an 18-year-old minnesotan was arrested on charges of creating and releasing a version of the "blaster" virus.  good to see that i'm not the only person who thought it was blayne for a second.  jimmy said his first reaction to hearing that was, "oh shit!  they caught blayne!"  tyler was telling me how his mom said that i should date him.  that is frickin' hilarious...  anyway, i never did get the chance to talk to travis about where we stand.  first off, nothing happened last night, and second of all, i fell asleep.  i swear, no more movies; i always fall asleep during them.  before the movie, though, i happened to glance at his monitor and saw that jme was on irc.  i freaked and leaned over travis, attempting to wrestle the keyboard away from him so that i could talk to her.  for every message i got out, he typed three or so, probably further confusing poor jme.  for a few minutes he let me have the keyboard to myself.  not much later he grabbed back the keyboard, however, and proceeded to piss off blayne [as well as jme and i... btw, her two comments have been removed from the following]:

< r4in > #quote-something-worth-a-damn ...
< Blayne > hah.
< r4in > =D
< Blayne > fuck off?
< Blayne > !
< r4in > !!
< r4in > Eat shit and die or fuck off at least?
< r4in > =D
*r4in has noticed that Blayne has said nothing remotely friendly to me in a while.....
< Blayne > 'friendly' doesn't mean shit.
< r4in > Neither does fuck off.
< Blayne > that's right.
< r4in > So is that.
< r4in > Kind of started to make me wonder...

what do you do when your desires and faith conflict?  granted, i am not the strongest catholic, but i do have guilt and the fear of hell riding on me.  on one hand, you only live once.  on the other, you burn in hell for eternity.  i wish i was atheist or agnostic...  erm, anyway, travis seems to have no qualms about this.  he's dying to.  i, however, am still unsure about it.  and, thing is, we're not even dating.  ...i need to talk to him tonight...

i didn't think it'd be so hard to say no.

i feel blessed to be able to call the guys my friends.  i went over to andy's house tonight, where it was me, josh, andy, jimmy, jake, kyle, dustin, tyler, sarah, and brooke.  sarah and brooke sat upstairs watching t.v., though.  which was nice for me, as it's harder for me for some reason to interact with girls.  hrm.  anyway, i came back from breezy with a 24-pack of dr. pepper for the guys sometime tonight and stayed `til a little after one.  i bs-ed a bit with `em, then convinced tyler to go for a walk with me.  we went for a short walk and talked, which was nice, actually.  when we got back, josh and andy were having a wrestling match.  i laughed so hard i almost peed.  it was great...  afterwards, tyler and i borrowed sarah's car and went for a drive, further discussing matters that needed to be explain more in depth than the time alloted for the walk allowed.  i'm going back there tomorrow before work... maybe after work, i'm not sure.  i'm supposed to get together with travis, and i don't know how fond he would be of stopping over there.

but yeah, i stopped by work before going over to see the guys, so that i could get gas and chat a bit with ryan and trent.  those guys are great.  i don't know why everyone thinks it's fun to pick me up, though [though i will admit - i enjoy it!].  the three of us were talking, when trent dipped his hand into the ice that surrounded the pepsi bottles.  i told him that if he flicked ice at me, he was going down.  so, of course, what did he proceed to do [after ryan dropped ice down my shirt, of course]?  that's right, flick ice at phoenix.  i took off running after him, but that did no good as he stopped suddenly, so i ran right into his back.  he turned around and picked me up and paraded around the store.  i can only imagine how that is going to look on camera.  he finally set me down and i walked off to go talk to ryan, who at this point was mopping the cafe.  being phoenix, i got in the way and ryan was trying to move around me.  i didn't have the chance to move, however, as trent picked me up, once again throwing me over his shoulder.  he then proceeded to spin me around the room, making me fear that my clogs would fly off and damage some merchandise.  it was fun, though; we were both laughing.  before i left, i bought a 24-pack of dr. pepper and trent brought it out to my car - hey, he offered.  thing is, he said that he bet us that he could carry that on one shoulder and me on the other.  i doubted it.  he quickly proved me wrong, much to my surprise.  he walked inside, pop on one shoulder, me on the other, and ryan took one look then burst out laughing.  after i got set back on the ground, ryan attempted to be stern:  "you are dangerous!  and you encourage him!"  on some level, ryan meant it, but found it too funny to really say anything.

hrm, so today is turning out kind of like yesterday, at least in regards to the early morning.  both days i almost fell asleep in calc.  but, yay, only 135 more hours to go in that class and i'm done forever.  both mornings, too, i was still not very awake and reached for one of the bottles on my desk.  now, my lotion and get are in very similar bottles.  i squirted the lotion into my hand, and only when it almost reached my hair did i realize that i had grabbed the wrong bottle.  anyway, i was flipping through my lit book when this question jumped out at me from the pages:  why does phoenix talk to herself?  blink.  pause.  ponder.  it took me a second, but then i remembered that phoenix was a character in one of eudora welty's stories.

