happy birthday, love. i have your birthday present, which i'll give you later. i have no money, so it will have to do. consider this an open letter to locke:
i do wish things were better between locke and i. truly. that's the one thing i want right now. we didn't leave on the best terms tonight... his birthday is tomorrow, and i can't be with him. i need to think of something...
i just noticed that dru's obit was in the april 26th edition of time. money for an apartment weighs on my mind. i'm pretty much broke; i'm selling off another guitar on ebay. sigh. i really like the guitar, but i never play it, so i should get rid of it. i need an apartment fast! anyone want to contribute to the "find phoenix a home" fund? please? ...ha, travis said i could possibly live with him. i turned him down, though. nice offer, but i don't want to live with him, and i'm sure locke would be none too thrilled with that, either. then he told me to live with locke. how am i different? i realize i've changed somewhat - but some of that is shaking off some of the repression and actually showing who i am. travis says i'm darker. i've always been dark and morbid.
i talked to locke a bit after class, which was nice. tomorrow i'm going to go visit him, which will be really nice. haven't done that for a bit, and i don't know when the next chance will be - until i move out.
<phoenix> vagina doesn't turn me on
<draven> either does a dick
<phoenix> erm.
<draven> well it doesnt does it?
<draven> its the human connection that turns you on
<phoenix> quite true
<draven> the desire to be physically and emotionally close
* phoenix nods
<draven> therefore i do think you could be bisexual
<phoenix> could be
<draven> though you probally have it in your subconcious that its wrong even though you dont have anything
against them; that it wouldnt work
<phoenix> mm, no, not really
<draven> really i thought you stated before that you would be uncomfortable due to your being raised even
though you dont have anything against the GLBT
<phoenix> i wouldn't be uncomfortable with it.
<draven> so you could be bi, actually probally are
<phoenix> i probably am
<draven> interesting
i had another nightmare. in this one, i was back in the house in st. cloud. dad had money, a check, but he wasn't sure if it was legal or not (something to do with drugs... and he kept repeating "this is like blow!"). well, just as he decides that it is legal and goes to cash it, three burly, masked, uzi-toting guys smash into our kitchen, where all of us had been standing. for some reason, dad has a squirt gun that looks like an uzi. i grab it from him and valiantly shoot one of the men, not realizing it was a squirt gun. aw, shit. desperatly i try for a groin kick, but it's too late... everything went black. and i woke up.
y'know, i almost think that i would rather have locke do salvia, rathen than smoke. no, i don't have a logical reason why i think this. maybe i just hate cigarettes that much. meh.
i spent a lot of time crying today. in the car, at home... at one point, driving home, as the first fresh tear rolled out of my eye, a raindrop hit the windshield. i'm just getting frustrated. no job, no apartment. ideally, i want the job at the animal shelter. but that still leaves a place to live, which seems to be impossible to find. and my parents seem to think that if they get dsl, i'll be fine and happy staying here another 4 months. fuck, no. the main reason i'm moving out is so that i can actually get to be with my boyfriend.
tomorrow i'll apply at some of the resorts in the area. i'm getting more miserable every day. i can't find a job anywhere, nor an apartment. fuck college. fuck everything. the apartments i was hopeful for turned out to be four and five bedroom apartments. fuck. the lady was very nice, though. she told me that i was beautiful and could be a model. politely, i told her, no, i don't have the looks for it. she said that she did photo shoots and other related stuff, and that she truly thinks that i'd be a great model. my eyes! my dimples! my hair! my smile! i still think she's on crack, but it was flattering at least. at least someone besides my boyfriend thinks i'm not hideous.
i'm going crazy, that's all there is to it. i've barely eaten today, i'm pissy, i'm disappointed, i'm... melancholy. and my boyfriend is getting high. i wish that didn't bother me, but it does to a degree. i'm trying to pinpoint exactly why it does bother me. for some reason, it almost hurts me. that's illogical, i know. i feel like i am being ripped apart right now, and i don't know why i feel that way. stress, probably. and i'll just sigh and shut my mouth, as i've been doing all my life with things that i disagree a bit with. locke is now speaking of taking drugs... honey, when i mean drugs, i don't medicinal. i mean recreational. and... more from him. i give up. this is something we'll never agree upon, i know, and right now i don't want to discuss it. even though it's more or less unrelated, i am even less thrilled with him getting high, because i have ron and matt on my mind right now. my parents are trying to bribe me to stay home now, rather than move out. whoopty fucking doo, i'll get dsl if i stay in hell.
