here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
1:02 PM 4/30/2003i was sitting in
blayne's car, and happened to read an arby's slogan on one of the bags: what are you eating today? "not dead
cow!" i retorted indignantly. sometimes i forget i'm with other people when i say stupid stuff like that... but
all's good, blayne laughed. in half an hour, total waking hours will be... 47 hours. crap, this is insane.
stupid and
insane. fun, but...
the world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in
8:30 PM 4/29/200330th
hour and
counting! man, these mints are great. i just had one today, right before i started work. they increase
energy level and suppress appetite! i'd recommend them to anyone. jimmy commented that, "they're just like
crack - only cheaper!" heck yeah! probably tastier, too. the only downside that i've noticed is that i
have a splitting headache right above my left eye. but other than that... i just came back from a run. i
made it almost half a mile (or so...) before i just stopped. i'm not real sure why i did that. just stopped.
i must have stood there for only 30 seconds or so, but it felt 10 times as long. then i slowly walked back the
way i came. i only made it 100 feet, give or take, before i stopped again. i stood there silently, contemplating
the birds in the trees, the feel of my heartbeat, the sound of my blood flowing through my veins, and the vague sensation
that this may be what it's like to be high. i eventually began walking again, suddenly filled with dread that i would
pass out, right there on the tar, and i wouldn't be noticed missing for at least an hour. and then there they would
find me, with blood gushing out my head, because i would have cracked my skull open when i went flying to meet the ground.
so on second thought, maybe i wouldn't recommend these to everyone. it is just like crack. i already feel
addicted to them. i'm never this wired. i'm almost scared my heart is going to explode. or implode.
that would be much more interesting.
they should have an added warning: caution: recent studies have shown that chocolate-coated caffeine has
been found to be highly addicting. whoa, the sky is so pretty right now. like the soft hues of angel's wings.
the soft h... hrm. where did i come up with that? maybe these are spiked with some kind of
hallucinatary drug.
i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell
6:59 AM 4/29/2003auditory hallucinations are
probably not a good sign of stable mental health. unless - dreamt i was hearing things. in which case, i dreamt
i was awake, hearing things. i'm pretty sure i didn't sleep though. ah well, not remembering sleeping is
still superior to being mental ill. ...i'm starting to think those xtz mints were a bad idea.i remember in acting
class last semester, carrie and i did a scene from hooters. i can only remember two lines:
"that's the fun
part - leading them by the nose"
"or whatever else is straight and sticks out"
tomorrow's gonna come too soon
2:34 AM 4/29/2003i can't sleep; i am going insane.
i was thinking, i have about two years worth of old blogs i could archive. or not. that may be too much
hassle... i feel like typing (i love this new keyboard!) but i don't want to wake anyone up.
i remember when i was little - kindergarten or so. dad used to program little math ...well, programs for me.
it probably did help me learn math - but didn't advance my appreciation for it. though it's probably
responsible for my love of computers.
she was an insatiable black hole
1:49 AM 4/29/2003i should be sleeping, but i can't
sleep. i slept for 16 hours already today.
(yay for being sick...) that, and i had some xtz mints. gotta love products with a
caffeine warning: don't take more than one every three hours, if pregnant or nursing consult a doctor, keep out of
reach of children.
"rob thomas said in an interview that 'some people take music too seriously'" he said, looking pointedly at me.
i can't help it. i was going to major in music - i can't help but take that art form seriously.
prefabricated pop, as i've so
dubbed it, is nothing but ear candy. fun, maybe, but not filling or healthy.
maybe, too, my disdain for it is a snob thing: pop music - music of the masses, the proles.
and what doesn't kill you, it makes you linger
4:04 PM 4/27/2003`kay, i'm just a
bit pissed right now.
You won't be driving to the cities either way (that is illogical as well). oh, just because it's
illogical, not because you give a damn whether or not i ride with you? thanks. when i'm angry like this, it
makes me wonder. it makes me wonder why i'd give anything to get back with you, when you seem as if you're so much
happier this way, without me around. yet i'm still here, aren't i? i never really go away. and perhaps
that might be best. if nothing else, it would make you think. or would it? would you just shrug and go on
with your life, while i sit somewhere, thinking of you? i don't know what to think, about me, about you, about
whatever. so screw it all, i'll just lay back down, attempt to sleep, and forget about everything i want to know.
if only i didn't think and analyze every little thing so damn much. it angers me that i changed my plans for you,
too. you said you wanted to leave at one, fine. i wanted to watch the video which would be shown at 2:30, but
okay. i'll just miss it, even though i badly wanted to see it. whatever you want. and maybe that's half
my problem. i don't argue enough. still, it's just a small, stupid thing. and why argue about that?
