<boy> you're a slut!
<girl> what?
<boy> what did you just do?
<girl> got laid.

the above is being screamed, right outside my door, accompanied to the beat of some low-talent rapper.

what's your opinion on sg?  in my opinion, it's artistic erotica.  someone else is arguing with me that it is a blatant porn site with "just a bunch of dirty pierced up heroin addicted sluts."

wow.  people get really heated over the subject of circumcision...  one person keeps blasting all those that oppose it, saying that they are attacking her and accusing her of mutilating her children.  um.  no one has attacked her, but she has called people assholes that "hate their dick" because they disagree.  instead of listening to people (specifically - guys) she resorts to ad hominem flaming.  when she did ask for opinions (ignoring those that she disagree with), she wanted it only from straight american males.  why exclude gays?  "i want someone that has had sex."  and we'll just ignore the fact that most of the world is uncircumcised.  i'm sure the opinion of a non-american isn't worth anything.  sigh.

i'm bookmarking this site.  go check it out.

yay for switchblade symphony.  i'm starting to get back into them again.  whenever i hear "gutter glitter," though, it reminds me that val said it sounded like dead people singing.  the music is... ethereal, for lack of a better word.

this is kind of pathetic.  my vocabulary is rather expanded, but i only feel comfortable using the words in text.  i'm not the best when it comes to pronounciation.

i've slid from agnostic to atheist...

so there's a thread about abortion that i'm reading, and it mentions mermaid babies and harlequin babies.  unsure what they were, i decided to google it.  i had to turn the filter off to get an image of the harlequin baby [it's considered "expicit" by google].  my suggestion - don't click the links if you have a weak stomach.

i have now made myself sick by viewing images of other diseases.  the syphilis ones were disturbing.

how did i get on the national dean's list?  is this some sort of scam, like poetry.com?

the gene pool needs a bit more chlorine.

no one wants to hear me whine.  honestly, i should just shut up.

just got off the phone with mom.  her placating just made me angrier.  i should never have told her i don't like it here.

i don't care if cutting isn't good for me.  it helps.  and it's not like there is anyone around here who i can talk to, who i can hold on to.  the knife is my only companion.

all i want is someone to listen.  someone i can touch.  someone who is real, who i can hold on to.

i'll just... stop now, and try to not whine anymore.  because even those that care can't take much more of this.

clarissa and i made a run to wal-mart today, i had to get a rug, and she bought... something.  we had to use those automatic things, i don't know what they're called.  where you check yourself out.  well, it wouldn't take cash, and it wouldn't take my debit, so i had to use the credit card.  bah.  oh, and i went to get my id taken today - the staff around here are idiots.  every single one of them told me a different building.  but anyway.  had to get the id done twice because the first time it was the wrong name.

i'm sorry, so sorry.

i hate being depressed and suicidal, if only because of the negative impact it has on those i care about.  the ra wants us to all leave our doors open.  i try to - but when i break down crying obviously i'm going to shut the door.  and that happens way too often.  i'm binge eating again, and it makes me feel even more horrible about myself.  i want to go for a long drive.  i just want out of here.  i want to go home.  i have no one to talk to here.  my closest friends are about 90 miles or so away.  my best friend is across the country...  i sleep a lot now.  before i left, i was getting better.  i've gotten worse again.  please just get me out of here.  i should be used to this, i mean, i've moved every few years.  but this time - there is nothing with me that i love.  there is nothing to look forward to.  i hate every bit of the campus and shit town.  what i want i'll never have.  even if i wasn't like this, i'd never have it.  i've ruined so many things in my life, and i just seem to continue doing it.  fuck this, i hate it here.  please.  i don't want to be here any longer.  ...i have a weird craving, but i'm not going to tell you what it is.  i just want to drive away from here and never look back.  i am a failure of everything i attempt.
i have so few options.  i can't take this much longer.

goddamnit, i can't reply to messages in my pop3 account, i have to go to webmail.  any ideas on how to fix that?

just got done talking to the girl across the hall from me.  she reminds me a lot of val - her personality, not physically.  she seems nice.  and she's threatening to make me go to parties with her.  eh.  still, she's nice.

i want out of here now.  i don't want to be here.  not at all.  i don't belong here.  i find myself centering on one thing, now, so at least being stuck in hell gives me a chance to strech my mind a tad.  i'm forcing myself to study something so that i don't haul off and kill myself.  i want to leave.  to run away.  anyone with me?

don't misunderstand me; i love knowledge.  but i have a hard time in a school atmosphere.  i just can't do it.  it's more effective when i'm doing it myself, on my time, because i want to, because i love what i'm studying.

dress your child like a "pimp or ho".

there's bullet holes in some of the windows.  oh, joy.

so, apparantly crystal lives on my floor.  and... i guess sheena lives in the same hall.  she's gained a lot of weight.  there's also a girl here from hibbing; i feel like i should know her.

kill me.  or get me out of here somehow.

eh, i'll probably get the photos page up finally.  i have nothing better to do, and i love my new scanner.  so, hey...

