gah. i didn't go to bed until about 5 a.m. val had fallen asleep in my room, on my bed, so i laid down on the floor. at ten this morning, her fiancè called, waking the both of us up. now, she had gotten about 9/10 hours of sleep, whereas i had gotten 5. and i haven't been sleeping much lately. she was hyper and wanted me to be awake. i was pissed. she laughed, and said i was funny when i was crabby and sleepy.
i didn't do too much today, as i had no energy. val wouldn't let me sleep. i finally locked her out of my room. i spent a few hours doing research today. i downloaded a few pdfs on magik, paganism, and the like. i also spent way too many hours doing research on various religious beliefs, but mainly christian. ton of background information, as well as standings on various topics [things i differ on, such as homosexuality, birth control, premarital sex, hell, etc...]. when i really get down to it, there's so much i disagree with and don't believe, or question... i'm still trying to sort out my beliefs exactly. i think that's why i'm so preoccupied with my religious quest for knowledge as of right now. st. bridget is actually a [celtic?] goddess. the people refused to stop worshipping her, so the church named her a saint so people would convert. i did a more in-depth study of catholicism's view of hell and purgatory. one site offered this comment on it: Many devout Catholics have a overwhelming fear of dying, because they feel that they will certainly suffer - either in Hell forever, or in Purgatory for many centuries or millennia. this is a good religion, how? i did figure out some of my attraction for isis. according to a few sites, christianity stole the idea of isis, and just renamed her to the virgin mary. when i was catholic, i always felt closest to mary, rather than jesus or god. mystery half-solved. just one more thing on religion for tonight, i promise. there is a christian that doesn't support the theory of hell, and they give tons of reasons why. i recommend checking that page out. i am more or less secure in my beliefs at this point in time. mom's lecturing doesn't bring me back to the flock, nor do fundamentalist christian sites.
holy, it's been a long night. i love val to death, but it's nice to see that she fell asleep. i'm building a site for her, and it makes me want to cry. she wants carebears on her site. now, that's a bit difficult to do. then again, maybe i'm just an idiot. but go on, you try and find images of those happy, pastel, ursidaes. there are a few out there, but i'm reluctant to steal the images, and val doesn't want to email them to ask for permission. so that website is frustrating the hell out of me.
school went well, as i had only one class today. afterwards i met up with locke, and went to his house. ate a pizza, made out, talked. locke finally admitted that he had, indeed, given me an eye hickey. believe me, getting a contact sucked out of your eye hurts. [and lest anyone think oddly of me, let me reassure you that having my eyeball sucked on is in no way a turn-on.] and my ear still hurts, and i think it's still a bit puffy.
i had deviantart up, and was viewing a comment someone had written about one of my drawings. val insulted my drawing and i just listened. eventually i informed her it was my drawing, and needless to say, she felt horrible. it was vaguely amusing.
i went into breezy to go put gas in my car. i saw phil there... we didn't really talk, though. and some guy came in, and stopped at looked at me for a second: black boots, camo pants, black shirt, black wristband, black leather duster, and black beret. "what are you, in the army or something?" he joked. i was about to comment back when he seemed to have a change of heart. he seemed apologetic. he got his change back, and handed me his dollar bill. what the hell? meh, i don't care. free money for just standing there getting insulted.
i hate bush. i hate our president, i honestly do. i did a bit of research on where he stood on the issues tonight. here, for your viewing pleasure, are some of the things i disagree with him on, or hate his stance on it [copied straight from site]:
oh, and mom came in to talk to val and i. it initially started due to my rant about never voting for bush, and what a horrid president he is. i argued with her on a few things, then grew silent as religion became more of the issue. she says kerry and nader don't have morals, only bush does, because he is against homosexuality and abortion. and it only deteriorated from there. val and i are pretty much doomed to hell. val is a forcinicator. and i'm just... me, i guess. her scare tactics work quite well, and i have to try hard to not fall back into her clutches. she prophecies doomsday, which in her mind, is coming right up. i have mortal sins on my soul, and i will suffer for them. someday soon i will see god, and i will repent. once again, she stressed the importance of seeing the passion of christ. it would make me "never want to sin again". people came out of the theatre with tears in their eyes, she told us. i don't know how to explain it, i guess. she talked for about an hour. she said how she hated all this "liberal crap", and the fact that i was liberal. being liberal, to her, is an affront to god. she said to pray about what i should do about the election. and that god chose bush. and to just trust in god. she's claiming she's seen satan in this house. she says in her earlier, sinful days, the devil "had his way" with her. i was tempted to ask if that's when i was concieved. and here, she's said he's been in her bedroom trying to take possession of her. and basically, if i don't go straight to hell, i'll be in purgatory for a long time. or something horrid will happen here on earth. mom says everything i've suffered has been from sin. she says tolerance of other religions is just cowardice - refusing to tell them that they are going to hell. at any rate, at least i'll see locke, josh, val, and jesk in hell. along with john lennon and gandhi.