i'm off to go weep for no reason. i'm just crazy, methinks.
the last two hours i have been in tears. i was so happy when i finally left the college, but now... my hopes are being repeatedly dashed. they don't want me in an apartment in brainerd, no, they want me in a dorm in bemidji for the summer. all the reasons i gave them for not wanting to go is insufficient. they don't care. i have no appetite. i have yet to eat today - and i have no desire to. i just want to curl up in a ball and die. mom told me i would never get a job because i'm so unpresentable. what makes people fall in love? if there is a god that controls that, he must be a sadist. why else would i fall in love with someone that my parents hate so much, someone that i love enough that i struggle daily trying to stay with him. he is worth it, don't get me wrong. i saw buck today, he dropped out of class, as he just didn't care anymore. that's starting to sound way too similar. i guess journey walked to the college, or something. locke and i waited until four o'clock for her, then finally took off.
...
and mom knocked on the door, just 10 minutes ago, wanting to talk. she said she didn't realize how badly this could stress me, and of course she's still willing to help me out with an apartment in brainerd. well, i'm happy about that, but i wish the whole discussion had never happened. until today, mom never realized i've had a thing for fishnets for years. and locke and sex took up a much larger than necessary amount of time. for some reason, mom remains convinced that i am going to be pregnant quite soon (she asked if i got my period. thank god for timing, eh?). she told stories of josh schneider (who grew up in an uber-catholic home) rebelling, and ended up getting his girlfriend pregnant. he moved out because "he told his parents that he couldn't be who he was, that he was sick of them telling him how to think. sound familiar?"
soon this all shall pass, and i can be happy. i can be with my boyfriend. i can be me.
i fell asleep today, and my nightmare woke me. basically, in a nutshell, the dream was about me meeting up with locke in a park. my parents drove by and saw, and freaked out. locke and i ran, after they tried to pull me into the car. dad pulled out an uzi, and that's when i woke up.
and we can all breathe a sigh of relief. no mini locke/phoenixs just yet. never thought i'd say this, but yay for getting my period. i'm sure the rest of society is also relieved.
i was supposed to check out an apartment today, but i was too chicken to see it. it was in a creepy white house (i wasn't expecting a house) and paint was chipping on the inside and outside. the stairs were maroon, crammed into a tiny corner, narrow, and circled upward so that i couldn't see upstairs. two feet from the stairs was a locked door. i stood there for a sec, nervously knocked on the locked door twice, heard no answer, and then booked ass out of there. like i said, it was creepy.
grr, i hope journey hops back on irc soon. we were discussing meeting up tomorrow, but i'm not sure what's going on now. journey, if you read this and i haven't talked with you tonight, give me a call and let me know what's up, okay? or send me an email or note via da. i always check both when i get up. yeah, email might be good.
i made mom cry today, and after, through her tears, she thanked me. i was a bit confused. i had come right out and told her (after much prodding) that yes, she was indeed a major cause of my depression.
i'm checking out some more apartments tomorrow. yay.
currently addicted to... "13x forever" by garbage.
i am not "striving to be a non-comformist." i'm so fucking glad my best friend told my mom that. and i'm so happy mom's invisible friend tells her "the truth". like, for example, when the police called that one morning my parents knew that it was a sign from god, that they wouldn't have to worry about me seeing locke. yeah, too bad locke and i were sleeping together those two weeks, eh? mom also talked about how people, especially religious people in other faiths, deep down don't really want to know "the truth" and that's why they are not catholic. and don't fucking tell me what to believe, either. and she wonders how i turned out the way i did. she found my yoga stuff today and got this horribly pained expression on her face. it's how one would look if they have been constipated for three weeks, i would imagine. it's "new age" and demonic and going to corrupt me. oh, if only i knew the truth. mom also wanted me to promise to wear my scapular and attend church weekly when i moved out. i refused to promise. i've lost my appetite again. i miss locke.
