damn you microsoft! i loathe microsoft - can't wait until i get everything moved over to my linux box. xp was being a bitch and rebooting every four minutes so i had to reinstall. again.
anyway. mom's feeling pretty bad about my depression, it seems. she called me up and said "i'm so sorry for being so rough on you these past months whenyou've been sad." also, it turns out that she called up the priest and talked to him for a bit. he told her that i don't have to go to confession. ha. i owe him one. i have an appointment with the doctor on the 8th, then we still have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
i got my hair whacked off again today. dad describes it as a audrey hepburn style. almost, but not quite. the bangs are a bit different. anyway. that's boring, isn't it?
val went on a little date with ryan tonight, which went all right. she learned she really wasn't that attracted to him, which is good, since she's engaged to josh. while she was off on her little date, i called up locke and we went to go see lord of the rings: return of the king, which was good, barring the fact that the ending dragged on. after that we went to his house for a bit, and talked, and i had a bit of a breakdown where i told him i thought i was "fucking psychotic" because, well... phoenix has issues. i took offense at something trivial, as i've been doing a lot lately. he said if he could, he'd come to the doctor with me. i'll have to check the time to let him know, to see if he can. that'd be greatly appreciated. i hope that he can make it.
locke needs to blog...
damn you, xp! don't reboot again...
fucked up. sadly, that is the only way i can begin to describe how the day went. mom woke me up to go to mass this morning, which did not go so well. it's bad enough i've never really enjoyed going to mass. now, however, i hate it and i don't even believe in the religion. great combination. during the christmas mass i was shaking i felt so ill at ease. i don't know what it is, but there is just something wrong. there is something wrong, something negative, with that church.
i'm scared. mom and i got in a fight today, and somehow, it came out that i was depressed. she will be setting up an appointment with someone for me. i know i need it, but i'm terrified. there is something wrong, too, something i can not yet discern. i feel uneasier than i should. mom wants me to go to confession, first, before i go see a doctor. i don't want to, as i don't feel that it would help me any. thing is, when i was five, she was going to kill herself, then she went to confession and she felt so much better and blah blah blah. but i'm not mom. now she's talking about having me talk to the priest instead of a psychiatrist. i told her i wanted someone impartial [meaning, someone who wouldn't tell me satan has gotten ahold of me]. she said that he would be impartial, and would understand, and that's he counseled other people. great. i'm pretty much agnostic right now, and i'm going to a catholic priest to conquer my depression. at least i haven't agreed to that yet.
i went over to locke's for a few hours tonight. it went well and i pretty much forgot my pain for the time being. he does have that affect on me, at any rate. there was still something wrong, though, and i can't put my finger on it. not with him, i don't think. not with us. there is something, and it is eluding me.
help me. be there for me. please understand. i'm getting help, i'm scared, i feel like no one cares. like now that i'm getting help, they don't need to support me. hold me. help me. be there until i understand why i'm hesitant. and after.
today just flat-out sucked. and my anger with christianity grows stronger every day, whether i like it or not. i don't want to go to mass tomorrow, i don't want to go to mass ever again. i hate all the religious stuff in my room. there are multiple reasons i'm angry with christianity, but one of the reasons is simple: thongs. mom found my thongs and went ballistic the second i walked in the door. we bickered until val got home. mom says that she used to think i was so pure, so chase, etc etc etc. "i'm not your little girl anymore," i started to say. she interupted me. she asked why i hid them. "because i knew that you would freak out." because i know they're wrong, correct? i then replied i found nothing inherantly evil about any kind of underwear. she didn't like that comment. she told me i hid them because my conscience told me that it was bad. no, i didn't feel guilty or bad. it was just because if she found them she'd get angry. case in point. she feels that satan has decieved me and that i'm slipping. at any rate, i saw nothing wrong with my underwear, she saw them as satanic [oooh, one quote from her: "did you buy them to feel sexy? if you did, that's a sin."]. i tried to argue that no one else saw them anyway [cough], so what does it matter? it matters to her. and she called my clothes slutty. no, they're not, and even if they were - she bought almost all of them. i don't care if she's disappointed in me. i'm just bitter.
today with locke wasn't the greatest either. yesterday i was thinking how well we were getting along, then wham we get into a fight. well, sorta. locke said some things, i got silent and angry, and yeah. we watched spirited away at his house, where i was still kind of hurt and bitter for about 45 minutes or an hour into the movie. we eventually got things straightened out, i believe, but i don't know. it's been a bad day and i don't want to do anything tomorrow. i'll mess with my computers then maybe go out and use up my gift cards. i just want to cheer myself up.
did i ever mention that travis called on christmas, too? that was the first time he didn't ask about locke and i. anyway. dad's been tormenting mom a bit, too, lately. she asked what was in the little fridge i got. dad told her it was none of her business, and as he walked off, he added, "she's got beer in there!"
work was uber-slow, and it didn't pick up until about 8:40, which was when aaron and i planned on booking out of there. ignoring the mind-numbing boredom, it really wasn't that bad. i left work, and shortly thereafer locke called. poor guy. his plan kind of failed. i was supposed to follow a white ribbon that was attached to the work backdoor, and it would lead me to my present and to locke. bad timing that he called me after i left. so i came back and found him by the swing. he gave me my presents: a rose, and a stuffed cat with a little note attached. if my webcam or digital camera were working, i'd take a photo. afterwards, we went back to my house, flipped through yearbooks, then headed out to his place, where we didn't leave until 2:30 am. meh. it was a really good night, and i'm still in a very good mood. hrm, i wonder if kyle has applied to bsu yet?
christmas went well this year. val loved all her presents, as did my parents. i bought val a purse, a default cd, and i burned her a mix cd. mom i got a book, and dad i bought a double-cd and a new red hat. i'm thrilled with what i got. feel free to skip the rest of this entry, as every year i catalogue what i got: mary kay perfume, a mini fridge, purse, 2 black shirts, black pants, khaki shirt, khaki pants, jeans, jean jacket, green shirt, wireless keyboard/mouse, maroon 5 cd, the king of torts - john grisham, a blanket, journal, play-dough, teach yourself c in 21 days, blank cds, jewel cases, wolf calender, "energizer power protection", college misc [laundry bag, manicure set, deoderant, band-aids, razors, floss], 128 ram, 128 ram for pda, usb hub, mobile power cord, 120 gb hd, $20 gift card, $30 maurices gift card, usb drive, lipstick, bath crystals, and daily friends calendar.