1:24 AM 2/27/2004
my stormed out of the bathroom val and i shared, exclaiming "the floor is sticky crappy-crap!" my god, when i have kids, i don't want her around them. i want my children to be intelligent; she'll taint them. my parents left me alone for a bit today, as they went to go see the passion of christ. i decided to go through the bookshelves downstairs to kill time while i waited for locke to arrive. i found a thing on hibbing [did you know charles manson's trial lawyer was from hibbing?], an autographed book of poetry, another autographed book, and surprisingly, a paperback that was about lucid dreaming. why my parents have that, i have no idea. but i grabbed it and took it upstairs. after locke arrived, we went to jesse's to go pick up a plant. unfortunatly, it took us a while to get there as locke took the wrong road a few times. then we just went back to his house and relaxed for a long while. after viewing an episode of x, he took me home. meh, what a boring entry. it's been a none-too-exciting day, however, and i'm getting sleepy again.
1:05 AM 2/26/2004
liberal party of minnesota. i was intriqued by the name, but the site is quite bad. never trust a political party that hosts its site on geocities. then there's the grassroots party, whose slogan appears to be because the cannabis prohibition does matter! anyway. i actually have nothing to really write about, as i desperatly need sleep. i haven't really been sleeping much as of late. i've noticed i've taken an interest in isis lately. well, for the past few months. i wonder why that is... but yeah, i've half-awake and barely coherant right now. i went to the dentist at 8:30 this morning. ugh, that is way too early for me. i headed out to locke's after that and promptly fell asleep on his mattress. each time his alarm would go off i'd wake up, then fall right back asleep. he got ready as i slept. i think. and... i give up. i'm going to bed in a few minutes.
12:30 AM 2/25/2004
locke and i are doing fine now. we got together tonight and just talked, laughed, cuddled. everything seems to be fine between us now. so i'm happy. anyway, mom and i got in a bit of a fight this morning before i left to see the psychologist. she says if i'm not better by this summer, i can't go to bemidji. screw that, i'll move out and pay for college myself. i'd only be worse off if i didn't go. as i walked off we were still bickering. the psychologist suggested going on a weekend retreat - just to relax and be by myself. when i got home, mom and i had a long discussion. we talked about last night, about me driving at night, and then religion. i told her that it felt like i wasn't allowed to voice an opinion. so we talked about that, and i told her how it seemed as though she forces her beliefs on me. she agreed to work on that. she is going to try and respect my opinions more, as she wants me to share with her what i believe [ha, right.]. i told her it's fine to share with me, just don't try to make me believe. sometimes i kind of wish i believed what she does, though. not that i long for the rules again. not that i long for the restrictions and the predjudice... it offered comfort. but in the end, is truth or comfort more important? to some, christianity offers both. and i am happy for those that have that, and do not seek to convert others. oh, and just to end this off.. here's a quote from martin luther: "to be a christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason." oh, wait, one thing before i forget: mom has told me the past few days that she just wants peace in the house, that she can't take it much longer. ditto with dad. my question is, what happens when it keeps continuing? will they go insane? move to canada? become homicidal and/or suicidal? that might be interesting. should i keep pushing?
fuck bush! i hope to god that the amendment doesn't pass. write to your congressman, or email the president himself.
2:34 AM 2/24/2004
val's words of the day are: piece of shit. and tumor. while locke and i were fighting on the phone, he called val a tumor that i couldn't get rid of. i freaked out. val sat there, slightly laughing. now it's a bit of a joke, even though i'm pissed he ever said that. but while she was drinking bawls, i mentioned it and she laughed so hard it came out of her nose. but i was so hurt that he even would call my best friend that. he had no right to interfere in this. i can see his side, but still. it did not involve him. more people were hurt. i don't know what to say, as i feel like some of this is my fault. but needless to say, my best friend is in a lot of pain. val and i are fine with each other, even able to laugh and cry and everything. things are a bit tense between locke and i. val had called me crying today, and i called up locke to talk to him, as it was traced back to him. almost immediatly, i asked, "what did you tell pat?" he paused, then asked, "who is this?" i was so pissed. on the phone, later on, we briefly mentioned cutting ourselves. i was hurt by the fact that he seemed fine with me hacking at myself. he told me, "i just decided to let you hurt yourself as you let your best friend do to herself." he makes it seem like i don't give a damn for val. argh. i'm a quivering mass of screaming emotion right now. and now my emotions are unraveling. locke and i are going at it, neither of us stopping. hacking and slashing at each other. i want to cut myself so badly. this is draining on me, as well as locke i'm sure. it's like a fucked up game of chess, almost. i don't know how to explain, but our sentences... i don't know. it's plotted, it's a fucked-up game trying to attack each other.