i'm getting the hell out of here, and i couldn't be happier. i'm doing a ton of apartment hunting, determined to find a place and move in by the first. yeah, it does sound impossible, doesn't it? but i don't care. once i move i'll get to see my boyfriend again, which would be quite nice. right now all i want to do is cuddle up in his arms and stay that way for as long as possible. he makes me so incredibly happy. travis called tonight, but i missed it, as val and i were recieving donna's irate attention at the grocery store. oh, and then when we got home, i couldn't get out of the car. val had to open the door for me, because obviously i'm way too retarded. anyway, about me moving out. i calmly discussed it with mom when i got home, and it went much better than i was expecting. i'm still going to get college money, pretty much with just one condition - and we all know what that is, don't we? locke. i'm not supposed to see him. which, of course, i will. i would rather be with the one i love and pay for college myself. not that i'm going to be stupid and flaunt this in their face... and stuff. anyway, i guess my cousin is out of jail now (firing a gun off in downtown phoenix and for doing meth) which is great. he's only 23 - i thought he was older. oh, and turns out his half-sister was murdered (she was a drug dealer) and her two daughters are being split apart to be raised by their two grandmas. i guess matt is coming up for a bit over the summer, which would kick ass. i'd love to see him again. while in jail, he was in a tent, with the striped outfit (you know what i'm talking about - sterotypical prisoner wear) and pink underwear and pink socks. i guess the mayor does that to humilate them, oder etwas. blah, i so cannot wait until college is out. i'm so bored with it and just plain don't care anymore. i'd rather spend my time writing and doing art on da, or reading random stuff like this.
men, do not ever staple your scrotum.
i tread softly, as if in a daze. only a few things circle `round in my mind: apartment, money, parents, locke. off-topic, i just learned that there is a demon in christian mythology named phoenix. he "will expound upon the knowledge of the sciences. He is an excellent poet, obedient, and he hopes to return to the seventh throne after twenty-two hundred years." i'm applying to hart tomorrow. that would kick ass if i got that job. maurices would be a good second... bah. i'm just uber-frustrated with everything right now.
materially comfortable life with emotional turmoil? hard life with more chances for happiness? i'll take the latter, thanks... no matter how hard these next few days are going to be.
wish me luck.
i need to shell out $103.50 for my license plate. when i saw that, i slid to the floor and cried. i am going to be flat-ass broke. how can i move out when i have no money? i'm going out job hunting yet again tomorrow, and i'm going to call some of the places i already applied to. i feel like i'm slowly going crazy. i'm so scared of everything. the life i once knew is shot to hell, never to return. i feel so incredibly lost. honestly, i'm tempted to pack up and book ass to andy's and stay there. i don't believe a deity can help me. i doubt my parents will help me out any when i move. i need to be independent, for my sanity and emotional well-being, but it's coming at quite the cost. i curled up in a ball and wept for three hours tonight. this is slowly killing me. i wish my parents were supportive of my decisions... or, at the very least, tolerant of my decisions.
the life i have known for 19 years is about to end. i am moving out. goddamnit, my nose is bleeding again. but i digress. i need to stop second-guessing myself about all of this. everyone tells me that moving out is for the best. i know it's true, it's just hard for me to do it. if everything works out, i'm moving in with garland. i'm really nervous about telling my parents. they'll flip, i'm sure. honestly, if i wasn't dating locke, i don't think i would move out. if i live at home, though, i can't see him. and frankly, it's worth a disruption in my life to be with him. he means so much to me. my stomach is in knots thinking about the next few days. i got the morning after pill again... as well as more birth control pills, which i'm hiding at my boyfriend's house until i move out. blah. i have homework i need to do, but i lack motivation, which i guess isn't so unusual anymore. all my friends, my boyfriend - i love you. thank you all for listening to my whining and just being there for me. i don't deserve you guys. right now i'm stressed as hell, but i know at least someone is out there that i can talk to if i need.
so even my psychologist told me to move out. oh, when i told her that i have to hide my thongs, the stunned look on her face was priceless. and she laughed pretty hard when i told her that mom thought the cat puke stains in the car was semen. she mentioned a few ways to make it easier on me when i tell my parents that i'm leaving.
fuck, fuck, fuck. haven't got my period yet. condom broke. my belly button smells quite strongly of lavender oil...
clairaudience? or mental illness? i have heard voices for years. sometimes it's my name. lately, it's been somewhat mumbled conversations, audible enough to be heard, yet the words themselves are not discernable. congratulations, honey, you're dating a psycho!
goddamn, i better not be schizophrenic and pregnant.