um, okay, that was embarassing. i wore a pair of my black dress pants to danny's tonight. i laid down on the chair for a while. well, turns out that there's a hole in the crotch of my pants - and i'm wearing a pink thong. anyway, it was interesting, staying there for a few hours. better than mass. at church i had to resist the urge to run out of there. but i digress. at the end of the night, danny was totally smashed. i was the only one that saw him drinking. timmy, we all found out, was quite anti-materialistic. he also gave mom a religious book [which was not a catholic book] and also used the same in the game we played. karl ended up with the book. timmy explained, "i prayed that whoever needed it most would get it." i won a $25 gift certificate, in addition to my presents from my grandparents: $30 gift certificate to maurices, and bubble bath. i felt so alone there, while we were eating. i kept wishing that locke was there, even though that was impossible. but anyway, merry christmas.
i am the walking dead. val woke me up this morning, and we just laid around, ate almonds, and chatted until josh came to pick her up. yesterday was mainly very good, barring one small incident later in the evening. val called in sick to work and asked me to work for her - i'd be working with jim. after a little bit, i agreed to work and so went to breezy at around 2:30. work was so much fun. i don't know why, but early on i was so tired then i got extremely hyper. kyle came in right before that, and we chatted for a little. he agreed to at least apply to bsu. whether or not he's doing to humour me, i don't know. but hey, at least he's applying. but yeah, i was so hyper last night, jim couldn't believe that i was actually sober. i kept doing this stupid little dance that made him laugh so hard he almost pissed. after work i even got him to do the dance, too. i don't know, it was just fun working last night. after work, locke came over and we messed around with the mandrake box. we got it back up and running, but for some reason, all the packages i installed - they won't come up. maybe i'm just an idiot, i don't know. i tried to get them to come up, but... maybe i just need more help. maybe i'll ask dad later, or perhaps locke on friday.
what the hell is up with travis? mom ran into him today when she was at s.a. he stood there for a minute, looking at her, then blurted out, "what do you think of locke?" mom gaped at him, then stammered, "i, i don't know. i don't see him much."
today was one of the best days i've had for a long time. val and i woke up early so that we could go into brainerd to pawn off our clothes. turns out that place is uber-picky and only took like 5 things out of four bags. we'll get money if they sell. the rest of it we just sent to goodwill. we also checked out a pawn shop, where perhaps i could make a little money. they take guitars and computers. so i could sell two of my guitars and a monitor, maybe some other random computer misc. val and i made a quick run to cub then headed back into town so that i would have a little time before locke showed up to pick me up for tonight. we got my tower, monitor, and his present in the car and then took off. when we got to his house, we both realized i had neglected to grab a keyboard and mouse so we headed back to my house, to go get those. networking xp home to his 2000 box was a bitch. my computer refused to see his. poor locke hates xp as it is, and this wasn't helping. eventually, though, he got it working, which was wonderful. i leeched a ton of files from him, which makes me quite happy. more music, more videos, and more south park and aqua teen hunger force [which i'm going to make val watch]. i can't really recall the chronological order of the night, so i'll write as it comes to mind. but it should be pretty close. we had to run to the grocery store to pick up some penne for dinner. i'm pretty sure that i saw jimmy's girlfriend, brooke, working there. locke, however, says i'm crazy. we got home and he prepared a wonderful pasta. i ate a ton; i think he was kind of surprised. we watched a few episodes of futurama, as well as south park, all of which were christmas-themed. except now i have that damn driedal [sp?] song stuck in my head, thanks to south park. and locke, who won't stop singing it. hrm. that oil that locke made smelled wonderful. i forget what scent he said it was. anyway. i am so worn out from tonight. trying to think what we did... oh, before he brought me home he opened his present. he seemed to like it, so that's good. it's a sword, with the blade shaped like a lightning bolt. i haven't recieved mine yet, but that doesn't matter. we'll just have a belated christmas, when i open my gift. but yeah, today was excellent.
at least i have grandma's sympathy. she, grandpa, and val's fiancè came to dinner tonight. the subject of our diets came up, and grandma asked me if i was on it. she was taken aback when i told her that i was. she didn't feel it necessary. she asked, "do you want to come live with me?" "will you feed me?" i responded. dinner went all right, i got in lots of little jabs at jabs at her, disguised as jokes about the diet. val caught on quite quickly and joined me in doing so.
nothing too highly exciting today. just as soon as everyone left and i was finally alone, travis called. oh, joy. we talked for a few minutes then my phone died and cut him off. he called me back, said his phone was dying, and that he would call me back. yeah, i'll be eagerly awaiting that.
i cause so much pain, none of it justifiable. i need to go to the doctor, i need to call and make an appointment. only thing is, an appointment costs money. granted, i am under my parents healthcare. but wouldn't they realize it, then, if i went to the doctor? someone want to explain how all this works to me? i could tell dad one of these days, but i'm scared. i know he'll tell mom, and i want to avoid that at all costs. how much more pain will i cause, how much more will i push away, before i have no one left? this is what i fear the most, yet look at what i'm doing. locke and i got into some asinine arguement tonight, one that we should not have had at all. it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for my insecurities, which are greater than locke realized. maybe they're greater than i fully realized. i know he's joking, yet i still take part of it to heart. each little thing would cut me down, and even when locke was better after the arguement, i wasn't. if anything else, i was worse off, as i was no longer irritated or frustrated, but rather, hurt. if i had calmed down, or started to write, i would have been fine. i don't know what happened. in a frustrated outburst, locke said something about how i needed professional help, help that he couldn't give me. i caught most of it. but what hit me harder was hearing "fuck" from him twice. he was swearing at me, maybe not to me, but at me. directed at me. i curled into a ball and stared at him, even more hurt and confused than before. "maybe i'm wrong" he said. he asked if he was wrong. i was hurting too much at this point to answer. i blindly stared ahead. why all of a sudden i was so depressed i don't know. i may never know, but that is not relevant. i finally answered that he was not totally wrong. i was silent for a while after that, until he finally asked how close he was. "too close." at this point, i was still enveloped in my own world, staring ahead with vacant eyes. i couldn't cry, i was too far past that point. i laid there, willing my heart beat to slow down. it wasn't to calm or numb myself, it was a wish to die. then emotion would take back over, and my heartbeat would resume beating faster. i thought how i have three 'weapons' in my room that i know i can cut myself with, but i won't. i'm not going to let myself. after a bit, with him holding me close, i went numb. unable to feel anything, emotionally. it was a welcome change. i am still numb, and i'm holding on to that for as long as i possibly can. at least until i know i won't do something stupid, something that i will someday regret. like cutting myself.