3:29 AM 2/23/2004
does the drama ever fucking end? val came home a little after 1 a.m. she had made out with ryan... and stuff. she's giddy as hell right now. tonight was the first time he's kissed a girl [he's 21]. a little before two, mom wanted to talk to me. shit. so i go out to talk to her and, of course, i get bitched out. how dare i wear a tank-top in front of her and my father! how disgusting and immodest! thanks, mom, that really makes me feel great about myself. she tells me i dress immodestly. i don't wear my scapular, how dare i? i'm "trying too hard to be liberal." i'm going to hell because i have two mortal sins on my soul. we argued again about homosexuality. i told her that the homily she had sent me pissed me off, that she was pressing religion on me. she replied that it only angered me because i didn't want to face the truth. i bitterly told her that i wasn't changing, it was just that i was thinking and voicing my opinions. she got irritated and again accused me of changing and losing all my morals. she told me to stop analyzing everything, to stop "being so intellectual, just use your heart." i stared her in the face and almost said, "fuck god." luckily i have more sense than that. at one point she broke down and began crying. oh, and sometime in may, on a thursday, at 8 p.m., look out, because the end of the world is coming. didn't god say we wouldn't know the date nor the time? meh, piddling little detail. i guess this was foreseen in some vision. we argued about a few things. at one point, she asked me if i believed in the bible. i responded, "only if god himself appeared in front of me and said it was true." she said dad can barely take it anymore. the way she phrased it made it sound like i'm pushing him towards suicide. at least they'll be fucking happy as hell when i'm gone.
12:18 AM 2/23/2004
val still isn't home. if ryan did anything to her, i will fucking rip his balls off. i just love val, and i don't want to see her hurt...
hrm. i hope locke and i didn't scare journey with our email...
anyway, short blog tonight as i don't feel like blogging, really. i've spent my night doing research on various things. tonight with locke was fun, however. we took my car and went for a drive. we hit two fucking creepy towns - it was an uneasy feeling in those places - there was almost no life. the houses were decrepit. and at almost every house was a sign that read "no trespassing" "private property" or "keep out." we did trespass, though. too late we noticed some guy in the house, and as we tried to turn around, the car started to get stuck. the man came to the door and we booked out of there. i was scared he was going to come out. anyway, somehow we got from riverton to trummold [something like that]. no idea how we did... anyway. gah, that place was unnerving. hard to get out of that town, too. we took a road out and it seemed like we were leaving the town. along the way, we encountered two detour signs. all of a sudden - dead end. a detour sign was flipped upside down, but there was no road. just the way we came. then we trespassed on some company land - "range" - and saw some rather odd sites. a building painted to look like it was made of logs that read "camp granada". and a giant purple snake-like creature with one eye. that was creepy. it would give little kids nightmares. we're heading back one of these days to check out an abandoned school... i'm really liking these little trips...
1:21 AM 2/22/2004
<val> what do you think he
would do if i put his hand on my boob?
<phoenix> probably get an instant erection.
i was in such a good mood today, but mom sort of ruined it. oh, and val threatened to shove a tampon up my nose. but anyway. mom pissed me off greatly today by entering my room and going into my closet when i was in the shower. then when i was in my room, she came knocking on the the door thrice, each time stepping into it and looking around. what the fuck is she looking for? i have a newsboy cap that she's been trying to get me to wear, which i refuse. i wore my beret instead. today she asked me if i ever read the homily that she sent me. pissily, i answered in the affirmative. to refresh any memories, the homily was about how gay marriages are blasphemy and so on. it was quite without merit. she also wanted me to read a short magazine article about how this pope is the last pope, and the next will be the antichrist. i must admit it is good propoganda - it always makes me nervous and makes me wonder if i should go back to catholicism. as soon as the material leaves my sight and mind, however, i go back to my heretic ways. i'm pretty comfortable not being a christian now. i feel like i made the right decision. oh, val and i went out to applebees yesterday. we took food home with us, and since val had cocktail sauce, we took the container it was in. to val and i it was no big deal. mom views it as a horrible sin [stealing!] and so she is going to go return it. i think there's such a thing as being too moral.
10:15 PM 2/20/2004
i didn't know that people still believed that dinosaurs and people lived together during the same time period. this site is hilarious as hell, as it shows you that people lived with dinosaurs, and dinosaurs were on the ark, and so on. an amusing read. and if you have time to kill, check out some jack chick tracts. they piss me off sometimes, but they're always amusing.
9:30 PM 2/20/2004
jackass. locke posted a message on the deviantart forum, commenting on punctuation usage in
poetry. one person said that line breaks do not represent a pause, they are merely a visual. he said if a
line read
i like this quote: "If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe." wish i could remember where i saw it.
anyway, other than that, it's been a good day. i got an 'a' on my paper about the international olive oil council, and actually got to start playing my violin, not just tuning it. so that's nice... val and i went shopping, and i still haven't found anything i want to buy with my $60 for maurices. my parents were a bit upset about the whole grades thing, but i brought up the fact that i was severely depressed last semester, so they calmed down quite rapidly. ...i don't know what to do with myself right now.
