get emotional, i eat. that is so not healthy. then again, i've barely eaten today, so maybe this is good.
i had things i wanted to work on, but i have no desire to do them anymore. i think too much and i think too little. i came home and talked to val, who was a bit upset at what happened tonight. she and josh got in a huge fight. so, she's pregnant, her fiancee may be shipped off to iraq, and they just had a fight. glad i'm not her. damnit, i just broke my heater again. i hear noises. either mom is on the phone, or she's talking in her sleep again. not that i care, really, it's just that i prefer when the house is dead silent. argh, i just fucking spilt water all over my fridge. probably because i can barely move my damn hand. two hours, seventeen minutes of being on the phone with my boyfriend, and my hand is asleep and numb. imagine how hard it is to type this. i think i might pass out. holy shit am i ever shaking. i'm fucking moving my chair. i'm fine. really, i'm fine. the time passes slowly, but i'm dealing with it, quite fine, really, i'm listening to a cd that jme sent me. beautiful. depressing. church tomorrow, which means i must be awake at 9 a.m. ha fucking ha. looks like phoenix is going to be falling asleep in church. tasha is snoring. i may throw up. this blog is anything but coherant right now. perhaps if i wasn't so emotional and mentally fucked right now, it'd be better. but all's good! look, i'm a member of deviantart. i suck at writing poetry. only a few are up, by the way, more bad writing can be found at /words. i'm still not tired. i'm uber-thirsty, though. the feeling in my hand is coming back. pins and needles. i've had better nights. it was so well earlier, today, too. we watched a movie, then... yeah. fun. i think i have a cut or scar or something on my side. i noticed it during the massage. it kind of hurts. i prefer physical to emotional pain. no, i lie. vice versa. damnit, people, go back to bed and turn off your lights. why are my parents up? i want snow. i don't want to go to class on monday. my mind is screaming at me to type but i have nothing to say. i could tell all about locke's, but no one wants to hear it. fucking a, people, go to bed. i should shut up but i'm not tired. i want to watch the sun rise before i go to bed. sunsets are more beautiful, but hey, i'll take what i can get. damnit, i'm still shaking. i need to stop that. i'm still not tired and i have to be up in a few hours.
maybe i'll just go to bed.
I swear
I just found everything i need
The sweat in your eyes the blood in your veins are listening to me
Well i want to wrap it up and swim in it until i drown
My moral standing is lying down.
i should do homework and i should work on the linux box, but i have no motivation whatsoever right now. it can wait. this morning, shortly before i left to go meet up with locke, val came upstairs. she was quite upset, as josh had called her and told her that he would probably be shipped out to iraq. he doesn't seem to care, either. he just keeps telling her that if he was gone, they would "make the big bucks". yeah, i'm sure she's thrilled about that. val would prefer having josh to having a little more money. then ryan called her, saying that the till came up $140 short from last night [which the two of them worked].
anyway, once i left the house i went over to locke's, where we cuddled and he snored. but that's okay. hrm, i have to remember to buy violin strings before next friday. i went to violin class today, but while we were tuning it, one of the strings just popped. it was sort of frayed. jerry was quite nice about it, however, and so we spent 20 minutes attempting to 1) put the string back on, and 2) put the bridge back on. we succeeded on #2, but #1 eluded us - the string was just plain shot to hell.
work wasn't too eventful. jim came in and asked val and i if we wanted anything to eat from china buffet. neither of us were too hungry, but we asked for fried rice. and that's about the time i discovered i was missing a $130 check. it had been in my hand earlier, as i had ripped it out and filled out a check for jim, but i hadn't remembered what i did with that check. to top it off, work was insanely busy at the time, and for all we know, i accidentally gave it to a customer or stuck it in a till, or threw it away for someone else to find. i ended up calling the bank and they put a stophold [stop-hold? stop/hold?] on that check after asking me the amount, the number of the check, and some of my information. sometimes i marvel at how stupid i am.
after i finally left the mind-numbing drudgery that is work, i headed out to andy and josh's. kyle was there also. shortly after i arrived, we ended up watching the mask of zorro or something like that. meh, i've seen better. near the end of it i was taking over the entire couch, with a blanket pulled up around me, eyes struggling to stay open. it was nice talking to the guys - even if they do poke me to hear me squeak. andy shaved off his goatee, which took me by surprise. he also told me who smashed the windows of his car: his crazy ex-girlfriend.
"does she ever worry that you are anorexic or bulemic?" i waited a beat, then responded, "no. she says i'm fat." the look on my psychologist's face was priceless. she asked about the level of involvement that i wanted my parents to have in my counseling. i told her as little as possible. we discussed religion [she, too, is an ex-catholic], my mom, relationships. mainly we talked about my mom and how she controls. i guess mom even called the psycologist a bit back and wanted to talk to her about me. ruth, my psychologist, never returned the phone call. when i got home, mom grilled me about what we discussed and i refused to answer any of it. and the nice thing is, ruth can't say anything either. i don't care how frustrated mom gets, she doesn't need to know what i tell, what i share, what i feel. and never will i tell.
poor val, i shouldn't torture her like this when she's pregnant, but i can't help myself. maybe it's the sadist in me. i had gone to everything2 as i do every day, and on the site, i found this article, which is quite apt for right now. as val laid on my bed, i told her all about how a fetus drinks and breathes in it's own urine - of which there is four to six ounces surrounding the fetus [amniotic fluid is mainly fetal piss. wonderful.]. anyway. i went to locke's tonight around seven, where we just relaxed mostly.