i got to see garland's apartment today, and it's great.  huge.  two bedrooms, large living room and bathroom, a loft.  the only thing is, she lives with four other people:  two guys and two other girls.  i can't imagine doing that.  i would kill someone or they would kill me.

blayne and i talked last night, but it didn't exactly go the way i hoped.  our chat quickly dissipated into less than stellar conversation:

blayne: fuck you.
blayne: quit whining and do something.
phoenix: i am not whining
blayne: whiney blogs seriously piss me off.
phoenix: fuck you

trent claims that the most interesting shifts are when ryan and i work together.  that may or may not be true, but we would win most-perverted shift hands down.  the problem with working with ryan is that we get along too well - we got out a little late tonight because we didn't start to do anything until nine, as we were busy talking the entire time.  he was asking me questions about girls tonight, and after a while quit, because i think he just plain didn't want to know the answers anymore.  girls can be cruel and harsh, he discovered.  he was surprised when he heard me use the terms "arm-candy" and "jailbait".  he's never heard "arm-candy" before, and said that he's never heard a girl use the term "jailbait" before.  tonight, he was also reading maxim.  hrm.  that magazine is pretty pathetic, believe you me [yes, i was looking over his shoulder]:  topless women with their hands over about half of their breasts, "cheap tricks", which was things to say to get a girl to give you a blow job ["honey, giving me head will bring us closer"].  and so on.  you get the idea.  a magazine of half-naked girls and tips on how to get laid.  we were laughing at something in one of the "articles" when i happened to glance up.  oh, look, it's one of mom's church friends.  and some guy and i are reading maxim.  we shoved that to the side pretty quickly and i hope that she didn't notice.  anyway, we talked way too much tonight and come nine o'clock, we realized that nothing had been done.  he started mopping and cleaning bathrooms, and i counted down the tills, lottery, safe, pull-tabs, and gas.  trent came in and harassed us for a few before we finally locked the door on him, as it was 10, and we hadn't finished mopping or dumping coffee.  well, we both mopped, getting it done in about five minutes which is insane.  we then went to dump coffees.  i grabbed two of the pots and started to walk away when i realized that ryan was holding the little... um... words fail me, water-squirter-thing [i have a large vocabulary...] with a grin on his face:

me: ryan, don't you dare.
ryan: ah, c'mon.
me: no, i'm serious.  i swear i'll hurt you if...
ryan: you'll hurt me?
me: well.  i'd try.  but no, don't.  i'm wearing a white shirt.
ryan: heh, i know; that's why it's so tempting.
me: i'll kill you if you do.  how would i explain my shirt being soaked - a white shirt at that... plus i may run over to josh's real quick, and...
ryan: and you'd be all nipply besides!
me: um, yes.

i am really light-headed and my vision is shifting somewhat.  and yet i'm blogging, rather than lying down or doing something intelligent to prevent fainting.  that can't be smart.  speaking of smart, that reminds me.  we all know how i feel about math, and that i'm of the opinion that perhaps i am just not intelligent enough to do high math.  dad disagrees with me quite strongly on this, and tells me that i'm more intelligent than him when he comes to math - perhaps he is more patient, but i have the ability and the intellect.  ha.  i doubt this.  i'll never be that smart.

i was going through my old yearbooks today.  that was, um, interesting.  there's ellie, my closest friend in 7th grade [she also happened to be atheist - at a catholic school].  there was allie, who i bit once because she hid my shoes.  she got revenge, though - she clawed my arm up.  then there's mark, who had cancer - the teacher seperated us so that we couldn't talk anymore.  pity.  then there's craig.  i still miss craig - i guess he was the head of the math team this year... and molly, she was valedictorian.

what's his name, perry?  percy?  the guy that harassed travis and i when we were looking at vibes months ago.  anyway, i guess he lives in breezy.  oh, joy.  he recognized me at the gas station and attempted to make small talk.  sigh.

so i guess i'm related to one of the breezy cops.  dan is my... third cousin, i believe.  his mom is my mom's cousin.  that's just so funny, inasmuch that dan comes in every night and chats with us for a while.  i gotta tell him this tomorrow night when i'm working.

lit is perhaps one of my stranger classes that i have taken.  so far we have only read two pieces of literature, but the two pieces happened to be a "horny poem" and a short story about a necrophiliac that murders her lover.  of course, the book had this to say about the story:  "...miss emily and her necrophilia become a symbol of the old south."  but of course.