2:32 AM 2/20/2004
tonight was excellent. after val got off of work, she came upstairs to visit with me. we decided we wanted to go for a drive, so a few minutes after 11, we took off. as we drove around in the snow, we talked of everything that has been on our minds. she is feeling a strong attraction towards ryan, and feels quite guilty about it, since she is engaged and pregnant. we discussed me a lot, actually. i showed her my leg, and we talked about me cutting. she, too, used to cut, and told me about her stay in the hospital. we talked about christianity and my lack of faith. she is relieved that i am not atheist, but she's a bit frustrated, i think. she's sort of angry at mom for instigating my leaving the church. and then the topic turned to sex. i told her what i thought about locke, how i felt about him. val inquired how far i've gone with him, and i told her. we discussed what it would be like if i lost my virginity with him. we discussed everything related to that subject. it is so easy to be open with her about that kind of stuff. i got her input on that, and she also told me about how it was when she lost her virginity. it was an excellent conversation. we talked about travis. i had mentioned i had thought about going over there one of these days because he seems so desperate to talk. val advised me against it, saying i would just encourage him, plus, he's a jackass. then she asked if i did talk to him, would my feelings return for him, would i dump locke? i told her no, i could never date travis again. "good," she murmured. eventually we headed to wal-mart. from now on i must remember to bring my driver's license there after midnight. i've never been carded there before, though. but they stopped us and asked for our i.d. i didn't have mine, and asked, "i don't look younger than 18, do i?" they nodded. so a bit irritated, val and i left to drive around. we ended up going to a grocery store and buying $20 worth of misc. food, ranging from a starfruit to kix. locke called on our way back and told me that he was being given a free ticket to the concert he wanted to go to. i'm thrilled for him. anyway, val and i didn't get home until 1:30 or so. we ate kix, and val wandered off...
1:58 AM 2/19/2004
yay for frustrations with my camera. i've been trying to take photos, but it's being a bitch. and to top it off, i lost the manual for it, so i'm trying to figure out the features to no avail. my cramps are gone right now, isn't that exciting? yeah, i thought so. tomorrow i have to bring my violin in to get fixed. nothing major, which is nice, plus dad is going to pay for it. so, um, dad's going to be pissed. last semester was really rough on me, and i got two c's and an a. thing is, to get a discount on insurance, my gpa has to be at least 3.0 each semester. that fucked me with 2.9. each semester it gets lower. started at 3.8, and now look at it. gah, how depressing. i hate school. i always have. if i could, i'd get married, go live somewhere with tons of acreage and a stream. have horses, dogs, cats. kids, husband. no more fucking work or school. i'm so ambitionless. of course, that will never happen, but... meh. hrm. i was thinking how i wished i had cut deeper before so that at least something would scar. now i just noticed the little bit of skin that is slightly upraised on my knee - from dad, 8 years ago, hitting me with a baseball. i'm feeling better now, no longer suicidal. that feeling actually didn't last too long surprisingly enough. argh, i'm still wide awake. last night i didn't go to bed until four or five.
10:23 PM 2/18/2004
he asked why i was scared. i replied that i am scared because i fear loving and not being loved in return. there are few things worse. hrm. according to this, christianity is a mind-control cult.
4:15 PM 2/18/2004
i came home and noticed that no one else was home. i went to the counter and fingered the little orange bottle that held my antidepressents. i got a glass of water. i opened the bottle and stared in, wondering if it was enough to overdose on. before i could make a decision, i heard the jeep entering the driveway. i screwed the cap back on and took my water upstairs with me.
if i seem distant, it is because i am reacting to you. whether you know it or not, the energies you give off are extremely strong. i react immediatly to them. sometimes i wonder if you realize what you're giving off. and i'm not always sick. sorry that i get cramps every month. sorry that i have physical pains occasionally [which are often associated with depression]. sorry i don't feel like staying at your house for a while when all i want to do is get back home and curl up in my bed. i am in so much pain - think how much it hurts when you get kicked in the balls. that's basically what i'm going through. not that bad most of the time, but sometimes. do you feel like socializing at that point? sorry, i don't mean to come across so harsh. i'm just a fucking bitch. i wish i was normal. i wish i wasn't like this.
i've gotten to the point where a peanut butter sandwich, banana, and blueberry muffin is over-eating...
12:00 AM 2/18/2004
i just realized i have a huge-ass slice on my leg that i didn't show locke. i showed him the two slices i made on my upper arm that i did yesterday, but i forgot to tell him about the leg ones. it goes up to my knee, but it's not deep, just like the ones on the arm. we made a promise not to cut for the rest of the time that we are dating, anyway. it is only locke's concern for me that is making me stop, not because i so much desire to quit, but because he wants me to. hrm. my nose is bleeding. i have the cramps from hell. i didn't do much today, due to the fact that i felt ill, but i did go over to locke's house for a bit. we talked for a while, then went over to visit val at work. there was a bit of a heated moment between the two of us when he jokingly called me a slut, which i didn't take as a joke. i was feeling really creative an hour or so ago, but now i don't anymore. now i feel apathetic and depressed again, kind of how bad i was yesterday. so now i'm just watching south park and working on some poetry. i feel like taking photos for some reason. but what of?