i do wish that i had some sort of talent.  something that i could make a living off of.  i suppose i could be a cam whore and charge people.  god knows i'm naked enough.  i've also had suggestions for turning this into a book.  now that would be odd.  that'd be strange, hilarious, cool, and highly implausable.  if only i could win a few million dollars.  then i'd drop out of college, buy a cute, small house, and live comfortably ever after.  but that'll never happen, so bah.  anyone care to buy me a lottery ticket?

i have a migraine, and i blame it all on the guy in the dorm to the right of me.  he was just like my neighbor in the apartment:  t.v. so loud i can make out every word.

people will buy anything.

guess what?  i won a free jinx shirt.  yay for me.

please take me home.  i'll, um... me love you long time?

i finally got a full rip of "she sells".  enjoy.

i barely have set up my dorm - just the computers, clothes, and books.  there's still miscellany in boxes.  oh, but i did take this webcam shot for draven.  i told you i'd put them up.

i really want chocolate.  i should have bought some when i made a run to the grocery store.  stupid me.  at least there's a vending machine on this floor.  though i don't feel like heading over there right now.  maybe in an hour or so.

i'm so lonely.  i don't want to be here.  i wish there was someone online to talk to.

oddly enough, my link is on a generic drug info site.

oh my god.  some blond girl just threw herself on my window, shouting "oh my god!  it's phoenix [last name]!"

future college drop-out right here, folks.

i still can't find the place where i'm supposed to get my id.  i mean, i can find the building, but even though i was through the entire place, i can't find anywhere that does ids!  argh.  i am incredibly frustrated.  and as for parking permit - i've been told two different places for that.  and i can barely walk, my feet hurt so bad.  i have a few blisters, though what they're from i'm not sure.

my last night in pequot i hung out with draven for a few hours.  that was so nice... even if he did make me eat.  at the end of the night, though, i was torn.  i wanted to stay there with him, i was so comfortable, i just wanted to stay and talk.  but on the other hand, my stomach hurt so bad.  i felt incredibly sick.  when i got home, i cried.  i cried for a few hours.  i didn't want to be home, i didn't want to go to bemidji, i wanted to stay in pequot with my few friends.  i ended up only getting a few hours sleep.  i cried all the way to bemidji (crying and driving is unsafe, i'm sure).  i cried myself to sleep in the dorm.  i hate it here.  i don't belong here.  not at all.  bring me back to wednesday night.

when you start talking, i hear the prozac

well, i finally got the internet up.  it only took me three hours to figure out that the reason it didn't work was because i had this computer on a set ip.  i think you should all be ashamed of me.  my fingers are freezing and i can barely type.  grrrr.  ... something is fucked up on this keyboard.  it keeps switching over to caps lock, without me hiting anything.  good thing i brought along an extra keyboard.  ah, there we go.  just switched over.  this one's really dusty, and i have to get used to the keys on this one.  ah well.  i have to go get my books in a little bit.  and my id.  i went out looking for it yesterday but never found it.  i felt pretty damn stupid.  i ate two food groups yesterday, draven.  yay?  i'm not sure if i like it here or not yet.  i honestly feel like i don't belong.  sometimes i wonder if i should even be in college; i've never liked school at all.  i think i want out of here.  last night i was so suicidal.  i had two bottles of pills in my hand.  i still don't know why i didn't do it.  an i am so incredibly lonely here.  this sucks.

if you look below, the text with the strike through was the rantings of a suicidal and/or idiot.  an few hours later, i went back and was going to delete it, but decided not to.  i left it up, just striking it.  i find it rather disturbing.  as i wrote, it got progressively worse.  at the end, i had no sense of grammar, punctuation, et al.  like winston in 1984, his first journal entry.  if you have no idea what i'm talking about (which makes me rather sad), it can be found in the middle of this page.  i am once again addicted to "she sells" by wookiefoot.  (yes, you can download it - wookiefoot actually encourages the sharing of music/information.  oh, this is only 60%.  the program crapped out on me.  i'll try to redo it once i move.)  quotes updated.  there's a fucking hilarious devart one - which, of course, only reaches it's maximum humour if you frequent the devart forums.  but still, it's funny.  whoa, sweet.  my dial-up is downloading at 36kb/sec.  wow.

i don't know if this is a bad sign or not, but i keep hoping that when i die - that's it.  no afterlife.  and there sure as hell better not be reincarnation.  i couldn't handle this shit a second time.  i can barely fucking type.  my hands are shaking and i can't even see, i'm crying so goddamn hard.  i'm hungry, but i cleaned out the fridge and cupboards, thank god.  god fucking damnit, just bleed already you piece of shit.  i want to die, but i can't. what if i fail, what if something goes wrong, what then? i don't want a repeat of before i can't handle that. i'm never fucking going back to the grace unit. my arm fucking hurts i'm fucking sick of this i want to die but i can't i can't i'm just so goddamn sick of this why can't i be normal why if there is a god i think he hates me "god never gives you more than you can handle" bullshit this is more than i can take so fuck you pain sweet fucking pain aesthetic beauty permanently placed fine is such a fucking ambivelant word so perfect and so miserable fuck i forgot a cupboard chips throw away otherwise i'll binge eat like i always do ugly obese bitch bleed fucker bleed

only 34 more hours, and i'm off...