in other news, the mandrake box is being a bitch. and then there's religion. dad was talking about a man at work, and i figured out that he was talking about chakras. mom leapt on that and proclaimed chakras as new age [which she deems evil]. i flipped and went on offense, which i almost never do. i let her know that chakras were part of hinduism, and weren't new age, and new age isn't that bad, and how hinduism is older than christianity and... that's pretty much where dad intervened and stopped us both cold. i was angry. later, when dad and i were alone, i felt him out, regarding religion. basically, it all boiled down to that he just wants me to think about religion, and to just be a good person. that's good, that he's not like mom in that sense. oh, i had to go to confession today, and my penance was rather ironic: pray for those that have lost their faith.
tomorrow, as soon as i wake up, i'm answering those two emails.
i don't even know where to start this blog. work was all right, barring the fact that i was so bored i rearranged the impulse items into a pyramid, and dusted the gum and film. kyle stopped in for just a few minutes. he's getting a new truck, which will be good. i can't wait to see it. while he was in, jim came in. as soon as kyle left, jim stepped up to the counter and chatted with me a bit. i haven't spoke to him for a while. i asked him if he wanted to buy my acoustic-electric guitar - the one he likes. i need money, and i don't play it, so what the hell. my parents will be pissed, but i'd rather deal with that than have no money to pay bills. as of late, i don't really seem to care what it is i'll sell off. there is nothing that i'm really too attached to [well, okay, there are a few things]. i don't know what's with me, as of late. ah well, i guess it doesn't really matter too much. i'll sell off my stuff, have more money to save / pay bills with, and all will be well. i have too much shit as it is. locke came into work during the last twenty minutes. all was well until we got to my house and he sat down at the linux box. first off, he's none too fond of mandrake as it is, calling it an xp clone. it's not worth the agony of getting the network running, so i think i'm just going to give up. and, making me feel even more stupid, i couldn't get online on mandrake. turns out that the modem was loose. locke made jokes about it, and things deteriorated a little bit. my problem is i just over-react to shit like that. i hate feeling stupid. tomorrow we're just going to res-install the damn os, and locke is going to help me out. anyway. we hauled off to his house, which was even worse for a little while. he was doing something, and i asked him to stop. he asked why, i replied that i had a headache. when he asked why, i told him it was probably because i didn't really eat today. he freaked. he seemed none too happy about that. we went to the kitchen, and he asked what i wanted to eat. i told him nothing. then all of a sudden, in a bit of an angry / frustrated tone, he growled, "then i don't want to hear anymore about a fucking headache, if you're not going to do anything about it." i was taken aback. it wasn't like i was whining about a headache; i just mentioned it earlier because he asked. it took a while for either one of us to really calm down. he told me that i was starving myself, which i certainly didn't believe. granted, though i ate little, it certainly does not qualify as starving myself. i mean, i guess i can understand his viewpoint. if roles were swapped, i'd probably react the same, or close, as he did. he did make me think. at one point, he pointed out that while i was sitting there, thinking, i was smiling. an ironic smile, he told me. i couldn't figure out why at the time, but i can now more accurately recall why i'd be smiling [though that action itself was subconscious]. locke had mentioned anorexia, and how mom is implanting that into me. i remembered when i told him how i've frequently gone without eating, or just a little food. tying those two together, i thought back to an old journal entry from a year or more ago. it mentioned how i'm "flirting with anorexia". it wasn't a happy thought, nor something i was gratefully advocating. it was an ironic little mention, one tinged with sadness and bitterness. of all the people i know, mom is the only one that has ever called me fat. and why it affects me so much, i do not know. i should just shrug it off. but it's hard. you hear that you're fat every day, and you begin to believe it. you feel ugly and fat. and i'm trying so hard to not believe that anymore, and locke is helping significantly. hi, i'm occasionally suicidal and i may have eating disorders. yup, that's appealing in a person. thanks, mom, for helping to cement these things in my mind. but i'm making progress, slowly, but at least it's progress. and i am just so grateful for locke, for just being there, and reassuring me that i am not a fat, ugly, idiot. i'm trying...
what the hell? my lamp just turned itself on. that's frightning.
um, oops. way too late i noticed that jme had sent me a pm on irc. i was busy, and i wasn't even paying attention to irc. thing is, i can't even email her, as i don't even know her email address. wait, she just gave me it...
i've been uber-busy today, rearranging my room, and i'm still working on it. i'm attempting to switch everything over to the linux box, which may take a few days. monday i'm bring the xp box over to locke's, so that i can leech some files from him. speaking of, i have to wrap his present still. oh, and congrats honey on your 'b' in javascript. that's excellent.
argh, i have to remember to email people back today or tomorrow. i'm so bad at that.
i moved my bed over to another wall, then moved all the computers over, switched monitors, and just found out that the sound isn't working on my linux box. we don't know if it's the soundcard or what.
erm, more later... once i'm alone.
hrm, i'm in a really weird mood.
blah. blayne sent out a mass spam of text messages, to see who wanted to go to applebee's tonight. i declined, but i guess locke ended up going. i wonder who all ended up going. speaking of locke, i went over to his house after finals today. finals were uber-easy, all we had to do was write a paper on a controversial subject. we had two hours. i wrote it on gay marriage, as i had written on that earlier, and i still remembered all my key points. i finished both my rough and final drafts in 45 minutes. anyway. i was over at his house for a few hours, which was nice. two months, hrm. we watched a south park episode, then he made, well technically it was breakfast, but it was at 3 in the afternoon, so... after that he took daisy for a walk, then came back and curled up under the blankets in his room. we watched the animatrix, and just relaxed for a while.
i ended up running home quickly, then going to visit val at work, after which we made a run to the store to buy some contraband food, where we ran into andy. he told me that i needed to eat more. maybe i don't need to go on a diet, but i certainly don't need to eat more. i can afford to drop a few pounds, even though 10 pounds may be a bit extreme. mom bought food tonight, and val and i just stood there and stared as she and dad unloaded the bags. dad jokingly asked us for help putting it away. i replied we wouldn't, as we weren't allowed to eat the food anyway. at least val and i can joke about the diet, though.
moo.