2:43 PM 2/17/2004
it's getting worse. yesterday i laid in bed, occasionally moving a foot over to my computer. that was more or less it. today, all i wanted was to lie in bed again. i would not have gotten up if i wasn't supposed to get together with locke later today. ugh. i have the cramps from hell. i'm depressed and cramping. great.
9:17 PM 2/16/2004
let me clarify my last entry, perhaps. val and i weren't doing it to be blashemous. rather, we just found it entertaining due to the fact that we could change the colors.
i'm typing by candlelight. how quaint. dad is worried about me because i'm so unmotivated and stuff. hrm, i sound so elaquent, don't i? meh, no big deal.
i am not going to segregate myself from others. i swear i'm not. why do i always do this to myself? i have a great time for once in my life, then it's like i have to destroy it all.
6:06 PM 2/16/2004
val and i will burn in hell for being so blasphemous. she and i sat around on the floor around a candle i had lit. while i was looking for a chain, i came across a religious medal i had forgotten that i had. i handed it to val, as she wanted to see it. then she took it and put it in the flames. little christian val. she and i then took turns until it was charred black. we scraped it off to discover the medal had turned silver. we must have done that for at least half an hour. i wonder what mom would say if she saw or knew that her two girls were doing that...
12:48 PM 2/16/2004
why am i so tired all the time? is it the medication? am i sick? what is it? i woke up at around 12:20 today and i was still extremely tired. i feel so apathetic, and i have no motivation, though i do have a desire to do something - though i'm not sure what. i don't even have the desire to get up and take a shower. how pathetic is that? i'm supposed to call around and see who can fix my violin, as well as set up an appointment to get my oil changed, since it's like 500 miles overdue. my throat hurts.
11:22 PM 2/15/2004
this weekend was wonderful. locke and i have yet to exchange valentine's day gifts, as we're still working on them. saturday night i headed out to his place, dragging along my computer. we did exchange cards, and in mine he wrote part of a poem that he is working on. aww. [i think he stole the card from breezy, but... meh.] we hung out at his house for a few minutes, then headed out to go vist kyle and deliver his card. the three of us chatted for a while, then locke and i took off. locke looked so cute in his nice pants, shirt, and tie. afterwards, we went to the store to look for something to eat. we eventually settled on a pizza, and jalepano chips and salsa. mmm, those chips were addicting. anyway, after we ate, we wandered back down to his room. i leeched some files from him - music, south park, and a few movies. we chatted, took photos, and just played around. for the next four hours, give or take, we just laid on the mattress and talked. we shared little stories and locke made up two stories. i think i drove him crazy during the night. i couldn't get comfortable as i was too hot and thirsty. at one point during my thirst-induced insanity, i stared at his hand before deciding that he was too salty to quench my thirst. anyway. eventually i fell asleep around four, and had to get up at 7:15 to run home, shower, and change [long story why]. when i got back to his house, i fell back asleep again and didn't really move from the mattress until about quarter to one. we laid around and talked, fooled around, then we decided to go for a cruise. we grabbed the chips and salsa, along with some water, and hopped in my saturn. we just drove around and talked about whatever came to mind, which was so nice. it felt so perfect. we stopped in pierz when we were heading back so that he could have a smoke break. there was a little hill of snow right by where we parked, and so we ran up that. we stood up there in the crisp air for a minute, then headed back down and into the car. ah, it was an absolutely wonderful weekend...
"did you use my credit card?" dad asked me shortly after i got home. i gave him a puzzled look and replied in the negative. turns out it had been used in brazil, and so the credit card company was going to cancel his card[s] to be safe.
for some reason, i'm fascinated by this photo.
12:36 AM 2/14/2004
yay, no classes until wednesday. i'm bored, and i feel sick, so i think i'm just going to turn on fight club and head to bed. if you have time to kill and are easily amused, check out this irc chat log from tonight... it's fun to torture kyle!
10:42 PM 2/13/2004
argh. i'm sick again. mentally and physically, it's been a bad day. i don't know what it is, maybe the medication is fucking with me. i've thrown up twice today and i'm nauseous. i was a wreck today: in class, i sat there trying to hold back tears. an overwhelming sense of depression enveloped me. i was suicidal. i wanted to cut myself. when i got home, i hid my razor. val and i were discussing megan and jim [we saw megan when we ran into brainerd today]. megan has been talking to one of ryan's friends, and wants to smoke pot with him, and wants him to "corrupt her". jim has said if she ever does pot, he'll break up with her. looks like that relationship is on the rocks, eh? travis called me today. we [well, mainly travis] talked for over an hour. he wanted me to come over tonight, but i declined. the offer still stands, though. eventually he wants me to come over and see his photos that he took on his cruise. he told me about aruba - said i'd really like it there. he whined about how much he hates being single. he then told me that he and i should sing a duet sometime. gah, no. he still wants me to play guitar for him/his band, too. that's not going to happen.