i've decided to take a break from packing and just relax and drink my tainted strawberry.  when i threw out the last garbage bag (last as in previous, it's definately not the final one, sadly enough), i brought my camera out with me.  i wanted to take some photos in the park, perhaps down by the dock.  but, i couldn't even make myself cross the street.  i was too petrified for some reason.  so, i stood by the dumpster and contented myself with taking a few photos of the desolate looking playground.

do you ever feel like no matter how much you pack, it doesn't make a dent?  yeah, that's what i'm going through right now.  and it's even harder to make any progress when you sporadically break down and cry.  i honestly don't know why i keep doing that.  i was the same last night.

sometime early in the morning (five or six-ish), i decided that life was simply not worth it; i just wanted to die.  i laid there staring at the bottles of pills.  within reach, i have roughly 300 pills.  frankly, i'd be surprised if that didn't kill me.  why didn't i just haul off and kill myself this time?  i had a slight grasp on reality.  there are a few people out there that i love, and i do not want to hurt them.  you know who you are.  and i love you.

once i finally got to bed, i was later awakened by a nightmare:  there was a rat in my apartment bathroom, and i tried to lock it in there.  well, it ended up escaping somehow.  and this wasn't your typical rat.  no, we're talking huge fucking sewer rat.  i opened the door to my apartment and tried to push it out while it glowered at me.  a neighbor saw me and yelled at me for bringing the rat out.  he stared at me a bit longer, then offered to get rid of the rat for me.  so somehow i get the rat out the door, and i slam the door shut.   then i hear a godawful sound: the man had just chopped the rat's head off with a black and silver sword.  then all of a sudden scenes changed.  i was facing death, literally.  skull, robe, on a throne.  he sneered at me, saying that gold and black swords may be pretty, but they are worthless.  only silver and black swords are worthy of doing his service.

i'm quite confused.  that is one of my odder nightmares.

interesting.  on the forums, someone was saying that homosexuality was a mental disorder, and that 90% can be "corrected" according to the "board of pyschology".  so, i did a quick search to try and refute that.  here's a list of studies, and their success rates in conversion:

• exodus international reports a success rate of 0.4%
• schroeder & shidlo, 0%
• OCRT pilot study, 0%
• spitzer, 0.04%

so my parents took me out to eat, along with mom's parents, one of her brothers, and her aunt ann (or great aunt, i'm not sure.)  ann stands at 4'7", but she more than makes up for her diminutive size with her wit.  frankly, i was amazed.  i guess timmy, my uncle who came along, is thinking about getting married to his beautiful colombian girlfriend.  and one of my uncles wanted to come, but he was under house arrest.  the evening was fairly uneventful, and we ended it by visting the uncle under house arrest.  for a while, we discussed mom's new job.  i guess hunt has voip, and mom was discussing how the phone lines were set up.  i listened intently, hoping she'd say something interesting, but she didn't.  the only reason i cared was because i thought of a friend when she started talking about that, and i thought it might be interesting info for him.  another hour was devoted to making fun of mom's computer skills, or lack thereof.

how dare someone steal the scream!

if there are any protestants out there, could you please explain the rapture to me?  i've always thought this a hilarious concept, and i just can't fathom it, even with the research that i do.  people just disappear or float up into the sky to be with jesus?  speaking of the rapture, check this out.  i first thought it was a joke, but no, they are utterly serious.  does the email just send itself after the rapture?  or do they have a heathen working there, too?

gosh darn it!

okay, religious rant this paragraph.  feel free to read or skip to next paragraph below.  just a warning.
all right, i'm not even catholic anymore, but i am so sick of all the misconceptions floating around about roman catholicism.  first off, catholics are christian.  it doesn't matter whether or not you personally feel they are not because jesus told you in a vision.  they are christian.  they are the first christian sect.  (okay, you can go into technicalities about how the disiples were the first, or the gnostics or whatever.  catholicism is the first -organized- christian sect, then.)  yes, the pedaphile priests are horrible, yes, it never should have happened.  no, i am not sticking up for them.  but not all priests are like this; hell, 97-99% of them aren't like this (i can find the statistics, if you want.)  believe it or not, all christian sects fall prey to this horror, be it priest or pastor.  catholics do not worship mary!  oh my god, this one just pisses me off.  yes, mary is given greater honor than the other saints, being the mother of god...  however, she does not recieve as much honor as jesus or god.  it is forbidden in the catholic church to worship anyone other than god.  yes, i'm sure you can quote scripture to say it shouldn't be like that.  you know what?  a catholic apologist can do the exact same fucking thing, right back.  both sides have scripture to prove their point.  and don't ever listen to chick tracts.  the vatican does not keep "the name of every protestant church member in the world" in a "big computer."  catholicism did not create islam as a weapon against jews.  the pope is not a communist who controls the illuminati.  now, do those sound stupid?  i hope so.  but jack chick honestly believes that.  i loathe jack chick more than you will ever know.  he does a disservice, not only to catholics, but to the rest of christianity.  next time you decide to fucking bash a religion, take the the time to learn the very basics of what you're bashing.  maybe then you won't sound like such a jackass.  that said, let me reiiterate that i am not a catholic, not even christian.  i am agnostic, and happily so.  i do not even agree with the teachings of christianity anymore.  i am not an apologist, and i don't care to be.  but i'm sick of people being so incredibly ignorant and stupid.