oh, joy. mom finally guilt-tripped me into going on the diet that she and val are on. only thing is, i'm alloted only 50 carbs a day. a bottle of bawls has 32, a banana 26. i'm over my limit even at that! goodbye food, hello hunger strike. hrm, i really don't feel like blogging tonight. val and i went through our clothes, to find stuff to sell. i kept two pairs of jeans as "motivation pants" - meaning, i want to fit back into them. mom says i need to lose 10 pounds. ugh. so i'm selling off clothing, hats, shoes... eventually i have some magazines i'll sell off on ebay. i also want to sell a necklace that travis bought for me last valentine's day. i love it, i still do. thing is, i know i'll never be able to wear it again, due to the memories that surround it. so time to pawn that off... anyway, not much to report tonight, besides that. i only have one more final then i'm done with this semester. yay. i worked with val tonight, which went well. locke came over after work for a little while; he played mario while i layed there watching him. more exciting than it sounds. better than watching travis play quake 3. at least locke speaks to me during it. gah, why am i so exhausted? i just don't understand.
blah. i am getting so sick of bouncing back and forth between emotions. plus, it doesn't help that i have my period. i'm more emotional during that than i am normally, so i'm uber-emotional. but tonight, first the horrible little chat with jme, which didn't go over too well. it actually got to the point where i was so frustrated that i hit "ignore user". locke actually then ended up interfering [i don't mean that in a negative way]. jme and locke had a much more civilized convo than did jme and i, which is surprising, considering the fact that the two aren't overly fond of each other. female friends hate locke. male friends like locke. hrm. anyway. going along with that theme, locke asked me when val was leaving for texas. i relayed the message to her, and she got quite irate about it. when i told her that he said good night, she responded under her breath, "i hate him."
val told me about an incident that happened in brainerd today, at a gas station. some girl put gas in her car, walked in to pay and walked back out. over the mic, the cashier inside called her back in, saying that her credit card was declined. the girl walked back in, and was told that someone had seen a man get in her backseat. that is so creepy. that'll make me nervous for a while, now. i just hope that no one lets mom onto that story.
okay, this layout is starting to grow on me now...
i never want to be pregnant. argh, i had the cramps from hell again today, worse than last time. i cried whenever i moved, whenever i didn't move, whenever i breathed. i can only imagine how much worse childbirth would be.
lit went surprisingly well today. mccalla was in an excellent mood and joked around the entire time. he and the entire class bantered back and forth about the characters in the play we read, mccalla recieving pity kisses, and how he used "bitch" in front of the class, but refused to say "crap". after class i helped locke with his papers for a while, then went home and passed out.
blayne's rantings on how computers should be text-based reminded me of something. when i was little, i worked in dos and command line. what happened to me? why can't i really do that anymore?
nothing like a convo with good friends that are perverts...:
* Leechy proclaims: 'Dinty Moore for the masses!'
* draven proclaims: naked leechy for the masses
<phoenix> yay
<draven> not for phoenix silly
<phoenix> awww :(
<phoenix> what do i get, then?
<Towelie> nothing
<draven> hmmm, chocolate covered dravens
<Towelie> we get naked Leechy while you get no soup for jew
<Towelie> lol
<phoenix> chocolate covered dravens works for me..
<Towelie> hey...where's my chocolate covered draven?
<phoenix> only i get that!
<draven> wow fiesty there huh honey?
<Leechy> wait... what about chocolate covered Leechys?
<phoenix> hrm...
<Leechy> I can be everyone's new favorite holiday treat
<draven> hmmmm nay leechy needs whip cream and cherry nipples
<phoenix> lol
<Leechy> works for me
<Leechy> How many licks does it take? :D
<Towelie> only 1 baby
<Towelie> hooah
uber-short blog, then i collapse into bed. i don't know why i'm so tired all the time, unless... locke and i had a small tiff tonight, and it was pretty much only after that i got tired and worn out. i wonder if it's not arguements, and stress, etc., that's bringing this on. a highly non-eventful day, pretty much. i only got a few hours of sleep, then headed off to mass, where father george, during his homily, talked of saddam's capture. mass was only 1/2 hour long today. dad figured it was because father wanted to get back to watching the news about saddam. hey, not that i'm complaining. after that, i went back and holed up in my room, where i backed up files and browsed everything2 for hours [although the damn thing won't let me login, or re-register]. at seven, locke came and picked me up, after which we headed over to his house. we watched the first half of hackers, before getting distracted. eventually locke stopped the dvd, we laid around for a while, argued, talked that over, and watched two episodes of south park before leaving. and now sleep. yay.
i am not happy, not happy at all. since the last blog entry my system has gone down and i've endured more than a few fights. first off, the computer had an error - something to do with a config file missing or corrupted, so i couldn't boot up. i had to borrow an xp disc from locke, as well as use some shitty recovery disc that came with my computer. i got the disc from locke last night, but fell asleep before doing anything with it [more on that later]. today, i worked on it to no avail until i had to go to work. i then enlisted dad to help me out. i came home from work early due to being in extreme pain and so sat down and worked on organizing everything and trying to recover all my data. all email is gone, lost forever, thanks to m$. so that's my project for the next day, reorganizing everything and piecing everything back together. fuck, error from "nt authority/system". computer keeps rebooting. i can't wait until i finally go just with linux.
i can't even recall everything that's gone on since the last blog. it's been frickin' insane these past two days. mom got uber-disgruntled with me yesterday for some reason i don't even know, and told me that she's "had more than i can take. i don't want anything to do with you." thanks, i love you, too, mom. um, we had a huge arguement that i can't fully remember. i think i kind of blocked it out. i was suicidal. mom said i was snotty. she was pissed i was talking to locke. on and on and on. locke came and picked me up, where i slept at his house for a while, then dad called, and i had to come home for a little bit. oh fucking joy. we talked, then i fled back to locke's, where we started to watch a movie. unfortunatly, we had yet another fight about something inane. things erupted, and we left, hurt and irritated with each other. i didn't get home until 2 am. i fell right into bed, rather than try to get the computer working. i laid there under the covers, wanting to die. i didn't have the energy to cut myself, but i ccan't swallow pills, so i laid there and moped, wishing i could swallow pills so that i could overdose. today went slightly better. there were no huge fights. mom and i got in a couple small arguements, but after locke left tonight she came and apoligzed and cried about all the rules that she has imposed, and the double-standards, and how i can't even leave the room without her bitching at me. locke came over today and we got things straightened out. i feel better now.
i hope i can finish this blog before the computer reboots for the third time... screw details. more details when i trust the computer and when i can recall more details.
oh, and i got an email from... journey pierce? something like that? something about religion... because all my email was deleted, i no longer have that email from you, nor can i reply. would you please email me back? i would love to discuss that with you.