and so here i go again. i would rather let the issue slide, and dwell on it, and steam or cry, then present it
to you and risk getting you irritated or whatnot. i don't like to upset people; i don't like to see people i care
about angry, or sad, or even just irritated. so i let myself suffer instead of them. i'm just too stupid that
way. so damn you, and damn caring about you.
i sold my soul for sex and gin
12:51 PM 4/26/2003whistle, whistle. what my
parents don't know won't hurt them, right? because travis just left half an hour ago; he came over after work and
stayed the night. now, granted, before my parents said that if he was too tired to drive or whatnot, he could stay
over. but somehow, i don't think they had this in mind. at least, not him staying over when they're not home.
but whatever. it's not like that they have anything at all to worry about.i'm using my new - free - keyboard.
i like it - i like it a lot better than the one i spilled bawls on. i have this urge to redecorate my room and
buy more rope lights and crap. i feel like doing something, but i don't know what. i watched vh1's top twenty
countdown this morning, since travis was too lazy to get up. anyone else seen the video for madonna's "american life"?
i wish the original version
of the video had been shown... but then again, nothing could save that song. especially not that
dreadful little rap she does at the end. /me shudders. "unwell" had made it up to the number two spot. yay for
matchbox twenty! speaking of, i so cannot wait for wednesday. i guess travis wants to leave at one now - i was
thinking we'd leave at three... so i guess this means i can't see the video for senior tea. bah. i at least
wanted to see that... we're going to get to the cities so incredibly early, and the concert doesn't start until seven.
what does travis propose to do to kill time for that long? actually, my cousin may have a gig that day... maybe
we could go check him out. perhaps...
and she's nervous when she speaks
10:14 PM 4/25/2003i
swear this'll be the last blog of the night. screw it. this website makes me angry. i was thinking again,
i remember when the wind was just right, and you hit your stride - it felt like you could run forever, and leave all your
problems behind. not anymore. i'm not even supposed to be running on the road; the doctor told me i could only
run on grass and soft stuff like that from now on. i used to be a fast runner - not anymore, i'm too out of shape.
i'm debating whether or not to go over to blayne's right now. i want to, but i really need to finish the site..
how many months has it been?
life ain't no beauty show
8:16 PM 4/25/2003i
need to stop thinking. i've always been an introvert, and a long time ago i just seemed to have decided that people
that weren't introspective were shallow. i'd like to amend that right now, but just slightly: they may be
shallow, but they're probably happier. i dwell on the good times, yes, but i also dwell on the bad times. maybe
i wouldn't be so...messed up...if i lived solely in the moment. then again, how intelligent is that, to totally
displace all recollections of the past? i don't know, i guess i'm happy enough; over the past six months, i've gotten
much happier. still. i think today is just one of those days, since i'm sitting alone, much to my dismay, and
so in an effort to pass the time, i began to think. and in thinking of certain good times, i reminded myself how they
weren't there anymore, and so it all slowly went downhill. i need to learn how to control not only my emotions
better, but also what direction my thoughts take. i need to shut up and go for a run.
make her smile it's like a drug for you
4:28 PM 4/25/2003i'm starting to notice a
definate
trend in my fridays: go
to art, do nothing but sit outside with headphones on. second block, attend class for half an hour, then book out of
there and visit blayne. leave school with blayne, go cruising. come back during last few minutes of lunch, then
attend third block. after third block, leave.
actually, come to think of it, that doesn't sound too horribly different from any average day at school: sit in
art with headphones on, occasionally doodling certain people. go to second block, book out of there roughly half an
hour into class, and go visit blayne. maybe go cruising. attend third block and attempt to stay awake.
attend fourth block, and attempt to refrain from screaming. oder etwas.
my parents are going down to st. cloud for the night, and i get to be
home alone. yay... this means i can watch fight club without fear of getting caught. i just bought it
today, and they don't know i have it. they're not going to know i have it.
You don't have to close your eyes 'cos it's standing right
before you
10:24 PM 4/22/2003"truly madly deeply" was played at donna's wedding. well, her
third wedding. but that's
beside the point, and i digress. i can't listen to that song anymore; i cry whenever it's played.
i think val messed my watch up, trying to fix it. something happened to it once, so it read the time in military
time and it was one
hour off. now it's not in military time, but it's still one hour off. and now it beeps every hour, and the
alarm is set for 6:59 am. i have no idea how to fix this.
it's funny how a person gets known for what they say. if you're reading this, you probably know how often i say
"woe is [name of person]". i say it so often, jesse said "woe is jesk, as phoenix would say." i also make
reference to "rusty spoon", that is, castration with a rusty spoon. tyler was arguing with someone and he offered to
go to the kitchen and get a spoon. the teacher was confused, but most of the students got it. i'm not sure if
that's a good thing oder was.
i miss travis. wish i wasn't so stupid and emotional...
back to archives