val is listening to american idol right now. i feel like my ears are bleeding, but i invited her up to my room, so hey. besides, she misses josh, i can suffer through this. although, i must admit, some of this is funny right now, due to the fact of the pissed and/or melodramatic singer-wannabes, and the fighting judges.
after my dentist appointment this morning, i headed off over to locke's. slight problem. i ended up being stuck in traffic for 25 minutes. there was an accident, three trucks, all smashed to some degree or another. one appeared to have driven into the railing that stood between the road and the lake. there was one fatality. eventually, i got to his house, where i curled up next to him for a while. we just cuddled for a while, then headed off to class, where i just made it before foster started his lecture. the next two classes were uneventful, and i went to meet up with locke. turns out he thought i got out at 2:00, not 3:20. oops. at his house we curled up in front of the tv with some spagetti that his mom made, which was quite good. i didn't stay too long, as i had to get home, as it was mom's birthday and i wanted to get home to val, since josh left today. i locke's after he gave me some photos of him. i'm tempted to post one or two, so long as he doesn't kill me for doing so. ack, i forgot i had the psychologist appointment tomorrow. i don't want to go! argh...
i am in such a good mood today, it's crazy. i was supposed to go to fargo with val tomorrow, but i just found it it's supposed to be -60o tomorrow, so i think i may tell val i'm not gonna go. tomorrow i also have a dentist's appointment, which is highly exciting. then the day after that i have to go talk to a teacher about getting some software, and i also have a psychologist appointment that day. i have to get directions to it, as i haven't the faintest where it is. anyway. my parents went to some depression talk at the church tonight, and they have decided that i suffer from dysthymia. perhaps. perhaps not. i don't care what it is called that i deal with, just so long as it eventually goes away. but like i said, i'm in a good mood right now. i'm excited to see locke tomorow. why? nothing special planned. i'm just happy to see him. work went well - i worked with jim tonight, which was fun. we had almost no customers, so we sat and talked. we asked each other ideas for valentine's day, but neither of us got anywhere on that. kyle came in during work, which was nice. i haven't seen him for a bit. we sort of made plans for our trips to st. cloud and to bemidji. and... that's about it. quite the boring day, really. oh, i only got 45 minutes of sleep today. i finally fell asleep at 6 a.m., then woke up at 6:45. yay for sleep deprivation.
i am more comfortable with the idea of yoga and mediation, manipulation of natural energies, herbs, animal communication, treading lightly upon the earth, a oneness with nature. i am more comfortable with that than i am with conventional religion. for example, catholicism and it's prayers. my soul feels heavier when doing those prayers than it does when i am doing yoga. please tell me i'm not new age-y and flakey and crazy.
i must do something. i must create. i must change something. my mind screams for a revolution, a one-person revolution that exists in my mind. i must change. i must create. create something beautiful, or anything at all, really. but my mind does not tell me what it is it wants me to create and so i wait. i'm existing in a mental limbo, with an extreme urge to do something, but no idea on what to do or how.
bitch. hrm, i need to reach val before mom has a chance to talk to her. i have to make sure our stories coincide. mom is all pissy right now, though, because i want to quit my job. i feel that it's for the best, because it will be a reduction in stress, which will help me. mom doesn't quite see it that way. it boggles my mind, because she used to want me to quit. fuck that. if i want to quit, i will do so. i'm talking to dad tonight when he gets home. blah, i have homework i could be doing right now, but i'll do it in a little bit. i just did my web classes right now. i have a headache. i called father george, because he wanted to talk to me, and not mom, but he was out. so he'll call me back later. maybe he'll tell me i shouldn't go talk to him. i think i'm going to work on my mandrake box for a bit, but i'm such a fucking idiot i have trouble installing programs.
sleeping over at locke's was quite nice. we got back to his house around 10:30 / 11:00 pm. we watched part of devil's advocate, but didn't get too far into the movie. we just relaxed for a while, and then i started to get really sleepy. when i'm tired i ramble, and so i did. i told him tons of stories about me, from my earliest memory to stuff that happened a few months back. it was wonderful just cuddling up next to him and then falling asleep. i didn't even keep waking up, or have any nightmares, which is sort of unusual now. a welcome change of pace, i guess. we laid around the entire day. he got up a couple times then crawled back onto the mattress. i never even left the mattress, except when i was leaving. ah well. he took a bunch of photos of me, including some where i was almost fast asleep. blah, phoenix photos. still, it was wonderful just being with him.
i hate this. i'm in a really weird mood right now. i feel sort of melancholy, which is not unusual in the least, but... i don't know. i got to thinking about jobs and careers after my little discussion with mom. half of me wants to quit, but the other half doesn't. i should, though, for my sanity and happiness. i'll talk to dad tonight, and let him know what's on my mind. he should understand. and, when it comes to jobs and careers - there is really nothing that truly excites me. how sad is that? there is nothing that i really truly want to spend my life doing. sigh.
how many more weeks until my medication starts to kick in?
she says she only wants me to be happy. then why the hell does she do this? i started taking zoloft today. mom got quite irate when she saw me pull out the pills. she stormed off after making some snide little remark, and dad followed her, hoping to calm her down and/or placate her. she would only feel slightly better about me taking medication if i went and saw the priest and got prayed over. i got pissed. dad wants me to do it so that there's some peace. i bitched. dad told me that he would go with me and that it wouldn't take long. oh, fucking joy, i get to go get prayed over. again. mom said she wouldn't stop me from taking zoloft, but she sure as hell is going to make me feel awful about doing so. ...and just now she came upstairs, with tears in her eyes, and apologized to me. gah, she's even moodier than i. poor dad. he has a wife that is perimenapausal, a daughter that's depressed, and a daughter that's pregnant [yes, my parents basically consider val another daughter]. dad has to put up with quite a lot of moodiness and fluctuating hormones. anyway. i'm off in a few hours to head over to locke's. hopefully tonight goes well and i don't throw up, because i feel dangerously close to doing so. but anyway, after that, we're going to go to the breezy christmas party. that should go okay, i hope. afterwards, we'll go out to val's party for a bit, then head back to locke's, where i'll spend the night. oh. just now i realized why dad had me read this, and told me never to show it to mom. scroll down to where it says "adverse effects" and start reading. it even made me vaguely nervous. mom would have a frickin' heart attack and never allow to me to take zoloft if she got ahold of that.