hrm. i wonder if dad knows that his site is down? i guess it doesn't matter, anymore, though, as cybercircuit is going shareware now, rather than us making any more money off it.
well, that was pleasant... "i hate that boy. i want to stick a knife is his heart." glad to see my best friend and boyfriend get along so wonderfully.
josh finally proposed to val...
i don't know how much longer i can take this. locke came over [more on that later] and since i had picked him up, obviously i was going to bring him home. oddly enough, josh was leaving at the same time. josh had val's car, and mom wanted him to drive locke home rather than me driving locke home. what the hell? she said they lived right near each other. well, they live in the same damn town, that's about it. they don't live near each other. when it became obvious that wasn't going to work, mom demanded that val ride with me and locke. i have no idea why. val rode with josh, though, until after i dropped locke off. she then rode back home with me. we stopped at sa so that we could have food to eat. coming back home was a mistake.
val ran straight upstairs to my room while i lingered in the kitchen, attempting to find something to eat that mom wouldn't bitch about for 15 minutes. while i was down there, she launched into a huge tirade about how locke was not manly enough, that he was weak, that since he was the man he was the one that should be picking me up. she mentioned how he was sullen [well, they hate each other. what do you expect?]. she brought up her asinine thoughts that if he cared about me at all, he would be concerned about my safety, and thus, not let me drive. "if locke's car broke down, he'd be fine. but you're naive. what if you got abducted?" great. let's drag dru into this, now. all right, dru used to live in the same town, locke graduated with her, and she was abducted in grand forks. let us also look at the odds. how many people get abducted every year vs. those that don't get abducted? hrm, what's the majority? realistically, my odds are small. this doesn't mean i won't be careful, it's just that i'm not uber-paranoid. i got frustrated and went upstairs shortly after. this did not stop her. five minutes later she was up in my room, and in front of val, we rehashed our entire fight. poor val, that had to be uncomfortable. we can't even agree to disagree, we're so at odds with each other. i take offense at everything that she says about my boyfriend, especially when she resorts to sexist comments. how the fuck is it not manly if he rides with me? and this isn't just about me driving at night. no, no no. i asked her if it would be different if it was 4 pm, or if it was the morning. nope. "he's the man, it's his duty. he's supposed to be strong, he's the one that should be driving."
oh, and let's not forget her eyeing everything in my room. first off she noticed the small pile of clothing on my room. in this pile was some underwear/bras. mom freaked and told me i should be ashamed of myself. i was tempted to reply with a smart-ass comment ["what, you think he's never seen them before?"] but rather, went with the short but sweet, "he was at the computer. i'm pretty sure he wasn't ogling them." she also decided that i should move my computers to the other side of the room. why? because it's going to start a fire! yes, yes, this makes sense: one side of the room is a fire-hazard, but the other isn't. good logic there. she found fault with everything and slowly moved around the room, picking stuff up. so, lucky me, i need to clean my room tonight and make sure everything is well hidden. the dream herb i got from locke will stay in my backpack [hey, it's totally legal...] just to be on the safe side. i wish i could fit more in my backpack. i need to hide everything from her. maybe i'll place locke's christmas present in my backpack, too, because mom would not be happy with me if she ever saw it. i just want to pack up and leave this hell-hole.
i don't bow down to her god. i wonder if i ever will again. probably not; if nothing else, she's ruined me on catholicism forever. i don't want to grow up and end up like her.
ah, i mentioned earlier that locke was over for a few hours. he was attempting to get the network going between my xp and my mandrake box. it's not going the greatest. that, and we did have a little tiff while he was over here. all is [i believe] better between us now, however. locke was hungry earlier and so we made a pizza. mom was pissed about that, and made her displeasure quite obvious. then we had chips and salsa. oh, look, carbs. just because mom is cutting back to 30 carbs a day doesn't mean i'm going to. i don't need to go on a diet.
as pathetic as this sounds, it's time for me to start looking at another layout. i don't know why, but i'm not too happy with this one. mom also has a new rule: no eating after 8 pm. that just means i'll go hide out in my room and eat my stash of food. no big deal... ha, i love this quote from the dnrc newsletter:
If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible, and that's a loophole that the DNRC should exploit, especially during the holiday season.
anyway. class was a waste of my time today, as all we did was watch half of "the glass menagerie". the mother in the play reminds me way too much of mom. it's scary and annoying as hell. anyway, around two i went over to locke's, because i felt guilty and plus, i would rather be with him at that moment. i was still feeling suicidal. the past day or so hasn't been too much fun, emotionally. last night it took me so long to finally fall asleep. see, i can hold back my emotions and view them from a distance, which is what i normally do when i am at home. i pull myself away. well, the stronger the emotion, the harder and more exhausting it is to keep it up. last night i could only do it for 15 minutes. when i finally gave up, i was so tired from trying to keep it all in check that i fell asleep soon after. anyway. i don't fully remember what i did at locke's, as i was still so tired. i did fall asleep for about an hour and a half, i do recall. i wanted to just lay there by him forever, it was so comfortable. i do feel awful about one thing, though, which i desperately need to change. i never do tell locke how much i care for him or how much he means to me. i do care so much about him. it's just hard for me now, which is just plain stupid. but that's another story, and it doesn't matter now. after i woke up, i was starving and locke made us both pasta for dinner. after that, i was still slightly hungry, which seemed to surprise him. so, we had chips, cheese, and salsa. danny, one of my uncles, wants me to design a webpage for him. he's even insisting on paying me. good thing, too, because i need money. my check does not even cover what i owe my parents this month, let alone my cell phone bill. i guess mom didn't want him to pay me, but he wants to, so hey, great. but yeah. after leaving locke's house tonight, i feel better. i don't feel suicidal right now, nor do i feel as depressed as i did earlier.