i'm not really meeting any people in class, but i'm trying to not let that bother me at all.  after all, it took a while last year, too.  but i didn't really talk to anyone today.  i said hi to jesse, and talked to garland and carrie for a few, but that was it.  i have to write an essay comp which is due on my birthday.  it can be about any topic, it just has to be a cause or effect paper.  i'm thinking [since i'm not allowed to write about anything controversial] that i'll do it on the "open source revolution".  blah, i have calc homework again tonight that i should attempt to get to.  i hate math.

it's scary.  i am such my mother's daughter, i've noticed, in certain things.  this may not be good at all.  granted, in most all personality aspects, we are polar opposites.  she is much more outspoken, slightly more extroverted, technology-wise we have nothing in common, blah blah blah.  my point is wandering.  what i meant to say that though we are extremely opposite, there's been a few events in our life that have been almost completely the same.  more than that, though, is the topic of religion.  granted, i'm a luke-warm catholic, but i still believe in most of it [though i disagree with a lot - particuarly the church's stance on homosexuals].  actually, all right, this still isn't right.  when it comes to the teachings, i am more likely to side with dad.  i don't believe in creation, or that every word in the bible is correct.  no, where i am most like my mom is when it comes to the actual mass itself.  as much as i am loathe to admit it, i don't like vatican II.  i wish that there were latin masses around here.  i hate how it seems that priests are not reverent during the mass - there is a time for joking, and it is not during mass.  i hate how the musicians are right up by the altar, and how after mass people clap for them.  this is mass, do not clap.  then there's hand-shaking, which i probably just hate due to my personality.  i don't want to shake hands and wish random strangers peace.  there's something just plain wrong with that, in my opionion.  i don't want to touch a person i don't know.  i don't want their germs on me.  then again, i am anti-happy-touchy-feely.  i hate all of that, i'm not one for going around the room talking about myself and my hobbies, and touching other people, and... ugh!

some people, i've noticed, have the personality where they will either make millions... or end up in jail...

that about sums up my mood tonight.

anyway.  i've been up for about 30 hours, give or take, so far.  i don't know why, but i was unable to sleep last night, and i hope that doesn't happen again tonight.  i feel fine still, but... i don't think i can take another day of classes like that.  during the three hours josh and i had off, we went out to eat, stopped at best buy so he could purchase the second lord of the rings and then meandered back to campus, just doing whatever in the computer lab.  highly exciting.  anyway, i'm in a bit of a pissy mood, but i'm not sure why.  it probably relates to work.  i attempted to do my calc homework there, but i'm too stupid to do it without help.  i did half or so, then when i got home i had to ask dad for help on the other problems.  and if i ever work with bruce again, i swear i will bawl.  it's not that he's not a nice guy - he is - but he has only worked a few night shifts.  ah, great, let's pair him up with the new girl!  not smart at all.  i wonder how much we forgot to do tonight?  i hope i closed the tills out correctly, as i had to do it by myself, as he had not a clue how to do it.  oh, we had a drive-off, too.  that's the second or third one on my shift.  gah.  ryan stopped into work tonight and we chatted for a bit.  at least that relieved the monotony for a little while.  i'll work with him thursday and saturday, which will rock.  work is fun when i work with him.  anyway, i guess all but one of his friends are now in jail.  sad.

shoot.  me.  now.  blah, i think it's just my mood.  college isn't that bad [well, obviously] but it's not like, oh, yay, college!  i mean, there's nothing new and exciting to this.  hrm, maybe in bemidji.  but... whoa, i got off topic, there.  i don't want to go to calc tomorrow.  or comp.  lit will be all right.  gah, i told myself i wouldn't be like this, this year!

"this poem isn't particularly deep:  basically, it's a horny poem."  intro to lit is simply gonna rock with a teacher like that.

i had to make a run into town to buy yet another expensive calculator - and floppies.  honestly, who uses floppies anymore?  blah.  so let's see, i have calc and fitness tomorrow - and three hours between the two.  no clue what fitness is going to be like.  the course description reads:

This is a course for students of all ages to teach the facts about exercise and physical fitness. The focus is on self-evaluation and personal program planning. Exercise quackery, guidelines for exercise and the health benefits of exercise will be discussed. Other topics such as nutrition, stress management, and life styles for healthy living are also covered.

well, finally.  my aunt debbie and her boyfriend karl are finally going to get married - after 24 years of dating.  ah... i think i forgot to mention that jon had his baby, too:  a boy - kade.  i can't believe jon is only 18 and is married with a kid.  that's crazy.