last night was all right. work sucked, as i'm not overly comfortable with nate, and so i have a hard time talking to him. so, i begged josh to come and visit me. it was really nice talking to him, since i almost never see him anymore. he claims that my depression started since we quit hanging out. so, his solution is to see him more often and i'll cheer right up. he left after a while, and so did nate. nate just up and left about 10 minutes before we closed, so i was all alone. i didn't even realize when he did leave. needless to say, i was none too happy, and i was just a bit nervous being all by myself, especially since the last few customers were middle-aged drunken men. once i got home, i called locke back to say that i did want to get together and do something. twenty minutes later he called me back, checking to see if i really did want to do something. so he came and picked me up, and things were a bit rocky between us for a little while. eventually, though, all was better and we got along fine. i was happy, but i was falling asleep. i struggled to keep my eyes open during the movie that we watched. hopefully i do better tonight.
aww, kyle is cute. he went snowmobiling in hibbing [i wonder if he knows people there... if he did, i would probably know them, too.. oder etwas...]. he apologized for not coming to see me last night and said he actually thought about not going because he promised that he would come to visit me.
i finally got val's permission to speak. val is pregnant. i'm still having a hard time comprehending that my best friend is going to have a baby. she was scared to tell my mom, but mom reacted really, really well: she was happy for her. and dad just laughed. after she got off work tonight, we went to wal-mart then to applebees. it was a really nice distraction for me, one that i desperatly needed. maybe if i take zoloft i'll stop being such a psycho bitch. there is so much i want to say, yet there is nothing i want to say. what is there that needs to be said? i apologize, but understand i can only change so much, so fast. look at my upbringing. look at how i was sheltered and repressed. try to understand why some things are awkward for me. why did things go downhill after that? what did i or we do? i don't know how to fix things. i try my hardest, i really do, though i'm sure it doesn't seem like it. there's so much i wish i knew how to express to you. i do try, but it's hard to break 19 years of habit. for as long as i can remember, i have always hid my emotions and thoughts from everyone. it was safest. and now i'm learning the hard way that i shouldn't do that anymore. not with you. i have to change everything i thought i knew, change the way i deal with things. and i lack the requisite energy to deal with anything right now. fuck this, give me medication right this damn instant. make me better, fix me, heal my mind so i don't fuck everyone else. tomorrow i start on it.
today's playlist? "downfall", "the difference", "long day", "push", "hand me down" - matchbox twenty, "as i watch the sun fuck the ocean" - boy hits car, "warning", "echo", "stellar" - incubus.
as soon as locke reads this, i'm sure he'll be convinced that my mental capacity is quite small. i am making headway in the realm of animal communication. don't laugh, i know it sounds new-agey and asinine. but it's true. i didn't initiate today's short talk, either. daisy, locke's dog, did. locke shooed her away though as i was trying to talk to her. as it was, communication didn't last long, but long enough to have an impact on me.
and in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take
Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah
[Chorus]
From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you
You wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind
[Chorus]
From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When LIVIN' ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah
Oh no, no, no
Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you
[Chorus]
From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Lay them down on me
Oh yeah
You're just one more hand me down
And all those nots don't give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down...on me
--"hand me down" - matchbox twenty
i wasted over half an hour putting together this playlist. it's kinda sorta eclectic, though i don't have much techno in there. i'm not really in the mood for techno, which is odd. i'm in a really good mood right now, a good mood that actually lasted even though i'm at home right now. how amazing is that? i didn't want tonight to end. theoretically, i wasn't supposed to go out with locke tonight. mom and i had a bit of a small, erm, discussion, about that shortly before i left. i asked her if she would rather i sit at home alone, bored, depressed, and so on. of course not, she didn't want that. good, i'm going to locke's. she wanted me home at eight, which i felt wasn't fair. we compromised on ten o'clock. shortly thereafter, he arrived to pick me up. tonight went very well, nice and relaxing and fun. first we watched a south park episode, then just relaxed and cuddled and chatted. i really think i needed that, though i didn't realize that at the time. i've been doing fairly decently lately, but still. just laying there, doing whatever, can make anything feel so much better. come sunday, i'll probably spend the night, so i'll have to let val know that i'm doing so. eventually we got up, and he made dinner, while i huddled at a counter with my head down in my arms, trying to avoid the light. light gives me a headache. especially when i have my period. anyway. he made a pasta then we headed downstairs to lay on the couch and eat. we watched a movie that was on, which was decent. after that, whose line is it anyway? came on. locke picked up way too many lines off of that show, methinks. for some reason, too, he gets some strange sort of enjoyment out of tickling/grabbing/whatever my feet, then watching them kick madly. i can't help it that my body reacts strangely. but yeah, today was really nice, barring the clammy hands i had at the end of the night. i have no idea how or why that happened, and neither does locke. ah well. bah, school tomorrow. i don't want to go, neither do i want to work on saturday with nate. speaking of school, that reminds me. i should not have even bothered to go to class today. only five of us showed up. we waited 15 minutes, but the teacher never showed up, and there was no sign announcing that class was cancelled. we were confused. so we just left and i headed back home, still quite tired. i ate a little bit, did a little bit of homework, then not much later locke called. hrm, this blog went backwards tonight. meh, ah well.