Clairaudients are often diagnosed incorrectly with schizophrenia. This is because they posess the ability physically hear voices, sounds and music, which are not audible to normal hearing.
<grandma> are you anxious for your parents to come back?
<phoenix> nope.
few more days, then they'll be back. bah. i'm dreading that. i rediscovered "metaphor" by in flames on my drive today, and started listening to it. it reminded me of the cruises that blayne and i used to go on. i kind of miss blayne. i never talk to him anymore. hrm. i had something i was going to talk about, but i forgot it. kyle came over tonight, and we ate pizza and watched american beauty. yay. tomorrow val finds out the gender of her baby! i mentioned how i wanted to move out to val, and she quickly responded with, "not before i leave!" oh... and i ran over our garbage can. that, and i got a speeding ticket. goddamnit. i am not going to have any money whatsoever. time to turn in even more applications.
do you believe love conquers all?
blah, quick blog, then i'm off to bed. the power was out for about 15/16 hours today. i heard rumours that a tornado went through town. not sure if that's true or not, but i'd believe it. watching the storm early this morning, i thought there was a tornado. i had a ton of candles lit and val and i started a fire in the fireplace. we were quite proud of ourselves for not burning down the house in the process. we had no water, nor power, so i washed my hair and brushed my teeth with holy water. i re-read a catholic q&a book of mine, and learned some facts i didn't know about catholicism:
locke asked me today why i thought i wasn't pretty, and what i would change. at the time, i wasn't real sure. but now, here goes: black hair, smaller ankles, different nose, different lips, a bit skinnier... meh, that's the list i came up with. i like my pale skin for some reason... or olive-colored (italian) would be nice, too. anyway. enough wishful thinking. i'm sliding again, and i don't know why. it scares me. i was looking at college today, specifically about computer science. it didn't appeal to me. nor did anything else. i need to do something to rescue my sanity, though it will be exceedingly painful. why the hell am i crying? i have no reason to cry. i am terrified what this week will bring.
some days i just don't understand. first he said he'd understand if i didn't feel like coming over. now he seems pissed that i don't want to come over. i feel like i can never be alone anymore. there is always val or locke to be with. damn, that sounds harsher than i mean it to. goddamnit, i'm a fucking emotional wreck, and i have no idea why. but i have tears in the corner of my eyes. i feel like my emotions are going to cause me to implode. i need a fucking job. i didn't get the waitress one. hell, how about someone start a porn site with me. those make money, right? i'd try and get some money by getting poetry published, but 1) poetry doesn't sell, and 2) i'm not good enough to get published in my own book.
i should be doing homeowork, but i've ceased caring. wonderful, no? damnit, what's wrong with me? i just don't understand. i'm happier with my parents gone, but these past few days... what is wrong with me? i perpetually feel like i'm on the verge of tears.
they found dru. rest in peace.
six months...
fuck humanity.
i sooth myself with melodic noise to block all thoughts - thoughts that will eventually drive me off the edge. at times, i am apt to crash to my knees, the weight of my musings so heavy. i don't know how i'll handle my parents coming back. i've adjusted to this, and i much prefer it. i need to get an apartment. need. my soul yearns for it, while my mind keeps holding back. i don't even know who the hell i am anymore. i've lost myself. what could be worse? very few moments are spared the constant struggle of my emotions battling for control. some days i long to run away to some far-off town, one where i know not a soul, and start fresh. at home, i am being perpetually torn in two. on one side, my best friend, whom i love. the other - my boyfriend, whom i love. imagine trying to avoid discussing the two important people in your life to each other, or others, in some cases. i long for the past, when life was comfortable and i knew what i believed in, and who i was. or was that me? there's no way to tell. sometimes, i envy those that still have faith in their god. i miss that reassurance. other things plague me. i've been taught to think ahead, plan for the future, and i can barely live in the moment anymore. i would give anything to be pretty. i sold my acoustic guitar for $15 today - i almost cried. guitar + case = $15 at a pawn shop. ugh. henna looks fun. ...am i truly interested in certain stuff, or is it just a subconscious rebellion? was i suppressed and my true form is showing now, or i'm being a typical teen? moments of happiness come and go, interspersed with numbness and pain of the mind. the marks are still on my leg. i know not whether they will eventually fade. who the hell am i? i wish i knew. i don't know what's best for me; that is slowly killing me.