i started classes back up today, which wasn't too bad.  i only had calc, intro to lit, and comp 2 today.  all three of the teachers seem decent enough so far.  anyway, it was really odd walking into the college and seeing so many people from high school.  i wasn't sure i liked it.  i saw cody and one of his friends, buck, larry [he was lost and i had to show him his class], garland [ditto], and josh [we talked inbetween classes].  i also ran into jesse [we talked for a few], carrie [ditto], judd, and mike.  mike's an odd one.  he asked where i was last semester, and also told me that he had asked a ton of people where i was and no one knew.  he missed me.  oh...  "you look really nice...!"  "ah, erm, thank you."  there's no one real great in my classes, but i do have someone i know in each class.  in calc, there's tom and someone else who's name i forget, nicole is in my intro to lit, and kiera and marissa are in my comp.  i have fitness for life tomorrow, so let's see how that goes.

i called jme today - it was the first time we've talked on the phone for a year.  she's got a weird southern/alabaman accent which she vehemently denies having.  it's funny, she answered the phone and for a split second i thought i was talking to jello as they sound the same on the phone.

so blayne and i talked... maybe for the final time.  it was almost... it was almost like breaking up, is what it struck me as.  he talked of why it is that he is distancing himself from me.  it makes sense, really.  i'm not saying i'm over-joyed at this, but there is nothing i can really do.  well, i could maybe shut travis out of my life, but that is not going to happen.  i don't know, it's hard to explain our last chat.  but, goodbye, blayne.

travis just left a little while ago.  he came over to borrow my "crash and burn" sheet music, but ended up staying for a while.  i also loaned him the "yourself or someone like you" book.  i don't know if it'll help him learn the notes any, but hey - it's worth a shot, right?  problem is, i'm not sure how well i can explain all of this to him.  i mean, sure, i've been trained in music somewhat, but - when was the last time i really played anything?  how do you explain why you use sixteenth notes, and why you use all the different rests...  i can't.  but i try.

i am so obsessed with "beautiful" by garbage.  oh, this song just plain kicks ass.  i love it.

so classes start tomorrow, and i'm actually a little bit excited for college this year.  i may not actually like the classes that i have to take, but it's worth it, as this is going for my aa degree, which in turn will make getting the bachelors a little easier, as i won't have to deal with some of the inanities.  phy ed classes would be a good example of that, i guess.  i finally made a run into town today and got all the crap i need [notebook, pencils for calc, pens...].  now to just shove it in the bag, and all is well.  i now have to start getting up at 7 a.m. every day.  that's gonna suck.

i could stand to be a bit more mature.  i'm retaliating against blayne's anger [i'm hurt and angry that he's hurt and angry] in a bad way:  blogging stuff i shouldn't blog.  i `spose it could be worse - i could blog all kinds of details.  it's bad enough as it is right now, though.  i need to stop making it worse.

i just got back from travis'... about 15 minutes ago.  he picked me up at about 12:30, and we went over to his house.  we did watch fight club for a bit, but then got bored with it.  i don't know, it was a good night.  i'm dead-tired, though, and i need sleep.  one of these days, however, i need to figure out where we stand...

blayne is still angry, and i feel bad about it.  i truely do.  it probably has to do something with a blog entry [i'm almost positive about that - and which entry] but it's the truth.  even though it depresses me to say so.

Slow dancing
On the boulevard
In the quiet moments
While the city's still dark

Sleepwalking through the summer rain
In the tired spaces
You could hear her name

When she was warm and tender and you
Pulled her arms around you
There was nothing but her
Love and affection she was
Crazy for you now she's
Part of something that you lost

(chorus)
And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want to be

Night swimming
In her diamond dress
Making small circles
Move across the surface

Stand watching
From the steady shore
Laying wide open
And waiting for

Something warm and tender while she's
Moving further from you
There was nothing that could
Make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you
That she's walking on

(chorus)

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
Everything that was your world
Just came down
It just came down

Day break on the boulevard
Feel the
Sun warming up your secondhand heart
Light swimming right across your face
You think
Maybe someday
Maybe someday

(chorus)