sigh. tasha has learned from bella kitty. bella pounds on my door and meows. tonight, tasha stood outside my bedroom door and barked until i let her in. hopefully that doesn't happen too often or i'll go crazy eventually. i listened to travis' voicemails and he asked again about st. cloud. didn't he get my email saying no? odd. so. i'm kinda sorta updating words again. pretend to be happy and excited. please?
yet another reason that i adore the guys:
<Gnomie> yeah...but I can't live without talking to Phe Phe....she roxxors
<Leechy> Phoenix rocks my socks
<Leechy> roxxors my soxxors
nothing like a random ego boost to improve the day. anyway. mom's painting the kitchen a burgandy shade, which i'm none too sure about. it's a tich depressing. but anyway, it was a pretty boring day yet again. locke and i got together before class, which was nice. this was a good idea of his, getting together for a bit then carpooling together to the college. at least i get to see him this way. after class, i only stayed at his house for a minute or so before taking off to go home, as i had a ton of homework. yay for college. and travis called yet again. i didn't answer the phone as i didn't feel like talking whatsoever. i wonder what he wanted. meh, i'll check the voicemail later. hrm, so "journey" sent me a pm on irc. i wonder if it's the same journey that has emailed me before? i would suspect, because if not, what a coincidence that would be. bah, i just missed locke on irc. hopefully he gets back on later. ooh, so it is the same journey. anyway. after i get done talking, i think i'm just going to collapse and watch a movie. i'm so sick of doing homework, especially doing that moronic international relations map. whoo, i feel like blogging but i have nothing to say. honey, if you're reading this before i get a chance to talk to you, he did assign lab number 2. and lab books aren't collected until mid term. so sayeth the josh. so, i'm going through travis' stuff right now, and i came across a song of his he hadn't shown me. i found it vaguely humourous. here, you can read it too. speak of the devil. he just called again and i just missed his call. `tis a pity. damnit, now i have 5 new voicemails that i have to listen to. aww, how sweet. journey likes locke and his web design and his poetry! my boyfriend is cute and talented! but i knew that. :)
fairly uneventful day today. i got ahold of the psychologist's office and made an appointment for next thursday before class. i don't even know where the place is. that might be handy to figure out. mom called the doctor today to get some information on zoloft. he told her that i scored 76% on the test [what that exactly means, i don't know]. he told her that i was severely depressed and that the medication was more than warranted. so i thought we all agreed i start taking it tomorrow. now both mom and dad are saying at least wait until the psychologist says something about it. wonderful. i should just take it tomorrow. travis emailed me, asking if i wanted to go to st. cloud with him. we haven't even really talked for the past few months, besides his inane random holiday phone calls. meh, i guess i'm not overly concerned. curious about him, yes, but that's about it. locke came into work tonight for a little while, minutes before mom appeared with food for val and i. we made her drive all the way into brainerd to bring us a pizza. sunday should be interesting. work christmas party with bill [the fucker] and his wife, trent and his dog of a girlfriend, jim and his bitch girlfriend, paula and someone, ryan, cassie, val and josh, locke and i, and... two other people i forget. after that party, val and josh are having a party that locke and i are invited to. so, of course, there's that. good thing there's no school on monday.
i figured i'd make a mention of earlier today, since that was actually decent. i woke up early, got ready, and headed off to locke's. i let myself inside, then picked his lock and stood there for a second, debating whether or not to wake him up. he woke up without me having to do anything. we just laid there for half an hour, which was nice. it's so relaxing just lying there, next to a warm body. the only downside is that i knew we had to be leaving at 11:30, and he had to get ready at 11:00. i just wanted to lay there forever. but eventually he got up, took a shower, and got ready. we headed off to the college, where i was a bit late for class. locke promised me that we would leave a bit earlier next time. all three classes were more or less uneventful. in mass communications, however, we watched the simple life [you know, the show with paris hilton] and discussed why it was popular, and what it said for a society where a show like that was popular. after class, we met back up and went over to locke's house, where we ate. he made us each salads, then popped in a frozen pizza. we headed downstairs to eat and just chill, relaxing on the couch. times like today, i'm the happiest.