12:23 AM 2/13/2004
i was hesitant to tell mom what i weighed. i knew she wouldn't be happy; i knew she'd consider me fat. i currently weigh 116. in a month, i've dropped 6 pounds. never mind, that, though. mom freaked and told me, "but you weighed 109 when you were dating travis!" she does consider me overweight, i think. for years she's told me how i should never weigh more than 110. i feel fat, and i think i could still stand to lose at least 6 more pounds. anyway. my prescription for zoloft is doubling, now. i'm going from 50mg to a 100mg a day. mom's pissed about that, but ah well. i guess i don't care anymore. today's been a bitch. i slept for 13 hours and could have slept longer but i had the doctor's appointment. i caught sight of the mirror and tears welled up in my eyes. anyway. i worried about locke ever since he called at 6:30 this morning, and it turns out that he cut himself. i feel so awful about him. we got together for just a bit today, and we visited val at work. after val got off, we ran to wal-mart as she wanted to pick something up. we ran into kyle. val told me i should date him. ...i wrote a new poem.
11:26 PM 2/11/2004
i stand there and i sob. not crying like how i did at locke's today, but rather long racking sobs, with tears cascading down my cheeks, drenching my face. what made me cry so hard? the mirror. i've always hated the way i looked, but catching sight of myself in the mirror when i was already an emotional wreck just made me sort of break down. i don't know why that exactly happened, but neither am i straining too hard to think of a reason. i simply hate my body. i hate how it looks. i hate it enough that i take a razor to it. i hate it enough that i'm almost starving myself. i went 23 hours without eating, save for a few bites of locke's salad. in a perverse way, i am proud of this. i know i shouldn't be, but in the house i grew up in - the skinnier you are, the better. some of my jeans are literally falling off.
uta hagen died. i remember having to read one of her books for acting class. someone else did, too... was that you, katie?
11:25 PM 2/10/2004
no nightmares this time. just a really messed up dream. i was in locke's house wandering around. i went down to his room, which appeared dungeon-like. there were weird furry green stuffed animals as well as whips and handcuffs. locke wasn't home, only erick was, and he later left. kyle and josh came over, then so did val. then locke appeared carrying a trained bird that attacked people. he offered me jello, and val bitched him out about it because i don't eat jello. and then i woke up. anyway. i think i may switch psychologists - i have to think about that, however. we got onto the subject of religion. she asked me where i stood when it came to beliefs, and after some though, i identified myself as a theistic agnostic. she seemed confused by that, and i attempted to explain what i meant. however, i'm finding problems with her being christian. she seems to think that i would be happiest going back into christianity, and mentioned all the churches found in the area. she doesn't seem to have a high opinion of wicca. i didn't mention the cutting to her, but i did talk about the nightmares.
um, yeah. this is starting to get odd. jim is going to mexico for five days but megan isn't going. i guess she was invited, but she declined, even though his parents would be paying for most all of it. val's theory on this is that she's screwing someone else on the side. i had stopped in at work today, knowing that val was there. turns out jim, too, was working. he asked me if i wanted to go to a concert with him - evanescence. i asked who else would be going. no one. oh... don't think i'll be going; locke would be none too happy with that. val and i discussed that later and she said that he had asked her if she thought that i would want to go with him. we both thought it odd that val wasn't invited this time, nor was megan going. or anyone else.
11:52 PM 2/9/2004
after i came home from locke's today, i ate. i had rice, with peppers, carrots, and broccoli. yum. then around nine val and i made onion rings and i almost threw up. i felt so full still. and now i have a few long gashes on my stomach, thanks to bella kitty. and... i actually have nothing to say. went to class, where we discussed nuclear weapons for an hour, which was fun. went to locke's. came home, went to brainerd, and now i'm going to fall asleep shortly, as i still feel sick. i like ralph nader. too bad he's not running this year. i would have voted for him last election, but i was too young. although - green party members will probably never get into office. i don't know who i'm going to vote for this year. i'll just have to do more research on them, i guess. i've noticed that the main thing i keep looking for in a candidate is one that supports gay marriage. oh, i did find one site of interest. it shows the candidates and their political party. some of the more interesting parties include: united christian, mike's party, menorah-thor, human being, the anti-hypocrisy party, and the national barking spider resurgence party.