i was with locke for a bit tonight, which was good. i showed him the fishnets and stuff, and he liked `em. yay. we relaxed, and watched a couple cartoons...
val's husband wants her to get her lip and labret pierced, as well as getting her nose re-pierced. a lip ring could be sexy...
meditation. it's how a fair majority of the night was spent. where the hell is my life headed? val is worried about me, and i'm hurting her, albeit unintentionally. she says she hates the way he treats me, and that i could do so much better. i fucking hurt everyone, no matter what i do. i should expect this by now, shouldn't i? i'm hurting my relationship with my best friend. these past two days have been tense with my boyfriend. driving home, i was ready to smash my car into something. i meditated with the knife is my lap. i've always prided myself on being tolerant - what's happening to me? i am getting so pissed with christianity - why can't i just treat it like any other religion out there? i am ugly, contrary to what anyone else says. i know i need to do well in college, but more and more my mind becomes disassociated with it, and wanders, not caring. locke called tonight to see how i was doing. half of me craves a violent change, while the other half attempts to placate and resist. ...song of the day? "dear god" by sarah mclachlan.
Dear God,
Don't know if you noticed, but...
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image,
Still believing that junk is true
Well I know it ain't, and so do you
i'm taking a break from my homework to whine. i'm so close to saying "fuck it" and going off to wallow in the slimy bliss that is self-pity. the date locke and i went on... went. it started off good - we went to eat at green mill. we got onion rings (locke even knew i liked barbeque sauce with them.. wow), then pasta. all was good. by the time we hit dessert, trouble began to rise. we got onto a topic we shouldn't have been talking about and it sort of blew up. pretty much ruined the rest of the night, too, which was partly my fault for letting it bother me so much. but - we both are to blame, really. near the end of the night, i wanted to go home. he got agitated because i mentioned that i had homework that was due tomorrow. we went to my car, talked for a bit, went back to his house to watch a cartoon, and then i finally left. things seemed to be better. when i got home, he called me wanting to work on linux. i declined, mentioning my homework. he sounded incredibly pissed, and just said "bye" and hung up. he seems to think that my school work is more important than him. no, but i do need to get it done if i wish to pass my classes. i'm sure someone's got to see my point - right? or is everyone else out there stroking their chin, thinking, "god, she's a selfish bitch."
i hate george bush. and my anger towards christianity grows.
oh god, in-grown hairs after i shaved... my skin hates me... argh!
more job-hunting tomorrow, as today got, um, distracted. my room is an absolute mess, and i need to clean it, but i lack the motivation. same with doing anything. bah. how about after i graduate this semester i just move to canada? i hear ontario and british com yeah... maybe i could work in canada for the summer, if nothing else. or england! argh, i still have reports i need to do. it was an adventure getting to class today. first, locke's tire blew out, so we had to pull to the side of the road while he changed the flat. then he discovered that that gas was on empty, so we had to swing into a gas station. after class, i had to meet locke and found him snoring in the library. i slept a lot today - after i came home from locke's, i took a nap, then at 8:00, i took another nap, sleeping for exactly two hours.
val and i spent the last hour or so scouring for sex books and other things. it started with val wanting the kama sutra, and it just went from there. i'm in a good mood right now. locke and i are doing well. we're actually going on a "real" date tomorrow - it's been almost 6 months, and we have yet to do that. i'm really looking forward to it. hrm, sadly enough, nothing of interest has been happening in the past few days. val and i had a pretty pathetic easter dinner: cooked carrots, stuffing, and baked potatos. i really do not want to go to class tomorrow. i can't wait until it's over. yay for being with locke tomorrow. i'm so happy when i'm with him - i could die and have no regrets.
god is dead - nietzsche
god & satan r 1 & the same
666
fuck u
fear
fuck the rebel flag
upside down crosses, a pentacle on the floor, 666 and anarchy symbols scrawled on walls, door, any surface available. in another building, tampon applicators strewn all over. broken windows, peeling paint, shattered lights. this is where locke and i went to take pictures. unfortunatly, i didn't have my camera with me yesterday, so while he took shots, i didn't. i went up there today to finish off my roll of film - only two photos. bah. alert and slightly on edge, i eased into one of the buildings. i heard a noise, and my head whipped around. two birds shot out of the corners, and i gasped and jumped back, ready to take off running for my life. that place is creepy, but i definatly want to go back with locke one of these days. walking around those buildings, i had one line from "heresy" going around in my head "god is dead and no one cares."