--"the difference", matchbox twenty

quite the skid marks in front of my driveway, now.  couple cars long, i'd say.  last night, quite frankly, scared me.  i had called travis at one point, 10 or 11 o'clock, and had gone down to s.a. to talk to him, as i was concerned about blayne.  we talked for a bit, then we both went our seperate ways.  a little while later, as i was sitting on irc, blayne began to talk to me again.  he was willing to talk - but it had to be at some lake access [i didn't know where it was, and that seemed to piss him off].  well, it was midnight, i had no idea where that was, so there was no way i was going to go there.  he got angrier, and quit talking for a bit.  well, i got a phone call later, roughly about 1 a.m.  it was blayne, and he was willing to talk - this time on a dirt road.  i called him back and told him that i was unable to go, as my parents would freak if i left the house at this time.  i don't want to get in trouble.  i offered to have him come over here and talk.  he got angry, again, and said that he was going home.  not 10 minutes later, sitting downstairs, i happened to look out the window and see headlights.  they kept on going, so i thought nothing of it, save for:  "oh... i almost thought that was blayne for a second."  the headlights came back.  the car stopped outside my driveway, and... yeah.  that's where the skid marks came from.  blayne then roared off.  i was freaking out, and my first thought was to call travis.  he was at ryan and shawns, drunk, but still we talked for an hour or so - until his phone started to die.  i needed that so bad.  he was only half-awake and drunk, but he was still concerned for me.

i cannot believe that class starts on monday.  i'm actually kind of looking forward to it, though.  oh, i started my search for cars and i think i've at least found the kind of car that i like:  sebring.  ah, josh has a blog now.  yay.

oh, i just remembered this:  last time i worked with aaron, he and i were discussing piercings and tatoos.  he swore that never again would he let the guy in town work on him.  i asked why, and was amazed at the reason...  the guy used to be a veterinarian, but got his license revoked because he did experiments on kittens.  he then went into the tatto/piercing business, but frequently screws up as he does stuff at the wrong angle, and so on.  most of his money comes from his drug deals.

blayne is my friend [though i may not be his], and as such, i will respect his decisions.  i will leave him alone and not talk to him if that's what he really wants.  even though he did tell me to go fuck travis [twice] and leave him be.  wait.  he wants to talk, and though i do want to talk to him... i won't.  not because i'm being a bitch, because i'm being safe.  he wants to meet at a place i don't know, don't know how to get there.  he won't meet me anywhere else.  it's not that i don't care, blayne, it is that i am unsure of this.  i don't want to drive somewhere i don't know at midnight.

it just hit me what a bitch i am.  how unthinking, how uncaring i am.  how ignorant i am of how my actions affect others.

...mp3 list and lyrics [green day, stabbing westward, and smashing pumpkins] updated...

i don't know if you're reading this, blayne, but i hope so.  first off, i did something with my ex-boyfriend [something that was not planned, okay?], and in turn, you get hurt, you get angry, you respond by choosing to never speak to me again.  if you kissed an ex-girlfriend, would i react by choosing to not speak to you any longer?  i certainly hope not.  i value your friendship much more than you realize.  i did not set out to do this just to hurt you or see how you would take it.  it just happened.  maybe it happened because i'm weak and a pathetic human being, i don't know.  in the end, though, what it boils down to is that i deeply care about you.  i love you, same as i love travis, or josh, or val, or jme.  i don't know if you understand, i don't know if you care.  you are not my little plaything.  how dare you even accuse of me of that.  and when i said perhaps there's such a thing as too much honesty, i did not imply that it's best that i lie somehow.  no.  what i meant was that i knew that you would read that, and i would feel bad, because i wasn't sure exactly how you would take it, okay?  don't fucking accuse me of lying, of being two-faced, of being dishonest because somehow i will gain in the end.  don't.  i am not 'woe is phoenix' all the time.  i say that val is moving, and yeah, i'll miss her, but am i "oh, woe is me!  my life sucks so much!"  no, i'm not.
right.  this isn't going the way i planned.  i was not going to accuse you of anything, i was going to be civil, i was going to explain things from the way i see them.  and instead it turned into this.  i guess, just let me close with this:  i'm sorry this ever happened.  i don't want you to be angry, i want your friendship.  you mean a lot to me.

ugh.  i just got home... i slept most of the time, actually...

...you have no clue, blayne, you honestly don't.  you don't know the full story.  you won't understand anyway, i'm sure.  but that doesn't matter now, does it?  because you hate me and can't wait to leave.  well, i'm sorry - i honestly am.  i realize that means nothing, though.

i'm just going to pretend that the whole thing with travis didn't mean a thing, that it was just a "friends with benefits" thing.  that way i can't get hurt.  _{[yeah, right...]}

aaron burned me two cds ["world of noise" by everclear and "strays" by jane's addiction] in return for two burned cds ["one by one" by foo fighters, and "darkest days" by stabbing westward].

so val may be moving to north dakota with josh, as he will be going into the military full time.  that's just great...

perhaps there's a thing as too much honesty on a blog.  the last entry may have cost me a friendship, i'm not sure yet.  i hope not.  but let phoenix's stupidities be a lesson to us all:  blogs can alienate friends, mkay?  i've lost a valuable friendship because i was too busy thinking with my body rather than my mind.