if i could leave home without fucking up my life, i would do so. mom says she worries about me hitting my breaking point. yeah, well, thanks to her, i keep getting closer. part of our fight tonight revolved around whether or not she could legally commit me. she still thinks that she can, citing 'evidence' that consists of her friends that have put their grown children in hospitals. of course, she knows no details. as soon as i came home from locke's today, she greeted me with accusations. she demanded to know where i was. what the hell? i had even called her after school today, letting her know i'd be home a little later because i was going to go get something to eat. she grew angrier by the second as i pointed that out. "who were you with? where were you?" i told her i was with locke, but as i thought about it, i figured i should lie about where i was wit him: "freyjas." i told her. i got home at 5:15. we went at it until 7:00. my stress level was going all over the place. at some points, i was extremely close to breaking down in tears. others times, i just glared at her. with her, i am master of being a cold, heartless bitch. as she sobs, i can just stare down at her. she screamed that i wasn't allowed to see locke this week. too bad i'm carpooling with him wednesday and friday, eh? i told her that i feel like i'm on a leash. it wasn't enough for her that i called to let her know i was going out to eat and would be home later. she even wanted to know who with. i told her it didn't matter. thing is, i am 19, i am in college. this is fucking stupid. i'm sick of being bitched at when i didn't even do anything. i can't help my emotions. i can't help that i'm depressed. and i can't help that i hate being home. i was going to explain the energies in the house, how that effects me, but i decided it would be safer not to. she's bitter enough about the fact that i "hate religion" and that i don't pray to god asking if i should take zoloft. mom brought up the story about dad's mom again. she always believed that i was special. blah blah blah, yes, i know. i'm not going to launch into the story. but mom always thought that she meant "spiritually special" whereas i look at it completely different. i'm not chosen by god. and slowly, i am fighting her on religion. not fast enough to please locke, i realize. but it takes time. explaining my views on religion would mean flat-out warefare in the house, and i don't want to subject dad or val to that. nor am i eager to recieve the verbal beatings i would get from mom for my heretic views. i told her that i was happier with val or with locke than i am being here, and that it's selfish of her to want me to stay here when it depresses me even more. if being out of the house helps me keep my sanity and my stress level down, then let me do it. especially if you say you want the best for me. oh, and let's not forget the one comment that she made to me. she said when i look at her, the anger she sees in my eyes... it looks like i'm possessed. does she honestly believe that the devil resides in me? maybe she needs help.
holy fuck. quick blog tonight, nothing else. got done talking with val not 5 minutes ago - we talked for over two hours straight. so many things going on now. i don't know what to think. must remember to call pyschologist tomorrow and make an appointment. have to talk to val tomorrow. must meet locke tomorrow. maybe turn in two-week notice. i feel bad. i hurt locke, physically and mentally. speaking of locke, he hasn't blogged for a few. shame. but must get to bed. i have to wake up earlier than i normally do for tomorrow, then go and pick locke's lock. um, believe me, that sounds worse than it is.
last night was quite... interesting. i went back over to locke's, where we got along quite well. oil massage..mm... and stuff... anyway, at midnight my parents called, ruining the few good hours that i had. i went home, shaking all the way, where i got bitched at. still not real sure why. at one point, mom told me she wanted to commit me to a hospital. later on, she wanted to kick me out of the house. i don't remember much of last night, really. i was hyper-emotional and nothing really sunk in.
i'm quitting my job.
today i did almost nothing. i slept in late, talked to locke for a few minutes, talked to val for a bit, took a shower. i did some reading later on and soaked in the tub where i just relaxed and enjoyed myself. yay for bath crystals. and bubble bath.
<priest> this week's riddle is: what do you call a funny chicken?
<little boy> a chicken with it's head cut off!
<priest> that's... that's not funny...
i just emailed my international relations teacher asking if there is a way around the oral presentation that i will have to eventually give. i'm petrified of speaking in front of people. i will shake and stutter, maybe cry, and then come close to passing out. that reminds me. i have to go talk to my music instructor on monday, and i have homework that i should work on, quizzes to take for my online classes, chapters to read.
i have a hickey on my nose. ...don't ask.
i was quite surprised in mass today. i didn't pay attention whatsoever, but a small part in the homily caught my attention: the priest was talking about how the bible flatly stated that women were lower-class citizens, and when menstruating, they were unclean and should be avoided.
like i mentioned above, i didn't pay attention in mass anymore. why should i? i don't believe. i have lost all my faith in christianity. i did not decide to become an atheist, rather, it just found me. i almost think that i would prefer having a religion, having something to have faith in, something to hold on to. i have nothing left to believe in, nothing to reassure me, i have nothing. i have spent 19 years with some form of a god in my mind and now i have nothing. i don't believe in any god now. i don't know if that's good or bad. sometimes i wonder if this sudden shift from catholicsm to atheism is a contributing factor to my depression. perhaps. i wonder how this all happened, how did it go so suddenly? certainly locke is a factor, as is my mom. what else, though? what preciptated this drastic movement in my mind? i finally removed my scapular, the last memento of catholicism i actually have held on to. i still retained just a small bit of belief in it's powers. no longer. i cradle it in my palm, tracing the cloth and the medals. i finger the engravings. and then i set it down, where it is no longer touching me. it is not a part of my life any longer. i found this sentence from an interesting article from totse: I claim and worship no god, not even the one I believe to exist. i can see that being me, if and when i reclaim a faith in a god.
in church today, i began to think about magik. magik is seen as using powers from demons in christianity, and so it is not allowed. i do not see it as supernatural powers, but rather manipulation of energies. in that vein, i think that either everything living [trees, animals, etc] have a soul/life force/energy or none do. so that gives three options afterwards. either there is an afterlife which everything goes to or has a chance to go to, there is reincarnation for everything, or there is just death. nothingness.
dad is worried about me. i came home feeling like i was going to break down and cry, and evidently it showed in my face. he is concerned and wants to know what is wrong. how can i tell him if i don't even know myself? locke asked me what was the matter, told me it looked like i was about to just break down. i don't know. something is wrong. i don't know what it deals with, or anything about it. just an unnerving feeling.
so do you want to even continue this relationship?