let me ask you this:  do you love your sister, your boyfriend, your dog, even though they are not perfect and disappoint you from time to time?  would you leave them in a burning building, or suffering in anguish, because of their faults?  could you ever truly let someone that you love suffer eternally?  billions, trillions, endless years due to a mistake.  a 'sin' that could be as simple as saying "damn."

neither do i understand the reason for the control and regulation of one's sex life.  (i am not talking about rapists or pedaphiles.  those people deserve to be castrated with a dull knife and have their dick nailed to the floor.)

if i appear to bash christianity alot, i'm sorry.  ever since my deconversion, i've been a bit angry at christianity and it's teachings that i feel to be lies.  for some reason, i feel like ranting about it greatly today, and i really don't why.  it is in my anger that i research and learn, and slowly shrug off fears that have haunted me for years.

i should not be scared.  but i am.  i'm terrified.  i shouldn't be; i mean, this is my seventh school since kindergarten.  i'm scared of flunking, of not meeting anyone, of being all alone again.  i'm scared of how naive i am (especially with guys.  draven can attest to that.)

i have a weird craving for waffles all of a sudden.

assicons & boobiecons.  typing that makes me want to cry.

ew.  ever wonder where collagen comes from?  one of the sources is calf placenta.

i saw a photo of val's belly.  it makes me never want to get pregnant.  i get sad just thinking about it.

i came across this site a few years ago, and now had the misfortune of somehow stumbling back upon it.  why does a 50 year-old man dress like peter pan?  why?  he is, in his own words, "a very silly boy!"  and if he can find his "tinkerbell" he will be "one happy pixie boy!"  y'know, i never saw a man in fishnets, before.  his daily wear.  he has his own christian ministry, too.  and, apparantly, he used to drop acid.  that explains a bit, i guess.

i always hated peter pan.

from the resident uber-conservative republican bigot:

No, it doesn't matter who makes up the majority in this country as long as you don't mind how things are run. If the Latino can't run their own countries, what makes you think they can run this country when they take control? What Latino countries has free elections, freedom of the press, and is not a police state? Like the way the drug cartels run Colombia, then I'm sure you will like it here. Visit South America with its crime, corruption and grinding poverty. That is the world my grandchildren will be born into, thanks to people like you.

last blog tonight, i swear!  i was going through my stats, when i discovered some rather odd things.  apparantly my site pops ups from searches such as:  keep your jesus morning, bush quote resourceful and so are we audio, incestual relationships.  now if that's not disturbing, i don't know what is.  oh, wait.  a search of narcisstic injury brings my site up third.  huh.  i'm just mainly confused about the incest one.  spelling error(s) not mine.  i copied right from the stats.  less than 40% of my readers use ie.  50.5% use mozilla.

"we should be enacting new laws and removing the existing laws that allow other faiths into the US of A."

people like that scare me.

this has been in my head all day:

uba-ra-shi chin chin mono / Kintama no kame aru / Sore no oto saru bo bo / Iye! Ninja ga imasuuuuuuuu / Hey hey let's go kenka suru / Taisetsu no mono protect my balls! / Boku ga warui so let's fighting... / Let's fighting love! Let's fighting love! Kono uta chotto baka / Wake ga wakaranai / Eigo ga mecha-kucha / Daijobu!

i hate throwing up.  damn rice.

muslim prisoners offered porkchops
mpaa loses case against p2p applications
pentagon's take on abu ghraib's doctors
piraha tribe lacks numbers
don't live by gas stations

listening to "Ænema" - tool.  love the lyrics.

has anyone else noticed what the typical teenage girl's website is like?  domain is usually pseudo-gothic with a hypen (porcelain-wrists, toxic-bliss, artificial-blasphemy, endless-dark, slashmysoul).  they usually host at least five of their friends on their domain.  and, of course, the endless affiliates and hundreds of fanlistings/hate listings.  there must be a large photoshopped graphic of either you, or famous people you like, that takes up, at minimum, half the screen.  if there is a splash page, the requirements listed will be:  ie, 1024x768, an open mind.  the colors used are either pastel-ish, or red+black.  these people love animals, their boyfriends (or love being single), and are usually atheist.  the rest are christian.  text size used in blog is either 8 or 10.  almost always, on the side of the blog, there is a quick little bio along with a photo (name. atheist. keanu reeves. animals. boyfriend. smoker. sarcastic. him. 17.).  you get the idea. camwhore.  links are usually entitled me, you, domain, links.

well, shit.  at least i only kind of fit two of those.

i'm working up the motivation to make myself eat.

also working up motivation to pack.

i am so terrified of moving.

i'm grateful for draven's appearance here last night.