i'm somewhere between screaming and crying right now. and i don't like this layout. fuck. and i'm sick to hell of people [well, not locke]. mom won't even let me eat a bagel because of how many calories there are in it, what the hell. and val just lays on my floor, turns on the tv, and cranks up the volume. the tv is hellishly loud for me, normal for her. she's watching mindless drivel. before, something about carmen electra. kid rock. now a sitcom. i hate mandrake. i hate xp. i hate computers, i hate people, i hate bella kitty. i want everyone but locke to leave me the fuck alone. i want to just leave the damn house and escape from this. i was fine earlier today, and then i came home. i come home and it's like i'm either emotionally dead or fucking going insane from stress or frustration. val begged me to come visit her at work today. i had just gotten home. did i? i declined, she begged, i felt bad, i went. i hate myself. i look ugly in glasses. i was fucking suicidal for a few hours. i feel lost. this is awkward for me at home, what with mom and her uber-religiousity. even val thinks i'm more religious than i am. i have lost faith in so many things. christianity still has the fear-factor on me, though, if nothing else. i am worthless. i am typing mindlessly, just typing, not thinking. stream-of-consciousness blog. i don't know what to think about religion anymore. i don't know what i believe anymore. i know i don't/not/won't follow christianity, but i'm scared. the whole threat of hell still looms over me, and it will for a long while. damn tv. let's break all of the idiot boxes. there is little that is worthwhile on those damn asinine boxes. i hate computers, i hate microsoft, i hate samba, damn drakwizard. val asked what time it was, and wished it was later so that she could go to bed. what the fuck, go now. i need to learn how to tell her to go away. i have a hard time with that, though. the only people i can do that to are mom and other people i dislike. earlier today i wished that i could swallow pills so that i could overdose. much cleaner than slitting wrists, you know. driving to breezy to visit val i felt so numb, so dead. i could have driven into a tree or building just as easily as following the road. i don't know why i didn't. maybe on some level i thought there was something to live for. i'm sure there's something. i have zero self-esteem. is it all right if i use mom as the scapegoat on that one? all my life, wanting me to be uber-skinny. she was happy when i was 10, when i had no hips. she was so proud of me for not having hips. back then, with no hips, skinny, and long [permed] hair, she was happy with me and said i was pretty. now that i am in double-digits when it comes to weight, have hips, and have short chopped hair, all she wants is to change me. oh good, val went to bed finally. maybe i won't go deaf. i need to calm down.
argh. i was going to stay downstairs and talk to dad for a little while, but mom is on the phone, laughing, and i quickly got a headache. she has an obnoxiously loud laugh. i sent my alarm this morning to go off at 8:00. at least, i thought i did. instead, it went off at 9:00, and i had to be at locke's at 9:30. i took an uber-quick shower, got ready, and was out of the house at 9:20. yay. so i picked him up, dropped him off at the college, and made a run to the library. i then hung out with dawn until locke showed up after class, where i gave him my keys. we did a little work on his paper, then he headed back to class. at 1:00, i went to fitness, and ended up getting out early. locke had the saturn, so i ended up waiting around for half an hour. after that we headed back into town so that i could pick up my new glasses. it's been about four years since i've worn glasses, so this is going to be kind of odd. i like `em. i hope locke does. after that [and locke sending out a bunch of textmessages to val, kyle and jimmy, we headed back over to his place, where he made me tea [that was very excellent]. we also watched an anime, the name of which slips my mind for the moment. but yeah... how's the new layout? i find it ironic, considering my current mode of thinking on christianity...
quick-ass blog to get this out of the way. i'm busy working on a new layout that should be finished within a day or two. locke and blayne may have a heart attack upon first viewing it, but it shouldn't be taken as first glance seems to show. there's an irony to it. i know this doesn't make sense, but wait a day or two and you'll know what i mean.
today was fairly uneventful. mass today - holy day. i guess the holy day we celebrated was the conception of mary. september 8th is also a holy day - mary's birthday [and yours truly's].
tomorrow i have to wake up an hour earlier than normal and pick locke up. i'm entrusting him with my keys while i'm in class, which says a lot. i don't like people driving my car.
it's been a fairly good day. now, i'm typing this up without being able to fully see, so if there's a lot of typos, i'm sorry. i pretty much avoided mom tonight. the only times i saw her was when we went to mass and when i came down to eat. after mass i fell asleep for a few hours. locke called, waking me up, and we talked for a little bit. i went back to sleep for a few hours, then awoke to chat on irc with him and to go make myself a salad. i'm still hurting over the fact that she called me fat. val was outraged by the fact that mom did that, even going so far as to call her a bitch. wow. locke, too, had a little write up in his blog about that. yeah, sure i'm pregnant, mom. too bad i'm a virgin. anyway. at seven, locke picked me and we went over to his house. i read over a few of his papers and then we relaxed. well, we wrestled for a while, which was a lot of fun. even though at the end i was hot and slightly sweaty. now i'm just upstairs relaxing and chatting with val about yesterday. we both remembered locke's comment about the face steamer: "revlon makes blenders now?"
hrm, i did have a long blog planned about my thoughts as of late on religion, specifically christianity, but that can wait until tomorrow or so.
a humiliating end to an excellent night. mom called me down so that she could have a little chat with me. after ascertaining that i was not, in fact, pregnant, she decided that i was fat and that i need to go on a diet. that woman does wonders for my self-esteem.
but anyway, the dinner went well, though the beginning had more than it's share of minor mishaps. val and i forgot to put out silverware, napkins... it took us a second to remember to get us all drinks... on the whole, however, i think it went quite well. we had both cheese and beef ravioli, with garden salad for josh and caesar salad for the rest of us. for dessert, we had oreo dessert and lover's knots. the preparation for the entire meal went pretty much stress-free, except for the incident with the lover's knots. val and i decided to make a few test ones, so we tried to deep-fry them. well, mom wanted to help, and told us that if you sprinkled water over, we could tell if it was hot enough. val grabbed the holy water. from where i stood, it looked like the holy water fricking exploded out of the pot. we all screeched and bella flew halfway across the room in terror. it was decided it was hot enough, so we put four pieces of knotted dough in the pot. they instantly turned black on the outside, but the inside was still doughy. hrm. well, mom wanted to interfere some more. she stuck a thermomenter in the pot, and we watched as the red line slowly rose. turning to me, val asked, "what happens if it's too hot?" "it goes boom." well, you know what? that is what happens. no more thermomenter. we threw it away and the contents of the pan for fear of mercury poisoning.
val and i cleaned like mad before the boys came over, trying to get everything look decent. i finally dumped the wine i had sitting in my room. that was interesting. i dumped an inch or so worth of listerine in the little cup to get the wine smell out. well, that worked, but the entire bathroom reeked of listerine and wine. if anyone was to ask, we would just claim it was body spray. imagine, wine-scented bodyspray! anyway. i'm really babbling right now. i'm only half-awake. after dinner, the four of us tramped upstairs and settled on the couch to watch two movies: may and white oleander. i almost fell asleep during the second movie, not because it was bad, but because i was so relaxed. locke is so comfy. that, and he was stroking my hair, which always has an uber-relaxing affect on me anyway.