8:27 PM 2/8/2004
i had another nightmare last night - a nightmare in which my throat was slit. i still feel awful about canceling my plans to get together with locke. i feel like i shouldn't have, even though i am sick. all i did today was sleep. granted, i needed that sleep. i'm starting to feel better now. through-out the day, i think i've been awake a grand total of four hours or so [before i started this entry]. and i feel bad about the whole jim thing. i should never have mentioned it last night; i think it pisses locke off. i need to just shut up and never mention his name around locke again. sigh. sometimes i think that maybe life would have been easier if i stayed christian. i won't, of course, i don't believe in it. with my catholic faith, i thought i would go to heaven. i was secure in my beliefs. didn't have to think for myself about different morality decisions. it was more accepted. but still, in the end, i guess i'd rather be how i am now, then i was before. in the end, i don't want to go back to christianity.
oh god, i'm sorry, honey. i broke my promise. please forgive me. it's not deep, not deep at all. won't scar, looks like cat scratches. i am sorry... forgive me for a moment of stupidity?
10:55 PM 2/7/2004
odd. xp decided to just mute itself all of a sudden. anyway. i still feel so incredibly ill. that and i am so tired i can barely even move. during work i had to go and lie down in a booth for a while. ah, ow... i think i just ripped off a toenail. it's bleeding like hell but it doesn't really hurt. strange. come valentine's day, i'm spending the night at locke's. my parents somehow actually believed me when i told them that there was a small lan at josh and andy's, kyle was going to be there, and that i was going to spend the night. it's on valentine's day because they don't have dates. i finished up the lie with the story that on sunday i'd go over to locke's, early in the morning [this is to prevent the fact if they drive by and don't see my car]. ugh, i feel sick. josh and kyle stopped into work today to visit me, which was fun. trent stopped in, gave me a hug. hrm. and jim complimented my boobs and ass, which was just kind of creepy.
10:33 PM 2/6/2004
i am an absolute bitch right now. my sweet boyfriend came over to talk to me and brought tea. wonderful tea. i ended up falling asleep, and at some point he left. dad woke me up later, wanting to know if everything was okay, since locke had left by himself. i mumbled a reply. i couldn't go to sleep, so i decided to enlist dad's help for a second with the speakers. it was set at the login screen [falling angel]. dad looked at the photo oddly, then slowly asked if i was into devil worship. i was shocked. i couldn't believe what had gotten into dad. i didn't think the picture suggested anything satanic. i love that image. but i reassured him that i was not. then he mentioned that he had seen locke's necklace - was it a "witch pentagram" on it? no, no it was not, i bitchily assured him. i was quite pissed at that time and decided to do without his help. i'm worn out, i can't sleep, i'm sick, and i'm bitchy. wonderfuckingful. i am glad that locke came to see me, even though i was boring as hell, i'm sure.
12:33 PM 2/6/2004
i awoke with the residue of two awful images still in my mind. the first showed a grainy image of locke, sitting on his mattress, leaning back onto the wall with a dagger through his heart. the second was a crystalline image of me, laying peacefully on my bed. however, my throat was finely slit, and gentle rivers of blood flowed from the slice.
1:34 AM 2/6/2004
mom told me that if i want, i can wear my cap to church. after all, she said, "the bible says we're supposed to cover our heads in church!" she was kind of bitchy today, and when i opened the door to let locke in, i was a bit nervous. luckily mom was hiding out in the kitchen. locke was gothed out - silver spiked hair, his goth shirt [i don't have a better way to explain it], chain, spiked wristband, the necklace he always wears that mom would deem pagan/satanic. i'm fine with him dressing like that, but if mom saw him... gah. she would give me hell for weeks.
...she must endure the distastful prospect of having an
aroused lusty nude man penetrating her womanhood with his blood engorged erect stiff member. She may even have to tolerate
his semen filled testicles as they slap somewhat violently against her sensitive anal tissue. Her vagina needs to open wide
and be well lubricated in order to limit the damage to it by the onslaught of impassioned deep thrusts as the man endeavors
to reach climax, and finally fills her vagina and uterus with his load of life giving sperm.
doesn't that
sound like fun. ah, the joys of sex... above quotation taken from exchristian.net. the rest of the article is actually quite interesting
and not at all like the preceding paragraph. the entire site is actually fairly interesting, and at times,
amusing. i've been browsing it for the past few hours.
i over-slept and missed my appointment with the psychologist. sigh. so i'm going in on tuesday, which will be good. as i mentioned before, locke and i got together today. it was an interesting night, i guess. even though there was blood that he claims didn't come from him, and i'm pretty sure it didn't come from me. he's pretty adament though that it was mine... but anyway, it was an odd night. i have a weird mark on my hand, now. it's red and quite sore - like a black and blue mark, only the wrong color. and a bite mark. and red where the stupid chain dug into my wrist. holy, that sounds quite kinky and s&m-ish, doesn't it? it wasn't. later during the night we drew up a little 'legal agreement', which we're still working on. details on that after we finish it.
do not, under any circumstances, call me pebbles. no, i am not launching into the story. yet.