...

i just ate some rice...  i feel like i'm going to puke now...

so, uh, i bought another domain for five bucks.  i just grabbed it from a jack off jill lyric.  but i don't know what to do with it.  and i just realized it sounds quasi-gothic.

<customer> i tried to take out $60 out of the atm.  i only got a reciept.
<phoenix> i'm not in charge of that; i can't do anything.
<customer> what the fuck do you mean?  fucking call someone!
<phoenix> i...
<customer> now what the fuck am i supposed to do now?

i just glared at him and shrugged.  he then stormed out, thankfully.  and then i broke down.

i woke up twice from nightmares.  one was i was stabbing myself in the heart with a serrated blade.  the other, my throat being slit from behind.

other than that - it's been a decent day.  i finally got almost all of my media transferred to the linux box, so now i have 24.6 gb that opened up.  tonight was also my last night of work.  yay.  currently listening to:  "world leader pretend" "ignoreland" and "exhuming mccarthy" - all by r.e.m.

draven came over tonight; got to deal with me and my weight obsession.  thank god he has patience.  thing is, i know he's right, i'm not fat, but still.  logically i can grasp that, emotionally i cannot.

become informed.  learn what patriot act ii really is.

my hair is not thinning!  argh.

i have been informed that one of my former bosses reads this.  ha, that's cool.

talked to val for an hour tonight, which was really nice.  she told me horror stories about texas and babies, and i told her the few good things that were going on in my life.

after work was quite relaxing.  went down to the dock, listened to guitar, and just talked.  ...and got, literally, kicked in the ass.  there were a ton of shooting stars; we must have seen around 7 or so.  i hate the smell of smoke.  on the dock, it was fine.  smell only lasted a second.  here in the apartment, it lingers.  ew.

and tonight was... unexpected.

blah, i'm in a strange mood now.

i hurt, in more ways than one.  maybe in dreams the good memories will flash and show themselves.

draven told me i've gotten smaller; that i should eat more.  like hell i'm going to eat any more.

is it just me, or this there something odd about the "support our troops" ribbon being yellow?  i mean, the suicide awareness ribbon is yellow.  it's a standard, just like how the breast cancer ones are pink.  i don't know, something just seems messed up if we're supporting our troops with ribbons commonly associated with suicide.

put gas in my car; saw trent.  we chatted for about 15 minutes before i took off.  he wanted me to get drunk with him after work tonight.  no thanks.  couple minutes later, i ran into paula.  we chatted for a minute or so.

so, i came across the blog of a person i know.  the blog was about their job as a phone sex operator.  i now have new-found sympathy for those people.

i made the mistake of visiting the site for the christian exodus.  they say they don't want a theocracy, but that's bullshit.  if you're gay - better stay in the closet.  women won't hold office or other positions.  among other things.  i guess they plan on settling in south carolina, and already have 600 members ready to move.  they want to change the government back to good old "christian values."  logic says that if they can even get that far, they'll end up seceding (or attempting to).  interestingly enough, the majority plan on voting for kerry, as they feel he could end up helping their cause moreso than bush.

these people are definately extremists.  for example:

• There is a short and slippery slope between women wearing pants and two (or six) married homosexuals preaching at the pulpit of your church.
• Being ruled by women is actually considered to be a curse.
• Right now, men are adhering to biblical teachings, whereas women who wear pants are not.
• Feminists are anti-God and frequently anti-heterosexual
• Marriage is not a partnership, unless the Bible you are quoting was written by Hilary Clinton!
• If you find yourself rebelling against the thought of a "male-dominated society" (which TV says is wrong), then your heart is in need of spiritual transformation and healing, as it is rebelling against God.
• The feminist movement was basically a hard-core group of lesbians and communists who wanted to enact social change in order to undermine American society, and part of that social change was the removal of the distinction between the sexes in order to cause confusion and disorder.
• In the Old Testament period during the time of Moses, the Canaanite priesthoods (and others), often dressed in female clothing as part of their rituals, which also included homosexual sex, bestiality, and child sacrifice (sounds like a Planned Parenthood meeting)

i have a truly bizarre playlist going on in the background.  beastie boys, scissor sisters, darude, everclear, gretchen wilson, nine inch nails, fear factory, goo goo dolls, vnv nation, blind melon, and velvet underground.

i want to go back to the lake, the park, and just sit in comfortable silence with each other again.  hrm.  that means i actually have to call someone.

crime is fascinating.  i spent hours on this site.

and this is just adorable.  i watched that for a bit, too.

i actually didn't do too much today; mainly just got the oil in my saturn changed.  the sole reason i always go to the place i do is because of the asst. manager.  he's (i've mentioned this before, i just realized) a black midget, and he just kicks ass.  he's so cool.  and nice.

what would you do if a parent admitted that for the past how many years, they have loved you conditionally?

that's what happened to me today.  mom called up, apologizing.  she said that she has not loved me unconditionally.  she did not love me for who i am.  rather, i had to be what she wanted me to be.  to think, look, feel, dress, and act how she wanted me to.  she admitted to needing to know everything i thought and did, so that she could control that.  she says god showed her this.  personally, i feel it is more likely to be her subconscious, or something similar.  now, as nice as her apologies were and her promise to not do that anymore - she's said the same before.  she's said she wouldn't do it anymore, that she saw the error of her ways...  i've heard it too often.