before we did make dinner today, we made a run into town so that i could finish buying presents. i was going to spend twice as much on locke, but val wouldn't let me. so, i ended up buying him only one thing rather than the two i wanted to. i really hope he likes it.
after i logged off irc last night, i got to thinking about the whole computer incident. locke had been pretty close in his intrepretaion. i am kind of scared to have people see who i really am. i know i can say or do anything with val, and she won't judge me harshly. the whole thing with locke, whether irrational or not, is that i'm scared he'll hate me if he sees what i normally hide from almost all people. speaking of locke, i had a nightmare about him last night. i don't remember exactly what happened, however, and that's kind of bothering me now. anyway. it's been a really strange day, emotion-wise. this morning getting dressed i almost broke down in tears, for reasons i still don't know. and, um, i've noticed something decidely not healthy. i avoid looking into mirrors. but on a better note, class and work went all right. my lit teacher made sure to assure us that he was not "advocating mass murder in this class. that could make it hard for [his] career in the future." gotta love some of the conversations in that class. kyle came in, freshly shaven. i think i prefer kyle without a beard, as would most girls. we chatted for a while then he took off after an hour or two. val's josh text-messaged me - things about val and i, and our hot wild lesbian sex. strange boy. after work val and i headed off to brainerd so that we could finish buying groceries for the dinner tomorrow and paper and glitter for josh's christmas present. oh, and we bought a christmas present for the guys. we laughed pretty hard. tomorrow we still have to bake, cook, decorate the christmas tree, and make a run into town still. hrm, i had something i was going to say, but for some reason i can't recall it anymore. ah well, must not be as important as i thought.
i have to work tonight, but i'm trying to put off going there until the very last minute. i never feel like working anymore. i'm not just saying that because i'm lazy, either. i wish i had something scintillating to say, but that's never the case. i'm nervous about locke coming over and making small talk with my mom. i don't like events i have no control over.
frightingly, this comic sounds kind of like me... or something...
argh. i've been stressed, frustrated, and paranoid. plus i'm thinking i've gained weight, which makes me none too happy. anyway. do you ever have those days where you just feel like you're not up to handling people at all? it was one of those days for me. class was all right, nothing special. i booked out of there as fast as i could, then headed home. mom called me when i got back, all excited about some zinc tablets that she had found. she's decided that i need more zinc in my diet. to be honest, they actually taste kind of good. anyway. i don't know why, but i've been so stressed and frustrated. damn southwest state university isn't helping matters, either. i keep sending them money, but they only send clc half my transcript. damn that college. i may call them tomorrow if i have time. locke called, and minutes after i got off the phone with him, i was dead-asleep. val called once while i was sleeping, then a few minutes later locke pulled into the driveway. good thing she had called, because if i still wasn't somewhat awake, i would never have heard that or him at the door. coming upstairs, he turned on the tv and the nintendo. i collapsed on a body pillow next to him. i didn't feel like talking. i wanted to sleep. i ended up feeling guilty about that, but i was also kind of pissy [which i haven't the faintest idea why]. we decided to go for a walk before popping in a movie. i seriously should not have been with people today. i'm feeling a little bad about it now. i was a bit of a bitch tonight [when i wasn't sitting there fucking moping]. on and off throughout the walk i grew silent, or irritable, etc. then when we got back, i became even more frustrated - this time with locke. he had looked something up online, then was still sitting in the chair. he clicked a few icons on my desktop. this both worried and angered me. i have private stuff in certain files, things i'm not ready to let other people read now. if ever. and locke just clicking around struck me as a blatant disregard for my privacy. this was, after all, my computer. and i don't like people using my computer. i've let josh use it to check his email, and val to do the same, and that is pretty much the extent of it. i don't let people look at other files. i don't know, it just bothered me. i didn't understand how to explain it to him, either, so i just became even more frustrated. we were going to watch the matrix, and locke went and shut the door then laid down on the bed. i sat there, remembering and weighing my options. i finally went and opened the door, knowing that if mom found the door closed, i would be bitched at for a long while. same with the bed. mom had told me earlier not to even lie on the bed with locke anymore [this was explained in an earlier blog, if i recall correctly]. needless to say, i was paranoid the entire time that i was on the bed. and, just like last time we watched a movie at my house, it didn't get watched. we talked. he made me laugh. he made me irritated. confused. frustrated. laugh. repeat cycle. ugh, even now i don't know why i'm in this mood. it bothers me. it almost seems to be getting worse every day. and that's what i'm afraid of.
locke and i are standing outside target and some little kid runs past us yelling "get a room!"
anyway. after class got out, i went and met locke in the library, then we both headed out to go get coffee. we lingered over our coffees for a while, talking, then i informed him that i had shopping that i had to do. we first went over to hosanna house, the catholic book store, so that i could buy a present for mom. edy recognized me and helped me in my search for a christmas gift. i think locke offended edy, though, when i asked him for his help in choosing between a book or a medal. he said that depended on whether mom was materialistic or not. edy assured him that mom was not. i ended up settling on a book entitled triumph: the power and the glory of the catholic church that she recommended. great, more misinformation to poison mom's brain and make her feel smug that her predjudice is warranted. afterwards, we headed out to target, so that i could get val's presents out of the way, though i'm not sure i'm done with her yet. i got her a purse that she wanted, as well as the default cd she's coveted since the concert. locke and i wandered around office max looking for a gift for a dad, but i have no idea what to get him. ditto with locke. i did have an idea, but it's expensive and i'm not sure if i can find it.
dad asked me if i've been reading the books that i ordered. i told him that i had, that i was enjoying them. he told me that was good, but "don't try it." ...okay, dad...
ugh. i didn't sleep last night again, so i'm still worn out. as soon as val comes home, we have to flip through the cookbook looking for a suitable meal for the guys. but for now, i'm going to relax and have a chai.