11:06 PM 2/4/2004
one of these days, i need to leech from locke again. i want more music - as well as south park and x. yes, i want to gank some anime from him. wow. nothing too highly exciting to report today, really. i watched videos in both my classes today. in culture, we watched a snippet on female infanticide and dowries in india. in politics, the origins of world war 1. for some reason, my wireless mouse has been acting up. i'll deal with that when i have time. so now i have a normal grey mouse, and a yellow wireless keyboard. ah well. i actually like this mouse better than my wireless one.
shh, don't tell anyone, but i'm a bad employee. i sent customers to the other gas station sometimes, i steal [er, forget, to pay for stuff], and now i break stuff. saturday night val and i worked, and there was a huge mess under the coffee machine. we attempted to move it to clean it, but there was a pipe stuck to it, so we couldn't move it very far. i tried, though. anyway. came into work to find out that something was wrong. the coffee maker was broken, something with a valve and a pipe. sunday morning there was a two-foot long puddle on the floor. they think it started saturday night. so far, no one suspects val and i.
poor locke. i wish he was feeling better. i wish i knew what to do to make him feel better.
12:51 AM 2/4/2004
life has taught me to equate religion with intolerance. i am infuriated at the things mom wants me to believe. and it amazes me that she seems to think that by showing me what a priest from the cities says is true will be enough to change my mind. how dare they blame fights on me, now. it's not like i send mom stuff from various websites denouncing her line of thinking. this is what she sent me. it boggles the mind. thanks to that one priest, i am infuriated at the catholic church. i will never go back. i am almost ashamed that i ever was catholic. i used to be quite against premarital sex and birth control, living together before marriage, and other things. i've done a 180 on all that ever since i began thinking for myself. it's not mindless rebellion, no matter what they say. i am not catholic because i cannot believe in a god that preaches hate and intolerance for other members of humanity, denying them equal rights because of genetics. mom says if i was born in a different time, i would feel the same as she does about homosexuality. i only believe this because the media has corrupted me. maybe i would feel differently if born in a different time period - and maybe i'd hate blacks and asians, too. i'm tempted to become the daughter she hates. spiked, dyed hair. clothing she despises. already got the wristband. i am already the bad daughter, why not take it a step further? not that i will to just do so - i will do when i choose to become that person. if i wanted to mindlessly rebel, i would be out having sex with a ton of guys [and maybe girls], be pierced and tatooed, openly defy everything she says or does or stands for. and somehow, i still have enough respect not to do so. maybe it's respect. maybe it's fear.
on a different note, work was interesting. i worked with jim for the last time, which will probably make locke happy. and, um, i accidentally smacked jim in the penis. he had made a comment, i reached out to hit him, and aimed too low. oops. i laughed so hard i almost pissed.
i can't quite figure out if this is satire or not. any ideas?
hrm. i did have a much long entry planned out, but i got distracted, plus i'm tired, so this will have to do. oh, guess when val's baby is due? that's right, my birthday: september 8.
12:17 AM 2/2/2004
<dad> if you have a different idea, stuff it.
<phoenix> so if i have a different opinion, i'm not allowed to voice it?
<dad> no, you're not.
<phoenix> if i disagree with something, that means i just have to smile and nod?
<dad> yes.
welcome to my happy fucking life where my opnions mean jackshit in this household. maybe i am tearing my family apart, as mom said the other day. maybe i should care. but right now, i am so numb, i don't give a fuck about either one of my parents. if i hold a differing opinion about anything that mom believes, i cannot share. what was today's fight? homosexuality. i don't even really consider this a fight - just a heated discussion. except then dad came downstairs, quite irate. and he blamed it all on me. he said i bait mom, then i deliberatly jab at her. the final straw, i guess, was when i pointed out that there are other homosexual animals. mom was horrified that i could even think that being gay was all right. poor val sat there and tried to eat as mom and i went back and forth. to my credit, let me point out that once in the beginning and once in the middle i tried to give up and "agree to disagree". didn't work. i believe quite strongly in that, so i didn't back down once i realized there was no way out. only at one point during our, um, discussion, did i make a point-blank attack. she had defined family as a mother and father. i grabbed onto that, and asked her if a child raised by a mother, or a father, or grandparents counted as a family. she says research has shown that people choose to be gay. her logic is quite flawed, also. i was saying that i was for gay marriage. she asked me if i was for abortion, too. "that makes no sense. those two things aren't related... we're discussing homosexuality, not abortion," i told her. she thought it made sense. never mind the fact that i tried to stop this discussion, it's all my fault. thanks, dad, glad you're on my side. and then he made matters worse. it's now been made clear i don't believe what mom believes. he flat-out said that i believe in nothing she believes in. thanks again, dad. so now the family knows that i am not a christian. life keeps on getting better every day. we didn't discuss it, really. it's an off-limits topic. to ask me my beliefs is now a taboo. i kind of realized that this was going to happen sooner or later. i just thought that it would be later, and of my own choosing. i never thought dad would announce i have no faith in what mom believes.