val talked her husband into getting his nipples pierced. ugh. oh, and my hair was red yesterday, but i washed it out - and the shower turned pink...
last night i ended up going back to my boyfriend's and spending the night. we got into a bit of an arguement before we finally fell asleep. at nine in the morning, val called, quite pissed off that i had spent the night. the tension's building a bit, and she's already made a warning of sorts about what could happen if i should spend the night at his house again.
val and i recieved $80 for two weeks to spend on food. in less than two hours, we spent $75. in all actuality, i'm proud of us. we bought fruit, bread, salsa... um, a little junk food, but not much... and lots of white grape/peach juice. mm! i got my boots today, and they quite simply kiss ass. yay for vegetarian boots that look like leather. i think tomorrow... tomorrow i may have red hair. not sure, but pondering it. sadly, i really don't have anything to say. i got pissed off at a few homophobic christian sites, and i'm going to write a letter to our asinine president. according to the white house, all hand-written letters are read. a few hours were nicely spent, chatting (and freezing in the cold for a bit, which was my fault). erm... talked to rodan for a bit. he's from a forum i post on regularly. and, ah yes, travis called. wants me to go to a darren hayes concert with him in indianapolis. he said the drive would take about 10-11 hours. no, thanks. that would be incredibly awkward.
so many things to think about, so many to think about, yet there's always me, still here. from one side, i hear that if i leave, i'll be dead, due to stress and suicide. the other says if i stay, i'll be dead. fear is more controlling and addictive than any drug. it rules my life, shapes my thoughts.
i need to graduate. i need to flee. i'm looking at jobs around here, but maybe i should look in bemidji instead. or around vancouver. canada's a nice country, right? i don't even know who i am; how can i make a life-altering choice? damnit, i have to, to preserve what little precious sanity i'm clinging to. i'll escape to college, major in computer science or something with animals... maybe work at an animal shelter. i know if i had to, i could survive if i left home. but it's hard to think about actually doing it. i'm spoiled and sheltered. and guilt rests on my soul quite heavily. i don't want to hurt anyone, but in the process of that, i'm hurting absolutely every person in my life. or so it feels. i've never really lived, and now offered that hope, i run.
there are a few of you that i love, that i care about. i hope you know who you are...
i wasted well over an hour online searching for boots. i ended up purchasing these. not a ton happened today, but there was one highlight, which i'll mention later. it made me quite happy. anyway. i have my psychologist tomorrow morning, yay, i'm sure i'll be half awake, then. and i never did stop by the bank today - i definatly need to do that. tonight val and i ran into town to purchase cat and dog treats, just for something to do. gotta love the zoo animals. i might do some more job-hunting if i have the motivation. short, boring blog. so sleepy.
i'm trying so hard to reconcile some things in my mind. i'm hurt, and i just don't know what to think. on one hand, i know that locke cares about me. on the other, i've always felt that if you truly care about someone, you want the best for them. then again, what's best for me? moving out? pros and cons there. staying? pros and cons there. i guess the biggest thing is that i do want to go to college to better myself, and hey, free money. locke seems to take this as i don't care about him, and that's not true at all. maybe i just need to know - am i still cared about either way? are you okay with something? i seriously think this is something we need to talk about. thursday, perhaps, would be an excellent day to do so.
this is pathetic. val and i are psyched about my parents leaving - we just realized when they're gone, we can walk around the house half-naked if we so choose. as it is, we can't even wear a tank-top when they're around. thrilled is a bit of an understatement. ha, fuck church when they're gone. god, last night was a stresser. a few nights ago, i was going to move out. and locke was so happy. now i'm confused as hell. on one hand, i know i need to move out. on the other, if i stay here i have val, bella, and college money. yes, yes, i know i can get loans. i just wish that locke understood. maybe i just need to work up the hurt and the anger that fueled that desire. maybe i need to stop being such an idiot and do something about it.
val is still concerned, and pointed out a book she thought might be good to read: but i love him
hapy 10th birthday, tasha.
argh! i know he's only doing this because he cares, but still! locke said tonight that, "fine, i'm just hurt and upset because with you there we can never be and it seems like your school has always been more important." school is important to me, even though i don't like it. i know i need to get to bsu, make decent grades, and get a good career. or something to earn money and keep me somewhat happy. i'm just kind of pissed right now. he makes it out to sound like i don't give a damn about him. all i want to do is plan before i move out. obviously, that's a smarter decision that just winging it.
so people at the high school are reading this now, eh? why? some of you barely know me, some of you don't particularly like me, i would suppose. but whatever, i don't really care i guess.
god fucking hell, i'm still so stressed out...