...somedays i feel bad for locke. like, last night, when i was so depressed and i vented on him. i do that alot. i fear that at some point, it's just going to get to be too much for him.
mindlessly surfing, i came across a fundementalist christian site that rated movies. looking for a laugh, i clicked on a few reviews, and started off reading about matrix reloaded. the movie said that "after sex conversation while nude" was a sin. hrm, right, okay. oh, and it mentioned the "hate-sounding techno style."
argh. val decided to dye her hair an odd purplish shade, and blow-dryed it in my room. about three seconds into that, everything went black. shut down. the fuse had been blown. we've now learned that blow-drying in phoenix's room is off-limits. coming up the stairs, i also discoverd that mom had been in my room, which severely pissed me off. she was in my closet, my bathroom, my computer desk [which was the worst offense, in my eyes]. some stuff thrown out, some reorganized, who knows what else has been done. do not fucking touch my computers/computer desk. she lied to val about throwing some of my stuff away. mom also found some of val's "purple sheer underwear" and got uber-pissed because she thought it was mine. we also had a small fight about my breezy sweatshirt, which has been missing for a while. mom says val has it, whereas i'm pretty sure mom swiped it from me. it's happened before. locke called shortly after i got home from work. though i didn't mean or want to, i ended up getting frustrated. he wants to talk to mom, and i'm worried about what will happen. he did agree to just go over there and make pleasant conversation, rather than go all out and... yeah. still, that's just yet another stress, no matter what locke promises me. he means well. it's just that i'm scared what will come back to me. she can make my life a living hell, and honestly, i can't deal with that right now. i'll fucking snap. i can usually take locke's comments on that fairly decently, but not today. the past week has been wearing on me. i didn't sleep last night. i'm stressing out so much. i'm just worried about everything. fuck this, though. all i want is the sensation of feeling numb. i want that back. no worries then.
another huge fight. after it was all over, i went to go talk to dad, but i half-sobbed the entire time i was telling him my side of the story. yes, i realize how pathetic i sound. but... she called me a liar, compared me to val, insinuated shit about my boyfriend. i flipped out. to make matters worse, she got angrier at me when i defended locke. she had yelled at me again for having 'blankets' on locke and i while we were watching a movie the other day. truth be told, all the blankets were on the floor, not us. well, she didn't believe me. she was freaking out about it. she then told me i couldn't lay on the bed with locke anymore. "what?" i exploded, then toned my voice down: "travis and i always laid there and watched movies. why can't locke and i do the same?" bitterly, she retorted, "because locke does stuff! and travis never did." oh, sure, locke is just a damn pervert and travis was such a little angel that was oh-so-respectful of me. fuck that. and mom wonders why i'm so stressed out all the time. hrm, perhaps it's because she belittles me and the people that i care about. right now i'm listening to val bitch to josh on the phone. he was a jackass tonight to her. now she's yelling at him because he said he hated vegetarians, he thinks that they're "stupid". but yeah, long story short, josh is a complete and utter bastard to her. yeah, let's just kill him off.. whoa, "i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you." think val is just a bit upset?
getting off of that topic... val dictated my computer usage for the past 45 minutes or so. she just discovered the wonder that is ebay, and made me look for shoes for her. and we bid on a pink knife for her. when i wasn't at home, though, it's been a fairly decent day. class isn't even worth mentioning, it's so pointless. after comp i met up with locke, to help him work on some papers he has due for comp. it's quite obvious that the boy is not an english major. [i say this lightly, not as a critique]. he seemed amazed that there are two spaces after a period, not one. and i'm pretty sure that "questor" is not an actual word. his paper on satanism took a lot. sadly, i asked him if it was a first draft. he scrolled up and pointed to two words at the top of the paper: final draft. oops. i think we did make some progress on that, though. i hope he gets a good grade on it. after, we made a run over to his house and searched for food in vain. instead, we made a run to nfk, where we bought cheddar cheese jalepeno poppers and a cheese pizza. that, and in addition we ate chips and salsa. holy food. we ate, and i fell over on the couch, and laid there, half asleep. i was so tired. locke dragged out the digital camera his dad bought the other day and took photos of me, lying prone on the couch. on a side-note, i do not have bearded ears. i will never have bearded ears. [long story... but it was funny... damn fuzzy phoenix ears.] he ended up taking a little video of me, which was kind of cute. except for the part where he zoomed in on my chest, but that just made me laugh. i'm going to sound sappy for a second, so bear with me: it was so adorable where in part of the video, locke held the camera in one hand, entered the frame, and pointed it at us. he then kissed me. i just thought it was so cute watching that. we both turned and looked at the camera. aw, i wish i had a photo of that. but locke let me take some pictures of him. fair revenge for all the ones of me. anyway. tomorrow i work, and i have an eye appointment. yay for contacts and new glasses.
argh, i'm still just upset about the arguement with mom earlier. she left off our 'discussion' with a little threat. i don't think she's willing to accept me for who i am. guess i better not wear the black nail polish, or buy combat boots, or read certain books around her. dad told me it will be good when i go away to college. then i can be myself, without being on a leash.
today was uber-frustrating, and not just because of the fight with locke [which is sorted out now. yay.]. after abruptly saying goodnight to locke on the phone [okay, it was essentially hanging up on him, only i said "night" a split second before i hung up], i went and laid down on my bed and thought about the whole day. i ended up falling asleep sometime around 6 a.m. i thought about how i was acting and our relationship, and resolved that tomorrow i would go pay a visit to locke. i went as soon as i got out of the shower, knowing that locke would still be asleep. i did it that way so that way he wouldn't be able to flee the house or busy himself some way, so that he'd be able to avoid me and conversation [not that he would, but...]. his mom let me in and then banged on his door, waking him up. the next four hours did not go exactly as planned. we talked very little. he slept a lot. i was getting frustrated after a few hours because i was lying there, next to my snoring boyfriend, and i wanted to talk, not sleep. plus, i had plans. we did not get anything sorted out, really, at that point, but decided to get together later in the evening and talk. when i got home, mom and i argued for a few minutes, then i called val and dad and i headed out to go buy toys for the toys for tots program. as we headed out to pick up val, i bitched to dad about how mom pried into things that weren't her business. dad agreed with me, especially on privacy and what i do with locke is my business, not mom's. anyway, we had so much fun picking out the toys. we spent $150 on misc. toys, and we wandered through the aisles, commenting on and touching almost everything. we bought so much stuff and had so much fun. i came home, ate, and shortly after locke picked me up and we went to the park to talk. it was awkward and uncomfortable for a while, as we were trying to figure out what to say and how to resolve the entire situation. eventually things were sorted out, and i hope that they stay that way. i only want us to be happy. neither of us wants to deal with getting hurt over and over again, nor hurting the other person. but i guess i feel good about this for right now, at any rate. driving home, i was fine, i was good, i was happy. never mind the fact that i slid into a door walking into the house. i laughed it off. then enter mom again. we were arguing about something inane when in walks val. mom and i finished our bitch session a few minutes later, and i walked as fast as possible to my room, to go talk to val about my night.
i have become re-obsessed with "she's leaving home" by the beatles. i think it just sort of sums up my feelings about home and living here, etc.
i am not a fucking idiot. i'm getting so sick of being treated/talked about like i am.