the beast looks like it will be a good movie.  too bad it won't be out for a long while.  the director is a former fundy.

today was wonderful...

well, i'm feeling better now.  and i just got off the phone, which helped my mood also (the phone call, not getting off the phone, that is).  i feel like being with people, but i have absolutely nothing to say, so it's kind of pointless.  but, i'm in a much better mood than i was earlier today, so that's good.  i inadvertantly found out a way to piss off many people tonight.  one doesn't realize how dependent people are on plastic until they find out they can't use it.  yup, 20 minutes into my 8.5 hour shift, the credit card machine broke.  i got bitched at by many, many people, as if i had broken the machine myself just to enjoy their misery.  one guy tonight bought 110 powerballs.  damn.  and... i only have two more days left of work.  that seems odd.  and i'm scared out of my mind about moving and i don't think anyone really realizes...

i really identify with the title today.  long story.

i'm feeling a bit lonely, but, meh, i'll deal.

my arm hurts a bit, but that's my fault.

as i type this, i'm staring down at a piece of paper, on which is written, in big block letters, "satan loves you."

i'm stressed again.  got woken up around five something this morning.  phone call involving my forum.  after quickly scanning through posts, i deleted two threads.  i should honestly just shut the hell up and not really do anything.  that will minimize conflict.  perhaps.  before that, on the phone, i was crying, convinced i was a horrible person.  now back up a few more hours.  i had tears in my eyes because i thought the person i was supposed to meet wasn't going to show.  he arrived an hour late (due to traffic).

i got pulled over last night, but the cop let me off with a written warning.  thank god; i can't afford a ticket.  i can just barely afford my cell phone bill.

i think i'm going to curl up in a ball and cry until i have to go work, now.  too much shit in the last 12 hours.  of course, i do bring it on myself.  i really need to really start fucking listening to people.  that would stop some pain.  i don't know why i don't, when they are only trying to help me.  god, i'm a bitch...

camp x-ray.  camp delta.

the average american knows little, if anything, about those two camps.  the american media falls into two camps here:  those that did not report on it, and those that did were denied much access and information.

they are essentially concentration camps.  camp x-ray first, and later camp delta took over when the aforementioned closed.  prisoners were kept in small cages, given filthy (yellow, or black) water.  the food was sometimes up to 10 years past the expiration date.  the detainees were routinely tortured.  devout muslims, who had never before seen a woman unveiled, were tortured and humiliated by being forced to watch naked prostitutes masturbate.  some would be bound, hand and feet, together.  in camp x-ray, prisoners were allowed to "exercise" for 5 minutes a day.  camp delta alloted them 15 minutes.  guards would mock the muslim religion, denying water for prayers, or kicking the koran.  washington itself has stated that those kept in these camps have no rights.  children are in these chain-linked, razor-wired, dog and sniper-guarded prisons.  the prisoners, upon arrival, are given "comfort items", or ci.  these include a blanket, a bucket for human waste, a copy of the koran, and toothpaste.  a ci is frequently withheld, often due to just the whim of a guard.  prisoners are held "indefinately."  some attempt suicide.

there are roughly 660 prisoners currently, none of which have been tried or convicted.  rather, they suffer here because of our administration's "war on terror."

this all has taken place under president bush, who has yet to step in and remedy the situation.  rather, his presidency attempts to keep this quiet from the american public.

If you are here to seek out the reasons why, reread Phoenix's [...] post. It is an excellent explination.
aww.  that compliment rather surprised me.  it's referring to my rant about suicide and etc.  i had been trying to explain it from a suicidal's view.

i smell like coffee, fuel, and baby powder.  how sexy is that?  speaking of sexy, draven got a fedora.  fedoras are so fucking sexy...

it's my parent's 25^th anniversary.  wow.

i am addicted to "slutgarden".  ...that just sounds wrong...
last night/morning went much better than i expected.  it was certainly better than how we were doing on the phone, i think.  and my phone cut out at a highly ironic time...

dad and i went into town today, and we picked up a printer/scanner, since both my printer and my scanner crapped out on me.  i'm just going to set it up once i get into my dorm; no sense setting it up now and repacking it in like a week and a half, eh?

didn't do too much today, besides debate at a few forums.  and go off on a tangent about suicide, depression, and the like on another forum.  just, uh... correcting people's views.

my nose hurts.

not much of interest today, other than finding my cousin's blog.  that was interesting.

an old job has an opening and they offered it to me.  even if i wasn't leaving shortly, there's no way i'd work at the grocery store again.

turns out i've dropped four pounds in the last month or so.  mom would still flip if she knew how much i weighed, though.  she has a very set idea of what's the ideal weight for me, and i'm three pounds heavier than the heaviest she allots.  i have to keep telling myself that just because i don't fit in her range that she expects, it doesn't mean that i'm fat, by any means.  i have a really hard time with that.

and... what the hell is this?  i got an email, sent to kelly@phoenixtx.com, which said