i was having a great night until mom showed up at travis' house at 5 a.m.  but let's start at the beginning... not sure how much i can say on here, but whatever.  i arrived at travis' house at about 10:25 p.m.  his mom, who was just about to go to bed, let me in the house.  she was quite shocked to see me, and informed me that travis wasn't here.  i called around - scott and jesse - attempting to locate travis, to no avail.  since josh was at andy's, i called him and asked him to go to s.a. and see if travis was there.  nope.  meanwhile, i've called travis about five times, and text-messaged him once.  by 11:05, i am uber-pissed, and i grab a sheet of paper and write him a note, basically saying 'screw you' blah blah blah.  as i'm walking up the stairs [literally 10 seconds from leaving the house] he calls me and says he thought i got off work at 11.  oops.  he'll be home in a minute.  i ran downstairs, removed the note, and shoved it in my purse.  we [okay, he] talked until midnight, then we put in twister and watched that.  sometime around 1:45 a.m., i called home to check in and say i wasn't sure what time i will be home.  oddly, mom was fine with that and said to stay out as long as i desired [a test, you see].  travis was trying to convince me to stay until noon or so.  not that i didn't want to - i did - but i knew i shouldn't.  anyway.  now we get to the point where we quickly brush over some stuff...  we talked, we made out, repeat until about 4 a.m.  i finally got my stuff together and headed outside.  it was nice out, so travis followed me out, and convinced me to go for a walk.  i threw my stuff in the car and off we went.  we walked along the road, talking, looking at the stars, and, um, stuff.  we got back to my car about 4:45/4:50 a.m.  standing at my car, making out, when we see headlights.  ohhhh, crap.  we both stiffen up and move apart slightly.  i walk over to the headlights, shielding my eyes somewhat.  it's mom - i can tell by the license plate.  i speak to her and learn that she was worried, that she had called my cell and i didn't answer [der... it was in the car... oops.]  she wasn't angry.  she had no qualms about me being out that late.  she said she would follow me home, and she backed out of the driveway.  i walked back over to travis, we said goodbye... then i headed home.  i'm not in trouble, there are no new curfew rules... well, one:  from now on, travis has to pick me up.  same with blayne if i go over there at night, or whoever.  i'm still surprised she was fine with me being there that late.

crap.  so we were going to watch a movie, but mom got uber-pissed and wouldn't let me leave the house at 1 a.m.  that, and she says he doesn't respect me at all, given the fact he called late at night.  she has no idea what she's talking about.  well, needless to say, she and i got in a fight, at one in the morning.  not fun at all.  travis was going to pick me up, we were going to watch a movie at his place... no big deal.  so who cares if i come home at three or later?  it's not like i have school, yet.  she's so angry at him.  sigh...  i think we might be watching a movie tomorrow, though.  i'll have to check on that...

blah.  so, i ended up not doing anything with josh [which is fine with me, he was doing something with steph, which is good].  i was going to go to travis', though, after he came back from jesse's.  hrm.  doesn't look like that's gonna happen, eh?  meh, that's fine.  i'm used to my plans falling through.

travis seemed kind of pissed when i told him that i didn't want to go to jesse's, that i might be, in fact, doing something with josh.  he told me i had better keep my pants on with him.  then, a few messages later, accused me of wanting to get into josh's pants.  wow, that boy is unsure of my relationship with josh.  no matter how many times i explain that josh is just a good friend, he never gets it into his head that i don't want to have wild, passionate sex with josh.  but that's okay.  let him believe whatever he wants:  at least it makes my life sound more interesting.  actually, both blayne and travis asked me over to jesse's tonight.  i told both of them no.  but... i may be doing something with travis later... a movie, oder etwas.

i came home tonight after work, and forgot that i had not taken my wristband off before i entered the house.  i heard mom say, "what is that on your wrist?"  i looked down, and was like, crap...  she freaked out.  she hates it.

peta must train its telemarketers well:  one of them, a polite man by the name of louis, called me.  within 10 minutes, i had gone from member [meaning i donate money whenever i feel like it] to guardian [meaning i give them my debit card number so they can steal $10 a month].

work wasn't too bad tonight.  some russian guy - dmitri, i believe his name was - stopped into the store tonight.  i got to see his driver's license - granted, i couldn't read any of it as it was in russian, but still.  his accent was cool.  i really enjoy working with ryan, moreso than with aaron.  ryan said i was pretty much the only girl that he felt comfortable talking to... that was flattering.  he's remarkably easy to talk to, and fun to joke around with.  we even ended up purchasing a pizza from commander, because we were both "looking for something to munch on."  due to the fact that i don't eat meat, we ended up getting a garbage pizza, hold the meat.  it was a lot better than i expected it to be.  it had onions, mushrooms, green olive, peppers... i don't remember what else.