and so it goes. another night that started off decently, another fight to end it. tell me how this happens. with him, i am so happy. i am able to forget what has happened in the day. i wish i was numb. then nothing could bother me. not mom and her saying that if i take medication i won't be allowed to drive. i talked to dad, and locke, and val about that and other things earlier today and i'm fine with it. if nothing else, it's vaguely humourous. vaguely. sometimes i'm scared. sometimes i worry. sometimes i have a right to be reserved. i can't always tell when i am being lied to or not. you always tell me what a great liar you are. what do i say when i feel hesitant about saying or asking something. you are quick with a sarcastic retort, ready to make me feel stupid for ever opening my mouth. i don't fight that way. and i don't resolve conflict in the same way you do. i can't. i have my way and it seems to bother you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything. i wonder if you even accepted my apology earlier tonight. do you know how hard it is for me to say sorry? i almost never do. do you know how hard it was for me to remove myself from my position and move over by you, curl up by you, and apologize? it is incredibly hard for me to do that. i almost never do. i wanted to curl up by you, i wanted to hold on you tight and never let go. but i couldn't. in fact, not much longer after that, you moved where i wasn't touching you. that hurt. i told you i would try harder to communicate. and i am doing my best. i am talking to you, doing my best to answer your questions. but i don't always know what to tell you. i expect the same from you. and i just want to be treated with some respect during these fights. please don't treat me like i am five years old with no concept of dealing with emotions or life at all. i have created a system of dealing with all the shit in my life, and though it may not work for you, it does for me. and i don't understand why you feel the urge to hurt me when i'm calming down. why do you hit me with little jabs, little jabs like those you did when you were bringing me back home. it hurts. i trust you and i try to open myself up to you. and you hurt me. you deliberatly hurt me. this is hard for me to understand. seldom will i say something to you that is specifically designed to cause you pain. i want to be with you. i want to understand you. you say you know that i'm not stupid: please, treat me like that, then. don't demand things out of me if you wouldn't want someone doing the exact same thing to you. remember, in some ways, i am quite similar to you - especially when it comes to someone demanding something of me. and please respect my way of coping with things. talking does not always make me feel better. please try to not get frustrated and angry with me when i don't know how to respond to something you said. none of this is easy. for 19 years i hid myself, withdrawing myself deeper and deeper within myself. every person i began to trust hurt me. please understand this and give me time. i am not going to reveal my entire being to you in three months. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. i'm just typing, typing to get this out of my system, typing to try and get myself to understand what i'm thinking and feeling. you expect me to share with you, and i would appreciate if you would do the same. i have a hard time asking questions of people. mom used to grill me and pry. due to such, i have a warped view of that, and i tend to regard me asking other people personal questions as prying. please understand i'm under a lot of stress. i don't mean to take anything out on you, but when it does, i am immensely sorry. i hope you can understand that. i don't want to hurt you. if i could, i would take on all the pain, anger, frustration, etc, that you're feeling now. i would rather suffer than you. i wish i knew what to say to make us both happy. i wish i knew what to say to make us both feel better.
time for phoenix's weekly "why i hate my mom" rant session. locke and i headed out to my appointment at the clinic today, only to arrive twenty minutes earlier. so much for timing. it struck me as there being a lot of elderly there, but maybe that was just my imagination. eventually, after filling out a form, i got to sit in a room and stare at the wall. forty minutes after arriving, a nurse arrived to hand me a little survey-type thing to fill out, basically asking me questions about my sleeping habits, eating habits, self-worth, etc. the doctor came in, added up the score and assured me that i am, without a doubt, depressed. he then asked me if i would ever be averse to taking some form of medication. i said i wasn't and so he immediatly asked me what drug i would want to take. "um... i don't know... i haven't really researched any..." he decided to put me on zoloft. i walked back into the waiting room with a stunned look on my face. as we drove back to locke's, i called mom to let her know that i wouldn't be home for a while. she got pissed and demanded that i be back in three hours or less. and she was none too happy when i let it be known that i got medication. i stressed about it for a long time while at locke's. we relaxed and talked, and he made me tea, and by the time i was getting ready to go home, i felt a little better about facing her. and then i got home. she literally screamed at me. she bitched how i shouldn't be taking medication, it won't help me, only talking with a psychologist will help. how one of her friends took some pills along with vitamins and ended up in the hospital. she won't pay for zoloft. she doesn't want me to take it. she doesn't know if it's safe for me to take it. he didn't do a blood test, why should i take pills? it's not a chemical imbalance. i walked out. i took tasha out and we went for a walk, where i tried to call locke [phone was busy] so i called val, almost crying, and vented. i went back home and steadied myself for a few more minutes of hell. this time it was thankfully short, and ended when dad and i went to a room to discuss psychologists. mom wants me to see a christian psychologist, which i am quite against. under no circumstances am i tolerating anyone else even mentioning jesus or god in a way that would suggest they could help me. i am not fond of christianity right now. i made it quite clear to dad that i would never go to one, and since i'm 19, they can't do a damn thing about it. but if i do take the medication, i don't know what i'll do. mom will not pay for it, nor allow insurance to cover it. so, i'm screwed, as i won't be able to afford it. anyway. locke was supposed to pick me up around 7:30 and we were going to go back over to his house. shortly before he arrived, mom wanted to talk to me. dad answered the door and let locke in. so for half an hour, with locke and dad upstairs, mom and i argued. we attacked each other. mom broke down in tears and i didn't care. i left. she had nothing new to share with me, just the same old shit she's already spat out. i vented for a while with locke as we lay curled up. right now there's there's nothing i want more than to be right there next to him, cuddling, peaceful.
in the yellow light of my headlights, a small white rabbit darted in front of my saturn. i stopped, waiting for it to move. i sat there for almost a minute before the rabbit hopped one way, then instantly turned and went back to where it came from. i sat there until i saw it go into the trees. sadly enough, i have more respect for that rabbit's life than i do for some people's lives.
note to self: saying "i wanted to die" in any context is a bad choice when parents have just recently learnt of one's depression. um, let me explain. that's how i started off my story about my asinine second class today, where the teacher took an hour to explain how to click links. and this is in pol sci.