Kelly
Here are the listed numbers for Phoenix.
240-599-2439 Through 2446
Please let us know which users will assigned the numbers so we can input them into the system.
Thank you

"we all watch you dance.  we all watch you dance."  then dark laughter.  that has got to be draven.  no one else would call at this time of the night and say that.  plus, it sounds like him, both in voice and word choice.

i'm really looking forward to friday.  it should be fun...  and he seems to be able to tolerate my babbling, so all is good.  the only trick will be finding each other, then.

val and i talked on the phone for about an hour today, which was really nice.  i miss her so much.  she seems pretty sick of her pregnancy - only one more month to go.  hopefully the baby doesn't come early - josh might not be around.  at least i'll see her and the baby around christmas, i guess...

i can't access my bank account online.  this does not make me happy.  and i forgot my pin.  grrr.

rather surprising incident today.  mom told me i probably don't want to get much thinner.  i just kind of looked at her.  this, coming from a woman that always tells me to lose weight, and to weigh myself every day so in case i gain weight i can lose it before i gain alot.

oh, fucking hell...well, went over a month...

okay, got firefox working and all is good.  though i wish da would make their site compatible with firebird, soon.

happy 21^st val.  i love you.

so.  on friday (the 13th) biggles and i are meeting up in st. cloud.  i'll get free food, yay!  we'll be eating at olive garden.  mmmm.  and, before i get shit for this - it is not a date.  holy.  that's one week from now... oh my god.  i leave in like two weeks.  i'm really nervous.

use me, I'm beautiful
take me, I'm yours
hurt me, it feels like medicine
and all I deserve

i have so many things to say, and so few words to say it with.  things i need to scream but never will.  words and emotions to break through but forever stumble.

well, i made it, what, two weeks(?) without crying.  i don't know why i'm crying right now.  i was fine today.  i'm just... miserable.  well, i got my apartment kind of clean.  did you know paranoia is a (rare) side effect of wellbutrin?  that would explain a lot as of late...

my meal for today consisted of root beer, water, almonds, and five necco wafers.  that's how i've been eating lately...  it's partly due to money, and also apathy.

work was busy.  and long.  and thanks to some idiot customers that changed their mind as soon as i hit the button to print a powerball ticket - i now have two or three powerball tickets that i had to buy.

/cue teen angst.

burn your dolls and stuffed animals!  for they are idols, and displeaseth the lord.  stop reading horoscopes and repent or a 150 year curse shall be placed upon your family.  have you played cards lately?  160 year curse!  ..."lord of flies" is the name of a demon, as is "snorting coke".  throw out all your candles!  they are but beacons and housing for demons.  do not mock they lord.  thou shalt die quickly and painfully soon.  do not punish your children; rather, cast out their demons.  don't wear cologne or perfume.  you can even have religious demons!  and beware pictures of jesus.  they are idols, and thus contain demons.  destroy all your rock music, your unicorns,your nikes, sundials, flamingos/phoenixs, owls, frogs, peace symbols, stars, chai, and items from other countries!  puppets and pokemon go without saying.  there are anti-perspirant demons.  (i myself am filled with the mocking demon)  do not pierce your ears or get a tattoo.  drums are evil.
i'm so going to hell for mockery.

ah, yay for biggles and fwee and...stuff...

i feel more alive in the rain.

i'm probably going to be working a 9 or 10 hour shift tomorrow.  rob asked if i could come in a bit early, because... well, i forget why.

my friends (you know who you are), thank you so much for making me laugh, for your advice, your comfort, for just letting me know you're there...  and to a few of you, thank you for putting up with my 5 a.m. ramblings when you had better things to do.  like sleep.

latest bush quote that is oh-so-fitting:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we.  They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

of course, the day i look like absolute shit and just throw more stuff on the floor of my apartment because i don't care... draven shows up.  when i first heard the knock, i was scared it was a neighbor coming to complain about manson.  nope.  i opened the door and i just sort of gaped at him for a second.  i honestly could not comprehend his presence.  once he settled on my bed, we watched a few episodes of south park, and one of aqua teen hunger force.  we just... relaxed.  it was nice to see him again.  and now... after viewing my apartment in shame, i'm cleaning.

missouri banned same-sex marriage.  bastards.  i say either legalize both marriages, or ban marriage all together.

if you have nothing more intelligent or logical to say than "ha ha, religion sucks!  and the writers of the bible were on lsd!"  please.  just don't.  you make us all look like idiots.

three weeks to go before my life turns upside down again.

so.  i overslept and missed my appointment to get my oil changed.  and i lost my prescription for my medication.  i called the clinic, and they said i could come in tuesday to have the doctor write me a new one.  yeah.  how convient that's the day i run out, too.

i banged my left arm on something at work today.  i wanted to scream, but there were customers.  so i instead, i ended up making a really odd hissing noise.

i was paranoid the last hour of work.  with every noise, i would jump, thinking someone was there.  i'm not sure why i was like that tonight.

after paying rent, i have roughly 16 dollars to last me a week and a half.  wait.  minus five, due to transcripts...$11.

my left arm is essentially useless.  i can type, but that's only because i set my arm down on the desk, and i don't move it any more than what's required to hit a key.  this is going to sound pathetic, but i think i made it worse when i went shopping.  trying clothes on required too much movement from that arm.  but... only $85 for two black shirts, two army green shirts, khakis, and black pants.  even better - my parents paid for it.  i guess i've lost weight, according to mom.  and that's definately not something she would lie about.  blah, i have to get up early again tomorrow - get my oil changed.  at nine in the morning!  ugh.  way too early for me.  i work tomorrow, too, but that shouldn't be too bad.  i'll just keep reading all the books that we sell.  i'm scared of college.