ouch.  i have a hangnail on my toe... and i'm sweaty and gross.  woe is phoenix.

blah.  i did actually have more to say, but i think it's high time that phoenix got some much-needed sleep.  when you start hearing voices, arguing with imaginary people, and refer to yourself in the third-person, yeah - sleep might be a good choice.  ugh, tonight is gonna be another one of those sleeping naked nights.  gah, it's so hot...

i had only gotten two hours of sleep and i thought that i was doing fine.  i wasn't tired - far from it, in fact.  coming back from town [around 4:30], i caught myself arguing with someone who wasn't even there.  that's the kind of stuff they lock you up in a padded cell for.  that's when i knew the sleep dep was really kicking in.  anyway, the reason i ran into town was to purchase international, a best-of compiliation of new order.  many thanks to jme for telling me to get a new order cd!  i love it... as you knew i would.  i have discovered a new obsession.

this is getting strange.  i come back home, and there are even more relatives at my house.  it all started with kathy, who seems to be making an appearance every other week or so.  then it was dano and his wife.  now it's debbie and karl.  who's it going to be next time, and why is everyone making a stop at our house?  why is everyone suddenly deciding that they all want to move down here?  on the other hand, by the time everyone has moved up here, i'll have moved up even further north to attend college.  i'll be somewhat spared, anywho.

fuck you, travis, for doing that to me.  how dare you let me think that we could still get back together?  i've now heard otherwise...

I believe that was the night he was drinking -a lot- - he seems to be pretty much over you, in general, as he's 'in the market' - we were eating tonight and three (james bond chicks, if you will.) girls came over and asked what we were doing, invited us to come to another bar with them.  travis was all about getting them back to our hotel room.. scott said 'not tonight.'

a good day, if not highly eventful.  val called, waking me up.  i talked to her for about a quarter of an hour before she asked me to come down and visit her at work.  by the time i got there, it was 2:00.  she got to close at 4, so after she got off work we went down to dairy queen and chatted a bit.  she's wasn't overly talkative; she was was thinking about what she was going to do with josh tonight.  i dropped her off at home, ran home quickly, then it was off to josh's.  for a long while, i laid on the floor, head on a beanbag, watching josh and kyle play america's army.  josh is stronger than i thought:  a few times he picked me up and spun me around, then threw me on the bed.  i don't know, it was fun.  i did end up feeling bad for blayne, though - and myself.  first josh, then kyle, decided it would be fun to be idiots to blayne.  granted, i love the guys to death, but this was pretty embarassing.  i remember i was threatening to kick them in the balls if they posted anything more...  but there's not a whole lot you can do when you're being restrained on the bed and the other person is typing.  i actually did throw myself on josh, attempting to keep him from typing, but that didn't do a whole lot of good.  i should have remembered that from previous attempts, but alas, phoenix must have a poor short-term memory.  when i hopped on irc on a computer of josh's, blayne opped me, and i'm sure that josh and kyle must have realized that i could have kicked or banned them from the channel.  however, i'm equally sure that they knew i wouldn't.  hrm.  i should have swiped blayne's fan for him, as the guys still have it.

hrm.

i seriously need to start talking to dad about his past more often.  there are all kinds of things i didn't know about him.  i was telling him about how i was thinking about getting a copy of battlefield, or wolf, and he told me how he once wrote a computer game.  this was way back in 1971/1972, so obviously it was all text.  it was called, quite simply, "war".  it was a shoot-`em-up, featuring nuclear explosions and the like.  you picked from various weapons to attack your enemies with.  it was pretty popular in the area, he said.  he created "war" while still living in hibbing, and it was even exceedingly popular in the cities.  i wish i was as smart as he is.  he's got a bachelors in ...electrical engineering..?, a masters in computer science and mathematics... and he was going to get his doctorate in computer science, but didn't - as he got married at that time and neither really wanted to move to texas, even though he got accepted...  that, and being that he just got married, couldn't financially afford to go do it.