anyway. i already completed homework for aforementioned class that is due on monday. culture and environment should be somewhat interesting and intro to mass communications, well, i don't know. it's an itv class, which i've never had. i'm none too fond of being on the tv so that the other campus can view me. my teacher has a habit of zooming right in on you when you talk. we had to introduce ourselves today and say what kind of media we used. so, travis emailed me two songs today, none of which were too highly exciting. the boy is bizarre, though. before he got into the song, he had a little paragraph that read:
First off, I must say thank you. The things you have made me see are just unreal. You have taught me much about myself and for that I am nothing short of grateful and thankful that you walked into my life. You rock. Do not ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You have helped me see something inside of me I didn't even know was there. It is awesome.
the only think i could think of was "what the hell?" i need to remember to ask travis a few questions next time that he calls me up. that, his calling... i'm confused. mom asked me the other day if i still "had feelings for travis". i was almost insulted that she said that. i would never again date travis. i'm quite happy with locke, thank you very much.
speaking of locke, i went over to his house today, after i brought my guitar into breezy. jim is thinking of buying it. i wonder how i'll break that one to my parents. but i digress. after locke and i made a quick run to the store, he made pasta. i sat and watched. that's the way it always goes, not that i'm complaining. i suck in the kitchen. and he's a good cook. we relaxed on the couch as we ate, then moved a few feet over to his room after dinner. we just laid there, watching futurama and talking. it is so comfortable just lying there that sometimes i never want to leave, even though i know i have to. locke, of course, is no help in letting me leave, either. but that's okay. usually. like today.
gah, the cat reeks. she won't get off me. and she's snoring.
i start the next semester at noon. lucky, lucky phoenix. i have three classes straight, which is going to take getting used to again. i'm used to having breaks between classes. anyway. today went pretty well, barring the fact that we blew a fuse at work. val and i had the heater and cd player plugged in, and that went fine. then val plugged in the vacuum and it all went to hell. afterwards i headed out to locke's, which was good except for the fact that i was in pain. i'm probably getting sick as my stomach hurts and i was burning up, yet i still felt cold. then i got so hot i was practically sweating. yay for school tomorrow.
i'm a fucking suicidal emotional wreck. i'm sick of these weird spastic outbursts where i burst into tears, where i wish i was dead, where i just want to curl up by myself and never face the world again. i want help, yet i'm scared to death of getting help. if nothing else, this is me, and i know this version of me. oddly, i'm comfortable with these facet of me. i'll still be me when this part of me is gone, but still. i don't know how to explain myself i guess. i'm just sick of being like this.
i'm sure. josh invites me over, then when i get there - he's not there. about five minutes or so later, he showed up. he didn't expect that i'd be over there that soon. i probably stayed an hour and a half or so over at his place. i haven't talked to him much as of late, which is too bad. i got some stuff back from him, then we just hung out for a while. while still over at josh's, i called locke back, which was... interesting. i forgot how difficult it is to talk on the phone with josh around. josh would keep talking, making little comments, as i would talk to locke. it was odd, to say the least. but then again, i should expect that.
and things continue to get stranger around here. mom woke me up this morning to tell me if i want to drop out of college and quit my job, that's fine with her. i laid there, gaping at her. what the hell? she said if it would make me less stressed and happier, well then, go ahead and do it. hell, granted, quitting those would be nice. but i can't. first off, if i drop out of college even temporarily, it screws up my future plans. and second of all, i would no longer be covered under their car or health insurance. so, obviously, i'm staying in school. the job, though, i may have to think about. i like the money coming in, but i guess i'd be getting an allowance of sorts. meh, let's see how bad this semester gets before i quit, eh?
i am currently obsessed with "personal jesus" by gravity kills.
locke, his cousin casey, and i went to the last samurai. it was a good movie, even though i fidgeted alot during it. casey, who had seen it earlier, actually fell asleep at one point. but yeah, it was good. when i got home, mom asked what movie i had seen, and after i told her, she asked what a samurai was. she inquired whether they were native americans. about the nightmares - i recalled some more of them. the first one consisted of bella kitty dying, and we were trying to save her, but the phone wouldn't let us call anyone. i woke up before that one ended. in the second, locke and i were sitting in front of a giant roasted chicken. jenny and sam [two girls i loathe] were giggling in the background. i was wary. cut scene. the two of us walking in a forest path with my alchoholic uncle. feeling of dread. cut scene. two unknown people, standing in an apartment. i've seen this apartment before in my dreams. it is a one room, with a bathtub right next to a bed and a large over-stuffed chair. there was something evil about it, but there was nothing that i could put my finger on. a few days ago i had a nightmare, also.
locke's phone call woke me up from a nightmare. i was covered in sweat and shaking. i don't fully remember what the dream was about. bella was dying, locke and i were going somewhere, something about an apartment... i don't remember. after, i came downstairs to find both parents seriously pissed-off looking. mom launched into some tirade, which i don't remember. i didn't pay attention, really, except for the part where she wanted the priest to pray over me. i just told her that i would think about, as i didn't want to get into a fight right then. she then went for a drive. two seconds after i heard the jeep start, i burst. "i'm sick of her dragging religion into this! i'm sick of religion!" i went on and on. dad was forced to listen to me. he asked that i not sour on religion, and i told him it was probably too late for that. he just asked that i go middle-of-the-road when it comes to religion. eventually i calmed down, and he began to talk to me. he said mom used to be more fun before she got like how she is now. it was a complete 180. he told me, "at one point, i even told her `you aren't the same woman i married.`" it was that different. he described it as being married again - he had to get used to everything all over again. he was surprised when i told him about the speaking in tongues - she doesn't do it around him, as he doesn't believe in it. as for all the pictures and everything, he hates them. he, too, considers them tacky. he went on to say they had numerous fights about them for a long time. i told him i couldn't wait to leave, to be on my own. he said it would be good for me, and go do something stupid to get it out of my system - he suggested dying my hair blue.