<rant>so, let's see here.  women that work are feminazis.  and it's wrong for women to stay at home because, apparantly, it denies men the chance to be a father, it reinforces sex discrimination, and it is bad for the work force.  what they hell do you guys want?  their screwed up solution recommends day care and "after school enrichment programs".  tell me.  when you're just a little kid, would you rather be at home with mommy or daddy, or in a day care/enrichment program?  and men should not date women that are more than three inches shorter than them.  ahem.  do you realize how few 5'6" men there are out there?  american women love tall men because they love money and are whores.  wtf?  how is that even logical?  women cannot survive without marriage.  women are responsible for most of the ills in society.  women don't have standards - they are just excuses to reject random men.  almost all american women are "psychotic and bipolar".  do not ever date a woman that has taken prozac or zoloft.  women are "truly mentally deranged and much like a bitch in heat."  asian women are nicer.  so are european women.  oh, and apparantly it's wrong for women to not want men that stare at other women constantly.  as soon as women get married, they "get fat, bitchy, cheat on you, and ass-rape you in divorce court."  do you realize there's a calculator out there to see how much you have to spend before you can get laid?  men should not marry.  or, if you do marry, only marry foreign women.  people only have kids because it's expected of them, or because they are too stupid to use birth control.  children are bad because they throw up at 2 am, and don't care that you have to be at work in four hours.  80% of women develop post-partum depression, and you don't want "women's problems to become your problems."  with post-partum depression, women are similar to a retarded child, withhold sex, are completely insane, and become obese.  don't get married.  just live with her and fuck her.  "love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."  once women have kids, "their twat stretches and they get a big gut."  if you're pro-choice you're a slut.  it's an honor and privilage to be a man.  treat women as unique, but not as your equal.  do not date a woman that has been raped.  or has kids.  or is over 30, max (preferably not over 23).  porn and prostitution are rampant because women are inept and not holding up their end of the bargain.  women should not be in politics.  women in the midwest are obese and slutty.</rant>

thank god i don't know any men like that.  and no, you're not getting the url to this.  he doesn't need more hits.  ...besides, you can always google the things i have in quotes.  okay, i can understand not getting married, as some people are against marriage.  but not for the reasons listed.  i mean, i'd love to get married eventually, but in reality?  if my partner was dead-set against it (for certain reasons, other than those mentioned), i would be okay with it.  (something i never thought i'd say.  wow.)

somehow, i hurt my left arm, and it hurts like hell to move it at all.  even lifting the arm the teensiest bit.

i need sleep.  or caffeine.  or both.  since i had to open this morning, i tried to go to bed shortly after midnight yesterday.  didn't work - didn't get any sleep.  work was okay, but it was exceedingly busy.  rob stopped in twice and we chatted for a few minutes.  his car looks almost exactly like draven's.  anyway.  so after work, i'm ready to take a nap... and josh calls.  (happy birthday, josh.)  so, i headed out.  kyle and katrina were already there.  at some point, we decided to go out on the pontoon.  i've forgotten how nice that is.  and, of course, josh was being an idiot, which is always fun to watch.  and the music... something about making "your mammary gland jiggle".  wtf?  oh, i told katrina this, and just thought i'd share:  there is erotica out there about women shoving oranges up their ass.  now, before you think i'm a pervert with really strange fetishes - i was actually researching to see if a story was true, and i came across that.  i digress.  just chilling on the pontoon was so nice, even when i did get splashed when josh would jump in the lake.  and it was nice to really laugh again.  when we got back, rusty made fun of me for being a vegetarian (i kind of expected that from josh's dad, though.)  i didn't care.  and... later jimmy and brooke showed up, just in time for bocce ball.  we did teams, since we had six people.  kyle and josh won, but katrina and i came in second.  yay.  and... we had cake, and got eaten alive by mosquitos, and watched south park.

who is calling me at midnight?  and my phone died before i could get there... grr.  and it didn't register as a missed call.  and i can't *69, either.

...driving home, i saw a license plate that read:  jsusves.

pussy in a bottle!  only 24.99!  ^{plus 4.99 s+h}
masturbating your dog
"keep your jesus off my penis" [song/video]

how i find those things, i wish i knew...

fuck you hostway!  i didn't renew my account!  stop sending me threats telling me to pay up 200 dollars!

i want this book.

i think i said everything i had to say in the last blog... hrm.  ah well, guess this entry is boring.

i'm a bit wary of today - it's august first.  june first i got disowned, and july first i went into the hospital.  hrm.

back to archives