"angel with the scabbed wings" reminds me somehow of locke.
i don't even know where to begin. i'm tired as hell and my mind is just blank, dead, numb. locke explained it a bit last night. basically, i lied to my parents. i went to go see locke. we needed to talk. all hell broke loose when they realized that i had lied to them. i honestly thought i was going to pass out. i came home, and i was shoved onto the couch. mom was right up in my face, screaming at me, screaming that i was a "lying son of a gun" a "liar" and "his cheap little whore." dad was screaming. they took my phone and keys as soon as i got in the house. dad got ahold of locke and screamed at him, telling locke to stay away from me. i think he told him to go to hell, too, if i recall correctly. then dad spoke to locke's father, which didn't go any better. when informed that his son and i slept together, his reply? "so?" dad freaked. he screamed, and then said something about seeing them in court. see what religion can do to a person? i'm 19, locke 21. totally legal. anyway. they screamed for a few hours, i bawled, dad said he had no sympathy for me. he told me to pack my bags and get out of the house. mom wanted to commit me. eventually it was decided to give me a five-week 'probation' period. i fuck up, i'm outta here with no college money. i wanted to leave last night and mom wouldn't let me. i was screaming, trembling, close to a break down. when i felt like i was going to go insane, i just got up and went to my room, where they followed me. i fought hard to get my cell phone back, and eventually won. i just wanted to die. i curled up, and sent a few messages to locke via kyle. thanks so much, kyle. i owe you one. i slashed at my wrists with a razor. my left arm is kind of bad, my right is much worse. red slashes going all ways across my skin. dad woke me up this morning, pissed. he was going to drive me to class. and they found the books in my car - books on religion. one book was entitled "a history of god". it contained chapters such as "the death of god" and the like. that's when he saw my left arm. he grilled me about it, then found my razor. he seemed to develop a little bit of compassion at that point. he drove me to class, where i met with locke. i needed to talk to him so bad. and locke, thank you. i got your voicemail. i'm just happy that you can understand now why i didn't stand up to them much. locke and i went outside to talk. dad was circling the campus. i freaked. eventually, we had to go seperate ways to not get caught. i felt like i was fleeing for my life. i don't know when i'll see locke again; that hurts. i skipped class and called my psychologist, begging to let me in to see her. using the last cash that i had, i called dad to have him pick me up. my psychologist and i talked for a bit, then my parents were invited into the session. ruth talked to my mom about religion, and the detrimental effect it's having on me. and she said that we needed to be apart for a few weeks. believe it or not, my parents listened, and are going to go on a two-week vacation asap. probably tuesday or wednesday they'll leave. then it was off to go get prayed over by a priest. he talked of depression spirits, fear spirits, spirits of confusion, fire demons, water demons... i didn't realize catholics believe in those. on the way there, though, i felt like i was going crazy, trapped there with them. i stared out the window, watching everything go by: trees, houses, a deer carcass, a 12-foot tall inflatable bunny... the priest prayed over me for an hour. there's more details, but that's enough for now i think. i watched american beauty tonight again. i feel like i can identify with jane.
whatver locke and i decide tomorrow will be hard. i don't want to break up, but if it is for the best...? maybe it doesn't matter. he doesn't seem too happy with me. i know i hurt him. i didn't try to, but i did. he asked me tonight if it would be hard if we just broke up and never had any contact with each other again. i said it would be difficult. he didn't seem to think so. that stung. i wish i had no emotions. i wish i was just numb. i guess it doesn't matter anymore. whatever makes him happiest. i'll see locke tomorrow... and no matter what the decision, there's a chance i'll cry.
i downloaded dante's divine comedy. i've never actually read it, so it out to be interesting. i'm starting to collect pdfs that i do intend to read, but somehow they end up just sitting on my drive, with a quick perusal if they are lucky.
flatter, according to the dictionary: to show off becomingly or advantageously; to compliment excessively and often insincerely, especially in order to win favor.
I hate the big decisions
That cause endless revisions in my mind