Phe*Phe we love you Don't worry...Koopidieo shall always be with you.
travis called yet again, but i missed his call so i have no idea what he wanted. he said he would call back, but he hasn't yet, so that's good, i guess. ugh. that modem is frustrating me. i can't get it working and neither can dad. bah. maybe i'll go to bed. i have no energy whatsoever. pretty much all i did today was sleep and eat.
nothing much to report today. not sure how i feel right now. i feel sick, physically, and i'm still just a bit upset still. we kind of got things resolved earlier today, then something happened again and things got worse. locke and i went to the college today, where i picked up half of my books for $250. speaking of locke, i guess he called val last night around two in the morning. val talked to me about it today. i guess he said that he was concerned about me and... i don't remember what val said he left on her voicemail.
argh. i can't get my modem to work with mandrake. i'm getting frustrated with it, and dad isn't quite sure either what's wrong with it. that's probably my project for tomorrow. but for now, as i have no motivation to do anything, i'll keep surfing and watch south park. and maybe think about where i stand, regarding religion. i'm so lost and confused.
i lay here, typing while wrapped up in blankets that do nothing to soothe. i cannot sleep. maybe i am just scared. there's just so much i wish that i could take back. there's just so much i can't comprehend right now. my phone rang, i answered - was it your phone or mine that hung up? i guess it doesn't matter, really, now does it? can you forgive me for fucking things up? sorry.
i'm sorry for making the assumption that you would understand. maybe that's where it all felt apart. i thought that you would understand how i don't want to share everything. i guess not. but i hoped. maybe we're both too stubborn. do you understand, in that regard, i am like you? you push me, and i will not share with you. rather, i react opposite the desired way. i said i was sorry, and i meant it, but i hurt. i am angry, i am hurt, i am confused, i am nothing. i finger the new slice on my wrist and think how fitting it all seems. you threw my words and fears right back at me, and something broke there. i wanted to die. you couldn't see me scraping my fingernails down on the back of my wrist. where do we stand? how do you feel? i only know what i'm feeling, and it is nothing i can vocalize. i don't know where to begin to resolve, or how. you just want one thing. and i'm not going to say. in the end, i'm the one that regrets those unsaid words more. please let these words die inside me. please let these words harbour in me a bit longer, let them hurt me, rather than the both of us. you don't understand. can you accept? it was going so well. i'm sorry for the way things turned out, from the very first comment. it was a harmless comment, i meant nothing by it, but you reacted and things went from there. i'm not placing the blame on you, please don't misunderstand. this is both of us, maybe moreso me, i don't know, and i guess i don't care. i want things back to the way they were earlier today, when we were happy. when we were being stupid and having fun. believe me, i'll take you dumping water on me than this fight any day. i hurt, phsyically and emotionally. i don't know what to do. i wanted to come home and think about this. i figured a chance by myself would offer me a way to think the events over. i'd calm down, be less emotional. i told you this, you instantly removed your hand from mine. i almost cried right there. i wondered what you were thinking. i'm crying now, out of pain and hurt and frustration. i'm no longer defensive. i'm too vulnerable right now. at least i can not be hurt again right now. comments sting, even comments spat out in frustration, comments you apolgized for. i'm sorry, but they stick with me for now. i look at the rose. i look at the two stuffed animals in reach. i look at my knife. and i do nothing. i sit here. there is nothing i can do. all i want is to resolve this, but how. i don't know. what do you do when the only one that can make you feel better is the one that made you weep? i'm sorry that i'm such a fucking idiot. i'm sorry that i don't want to share that one thought. is that the one thing that's doing this to us? i'm sorry, i don't know what to tell you. i'm sorry for what i do to us. i'm sorry for not sticking out and trying to resolve it. only, we were getting nowhere and i was getting more frustrated by the minute. i was angry, i was hurt. i only wanted you to understand. i cry for the both of us. i just wish i knew what to say or what to do.
i'm so sick of this fucking charade. mom knows that i'm depressed, yet the way she reacts when i don't hide it... i just don't understand. i came home with a smile on my face, to not let them know the way things went tonight. i'm sick of acting, i'm sick of fucking things up. but i know i'll do both until the day i die. i wish i had a talent for something besides ruining things.
perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same
open my eyes wake up in flames
it took you to make me realize?
it took you to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what I believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
I don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust I will betray
give it to me I throw it away
after everything i've done I hate myself for what i've become
I tried
I gave up
throw it away
--"gave up" - nine inch nails
happy new year and all that jazz. i'm drained right now, and plotting ways to get out of mass tomorrow. work sucked, as i worked with paula, and we don't get along the best as it is. bruce came in, smashed out of his mind, and i didn't know how to deal with him. i did actually do a propane today - gah, i hate them. but none of that really matters. i was suicidal at work for a while. by the time locke came over, i was better, but i still wasn't the cheeriest person to be around. we ended up staying at my house for a while, then headed out to jesse's. locke harassed kyle for a while, using me to do so. we only stayed about an hour and a half. we then went back to his house, where we watched south park, then just talked and cuddled. i don't know what it is, but i feel like i'm losing people. i feel like i've alienated myself [or something to that effect] from most of my friends - i.e. koopidieo. i don't know if it's true or not. but i'll shut up now and get some sleep.