As a friend, I want to place a very thick board between you and that idiot, because he doesn't sound like he deserves you at all.  But I understand if you still want there to be something between you...  he just sounds like a jackass to me.  Tell me if I'm wrong.

i know, believe me, i know.  logic and emotions don't always match up, though.  i wish they did, as life would be so much easier.  i want what i cannot have, even though there is [perhaps] something better, something easier, something less painful waiting for me.  i don't know.  i never know anymore.  relationships are so confusing, whether it be romantic, or just friendship.  i'm used to getting screwed so i don't think anything about it anymore.  when val dropped plans with me at the last minute to do something with her cousin, i wasn't offended in the least [but my parents were angry that people always end up doing that to me...].  i've learned to expect that in the course of any relationship, i will be hurt, and as such, if you expect it - you're not really hurt.  i have a tendency to ignore anything hurtful if i care about the person.  actually, what i just wrote makes me sound a lot more pathetic than i'd like.  i'm not sure how to explain what i'm trying to say.  i'm in a really good mood right now, actually.  i'm thinking i'm going to just take a bubble bath and read "everything's eventual" by stephen king, and just relax.

so mom is going down to kathy's to spend the weekend.  dad will be home - somewhat - but he doesn't care what i do.  this isn't fair!  now, and when my parents were gone for a few days, the guys were gone.  and, in a twist of bitter irony, i bet as soon as they come back, my parents won't be leaving for a while.

hrm, i need to do laundry and clean the upstairs.

i set my phone to silent... val called seven times last night.  erm...

that was perhaps the most awkward, uncomfortable, depressing mass i have ever attended.  mass, not in a church, but in a nursing home.  first off, mass should be held in a church.  that's what churches are for.  in the room where it was held, it was the "chapel", meaning it looked generically protestant.  all the old people, in wheelchairs, heads droopings, tongues hanging out in the case of a few.  i noticed a few things that made me wonder:  why is it that so many elderly women have short, curly hair, and wear floral print shirts?

i wish so much of my mom's religiosity hadn't rubbed off on me.  there's some things i'd love to do, but won't, because of the fear of winding up in hell.

and she wonders why i am never home anymore.  i walk in the door and wham!  within three minutes, i'm being yelled at.  damn menopause.  thing is, i told val that i would give her and josh a ride back to fort ripley (as josh is on liberty pass, oder etwas...).  she said she would call sometime around four or five in the morning.  mom freaked when i told her that i would be doing that.  if it involves that boy, no.  i'm not allowed to do anything to help my friend.  actually, she also rephrased it.  rather than helping, she used the phrase "give a death sentence to".  hrm.  so basically, she is quite against it, and said that if i snuck out, she would kill me.  i'm sorry, val...

i wonder how things are working out for josh and steph?  for the best, i hope...  he and i ran into town today to buy our books for class.  bah.  i got my calculus, composition II, and intro to literature books.  we went out to eat [i paid this time, to make up for the last time...] afterwards, and chatted.  never again will i doubt the boy.  he's always right... in certain areas, at least.  he bought a webcam, so that'll be fun to watch, at least.  now i'm not the only one with a cam.

york peppermint patties should not taste like ramen noodles.  nor should they be a different shade of brown than they are normally.  maybe i shouldn't eat them anymore.

i'm starting to get worn out...  i have to remember to get my books tomorrow, then if at all possible, go for a late-night run.  i need to.  enough playing with the cam and irc... time for sleep, i hope.

phoenix's blog:  all sex, all the time!  geez, my blog is turning into some freakish pr0n soap opera.  travis' sex-centered ramblings last night ran to 16 pages long.  talking to blayne was a bit tramautizing.  but anyway.

i'm going to get burned, and i'm going to bring people down into the fire with me, inadvertently.
Me and you can STILL happen.
don't do this to me.  please, don't.  i don't think i'm strong enough emotionally to handle whatever the outcome of this is.  i'm weaker than i'm willing to admit.  you and i both know it, and this gives you that much more power.  i will do nothing; it is in my best interests right now to pretend you never said that.

you know there's something wrong with your life when your parents, wanting to get ahold of you, call you on your cell phone.  even when they're downstairs.

aaron and i finished doing everything early tonight, so we actually booked out of there at 9:55.  work was really strange today, as trent was there - he stayed there until 6, even though his shift ended at 2.  we talked, as he showed me the cooler, and how to do propane, and... random crap.  he did hit my butt with with a flyswatter, though - but he'll pay for that eventually.  i can't believe he's only 17; i honestly thought he was 20 or so.  but then again, i suck at judging ages.

one of the nice(?) things about having guy friends is that they tell you how males think:

[Blayne] 'sex sex sex' I told you.
[Blayne] -every male-
[Blayne] if a guy denys it.. he's just being indirect with it-

blayne's right:  this really is like a soap opera.

ugh, no more webcam for a while, now.  it makes me feel like a whore... it's just all the conversations with blayne and travis tonight that are doing something to my mind...  that must be it.  quite the conversations, tonight.  i want to post some crap, but i can't post very much... travis confuses me.  okay, some of the things said make me sound like a whore, but... honestly.  some of these things are just too funny... i just got to post some...
frankly, though - sometimes the guys can be a bit disturbing.  ...i will never understand the male brain.